Dear Journal:
Today is a most beautiful day! the number is truly nice also, 7-21-12. It's my best friends birthday and I am going to have some dinner with her tonight, drinks and when I am with her, probably some good old reminiscing.
I feel like I am so focused on the future lately, that I don't ever think of the past, like letting go of some of the past has been good, I don't mean like the past like 5 years or so, I mean like the past 15 maybe. I don't know, I honestly don't remember a lot of it, I feel like I block things off and forget them, because a lot of what I went through, was too painful. It's really sad, because I sometimes forget even really nice wonderful memories, things that happened to my kids even, that people will remember and I don't. Not remembering some of those things really saddens me. But it is true, I really don't have a lot of my old memories, I don't understand why, but I know that I can't remember or maybe I choose not too, I am not sure. Sometimes, I remember things and that's when I feel this strong impulsive to write about it because then I can recall the information and put it on my journal, it's important for me to continue to write on here, because this is my reference tool, this is my past and my present to the best of my recollection.
I feel today like telling you, my sweet journal about my present. In constantly reminding myself to live in the moment, I have had the opportunity to experience so many wonderful joyful moments, that sometimes I become totally overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so present, that I get scared, because it is in those moments, that life is crystal clear to me and it is frightening, when I experience that, I immediately tell myself, no not yet, I am not ready for this. It is quite creepy at times to be so aware and present. Imagine, seeing everything as clear as it is and knowing, just knowing everything. I can't explain it, but it is an amazing and scary thing, yet it is important because it makes life that much nicer.
Journal, I am afraid that I don't have too much excitement to report, life has been simple lately and I have to admit that I enjoy simplicity. I get up, go to work, school and come home. In between when I have time, I chat with this really handsome guy from Spain, another one from Connecticut, another one from Brooklyn and god only knows how many others I will briefly interact with virtually. I have to say, that although I talk to them all, no one seems to fill the void that my AJ left behind, journal, I think I was falling in love, WOW! I didn't even know I was, but I really think that's what it is. I have all the symptoms. However, I have made a decision that I will not continue to do what I have done in the past which is dwell and shut down. This time, I am not going into my shell as I have done in the past, this time, I am keeping it moving. I really am, like for instance this week I even went on a date and I had a really nice time, he's quite the nice guy, I like him. Well, there weren't sparks flying, everywhere, but he is good looking and really nice and I can definitely see myself kissing him, so that's a good sign. After we left each other, he asked me to meet him again and I intend to.
I think that it is time that Jazzy starts allowing herself to be a bit more open to intimacy, I can't allow other people's actions towards me, change who I am, I won't do that. When I met this individual for lunch this week, we got caught in the rain and had to run for it, it was actually a little romantic and felt really nice, I was happy to know that he liked the rain as much as I do. We did not kiss, because I want to take things slow, I cannot rush myself into feeling things that I don't. I keep thinking about the fact that when I met AJ I didn't even feel romantically attracted to him and yet it began to happen, because I started to see him with different eyes just by being his friend and getting to know him. Of course, it did help that he was sort of my type. He had these amazing green eyes, and the cutest light brown hair and his lips! OH THOSE LIPS! he was very handsome, I mean, I never saw him in person, but I didn't care, I got to know him and that was really awesome, developing feelings for someone based on who he was. We lived far away, so we didn't have the option to have sex, but, I honestly think that sex just ruins the romance and the process of truly getting to know someone and then realizing that you love them for who they are, not for how they make you feel in bed. I think I am at an age where I can differentiate lust and love, yet you get caught up in lust, because lust is SO DAMN GOOD! but, I don't allow myself too, because I did all of that already, it's easy for me to know what is lust and what is not.
Speaking of lust or maybe I should call it crush. The other day, I saw my building crush again. Remember him? he is the guy that I didn't really know I had a crush on but sort of did, then I saw him with his who I thought was girlfriend but wasn't and then I would see him on the train everyday but then after I started to actually talk to him and he formally introduced himself to me I stopped seeing! YES! THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html goodness what is it with my luck? it's as if he changed jobs or moved away, I would see him everyday, but once we started talking, I don't EVER see him on the train anymore (insert sad smiley icon here) yeah, but the other day, I am leaving my apartment building, and I had been thinking about him off and on through out the day going, DAMN! where is he??? and all of a sudden, I run out of my building to go meet (a guy) and I'm running late so I am literally running to get to my car and as I turn the corner, there he is! I WAS LIKE OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD it's him it's him!
