WHEN ALL HOPE IS GONE......

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man ~ Friedrich Nietzsche – Philosopher.

 

This month marks the four year anniversary of me falling in love with someone and holding on to that love regardless of the fact that he told me “his feelings for me were only of friendship” I held on to that love, almost as if his words were insignificant and a total lie.  Basically, this month is my anniversary of holding on to HOPE.  The hope that for some miraculous reason, as if it were a romantic movie, he was going to wake up one morning, stare at the ceiling and all of a sudden realize that he had made the worst mistake of his entire life by not haven loved me back.  That by some miraculous reason, he was going to one day be walking down the street see a woman that resembled me and in that moment be touched by the grace of god and realize that he let go of the most amazing thing that ever crossed his path and stop in the middle of the road and just run to wherever he needed to run to so that he could get me back.  Four years of HOPE, or maybe when I think about it, four years of torturing myself, four years of heart ache and pain. 

Sometimes my hope was so bad, that I would often imagine the day that I would walk out of work and I would look across the street and there he would be, standing in the rain waiting for me so that he could tell me that he was deeply sorry and that he loved me and could he marry me and could I please start having his children! (ok the rain part I just added that for effect) but the other part about the waiting and him telling me he wanted me to have his babies and marry him, that is all true! I really did used to HOPE that.  I had so many fantasies of how us being together was going to be, because the HOPE I had in my heart was real, so real in fact, that I genuinely began to believe all my fantasies.  I believed them for four years.  WOW! HOPE, is it not a great evil? 

I mean when I tell people, I HOPE all goes well I really mean it.  Or when I say, I really HOPE you find what you are looking for, I say it with sincerity, but when I think of HOPE in relation to love, I am sorry, but I do not believe in it, not anymore.

My hope for Benjamin coming back caused me so much pain.  Not only did it cause me pain, it caused me years of missing out on so many other amazing wonderful things.  I remember I sometimes would think to myself, I can’t be with anyone because what if he really does come back? What if he becomes my friend again? What if he decides he wants to marry me and for me to have his 100 babies! YEAH I KNOW! I SUCK! (insert sad face here) here is the best part of this whole thing, the other day, I found out that him and his girlfriend had gotten a puppy and deep deep down inside, I still had some HOPE that he would give the girl and the puppy away and that he would show up at my building with flowers to tell me that he was sorry and that he wants to marry me and for me to have his 100 babies! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW STUPID HOPE CAN MAKE US???

In all honesty though, I gave up on hope a long time ago, because hoping in my opinion is a way of blocking wonderful things from happening and a complete waste of time and precious energy.  Yet the other day when I was talking to my friend telling her something that had happened, I realized that I sort of hoped deep down inside that AJ was going to come back, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html the thing is that I didn’t even realize that I was hoping, until I was actually telling her the story and I heard the words coming out of my mouth.

About a week ago, I had this incredible urge of talking to AJ, I have missed him dearly these last few months, AJ and I had developed a very strong emotional bond or at least I felt a very strong emotional bond with him.  That day, I built up the courage to call him because we no longer talk, but I figured I could just call him and say hi, I have no way of knowing anything about him.  Well, when I finally built the courage to call him and leave him even just a message, automatically, I heard a message saying that his phone had been disconnected, changed or no longer in service! My heart dropped in that moment and I broke down in tears.  When I went to work the next day, I told my co-worker what had happened and as I was telling her, I remember saying... Deep down inside, I guess I was HOPING that he would be back.  He never is and I am ok with that now.  But hoping sure made it hard for me to swallow the fact that he is really gone.  In the end however, I didn’t loose anything really, I mean I gave him what I could, I was falling in love with a ghost almost, but I was always honest and genuine and sincere to him.  And because of that and that only, I know that I didn’t fail, I know that I didn’t loose anything, I know that as long as I did what in my heart I knew was right, then I am ok. 

The only thing about that story that is hard for me to accept, is the thought that maybe everything from his part was a complete lie, maybe he wasn’t who he said he was, maybe it was a fraud, for all I know maybe the pictures he sent me weren’t even his, maybe I was an experiment for his amusement and pleasure, or maybe he got confused and scared and when he said Jazzy I think deep down I love you too, he really meant it.  Maybe he is somewhere right now thinking of me or maybe I have never crossed his thoughts for one second in all this time.  Regardless, in the end, I stayed true to myself and my feelings for him and I was always genuine and for that I am proud of myself.  But I nearly got caught up in the HOPE again, except because I understand what hope is, I gave myself the opportunity to keep it moving, I payed attention to what he said and I did not allow his actions toward me, to change who I am or to lock myself up in my shell as I have done so many times before. I will never give up on people based on someone else's behavior towards me.  I actually thanks to him stopped using online dating as much and even went on dates and have kept my options open giving people the benefit of the doubt.  If nothing else, I learned a valuable lesson with that experience.

So, I only HOPE, that anyone who comes across this blog post understands that I am not saying that we shouldn’t hope for world peace or that the Yankees win yet another world series.  What I am saying is that we need to listen and pay attention to what people tell us.  If someone tells me that they don’t see me as someone who they would be capable of loving, or that they don’t want to have a romantic relationship with me or that their feelings for me are only of friendship, then I have to believe that what they are saying, is true and genuine and sincere and I have to accept it and move on, never HOPING that anything will change.  Remember that in life, all we can do is control our own actions and feelings.  I believe that what you tell me is true, because I can’t sit around and HOPE.  Don’t let HOPE, become your evil tormenter!