Dear Journal: Oct 1, 2012

Dear Journal:

So much to tell, so hard to find a way to tell it all in a short way.  But I shall try.  First, I am very excited to report that I have been invited to military ball! OH MY GOD! I am so excited about this event, because not only will my friend be dressed in his Navy uniform looking as handsome as ever, but I will be able to dress up and feel like a princess.  I CAN’T WAIT! I shall try to lower my food intake and work out harder just to look the part.  It’s funny because when he asked me, he followed the question by saying that I shouldn’t freak out but I would be meeting his parents, (He knows that I would freak out because he understands that his parents will wonder who I am to him, but we are only friends and we know this, but people question) Of course my first instinct after he said that was to well...freak out a bit.  But he told me that he will tell them that I am his friend who supports him and that he really wanted me to accompany him to this event.  I CAN’T WAIT! I spoke to my friend who is studying design and we will figure out which is the perfect dress for me to wear! I LOVE THIS STUFF! I have never been very girly but I have to admit that going to a ball just sounds like a princess sort of thing and I want to be a princess if only for a night! SO DAMN COOL!

Tomorrow is my 41^st birthday and I have to say that I am actually really looking forward to it.  I don’t know, I just love that I am in my 40’s and that for the very first time in my life, I know what I want in terms of life in general.  I’m also way more comfortable with myself, I’m less judgmental of myself, I don’t care to please people as I used to when I was younger and I could care less what people think or have to say about me (although I have always been that way) but now I am like, you don’t like it??? OH WELL! I have definitely changed a lot though (for the better I think) but there are definitely things that I need to continue to work on (potty mouth).  There are also things that are just part of me that haven’t changed.  It’s interesting that we change constantly, but there are certain things that are just part of us, things that we own and or love which sort of define us in a way. 

For me, one of those things is my dancing.  I LOVE TO DANCE! It is in my soul and something that no matter how old I get, It won’t go away.  Actually, lately I feel like I want to dance even more, it’s pretty crazy! but I really really really at some point, want to learn how to dance Tango, for many reasons one being that my grandfather (who passed away years ago and was the most important man in my life) loved it! In addition, the grace that goes with the steps that accompany that music, is just fascinating! I only hope that when the day comes for me to take an actual class (not sure when that will be) the instructor is some hot Argentinean guy! HEY! Let me fantasies! who wouldn’t want to dance with a hot partner?

On Saturday night I decided or actually I had sort of made the decision to go out dancing for my bday, since a few weeks ago, even if I had to go alone.  And when I say dancing, I mean like for real dance.  Like the sort of going out dancing where I loose myself in the moment, where I feel like no one else is around and I become one with myself, and that is just what I did! I sent my old classmate a message and asked him if he was going to Pacha which is a techno club in Manhattan, anyway, he and I had two classes together a few semesters ago and he is a straight up hottie! Like for real! I know I always say that the men I know are hot, but this one, he is for real hot, like muscular beautiful body, face, brains, the whole package! He’s TROUBLE! Not for me thought, for girls that go after him.  He and I were really cool (no sort of romantic anything) we just got along well and took classes together and I knew that he went to that club a lot.  Well, I send him a message and ask him if he is going and I tell him I am going alone and he’s like yeah I’ll be there, I’ll see you out front.  So, I put on my black sweat suit and my sneakers (it was a black event on Sat, which they encouraged everyone to wear black and yes sweat suit! that ‘s why I love that club!) and I get there and there is my friend, like literally at the front! Turns out he is a bouncer at the club! what the hell! I was like oh snap! I didn’t know you worked here? And he’s like yeah I told you that (no he didn’t) so I’m like oh ok cool! and so he pulls out a ticket and gives it to me and says here, give this to the cashier and hugs me and wishes me a happy birthday and says have fun! It was awesome! he saved me 40 dollars because that’s what it costs to get in! I LOVE MY FRIENDS! (he and I also share the same birthday, but he’s like in his late 20’s and HOT... oh, I already said that!).  While I'm on the line for the cashier, someone asked me if I was on a guest list, I show her the ticket and she’s like, oh, come on in! It felt like the old days when I knew all the bouncers in all the clubs I frequented and got in for free.  I LOVED IT! Already my night was awesome! I walked in and did exactly what my friend instructed me to do, I began to have a great time.

