Dear Journal -
So much has happened since I moved to Colorado, that I truly don't know where to start! I guess the best way to start is to probably tell you that all the events that have led me to today, have been extremely wonderful and I am definitely happy! the events that have led me here are all very interesting to say the least.
I want to tell you first about a magical moment that I will never forget, it is magical, not because of the events that took place on that day, but because of the feelings involved and because of the closure the moment allowed. There were genuine sincere feelings involved in the moment but also fear and nervousness and there was definitely a lot of holding back. I think the biggest fear we both felt, was the fear of allowing all that was deep inside of us to come to surface, because if that would of happened, it would of been almost impossible to ever let go. I cannot go into details about the actual events that took place on the second of April, not only because I feel that I want to cherish the event in my memory instead of on a journal, but also because the acts don't always necessarily make a moment special. I can however tell you about the feelings and the person involved.
I will start by telling you that on that morning, I received a txt message that I was not expecting, the message was from AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html well, he and I the day before, had talked about how we both felt about one another and he told me that if I were younger, he would probably be in love with me, because in his eyes I was perfect! while I do not believe that I am perfect in any way shape or form, I do understand what he meant, and I also believe, that he himself is perfect as well, in other words, under different circumstances, we would be perfect for one another. The sad thing is, that while we agree that we are perfect for one another, we both agree that we cannot be together for many reasons and although it hurts me deeply, I am at a point in my life that I have learned how to love with logic. I have to understand that you cannot force anyone to want to fight for what they feel and that no matter how much you may want something, you have to allow the other person the freedom to do what is best for them. For AJ, it is best for him not to be with me, for me, it is best to understand and accept that.
Journal, for the past over two years of my life, AJ has occupied my thoughts daily, he is the person I can honestly say I feel that I am in love with, however, when I think about it logically, I also think that I am more "in love" with the idea of being in love, because I have not felt that for anyone since Benjamin, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html The best part about what I feel for AJ, is that he and I are such great friends, that I was able to talk to him about all of this, and told him that he was my reason, my reason not to allow anyone else in. Holding on to him, sheltered me from letting anyone in and allowing anyone to hurt me. Loving him has felt safe, because I know, that even if he isn't in love with me, he truly loves me as he told me he does. However, under the right circumstances, I know for a fact that I would have allowed myself to be completely completely in love with him, with all my heart, mind, body and soul! and the only reason why I never allowed myself to feel that way for him completely, and the only reason why he never allowed himself to feel that way for me completely, was because of our age difference, because of the fear of the judgments of others towards what we shared. It saddens me, that we both allowed judgments to be the reason for us not allowing ourselves to feel what deep down we both wanted, it isn't fair, but that is life and no matter what age I am or what age he is, the fact is that he did not allow us to to share in each other. I say this, because I would of fought for what I wanted to allow myself to feel for him, I would of done so, if he for one moment would of showed me that he was willing to fight for it also!
I have always been a rebel and always will be and therefore, I will never allow what society thinks to be "normal" to be a factor in my life. I will always do what I want to do, because life is meant to be lived and for that reason I would of fought for us, but only if he would of been ok with it. He is not and therefore, I have to be understanding. I know that he is learning and growing as an individual and that he and only he knows what is best for him.
On the second of the month, we were able to talk about everything we both felt, about how special we are to one another, about how we will always be great amazing friends! and that makes me happy! I know that soon, he will probably be with someone else, I told him that I hope that she takes care of him the way I would of loved too, I also told him that I hope she will love him as much as I do, and while I don't think she will, because the way I love him is really unique and special and different and not only romantic in nature, I understand that sometimes in life, you can't have everything that you want and that you have to be realistic and you have to accept and you have to move on.
I am really glad that when it comes to him, it is not necessarily moving on, it's more about letting go of that romantic feeling and going back to that feeling that I felt the very first time I met him back in October of 2011 when I started to talk to this young man about life and all of a sudden, we were both engrossed in a feeling of bliss a feeling of oneness, a feeling of magic and genuine care. I now have to learn how to stop thinking about him daily and allowing someone new into my thoughts. It is time, that I make my way back into love, without fear.
Journal, the magic is not in the events of a moment, the magic is in the feeling of true and genuine care, in true and genuine honesty, in true and genuine love and that is why on April first, I had a magical time. I was with someone that knows me inside and out, someone that knows that I will be here for him forever, through good and bad times. We thanked each other because with each other, we learned to trust, because with each other, we learned so many lessons. How many people can say they have someone special that way? how many people can say that there is someone they know, that will always understand them, always be there no judgements? I think he and I are truly lucky!
Thank you my special friend! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!
