"you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead." - Elizabeth Gilbert
Dear Journal:
It pleases me to inform you that I am writing you on real time, meaning that I am writing to you about the events of last evening, because I had a dream about it and woke up feeling really happy/weird. Ok so let me get to it. A few months ago I was on one of the dating sites that I stay on and I don't know if I sent a message or he sent a message but I briefly spoke to this man who was really cute. About 6 feet tall, slim, shadow beard, blue eyes, full lips! OH MY! so I spoke to him but I don't ever take anyone serious nor do I honestly care whether I ever meet anyone or not because I am just honestly too busy to worry about men right now. Still, I stay on these sites to stay "social."
OK, so months go by I don't remember why but I never spoke to him again, life went on I completely forgot about him, and then the other day I was going through a bit of an emotional turmoil and I decided that I needed to go out on a date! go out there, meet some guy, kiss, hug, who knows maybe even have sex!!! OH MY GOD! so I was going through pictures on one of the dating sites and I see this guy and I send him a message.... the message read... cute! ;) and that was all I wrote, it was an impulsive message, meaning that I saw the pic thought he was handsome and sent the message. I forgot all about it and later that day I get a message from him, and I was like holly shit! I forgot about this. So he sends me this message and tells me how he remembers me and how we had spoken before and I'm reading it going.... WE DID? so I'm looking over his pictures again and I'm like holy molly we did!! and so I write back and on his response he's like, hey would you like to get together this weekend? at first I was like... UGH! do I really want to be bothered with people right now? but then I thought, why not, I haven't been out on a date in such a long time, so I told him I would love to, and we made plans for last night (Sat. Nov. 23).
DATING PRESSURE!
So I have been watching what I eat because my doctor told me to watch my cholesterol levels, so I haven't had pizza in a while and I LOVE PIZZA! so yesterday after I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (I need to take care of my pearly whites!) I went to get some pizza with my daughter and the pizza did not agree with my stomach so I was in severe pain after (the runs! I KNOW! too much info.!) but I was so sick and I felt like throwing up so I kept thinking that maybe going on a date under those conditions was not such a good idea. After consulting with my beautiful niece and step mom they told me that I should drink something for my stomach and go out! so, I decided to move forward. I got home and had a whole argument with my niece and step mom about what I should wear because I don't date and why should I wear heels when I don't usually and why do I have to look good or extra nice, I don't care what this person is going to think and yada yada yada and then decided that if I was going to go meet a man, whether I would end up liking him or not, (I never like anyone) I still wanted to at least try, I mean I am a sweat pants, sneaker, pony tail type of woman so yes, doing my hair and wearing some make-up is extra work in my book. But every now and then I get in the mood to change i t up, and I will wear some make up or whatever, depends on my mood. So I decided to wear my red blouse which has a v neck collar and I straightened my hair which is growing so it's about shoulder length right now, so it looked really nice, and then I also put some mascara on to bring out my eyes and I wore some jeans and high heel boots, I think I looked.... cute.
My stomach was also starting to feel better, so I took off to meet my date, I sent him a message to tell him that I was running a little late and he said no worries, let's meet at 8p.m. instead of 7:30 and he gave me the address of the place we were meeting and I went on my merry way with my boots that sort of hurt, but looking cute non the less to impress someone that I probably wasn't going to care if I saw ever again! (so I thought!) I get to the place and he isn't there and it is freezing outside so I send him a message and tell him that I am there, but that I will be waiting for him at the book store across the street because it's really cold out. This is the second message I send him and he isn't responding, and all of a sudden I get this feeling like.... OMG! what if he saw me from far and left! (insert sad face!) and I'm now in the book store and I'm thinking, this is so wrong! I can't believe this is happening to me, why isn't he responding?????? so I go to the kids books section and I'm like, fuck it! if he doesn't show I will buy my daughter a book and go home, so I am standing at the kids section and I look up towards the entrance to the store and I see this tall slender guy looking around and our eyes meet and.... HUGE SMILES FROM BOTH OF US! IT WAS AWESOME! we recognized each other right away, because of our pictures and we began to walked up to each other, not knowing if we were supposed to hug or hand shake or what, so I shook his hand and introduced myself as If we were on a business meeting and we walked out, I thought at first that he didn't find me attractive, so I was like, well, whatever! I will hang out with him go home and nothing is lost!