I DANCED 4 HOURS STRAIGHT! My legs and back are still sore from all that dancing (the age factor!).  When I finally decided that I had to make myself leave, I was drenched in sweat, I had met a shit load of people, I laughed and danced and drank monsters and water! It was AWESOME! At one point I was taking a little dance break and I stood around and watched other dancers and kept thinking to myself WOW! young people these days can’t dance nearly as good as they did in my days! FOR REAL! back when I would go out to house music clubs, the kids then, WOW! Is all I can say, the skills were crazy! I mean on Saturday, there were definitely a few that had some moves, one who I briefly danced with was really really good, he definitely had some good leg work and was very fast and acrobatic, he had talent that one.  After I did my little moves we both smiled and he gave me hi fi! I wasn’t trying to battle anyone, my mind said yes, but my body said no... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/my-mind-said-yes-my-body-said-no.html especially NOT HIM! He could dance!

I also met this kid named Zack, yes, I have decided that anyone under the age of 25 is a kid in my book (i’m 41!) I need to start treating young men who chase me as kids so I won’t allow myself to get wrapped up in messes.  But anyway, he isn’t someone I would that like I would hang out with in a romantic way, but he was definitely really cool and someone I would definitely hang out with, young people tend to enjoy my company.  He told me he was from Morocco and I kept thinking about oils and rugs after that, I have no idea why? I do have to say that when I think of Morocco, I think about exotic stuff like belly dancing, sexy women, hot men and oils! (what the hell is that all about!?!) so he asked me if I smoked hookah (which I have) and then told me that we should go to a hookah bar sometime, that I will definitely do.  I mean it didn’t seem like he was interested in me in a romantic way, we started talking because we were both watching some dancers and I sort of kept seeing him everywhere I went (coincidentally) so by this point he just seemed familiar and we started talking about something random (can’t remember) I think he asked me if I was with the people he had seen me with earlier (which were just some people that I was just sort of dancing with) either way, I only gave him my number because he was definitely really cool.  Also, I did so because I told myself that I am going to be social and hang out with people in the “real world” meaning that I want to make new friends outside of the virtual world. 

I know that I only have male friends and that one day when the right man comes along he might have a hard time understanding this, but I have to say that I always had male friends, all of my life.  I don't know journal, men feel very comfortable around me once they get to know me, they can talk their “man talk” in front of me and I don’t judge them.  My male friends are extremely respectful to me and know where they stand.  Some, I am really close with to the point that I feel like they are my brothers and others are just people I chat with.  It is important to have all sorts of friendships and relationships.  I have also made it a point lately to hang out with female friends also, although I don't really have many.  Female relationships are hard to maintain or have been more challenging for me through out my life.  Women tend to compete with each other and in my life, I definitely feel like it’s me they feel they have to have some sort of competition with.  I don’t ever feel like I need to compete with anyone so it’s comfortable for me to hang out with the most beautiful woman in the world and still feel that there is no sort of reason why I would need to compete with her.  When I was younger, I never understood this, but now I finally do. 

My female friends are a select few that I trust and confide in with my deepest thoughts, secrets and fears, however I know that it is also important to have females to hangout with, and that I don't really have.  Just ladies that I can go out with and have girl time.  I think for the most part the reason why I hang out with men especially when I go out to bars and things like that, is because when I go out with my male friends, no one tries to hit on me for the most part, which is what I prefer.  I don’t want to meet men in bars, that’s not why I go out to bars.

I have a feeling thought, that one day when and if  someone special comes along in my life and we hit it off and think about being a little more then just friends or whatever, I have a feeling that not to many men will be comfortable with this about me.  However, I am confident and will only be with a man, that will be wonderful and understanding and comfortable enough with himself to know that no matter how many men might surround me, he is my number one.  I also know that when that special man comes into my life, some of my male friends will slowly disappear, and that only the really close ones will become friends with my number one.  I lost so many male friendships in the past because I allowed whomever I would be with, to almost make me push my male friends away do to their own insecurities.  Well, I will never allow that to happen again.  If a man isn’t secure enough that in me he has a woman who is loyal, then I don’t know what to tell him.  I love my male friends to death and they are not going anywhere.  Anyway, I had a great weekend and I have to say, I really love my life right now!