Dear Journal: The end of a marriage

“It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful” ~ Barney ~ Pretty Woman Movie

Dear Journal:

I have not been feeling myself lately and I really hate when that happens.  I have so much to look forward to this month, yet I wish that I could just go somewhere and sleep.  The tiredness of all that I do is starting to set into my body.  And although I know it’s time for me to rest I’m not quite sure when that's actually going to happen.  I feel like I’m starting to crash, this happens to me every few months. All of a sudden, it’s like my body is telling me something and then bam! I am exhausted and can’t get out of my bed one day.  I hate that! I feel like it’s such a waste of a day, but I know that I have to do it soon. 

I was thinking that this semester as long as I kept a schedule, I would be able to sneak in some social life in there, but the honest truth is that I don’t believe I will be able to do it.  I feel so tired! I hate to complain, complaining in my opinion is such a huge waste of time and energy, so whenever someone says, hey how are you? and I hear the words I’m tired coming out of my mouth, I automatically cringe.  I don’t want to be that woman that’s always complaining about stuff.  But I have to admit that I am really starting to feel tired and my tired feeling is mostly because I am thinking too much lately.  I already have midterms coming up, I have papers due and I can barely concentrate, it’s really driving me nuts! I really feel that this is all due to the fact that I have been at it for so many years, that I am just getting tired of all this work.  The problem with me is that when I don’t have anything to do, I feel bored, I feel like life is passing me by and there is something that needs to be done! Goodness who will ever understand me? I feel like I can’t ever just chill!

Life is pretty good, I was invited to go away this weekend to Pennsylvania and spend the weekend in the mountains; I want to so bad, but the thing is that if I go my daughter demands all of my time and therefore, I won’t be able to do a thing (school work wise) and I really need to start writing this paper and preparing for my tests.  God only knows how badly I wish I could go there and sleep, there is this beautiful lake there and I would just love to sit near it and read one of my books, it’s just so peaceful!

Journal, the other day I signed my divorce papers.  I always thought that the day I would sign them, I would feel really happy and relieved, instead I felt really sad and after signing them, I began to cry.  My husband or soon to be ex husband who was the one who brought them over to my apartment for me to sign the second piece of the divorce paper work (I had already signed some back in my country, but we still needed another set so this was his set and we were actually in front of the paperwork together) looked at me and said… Why are you crying? and I couldn’t talk, in that moment he came to me and he hugged me and then we kissed and we both knew right there and then, that this was really it, that we had both failed, and as we were kissing, my daughter walked into the room and caught us and said to us with a smile, what are you two doing?  Looking at her watching us with a smile made me feel even worse! My little girl never had the opportunity of having both her parents together because he and I were separated when I was pregnant.  Seeing her made me feel even more horrible! because I knew that, that kiss was a farewell kiss, it was also an I’m deeply sorry kiss.  However, one thing that that kiss wasn’t, was an I love you kiss.   

I could never live in a lie, I could never be with someone just to make others happy (not even my children) because it wouldn’t be fair to them for me to be in a relationship with someone I no longer love.  To be in a relationship because it would probably be more convenient for my life yet be in it and all the while be miserable and unhappy as I used to be.  If I am unhappy, how could I make my children happy? If their dad isn’t happy, because my misery causes me to be bitter and hate him almost, then how could we be good parents?  I know that I made the right choices and that kiss was a goodbye to the past and hello to my future, it was deeply emotional.   

Yes, maybe I failed; I failed at being a wife at being a mother of having the family I so badly wanted, but did I really? Regardless, after that kiss when the moment passed and he began to walk away and act himself by saying something stupid like… OH I FEEL BAD FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU STILL LOVE ME.  I realized that, that moment was probably one of the best moments in my life also, finally I will be free! TRULY FREE! and I have no regrets!

Maybe one day he will realize that he let go of something really beautiful (and I don’t mean looks) maybe he will realize what he was to blind and or too young to understand.  He spent most of our marriage judging me based on my past, dwelling on it to the point that it never allowed us to move forward.  I loved that man with all of my heart at one point.  When I love someone, I give them my all.  I had two of his beautiful children and always did everything I could to make my man happy.  Maybe my all was just not good enough.

I blame myself for it all though sort of, I should of let him go the moment I knew that I wasn’t the woman he wanted.  Instead, I kept trying and trying, desperate to get him to love me, because he was the man I wanted.  It never works if you have to fight for it, love is supposed to flow, it’s supposed to be a two way street.  I gave, gave and gave some more.  I wish I would of known then that it's supposed to be Give and Receive… I guess YOU LIVE AND YOU LEARN…….

I am happy, life is beautiful!

WHEN ALL HOPE IS GONE......