So we walk back towards the place we were initially going to go, but then it is really crowded so he is like, well... do you want to grab a beer instead? and in my mind I'm like OH NO! THE RUNS! (insert sad face) we were initially going to go get coffee and dessert (although I was going to get tea and no dessert due to my situation...runs!) So after he asks me if I want a beer, I'm like... well... I am driving so I can't drink! (I really wanted to be like... um... I have the runs and I can't really drink because then I will end up in the toilet!) but I wasn't going to tell him that DUH! so he was like oh yeah I understand and I was like, but I can get a seltzer water! THANK GOD FOR SELTZER! so we get to the place and he got me some seltzer water and we sat down and we talked and talked and talked!!! (IT WAS AWESOME!) he is sooooooo damn cool! we talked about history, math, astronomy, culture, music, (he plays the guitar! YAY) food (he cooks! YAY!) we talked about his family, my family and then he got closer to me and we shared a delicious kiss!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!! OMG!!!! THOSE LIPS!!! :D
After we kissed I told him that I didn't think he liked me and he told me that he thought I was absolutely the cutest most adorable thing ever! he kept telling me that he loved my big brown eyes and how he thought my hair looked so pretty! I was completely putty in his hands! I know that all that stuff seems so cheesy, but I could tell he was being genuine, like he wasn't saying that to get me into bed (or maybe he was but I don't care! he has some real good game dammit!) And he was really respecful even up to the point of the kiss, like a real gentlemen, I think he was just being sweet. Of course I couldn't stop telling him how cute I thought he was either! because he is just TOO DAMN CUTE! AND... he is only 5 years younger than I am so it's awesome! I'm finally attracting men closer to my age which makes me soooooooooooooo happy!
After like another hour or so of talking and making out in front of everyone total public display of affection (loved it!) he walked me to my car and when we got to my car I wanted so bad to hug him and so he pulled me close to him (it was freezing out!) and he wrapped his hands around my waist and I wrapped my hands around his neck (so awesome!) and then we stood there in the freezing cold making out like two crazy teenagers in love! IT WAS AWESOME!!!! OMG! I forget sometimes that I am still ALIVE DAMMIT! that I still miss those things, that I can still like people, that people have to be let go off, that if only I give others a chance I might be blown away, that I HAVE TO LET PEOPLE GO! and that if only I make an effort I can do this! I CAN DO THIS! I can be intimate and I can like someone and I can feel appreciated.
The last thing he said to me before I left which is probably one of the nicest things any man has ever said to me was. He said "OMG! I can see myself introducing you to all of my friends and waking up next to you, you are so naturally beautiful! I bet even with morning breath you are still a sight!" and when he told me that I felt so flattered and at the same time I felt a little sick to my stomach at the thought of waking up next to a man, what has happened to me? how can I make this happen and be ok? I have to do it a few times until I get it right, and even if this guy ends up being not as great as he appears at first sight, I HAVE to give myself a chance, I have to get out there and wake up next to a few people until I find someone that I want to wake up next to for the next few years or whatever. I need to open up to the possibility of love, true love. About an hour after I left he sent me a message and told me he would love to see me again, so I am seeing him again next weekend! (I KNOW!) I can 't wait!
So journal, I am sharing this story because this is me trying, trying to be a normal woman, a woman that let's go of people that tell her that they don't feel for her, what she might feel for them, a woman that let's go of people that push her away from their lives. I have to learn to LET GO and keep it moving the way I said I would years ago. I deserve a chance to be loved and be in a normal relationship with someone awesome, someone who can play the guitar! and if it isn't this person, then someone else, but at least I am going to now TRY... without fucking it up!
Wish me luck!
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