Dear Journal:
A few months back, like maybe at the end of September or so, I had made up with my friend of three years (BK) and he and I were happy friends for about a month. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/09/cause-youre-good-girl-and-you-know-it.html It was really great at first because it felt like he and I had never stopped talking, and also like things between us had not changed, I thought he had matured and that he and I could hang out and be cool with one another, but unfortunately he claimed that I was desperate to sleep with him (not true) and that he could no longer be my friend according to him, because of that reason.
Journal, when he told me this, I CURSED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! YES! I know cursing whether it be mentally cursing someone out or actually doing so is not very nice! I KNOW that! I still have anger issues that I need to work on, but journal, to my defense I was livid! to think that "my friend" would say such a thing! like ok yes I did mention to him that I would have sex with him again because I still found him attractive, and yes there were some residual feelings that I had from the past that resurfaced the first time we hung out. For example, the day he and I went to the movies and he told me how he and his ex girlfriend had went away on vacation I will not deny that I was jealous, I even told him how I felt, and I felt that way because three years ago when he and I had some sort of something, we talked about how cool it would be to go away together. But being jealous for a moment about something ridiculous, did not mean that I was in love with him or that I wanted to be with him or that I had any new or existing feelings for him.
I don't know how else to explain that in my life, feelings are a moment to moment thing, I CANNOT and WILL NOT be in love with someone who is not giving me any reason to be in love with them, like honestly why would I be in love with someone who isn't giving me love! I'm not THAT desperate. So, when he said this to me about me wanting to sleep with him and him not feeling comfortable I guess about it, I WAS LIVID! and I cursed him out and then he responded that he was glad I was showing him my true colors. UM..... he got cursed out three years ago, so what "true colors" exactly he was referring to I am not quite sure. I mean honestly, I was actually quite nicer this time when I cursed him out than last. And then of course I had to let him know that if there is one person I think about on a daily basis at least once a day, it's AJ, so he need not be worried about me "wanting him so bad" how ridiculous can one person be! jeez!
I know that I didn't feel romantically attached to him when he and I went to the beach and watched the sunset, and it didn't feel romantic, I didn't want to kiss him or hold him tight or any of that, it was just really nice being there with someone I know loves me as a person and knows me for who I really am, even though according to him I was trying to "sleep with him" which is totally untrue! the night we watched the sunset at the beach he was drunk and I could of used that as an excuse to try to kiss him or something and I had no intention at throwing myself at someone, I don't ever want to ruin a friendship over some bullshit like sex, I can get sex from someone else, why would I ruin something genuine, like friendship love, only for sex, especially if he didn't pursue what I mentioned, it wasn't that serious and it was just a comment that didn't matter as much as he might of thought it did. The problem is that people sometimes don't understand that to me sex is just a thing, it's not the thing, it isn't what makes something special, I am not a young woman that can't differentiate one thing from another. (People need to understand that when they say no to me, no to me means no! I don't have hope, I told you journal that I learned from my mistakes and that I take people's words for face value, if you tell me no, no means no! end of story.
Anyway, we obviously stopped talking again after I cursed him the fuck out, but I obviously think of him often and sort of miss at least knowing how he is doing. I had written him this really cool poem (while we were still talking) that I sent him and he told me he liked, but then when I went to look for it to put it on here I could not find it, this made me really sad because I write my poems based on impulse and feeling. I can't recover the poem, but I do remember some of it (sort of), so without further a due, below is an attempt at remembering the poem I wrote for BK. I wrote it one night when we went to Times Square and had a great time.
A Moment in Times Square
By Jazzy.
In the middle of Times Square we both stood and stared, all the lights and people surrounding us there yet in that moment it felt like the sea of souls were not even there, it was a moment of you and me a moment of happy to be, friends forever we will be.
We spoke of our passions and what we would be, we decided that day that together forever we'd be, true friendship is what we both felt, and there on that night we would prevail.
In the middle of times square a moment we shared, in the midst of the lights a moment of time, and people would pass and people would stare, and everyone knew that to us they weren't there, it was us two in the midst of that zoo, the zoo called New York that everyone knew.
And time seemed to stop but the moment didn't last, but together forever, and ever we'll be, because what we share is a friendship so deep, that time will come and time will go, but in our hearts we will always know, that I trust you and you trust me and forever and ever our friendship will be, a unique special bond that no one will ever get and no matter what happens we will never forget, that special moment that day in Times Square that love that forever in friendship we'll share.
The end.
