Dear Journal:
I have been feeling very sad lately and been doing a lot of crying myself to sleep. I miss AJ, I miss him so desperately and I feel like I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I understand that he is gone and I understand that there is nothing that I can do about it, but I also can't help what I feel. I meet so many awesome people all of the time, but no matter who it is, it's not him so it doesn't fill the emptiness that I feel inside.
I can't wait until I start my classes again, while I am in school, I am too busy to think about anything. I kind of like someone I hung out with the other day, but he is going through his own thing and I just don't feel that neither one of us is in the right frame of mind to start anything. I don't know what to do anymore! part of me wants to just run somewhere to a top of a mountain and just stay there and relax and the other part of me wants to be the cold hearted person that I act to be but am really not. My ex husband told me the other day that I am such a bitch, I don't mean to be. He told me that he didn't understand why I wasn't with anyone? why didn't I have a boyfriend? My response was that I didn't want to go through what I had gone through with him with anyone else. I told him that he had messed me up emotionally followed by Mr. Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html going in for the kill and just ruining me. He looked at me and told me that he couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to fall for Benjamin the way I had and I told him that the reason why that had happened, was because with Benjamin it had been perfect, meaning that in my mind, falling in love with him had been the way I imagine falling in love should be like. But then again, how does one know what's the right way to fall in love? I don't know! And I honestly today just don't give a damn!
But I don't feel that way about Benjamin anymore I don't think, although I did break down a few weeks ago when I saw some pictures online that he had posted of his vacation that he had been to. May I just say dear journal that, that man NEVER EVER since I have known him which will be 5 years in October, NEVER EVER! had posted pictures of scenic views and all of a sudden, there they were, pictures of beautiful mountains and trees and lakes. I WAS FURIOUS! please journal do not judge me for what I am about to say, but I seriously think I am loosing my mind, no really I am, when I saw them, I felt like he was saying to me, IN YOUR FACE! or, look Jazzy, I love nature just as much as you do! I was so devastated and I know that, it is selfish and crazy that I would even think this way, but I cried myself to sleep that night thinking about the fact that this person who I have loved for so long, had finally been on vacation somewhere, where I would of loved to have been with him and proceeded to put the pictures IN MY FACE! And then I kept thinking OMG! what has come over me, I must be really lonely, to think that he has even one free moment to sit around and think of hurting me, when he is actually just having a great time with his new girlfriend and just posting pictures of the beautiful scenery with no girlfriend in them, just pictures of the mountains! that is so strange how all of a sudden someone who has NEVER EVER done that before, is doing the same EXACT thing I have always done. But whatever! I refuse to continue to make up crazy stories in my mind about him. I blame it all on my creative imagination and I should just use my creative juices to write a novel!
I will always and forever probably love him in a very special way, of this I am sure. But I sincerely feel that I was falling in love with AJ and was to blind and to scared and to stupid to just let it happen, well, no point in dwelling on that I guess. He's gone and that's that! but I hate when I feel this lingering sadness over me, it's really annoying and then there are all these other people that want a little piece of me and I am just like OMG! leave me alone! I just want to be left alone. I need some time for healing. I just can't hop from person to person pretending that there is nothing going on inside of me, yet I cannot help but to keep thinking about the guy I went out with the other day, we had a great time, there were so many things about him I liked, most especially his sexy lips that I enjoyed kissing.
I don't know journal, maybe I am just feeling lonely lately and in need of love, I mean I have been single nearly five years now, that's an awefully long time. Maybe it's time that I allow the opportunity to have something more meaningful in my life. But I don't know, I absolutely enjoy being free and single it's soooo much fun! although when I was talking to AJ last, I was so ready to give it all up to be with him. I guess, being with someone is not something you plan, rather, it's something that just happens, it should be normal and in my mind if it doesn't feel normal it can't happen. I also have no sort of life really. I mean I am always so busy doing something, it's so exhausting at times. I need a vacation, like a real vacation, like the vacation I took last October to Costa Rica and just laid around near the beach and watched all the surfers surfing, BUNCH OF HOTTIES WITH THEIR SEXY BODIES! that was CRAZY! and I was such a goodie goodie! I just watched and then went to my room! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I was scared though, I was in a different country and I can't go around acting crazy and like a young girl, I have my children to think about. It was awesome though just to be away and think, relax, study and watch hotties in wet suits! damn! I just got a smile on my face!
Good night journal.