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man ~ Friedrich Nietzsche – Philosopher.

 

This month marks the four year anniversary of me falling in love with someone and holding on to that love regardless of the fact that he told me “his feelings for me were only of friendship” I held on to that love, almost as if his words were insignificant and a total lie.  Basically, this month is my anniversary of holding on to HOPE.  The hope that for some miraculous reason, as if it were a romantic movie, he was going to wake up one morning, stare at the ceiling and all of a sudden realize that he had made the worst mistake of his entire life by not haven loved me back.  That by some miraculous reason, he was going to one day be walking down the street see a woman that resembled me and in that moment be touched by the grace of god and realize that he let go of the most amazing thing that ever crossed his path and stop in the middle of the road and just run to wherever he needed to run to so that he could get me back.  Four years of HOPE, or maybe when I think about it, four years of torturing myself, four years of heart ache and pain. 

Sometimes my hope was so bad, that I would often imagine the day that I would walk out of work and I would look across the street and there he would be, standing in the rain waiting for me so that he could tell me that he was deeply sorry and that he loved me and could he marry me and could I please start having his children! (ok the rain part I just added that for effect) but the other part about the waiting and him telling me he wanted me to have his babies and marry him, that is all true! I really did used to HOPE that.  I had so many fantasies of how us being together was going to be, because the HOPE I had in my heart was real, so real in fact, that I genuinely began to believe all my fantasies.  I believed them for four years.  WOW! HOPE, is it not a great evil? 

I mean when I tell people, I HOPE all goes well I really mean it.  Or when I say, I really HOPE you find what you are looking for, I say it with sincerity, but when I think of HOPE in relation to love, I am sorry, but I do not believe in it, not anymore.

My hope for Benjamin coming back caused me so much pain.  Not only did it cause me pain, it caused me years of missing out on so many other amazing wonderful things.  I remember I sometimes would think to myself, I can’t be with anyone because what if he really does come back? What if he becomes my friend again? What if he decides he wants to marry me and for me to have his 100 babies! YEAH I KNOW! I SUCK! (insert sad face here) here is the best part of this whole thing, the other day, I found out that him and his girlfriend had gotten a puppy and deep deep down inside, I still had some HOPE that he would give the girl and the puppy away and that he would show up at my building with flowers to tell me that he was sorry and that he wants to marry me and for me to have his 100 babies! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW STUPID HOPE CAN MAKE US???

In all honesty though, I gave up on hope a long time ago, because hoping in my opinion is a way of blocking wonderful things from happening and a complete waste of time and precious energy.  Yet the other day when I was talking to my friend telling her something that had happened, I realized that I sort of hoped deep down inside that AJ was going to come back, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html the thing is that I didn’t even realize that I was hoping, until I was actually telling her the story and I heard the words coming out of my mouth.

About a week ago, I had this incredible urge of talking to AJ, I have missed him dearly these last few months, AJ and I had developed a very strong emotional bond or at least I felt a very strong emotional bond with him.  That day, I built up the courage to call him because we no longer talk, but I figured I could just call him and say hi, I have no way of knowing anything about him.  Well, when I finally built the courage to call him and leave him even just a message, automatically, I heard a message saying that his phone had been disconnected, changed or no longer in service! My heart dropped in that moment and I broke down in tears.  When I went to work the next day, I told my co-worker what had happened and as I was telling her, I remember saying... Deep down inside, I guess I was HOPING that he would be back.  He never is and I am ok with that now.  But hoping sure made it hard for me to swallow the fact that he is really gone.  In the end however, I didn’t loose anything really, I mean I gave him what I could, I was falling in love with a ghost almost, but I was always honest and genuine and sincere to him.  And because of that and that only, I know that I didn’t fail, I know that I didn’t loose anything, I know that as long as I did what in my heart I knew was right, then I am ok. 

The only thing about that story that is hard for me to accept, is the thought that maybe everything from his part was a complete lie, maybe he wasn’t who he said he was, maybe it was a fraud, for all I know maybe the pictures he sent me weren’t even his, maybe I was an experiment for his amusement and pleasure, or maybe he got confused and scared and when he said Jazzy I think deep down I love you too, he really meant it.  Maybe he is somewhere right now thinking of me or maybe I have never crossed his thoughts for one second in all this time.  Regardless, in the end, I stayed true to myself and my feelings for him and I was always genuine and for that I am proud of myself.  But I nearly got caught up in the HOPE again, except because I understand what hope is, I gave myself the opportunity to keep it moving, I payed attention to what he said and I did not allow his actions toward me, to change who I am or to lock myself up in my shell as I have done so many times before. I will never give up on people based on someone else's behavior towards me.  I actually thanks to him stopped using online dating as much and even went on dates and have kept my options open giving people the benefit of the doubt.  If nothing else, I learned a valuable lesson with that experience.