He was probably about a half a block away from me and thank goodness I am a pretty decent runner, because I ran really fast at first, and then slowed down when I got closer not to be obvious. As I was walking, I kept noticing his walk, which was the goofiest, cutest adorable thing I have EVER seen! OH MY! he is just ADORABLE! the way he kind of wabbled from side to side his head going side to side. He reminded me of Toby McGuire in one of the spiderman movies where he is walking out of his school while that song raindrops keep falling on my head is playing in the background. JUST ADORABLE!
So now I am running a bit slower but for two reasons, one to get to my car and two, to catch up to him acting like it's a coincidence. Except that I was making so much noise, that at one point he started to look back to see who was coming, so he turned his head halfway, but looked across not behind him. When I start getting closer I start running a bit faster to get his attention, trying to make it seem like I was close all along, and this whole time I am thanking god that I run so I am not like dying and I can actually slow down to talk and not look like I just ran half a block but just a few steps. I finally catch up to him and am like hey! and he's like, HEY! with the cutest grin you can ever imagine! and he smiles and says, where are you running off too??? and I'm like oh I have to meet a friend (a guy) which I obviously don't tell him, and then to myself I think, GREAT! every single time I see you, I am utterly grateful that I don't have to use the term (amigo) in Spanish, because if I did, by now you would probably be like OMG, this woman has a boyfriend or something, meanwhile, it's just that I'm single and a bit of a player so I date, am I hurting anyone or doing anything wrong? NO!
So now I talk to him and I'm like yeah I saw you from back there and he's like really? wow you recognized me? (it was dark out) so now I am thinking to myself OH GREAT! I'm such a looser, he probably thinks I was running to see him, which I was but still! I didn't want him to know that. So I start startling like you know when you are trying to think of something quickly to say and I said something ridiculous like oh yeah cause I was running and then you turned and then since I seen you before from the back I kind of figured it was you....... OH BROTHER! what a LOOOOOSSER! I wanted to crawl under one of the cars that were parked, because I could tell he looked confused and could tell I was a bit nervous! NOBODY EVER! MAKES ME NERVOUS! UGH!
So then to top that off, I am like, so where have you been? which clearly demonstrates that I have been thinking about him and wondering, after making that comment I really really really wanted to crawl under something, I was so obvious! and he was like oh, I was in Costa Rica. So I was like Costa Rica? really? I was just there last October, by myself. When I said that he gave me this weird look and was like, BY YOURSELF? and I was so grateful that we both had to go in different directions at that point, which by the way I had also slowed my pace the minute I saw him, which clearly showed him that I slowed down for him. WOW! WHO AM I? and so the answer to his question was yeah, I do things like that! and then said ok my car is this way, and started running again. He must think I am a complete weirdo! which I sort of am, but I don't want him to know these things, not now at least! gosh! I just acted like a damn fool, teenager in lust or something. CRAZY!
After that day I have not seen him, that was last week. I sort of hope I stop seeing him, I don't think I want to. It's just easier to not get involved with people, especially someone that lives so close for comfort. I am not saying that he likes me back and that he will date me or whatever, but I do like him or not like him that is a strong word, I am attracted to him, and that is very rare, I am hardly EVER attracted to anyone. I am so picky, I sometimes just hang out with a guy, because well, why not? but, that doesn't mean I feel that WOW! and that WOW, is what I always look for and that WOW, is what I feel when I am around him. That is too close for comfort and I am good, thank you very much I don't need problems in my life. At least with the guy that I went on the date with, if I decide to not see him anymore, I can stop and I will probably never bump into him again, but this one, he lives right in my building. I was thinking of maybe asking him out next time I see him, I have never asked a man out in my life, so I was thinking of doing that, just as an experiment and to write about it, but then If I do, that will be awkward, especially if he says no. Naa! I'm good! I am not as bold as some may think I am, my lovely journal, not bold at all! and if he says yes and things don't go well, I will bump into him and feel awkward. I think I will pass this time journal, I think I like my simple kind of life.
Ok, gotta go now. Over and out from my bed with my laptop on my lap..... to you!
ps. here is the song with Toby McGuire that I referenced, THAT WALK WAS JUST TOO DAMN CUTE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxyvTrQgMA
Today is a most beautiful day! the number is truly nice also, 7-21-12. It's my best friends birthday and I am going to have some dinner with her tonight, drinks and when I am with her, probably some good old reminiscing.
