“A life lived without forgiveness is a prison.”
~
William Arthur Ward
Dear Journal:
Psycho analysis time again! I don’t have time to go to
therapy, so I am doing my own analyses to try and decrazy myself! (decrazy –
made up word) you see journal there is always a sort of method to my madness,
because it is important to try to understand one self in order to be good with
others, if I can identify in me things that I don’t like about myself, then I
can at least work on personal growth. I
need to be ready for the day that I am ready to have a wonderful man by my side
so that I can be a wonderful woman to him.
Sometimes I feel like everything I do is for him, him, this guy that is out there dating all these crazy stupid bitches that don’t have a clue and then one day when the time is right our paths will finally cross and I will make him so extremely happy and show him what love is all about! I almost can’t wait to meet him! although sometimes I keep hoping that I don’t anytime soon as I am still in my (decrazing – made up word) mode. Meaning that I cannot give my best if I am not at my best yet.
Sometimes I feel like everything I do is for him, him, this guy that is out there dating all these crazy stupid bitches that don’t have a clue and then one day when the time is right our paths will finally cross and I will make him so extremely happy and show him what love is all about! I almost can’t wait to meet him! although sometimes I keep hoping that I don’t anytime soon as I am still in my (decrazing – made up word) mode. Meaning that I cannot give my best if I am not at my best yet.
What can I tell you journal about my life lately? I have a confession to make and I honestly wasn’t going to tell you, but I felt that I absolutely must! Because you understand me, you are my go to, you replaced a love that I once knew. Remember him? my live journal? the one I would send letter after letter after letter to? the one that watched me year after year, the one who has seen me evolve? yes.. Benjamin Nunez! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Aside from the fact that he was my personal friend first and foremost, I have also followed Benjamin Nunez (on-line) for so very long and loved him so deeply for so long, that reading his stuff (he blogs) became part of my routine, like reading the newspaper. Before, when I was completely and madly in love with him, there were times that what he would write would hurt me or drive me crazy and those times I would often tell myself that I needed to stop reading his stuff, part of me felt addicted to his writing, the other felt addicted to him, yet the other felt like it was just me holding on to him and that was the only thing I still had, that, reading his work.
Well, I have
been minding my own business, moving on with my life, but still reading his blog, maybe not as thorough as I once did, but never the less still following him (well not technically since I had deleted the twitter account where we followed one another and he and I have never been friends on FB but we both have public FB accounts) but basically I still read the things he has to say, because it came to a
point that it was just a habit (like reading the newspaper) and I would read
through it, not feel any certain way about it and maybe every now and then draw
inspiration from his words. I admire him
so much and almost look up to him, additionally, I have tremendous respect for
him and think he is amazing.
The way he writes makes me want to imitate him and honestly, there are days that I think to myself oh my god! when did I become him? but it’s true, I picked up some of his language some of his ways, like when two people are together and they begin to act like one another. When he and I were friends, he picked up a lot of things from me as well and I have to say that I was so flattered by it. Regardless, he and I are so alike yet not really because we are opposite. Yet not really, but I guess because I got to know him in a personal way, even after all this time that we don't speak to one another, I still can sense when something is not right. I think that we had a strong connection and that there might still be some residue, or maybe I am just thinking too much into it.
The way he writes makes me want to imitate him and honestly, there are days that I think to myself oh my god! when did I become him? but it’s true, I picked up some of his language some of his ways, like when two people are together and they begin to act like one another. When he and I were friends, he picked up a lot of things from me as well and I have to say that I was so flattered by it. Regardless, he and I are so alike yet not really because we are opposite. Yet not really, but I guess because I got to know him in a personal way, even after all this time that we don't speak to one another, I still can sense when something is not right. I think that we had a strong connection and that there might still be some residue, or maybe I am just thinking too much into it.
Which ever the reason may be, the other day I started to notice that he wasn’t
blogging, that he wasn’t tweeting that he wasn’t anything and little by little
as the days went on, me not knowing anything about him began to make me very
anxious, I felt so anxious and kept thinking what is wrong with him? where is
he? What is happening??? And as the days passed I became more and more anxious. At times I would have to gather my composure and take deep breaths. Not knowing about him made me feel a little sick, I felt a little confused and distorted and kept asking myself why I was feeling this way. Calm down woman! you shouldn't care if he isn't writing he isn't anybody to you aren't you over him
already?
I am, I really genuinely think that I am no longer IN LOVE with him, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love and miss my friend. He was my friend first and foremost for over a year. Additionally, I told him anything and everything, almost the same way I tell you my sweet journal. So not knowing anything about him made me feel very anxious, like when one of your friends goes missing and you reach out to him to check to see if he/she is ok. I don't at this point think that I am any different than anyone else, I'm sorry that I love other human beings and that I want to make sure that the people that matter to me are ok. And no, I never ask anything of him in return, because for the most part I just follow him in silence and always wishing him nothing but the best. I don't delete people as if they are nothing, especially when they were once everything when they made a difference in my life.
I am, I really genuinely think that I am no longer IN LOVE with him, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still love and miss my friend. He was my friend first and foremost for over a year. Additionally, I told him anything and everything, almost the same way I tell you my sweet journal. So not knowing anything about him made me feel very anxious, like when one of your friends goes missing and you reach out to him to check to see if he/she is ok. I don't at this point think that I am any different than anyone else, I'm sorry that I love other human beings and that I want to make sure that the people that matter to me are ok. And no, I never ask anything of him in return, because for the most part I just follow him in silence and always wishing him nothing but the best. I don't delete people as if they are nothing, especially when they were once everything when they made a difference in my life.