So, I only HOPE, that anyone who comes across this blog post understands that I am not saying that we shouldn’t hope for world peace or that the Yankees win yet another world series.  What I am saying is that we need to listen and pay attention to what people tell us.  If someone tells me that they don’t see me as someone who they would be capable of loving, or that they don’t want to have a romantic relationship with me or that their feelings for me are only of friendship, then I have to believe that what they are saying, is true and genuine and sincere and I have to accept it and move on, never HOPING that anything will change.  Remember that in life, all we can do is control our own actions and feelings.  I believe that what you tell me is true, because I can’t sit around and HOPE.  Don’t let HOPE, become your evil tormenter!

Dear Journal: Oct 1, 2012

Dear Journal:

So much to tell, so hard to find a way to tell it all in a short way.  But I shall try.  First, I am very excited to report that I have been invited to military ball! OH MY GOD! I am so excited about this event, because not only will my friend be dressed in his Navy uniform looking as handsome as ever, but I will be able to dress up and feel like a princess.  I CAN’T WAIT! I shall try to lower my food intake and work out harder just to look the part.  It’s funny because when he asked me, he followed the question by saying that I shouldn’t freak out but I would be meeting his parents, (He knows that I would freak out because he understands that his parents will wonder who I am to him, but we are only friends and we know this, but people question) Of course my first instinct after he said that was to well...freak out a bit.  But he told me that he will tell them that I am his friend who supports him and that he really wanted me to accompany him to this event.  I CAN’T WAIT! I spoke to my friend who is studying design and we will figure out which is the perfect dress for me to wear! I LOVE THIS STUFF! I have never been very girly but I have to admit that going to a ball just sounds like a princess sort of thing and I want to be a princess if only for a night! SO DAMN COOL!

Tomorrow is my 41^st birthday and I have to say that I am actually really looking forward to it.  I don’t know, I just love that I am in my 40’s and that for the very first time in my life, I know what I want in terms of life in general.  I’m also way more comfortable with myself, I’m less judgmental of myself, I don’t care to please people as I used to when I was younger and I could care less what people think or have to say about me (although I have always been that way) but now I am like, you don’t like it??? OH WELL! I have definitely changed a lot though (for the better I think) but there are definitely things that I need to continue to work on (potty mouth).  There are also things that are just part of me that haven’t changed.  It’s interesting that we change constantly, but there are certain things that are just part of us, things that we own and or love which sort of define us in a way. 

For me, one of those things is my dancing.  I LOVE TO DANCE! It is in my soul and something that no matter how old I get, It won’t go away.  Actually, lately I feel like I want to dance even more, it’s pretty crazy! but I really really really at some point, want to learn how to dance Tango, for many reasons one being that my grandfather (who passed away years ago and was the most important man in my life) loved it! In addition, the grace that goes with the steps that accompany that music, is just fascinating! I only hope that when the day comes for me to take an actual class (not sure when that will be) the instructor is some hot Argentinean guy! HEY! Let me fantasies! who wouldn’t want to dance with a hot partner?

On Saturday night I decided or actually I had sort of made the decision to go out dancing for my bday, since a few weeks ago, even if I had to go alone.  And when I say dancing, I mean like for real dance.  Like the sort of going out dancing where I loose myself in the moment, where I feel like no one else is around and I become one with myself, and that is just what I did! I sent my old classmate a message and asked him if he was going to Pacha which is a techno club in Manhattan, anyway, he and I had two classes together a few semesters ago and he is a straight up hottie! Like for real! I know I always say that the men I know are hot, but this one, he is for real hot, like muscular beautiful body, face, brains, the whole package! He’s TROUBLE! Not for me thought, for girls that go after him.  He and I were really cool (no sort of romantic anything) we just got along well and took classes together and I knew that he went to that club a lot.  Well, I send him a message and ask him if he is going and I tell him I am going alone and he’s like yeah I’ll be there, I’ll see you out front.  So, I put on my black sweat suit and my sneakers (it was a black event on Sat, which they encouraged everyone to wear black and yes sweat suit! that ‘s why I love that club!) and I get there and there is my friend, like literally at the front! Turns out he is a bouncer at the club! what the hell! I was like oh snap! I didn’t know you worked here? And he’s like yeah I told you that (no he didn’t) so I’m like oh ok cool! and so he pulls out a ticket and gives it to me and says here, give this to the cashier and hugs me and wishes me a happy birthday and says have fun! It was awesome! he saved me 40 dollars because that’s what it costs to get in! I LOVE MY FRIENDS! (he and I also share the same birthday, but he’s like in his late 20’s and HOT... oh, I already said that!).  While I'm on the line for the cashier, someone asked me if I was on a guest list, I show her the ticket and she’s like, oh, come on in! It felt like the old days when I knew all the bouncers in all the clubs I frequented and got in for free.  I LOVED IT! Already my night was awesome! I walked in and did exactly what my friend instructed me to do, I began to have a great time.