I have been feeling very sad lately and been doing a lot of crying myself to sleep. I miss AJ, I miss him so desperately and I feel like I don't know how to stop feeling this way. I understand that he is gone and I understand that there is nothing that I can do about it, but I also can't help what I feel. I meet so many awesome people all of the time, but no matter who it is, it's not him so it doesn't fill the emptiness that I feel inside.
I can't wait until I start my classes again, while I am in school, I am too busy to think about anything. I kind of like someone I hung out with the other day, but he is going through his own thing and I just don't feel that neither one of us is in the right frame of mind to start anything. I don't know what to do anymore! part of me wants to just run somewhere to a top of a mountain and just stay there and relax and the other part of me wants to be the cold hearted person that I act to be but am really not. My ex husband told me the other day that I am such a bitch, I don't mean to be. He told me that he didn't understand why I wasn't with anyone? why didn't I have a boyfriend? My response was that I didn't want to go through what I had gone through with him with anyone else. I told him that he had messed me up emotionally followed by Mr. Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html going in for the kill and just ruining me. He looked at me and told me that he couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to fall for Benjamin the way I had and I told him that the reason why that had happened, was because with Benjamin it had been perfect, meaning that in my mind, falling in love with him had been the way I imagine falling in love should be like. But then again, how does one know what's the right way to fall in love? I don't know! And I honestly today just don't give a damn!
But I don't feel that way about Benjamin anymore I don't think, although I did break down a few weeks ago when I saw some pictures online that he had posted of his vacation that he had been to. May I just say dear journal that, that man NEVER EVER since I have known him which will be 5 years in October, NEVER EVER! had posted pictures of scenic views and all of a sudden, there they were, pictures of beautiful mountains and trees and lakes. I WAS FURIOUS! please journal do not judge me for what I am about to say, but I seriously think I am loosing my mind, no really I am, when I saw them, I felt like he was saying to me, IN YOUR FACE! or, look Jazzy, I love nature just as much as you do! I was so devastated and I know that, it is selfish and crazy that I would even think this way, but I cried myself to sleep that night thinking about the fact that this person who I have loved for so long, had finally been on vacation somewhere, where I would of loved to have been with him and proceeded to put the pictures IN MY FACE! And then I kept thinking OMG! what has come over me, I must be really lonely, to think that he has even one free moment to sit around and think of hurting me, when he is actually just having a great time with his new girlfriend and just posting pictures of the beautiful scenery with no girlfriend in them, just pictures of the mountains! that is so strange how all of a sudden someone who has NEVER EVER done that before, is doing the same EXACT thing I have always done. But whatever! I refuse to continue to make up crazy stories in my mind about him. I blame it all on my creative imagination and I should just use my creative juices to write a novel!
I will always and forever probably love him in a very special way, of this I am sure. But I sincerely feel that I was falling in love with AJ and was to blind and to scared and to stupid to just let it happen, well, no point in dwelling on that I guess. He's gone and that's that! but I hate when I feel this lingering sadness over me, it's really annoying and then there are all these other people that want a little piece of me and I am just like OMG! leave me alone! I just want to be left alone. I need some time for healing. I just can't hop from person to person pretending that there is nothing going on inside of me, yet I cannot help but to keep thinking about the guy I went out with the other day, we had a great time, there were so many things about him I liked, most especially his sexy lips that I enjoyed kissing.
I don't know journal, maybe I am just feeling lonely lately and in need of love, I mean I have been single nearly five years now, that's an awefully long time. Maybe it's time that I allow the opportunity to have something more meaningful in my life. But I don't know, I absolutely enjoy being free and single it's soooo much fun! although when I was talking to AJ last, I was so ready to give it all up to be with him. I guess, being with someone is not something you plan, rather, it's something that just happens, it should be normal and in my mind if it doesn't feel normal it can't happen. I also have no sort of life really. I mean I am always so busy doing something, it's so exhausting at times. I need a vacation, like a real vacation, like the vacation I took last October to Costa Rica and just laid around near the beach and watched all the surfers surfing, BUNCH OF HOTTIES WITH THEIR SEXY BODIES! that was CRAZY! and I was such a goodie goodie! I just watched and then went to my room! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I was scared though, I was in a different country and I can't go around acting crazy and like a young girl, I have my children to think about. It was awesome though just to be away and think, relax, study and watch hotties in wet suits! damn! I just got a smile on my face!
Good night journal.
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