I feel like I am so focused on the future lately, that I don't ever think of the past, like letting go of some of the past has been good, I don't mean like the past like 5 years or so, I mean like the past 15 maybe. I don't know, I honestly don't remember a lot of it, I feel like I block things off and forget them, because a lot of what I went through, was too painful. It's really sad, because I sometimes forget even really nice wonderful memories, things that happened to my kids even, that people will remember and I don't. Not remembering some of those things really saddens me. But it is true, I really don't have a lot of my old memories, I don't understand why, but I know that I can't remember or maybe I choose not too, I am not sure. Sometimes, I remember things and that's when I feel this strong impulsive to write about it because then I can recall the information and put it on my journal, it's important for me to continue to write on here, because this is my reference tool, this is my past and my present to the best of my recollection.
I feel today like telling you, my sweet journal about my present. In constantly reminding myself to live in the moment, I have had the opportunity to experience so many wonderful joyful moments, that sometimes I become totally overwhelmed. Sometimes, I am so present, that I get scared, because it is in those moments, that life is crystal clear to me and it is frightening, when I experience that, I immediately tell myself, no not yet, I am not ready for this. It is quite creepy at times to be so aware and present. Imagine, seeing everything as clear as it is and knowing, just knowing everything. I can't explain it, but it is an amazing and scary thing, yet it is important because it makes life that much nicer.
Journal, I am afraid that I don't have too much excitement to report, life has been simple lately and I have to admit that I enjoy simplicity. I get up, go to work, school and come home. In between when I have time, I chat with this really handsome guy from Spain, another one from Connecticut, another one from Brooklyn and god only knows how many others I will briefly interact with virtually. I have to say, that although I talk to them all, no one seems to fill the void that my AJ left behind, journal, I think I was falling in love, WOW! I didn't even know I was, but I really think that's what it is. I have all the symptoms. However, I have made a decision that I will not continue to do what I have done in the past which is dwell and shut down. This time, I am not going into my shell as I have done in the past, this time, I am keeping it moving. I really am, like for instance this week I even went on a date and I had a really nice time, he's quite the nice guy, I like him. Well, there weren't sparks flying, everywhere, but he is good looking and really nice and I can definitely see myself kissing him, so that's a good sign. After we left each other, he asked me to meet him again and I intend to.
I think that it is time that Jazzy starts allowing herself to be a bit more open to intimacy, I can't allow other people's actions towards me, change who I am, I won't do that. When I met this individual for lunch this week, we got caught in the rain and had to run for it, it was actually a little romantic and felt really nice, I was happy to know that he liked the rain as much as I do. We did not kiss, because I want to take things slow, I cannot rush myself into feeling things that I don't. I keep thinking about the fact that when I met AJ I didn't even feel romantically attracted to him and yet it began to happen, because I started to see him with different eyes just by being his friend and getting to know him. Of course, it did help that he was sort of my type. He had these amazing green eyes, and the cutest light brown hair and his lips! OH THOSE LIPS! he was very handsome, I mean, I never saw him in person, but I didn't care, I got to know him and that was really awesome, developing feelings for someone based on who he was. We lived far away, so we didn't have the option to have sex, but, I honestly think that sex just ruins the romance and the process of truly getting to know someone and then realizing that you love them for who they are, not for how they make you feel in bed. I think I am at an age where I can differentiate lust and love, yet you get caught up in lust, because lust is SO DAMN GOOD! but, I don't allow myself too, because I did all of that already, it's easy for me to know what is lust and what is not.
Speaking of lust or maybe I should call it crush. The other day, I saw my building crush again. Remember him? he is the guy that I didn't really know I had a crush on but sort of did, then I saw him with his who I thought was girlfriend but wasn't and then I would see him on the train everyday but then after I started to actually talk to him and he formally introduced himself to me I stopped seeing! YES! THAT ONE! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-i-will-start-first-off-by.html goodness what is it with my luck? it's as if he changed jobs or moved away, I would see him everyday, but once we started talking, I don't EVER see him on the train anymore (insert sad smiley icon here) yeah, but the other day, I am leaving my apartment building, and I had been thinking about him off and on through out the day going, DAMN! where is he??? and all of a sudden, I run out of my building to go meet (a guy) and I'm running late so I am literally running to get to my car and as I turn the corner, there he is! I WAS LIKE OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDD it's him it's him!