Safe and Sound - Rebelution
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WTcc3XuLEM
So much has happened since I moved to Colorado, that I truly don't know where to start! I guess the best way to start is to probably tell you that all the events that have led me to today, have been extremely wonderful and I am definitely happy! the events that have led me here are all very interesting to say the least.
I want to tell you first about a magical moment that I will never forget, it is magical, not because of the events that took place on that day, but because of the feelings involved and because of the closure the moment allowed. There were genuine sincere feelings involved in the moment but also fear and nervousness and there was definitely a lot of holding back. I think the biggest fear we both felt, was the fear of allowing all that was deep inside of us to come to surface, because if that would of happened, it would of been almost impossible to ever let go. I cannot go into details about the actual events that took place on the second of April, not only because I feel that I want to cherish the event in my memory instead of on a journal, but also because the acts don't always necessarily make a moment special. I can however tell you about the feelings and the person involved.
I will start by telling you that on that morning, I received a txt message that I was not expecting, the message was from AJ remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html well, he and I the day before, had talked about how we both felt about one another and he told me that if I were younger, he would probably be in love with me, because in his eyes I was perfect! while I do not believe that I am perfect in any way shape or form, I do understand what he meant, and I also believe, that he himself is perfect as well, in other words, under different circumstances, we would be perfect for one another. The sad thing is, that while we agree that we are perfect for one another, we both agree that we cannot be together for many reasons and although it hurts me deeply, I am at a point in my life that I have learned how to love with logic. I have to understand that you cannot force anyone to want to fight for what they feel and that no matter how much you may want something, you have to allow the other person the freedom to do what is best for them. For AJ, it is best for him not to be with me, for me, it is best to understand and accept that.
Journal, for the past over two years of my life, AJ has occupied my thoughts daily, he is the person I can honestly say I feel that I am in love with, however, when I think about it logically, I also think that I am more "in love" with the idea of being in love, because I have not felt that for anyone since Benjamin, remember him? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html The best part about what I feel for AJ, is that he and I are such great friends, that I was able to talk to him about all of this, and told him that he was my reason, my reason not to allow anyone else in. Holding on to him, sheltered me from letting anyone in and allowing anyone to hurt me. Loving him has felt safe, because I know, that even if he isn't in love with me, he truly loves me as he told me he does. However, under the right circumstances, I know for a fact that I would have allowed myself to be completely completely in love with him, with all my heart, mind, body and soul! and the only reason why I never allowed myself to feel that way for him completely, and the only reason why he never allowed himself to feel that way for me completely, was because of our age difference, because of the fear of the judgments of others towards what we shared. It saddens me, that we both allowed judgments to be the reason for us not allowing ourselves to feel what deep down we both wanted, it isn't fair, but that is life and no matter what age I am or what age he is, the fact is that he did not allow us to to share in each other. I say this, because I would of fought for what I wanted to allow myself to feel for him, I would of done so, if he for one moment would of showed me that he was willing to fight for it also!
I have always been a rebel and always will be and therefore, I will never allow what society thinks to be "normal" to be a factor in my life. I will always do what I want to do, because life is meant to be lived and for that reason I would of fought for us, but only if he would of been ok with it. He is not and therefore, I have to be understanding. I know that he is learning and growing as an individual and that he and only he knows what is best for him.
On the second of the month, we were able to talk about everything we both felt, about how special we are to one another, about how we will always be great amazing friends! and that makes me happy! I know that soon, he will probably be with someone else, I told him that I hope that she takes care of him the way I would of loved too, I also told him that I hope she will love him as much as I do, and while I don't think she will, because the way I love him is really unique and special and different and not only romantic in nature, I understand that sometimes in life, you can't have everything that you want and that you have to be realistic and you have to accept and you have to move on.
I am really glad that when it comes to him, it is not necessarily moving on, it's more about letting go of that romantic feeling and going back to that feeling that I felt the very first time I met him back in October of 2011 when I started to talk to this young man about life and all of a sudden, we were both engrossed in a feeling of bliss a feeling of oneness, a feeling of magic and genuine care. I now have to learn how to stop thinking about him daily and allowing someone new into my thoughts. It is time, that I make my way back into love, without fear.
Journal, the magic is not in the events of a moment, the magic is in the feeling of true and genuine care, in true and genuine honesty, in true and genuine love and that is why on April first, I had a magical time. I was with someone that knows me inside and out, someone that knows that I will be here for him forever, through good and bad times. We thanked each other because with each other, we learned to trust, because with each other, we learned so many lessons. How many people can say they have someone special that way? how many people can say that there is someone they know, that will always understand them, always be there no judgements? I think he and I are truly lucky!
Thank you my special friend! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!
Safe and Sound - Rebelution
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WTcc3XuLEM
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