A few months back, like maybe at the end of September or so, I had made up with my friend of three years (BK) and he and I were happy friends for about a month. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/09/cause-youre-good-girl-and-you-know-it.html It was really great at first because it felt like he and I had never stopped talking, and also like things between us had not changed, I thought he had matured and that he and I could hang out and be cool with one another, but unfortunately he claimed that I was desperate to sleep with him (not true) and that he could no longer be my friend according to him, because of that reason.
Journal, when he told me this, I CURSED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! YES! I know cursing whether it be mentally cursing someone out or actually doing so is not very nice! I KNOW that! I still have anger issues that I need to work on, but journal, to my defense I was livid! to think that "my friend" would say such a thing! like ok yes I did mention to him that I would have sex with him again because I still found him attractive, and yes there were some residual feelings that I had from the past that resurfaced the first time we hung out. For example, the day he and I went to the movies and he told me how he and his ex girlfriend had went away on vacation I will not deny that I was jealous, I even told him how I felt, and I felt that way because three years ago when he and I had some sort of something, we talked about how cool it would be to go away together. But being jealous for a moment about something ridiculous, did not mean that I was in love with him or that I wanted to be with him or that I had any new or existing feelings for him.
I don't know how else to explain that in my life, feelings are a moment to moment thing, I CANNOT and WILL NOT be in love with someone who is not giving me any reason to be in love with them, like honestly why would I be in love with someone who isn't giving me love! I'm not THAT desperate. So, when he said this to me about me wanting to sleep with him and him not feeling comfortable I guess about it, I WAS LIVID! and I cursed him out and then he responded that he was glad I was showing him my true colors. UM..... he got cursed out three years ago, so what "true colors" exactly he was referring to I am not quite sure. I mean honestly, I was actually quite nicer this time when I cursed him out than last. And then of course I had to let him know that if there is one person I think about on a daily basis at least once a day, it's AJ, so he need not be worried about me "wanting him so bad" how ridiculous can one person be! jeez!
I know that I didn't feel romantically attached to him when he and I went to the beach and watched the sunset, and it didn't feel romantic, I didn't want to kiss him or hold him tight or any of that, it was just really nice being there with someone I know loves me as a person and knows me for who I really am, even though according to him I was trying to "sleep with him" which is totally untrue! the night we watched the sunset at the beach he was drunk and I could of used that as an excuse to try to kiss him or something and I had no intention at throwing myself at someone, I don't ever want to ruin a friendship over some bullshit like sex, I can get sex from someone else, why would I ruin something genuine, like friendship love, only for sex, especially if he didn't pursue what I mentioned, it wasn't that serious and it was just a comment that didn't matter as much as he might of thought it did. The problem is that people sometimes don't understand that to me sex is just a thing, it's not the thing, it isn't what makes something special, I am not a young woman that can't differentiate one thing from another. (People need to understand that when they say no to me, no to me means no! I don't have hope, I told you journal that I learned from my mistakes and that I take people's words for face value, if you tell me no, no means no! end of story.
Anyway, we obviously stopped talking again after I cursed him the fuck out, but I obviously think of him often and sort of miss at least knowing how he is doing. I had written him this really cool poem (while we were still talking) that I sent him and he told me he liked, but then when I went to look for it to put it on here I could not find it, this made me really sad because I write my poems based on impulse and feeling. I can't recover the poem, but I do remember some of it (sort of), so without further a due, below is an attempt at remembering the poem I wrote for BK. I wrote it one night when we went to Times Square and had a great time.
A Moment in Times Square
By Jazzy.
In the middle of Times Square we both stood and stared, all the lights and people surrounding us there yet in that moment it felt like the sea of souls were not even there, it was a moment of you and me a moment of happy to be, friends forever we will be.
We spoke of our passions and what we would be, we decided that day that together forever we'd be, true friendship is what we both felt, and there on that night we would prevail.
In the middle of times square a moment we shared, in the midst of the lights a moment of time, and people would pass and people would stare, and everyone knew that to us they weren't there, it was us two in the midst of that zoo, the zoo called New York that everyone knew.
And time seemed to stop but the moment didn't last, but together forever, and ever we'll be, because what we share is a friendship so deep, that time will come and time will go, but in our hearts we will always know, that I trust you and you trust me and forever and ever our friendship will be, a unique special bond that no one will ever get and no matter what happens we will never forget, that special moment that day in Times Square that love that forever in friendship we'll share.
The end.
No comments:
Post a Comment