He was probably about a half a block away from me and thank goodness I am a pretty decent runner, because I ran really fast at first, and then slowed down when I got closer not to be obvious. As I was walking, I kept noticing his walk, which was the goofiest, cutest adorable thing I have EVER seen! OH MY! he is just ADORABLE! the way he kind of wabbled from side to side his head going side to side. He reminded me of Toby McGuire in one of the spiderman movies where he is walking out of his school while that song raindrops keep falling on my head is playing in the background. JUST ADORABLE!
So now I am running a bit slower but for two reasons, one to get to my car and two, to catch up to him acting like it's a coincidence. Except that I was making so much noise, that at one point he started to look back to see who was coming, so he turned his head halfway, but looked across not behind him. When I start getting closer I start running a bit faster to get his attention, trying to make it seem like I was close all along, and this whole time I am thanking god that I run so I am not like dying and I can actually slow down to talk and not look like I just ran half a block but just a few steps. I finally catch up to him and am like hey! and he's like, HEY! with the cutest grin you can ever imagine! and he smiles and says, where are you running off too??? and I'm like oh I have to meet a friend (a guy) which I obviously don't tell him, and then to myself I think, GREAT! every single time I see you, I am utterly grateful that I don't have to use the term (amigo) in Spanish, because if I did, by now you would probably be like OMG, this woman has a boyfriend or something, meanwhile, it's just that I'm single and a bit of a player so I date, am I hurting anyone or doing anything wrong? NO!
So now I talk to him and I'm like yeah I saw you from back there and he's like really? wow you recognized me? (it was dark out) so now I am thinking to myself OH GREAT! I'm such a looser, he probably thinks I was running to see him, which I was but still! I didn't want him to know that. So I start startling like you know when you are trying to think of something quickly to say and I said something ridiculous like oh yeah cause I was running and then you turned and then since I seen you before from the back I kind of figured it was you....... OH BROTHER! what a LOOOOOSSER! I wanted to crawl under one of the cars that were parked, because I could tell he looked confused and could tell I was a bit nervous! NOBODY EVER! MAKES ME NERVOUS! UGH!
So then to top that off, I am like, so where have you been? which clearly demonstrates that I have been thinking about him and wondering, after making that comment I really really really wanted to crawl under something, I was so obvious! and he was like oh, I was in Costa Rica. So I was like Costa Rica? really? I was just there last October, by myself. When I said that he gave me this weird look and was like, BY YOURSELF? and I was so grateful that we both had to go in different directions at that point, which by the way I had also slowed my pace the minute I saw him, which clearly showed him that I slowed down for him. WOW! WHO AM I? and so the answer to his question was yeah, I do things like that! and then said ok my car is this way, and started running again. He must think I am a complete weirdo! which I sort of am, but I don't want him to know these things, not now at least! gosh! I just acted like a damn fool, teenager in lust or something. CRAZY!
After that day I have not seen him, that was last week. I sort of hope I stop seeing him, I don't think I want to. It's just easier to not get involved with people, especially someone that lives so close for comfort. I am not saying that he likes me back and that he will date me or whatever, but I do like him or not like him that is a strong word, I am attracted to him, and that is very rare, I am hardly EVER attracted to anyone. I am so picky, I sometimes just hang out with a guy, because well, why not? but, that doesn't mean I feel that WOW! and that WOW, is what I always look for and that WOW, is what I feel when I am around him. That is too close for comfort and I am good, thank you very much I don't need problems in my life. At least with the guy that I went on the date with, if I decide to not see him anymore, I can stop and I will probably never bump into him again, but this one, he lives right in my building. I was thinking of maybe asking him out next time I see him, I have never asked a man out in my life, so I was thinking of doing that, just as an experiment and to write about it, but then If I do, that will be awkward, especially if he says no. Naa! I'm good! I am not as bold as some may think I am, my lovely journal, not bold at all! and if he says yes and things don't go well, I will bump into him and feel awkward. I think I will pass this time journal, I think I like my simple kind of life.
Ok, gotta go now. Over and out from my bed with my laptop on my lap..... to you!
ps. here is the song with Toby McGuire that I referenced, THAT WALK WAS JUST TOO DAMN CUTE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNxyvTrQgMA
No comments:
Post a Comment