I DANCED 4 HOURS STRAIGHT! My legs and back are still sore from all that dancing (the age factor!).  When I finally decided that I had to make myself leave, I was drenched in sweat, I had met a shit load of people, I laughed and danced and drank monsters and water! It was AWESOME! At one point I was taking a little dance break and I stood around and watched other dancers and kept thinking to myself WOW! young people these days can’t dance nearly as good as they did in my days! FOR REAL! back when I would go out to house music clubs, the kids then, WOW! Is all I can say, the skills were crazy! I mean on Saturday, there were definitely a few that had some moves, one who I briefly danced with was really really good, he definitely had some good leg work and was very fast and acrobatic, he had talent that one.  After I did my little moves we both smiled and he gave me hi fi! I wasn’t trying to battle anyone, my mind said yes, but my body said no... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-mind-said-yes-my-body-said-no.html especially NOT HIM! He could dance!

I also met this kid named Zack, yes, I have decided that anyone under the age of 25 is a kid in my book (i’m 41!) I need to start treating young men who chase me as kids so I won’t allow myself to get wrapped up in messes.  But anyway, he isn’t someone I would that like I would hang out with in a romantic way, but he was definitely really cool and someone I would definitely hang out with, young people tend to enjoy my company.  He told me he was from Morocco and I kept thinking about oils and rugs after that, I have no idea why? I do have to say that when I think of Morocco, I think about exotic stuff like belly dancing, sexy women, hot men and oils! (what the hell is that all about!?!) so he asked me if I smoked hookah (which I have) and then told me that we should go to a hookah bar sometime, that I will definitely do.  I mean it didn’t seem like he was interested in me in a romantic way, we started talking because we were both watching some dancers and I sort of kept seeing him everywhere I went (coincidentally) so by this point he just seemed familiar and we started talking about something random (can’t remember) I think he asked me if I was with the people he had seen me with earlier (which were just some people that I was just sort of dancing with) either way, I only gave him my number because he was definitely really cool.  Also, I did so because I told myself that I am going to be social and hang out with people in the “real world” meaning that I want to make new friends outside of the virtual world. 

I know that I only have male friends and that one day when the right man comes along he might have a hard time understanding this, but I have to say that I always had male friends, all of my life.  I don't know journal, men feel very comfortable around me once they get to know me, they can talk their “man talk” in front of me and I don’t judge them.  My male friends are extremely respectful to me and know where they stand.  Some, I am really close with to the point that I feel like they are my brothers and others are just people I chat with.  It is important to have all sorts of friendships and relationships.  I have also made it a point lately to hang out with female friends also, although I don't really have many.  Female relationships are hard to maintain or have been more challenging for me through out my life.  Women tend to compete with each other and in my life, I definitely feel like it’s me they feel they have to have some sort of competition with.  I don’t ever feel like I need to compete with anyone so it’s comfortable for me to hang out with the most beautiful woman in the world and still feel that there is no sort of reason why I would need to compete with her.  When I was younger, I never understood this, but now I finally do. 

My female friends are a select few that I trust and confide in with my deepest thoughts, secrets and fears, however I know that it is also important to have females to hangout with, and that I don't really have.  Just ladies that I can go out with and have girl time.  I think for the most part the reason why I hang out with men especially when I go out to bars and things like that, is because when I go out with my male friends, no one tries to hit on me for the most part, which is what I prefer.  I don’t want to meet men in bars, that’s not why I go out to bars.

I have a feeling thought, that one day when and if  someone special comes along in my life and we hit it off and think about being a little more then just friends or whatever, I have a feeling that not to many men will be comfortable with this about me.  However, I am confident and will only be with a man, that will be wonderful and understanding and comfortable enough with himself to know that no matter how many men might surround me, he is my number one.  I also know that when that special man comes into my life, some of my male friends will slowly disappear, and that only the really close ones will become friends with my number one.  I lost so many male friendships in the past because I allowed whomever I would be with, to almost make me push my male friends away do to their own insecurities.  Well, I will never allow that to happen again.  If a man isn’t secure enough that in me he has a woman who is loyal, then I don’t know what to tell him.  I love my male friends to death and they are not going anywhere.  Anyway, I had a great weekend and I have to say, I really love my life right now!