So, when I started to feel that anxiety, I kept thinking to myself how sad it is that I can't even reach out to him to ask if he is ok? I kept questioning what it is about me that he can't bring himself to just say, hey Jazzy I am doing ok thank you for asking! I don’t understand what it is that I did to him that was so
bad that until this day he won’t speak to me, where did I fail him? what can I
do to please make it up to him? why me?
The last time I saw him which was a year and a half ago on the train platform at 14 street union square, he hugged me and we said good bye. He hugged me and I could tell that the hug was almost forced, like he knew that if he let himself go, if he let himself really hug me, he would not have been able to let me go, to let me walk away from him. So instead he gave me an almost superficial hug, but I knew his hugs, because he had hugged me before and that hug that day wasn't the same it was standoffish, holding back. Of course that same day I had also told him like an idiot that he should "get out there and find someone special!" I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING THAT! I AM that someone special!!! instead of having said that, I should of said, LOOK! it's me! the woman that has loved you for so long!!! look at me! I'm standing here in front of you holding back all this love because I'm still scared! PLEASE pick me!! what a fool full of fear!
So, how do I know that maybe he felt the same as I did? well, the day I cut off all my hair just for him, because I knew that he loved short hair, I walked into the room and the minute he looked up at me, his eyes told me everything! He looked at me in awe! like the way a man looks at a woman he loves. The first words out of his mouth were.... Your hair! you cut your hair! and inside of me I thought, OMG! he likes it! yay! But what did it matter if after all was said and done, I walked away from him at that train platform after telling him to go and find himself another woman. And that is exactly what he went and did. And me, I did exactly what I always do, I kept pretending that I would one day get over him and that I was ready to move on with my life all the while loving him like I have never loved any man in my whole entire life.
And after that day, he still won’t speak to me, nothing I do will matter, because unless we are in a crowd where there are other people and he has no option but too, that man refuses to speak to me. I understand that or try to, but it is difficult when I don’t know anything about him because as someone that I care about regardless of whatever, I just want to know that my ex friend is ok.
The last time I saw him which was a year and a half ago on the train platform at 14 street union square, he hugged me and we said good bye. He hugged me and I could tell that the hug was almost forced, like he knew that if he let himself go, if he let himself really hug me, he would not have been able to let me go, to let me walk away from him. So instead he gave me an almost superficial hug, but I knew his hugs, because he had hugged me before and that hug that day wasn't the same it was standoffish, holding back. Of course that same day I had also told him like an idiot that he should "get out there and find someone special!" I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING THAT! I AM that someone special!!! instead of having said that, I should of said, LOOK! it's me! the woman that has loved you for so long!!! look at me! I'm standing here in front of you holding back all this love because I'm still scared! PLEASE pick me!! what a fool full of fear!
So, how do I know that maybe he felt the same as I did? well, the day I cut off all my hair just for him, because I knew that he loved short hair, I walked into the room and the minute he looked up at me, his eyes told me everything! He looked at me in awe! like the way a man looks at a woman he loves. The first words out of his mouth were.... Your hair! you cut your hair! and inside of me I thought, OMG! he likes it! yay! But what did it matter if after all was said and done, I walked away from him at that train platform after telling him to go and find himself another woman. And that is exactly what he went and did. And me, I did exactly what I always do, I kept pretending that I would one day get over him and that I was ready to move on with my life all the while loving him like I have never loved any man in my whole entire life.
And after that day, he still won’t speak to me, nothing I do will matter, because unless we are in a crowd where there are other people and he has no option but too, that man refuses to speak to me. I understand that or try to, but it is difficult when I don’t know anything about him because as someone that I care about regardless of whatever, I just want to know that my ex friend is ok.
So, after noticing that something wasn’t right and after feeling like I was going to throw up and feeling nausea and feeling like I had shortness of breath and I needed to find out what was wrong with my friend. I reached out to a mutual friend to ask if he had heard from him. Is that wrong? to want to know that someone you care about is doing ok? is it wrong to love another human being this much? where am I failing? All I want from him at this point is to be able to send him a message saying happy holidays and for him to respond... you do the same, why is that so hard for him? like I understand that sometimes you want to delete people from your life because they slept with your brother or something crazy like that, but I never did anything like that, all I ever wanted was closure, for him to say that he forgave me for whatever he felt I did that was wrong and for us to be cool. Not the type of cool that I need to email him daily or weekly or monthly, but the type of cool that if it’s his bday I can wish my old friend a happy birthday and he will say thank you. I respect that he rather not be my friend the type of friend that talks to me constantly, I accept that and respect that and understand that, but after all of these years him still acting that way, I just don't get it! why me? WOW! talk about holding grudges…
So dearest journal, I will send him this post with hopes that maybe he will find it in his heart to be cool with me....
Benjamin…
PLEASE I BEG YOU! LET IT GO, SET US FREE!
BE MY FRIEND?
Ps. This song reminds me of a way I once felt.... I am no longer that woman, that woman is gone and what is left is this new creature that only wants to feel free from you. Free from this heavy weight I feel for the mistakes that I made. I am sorry for whatever it is you feel I did, my intentions with you were always have alway will always be nothing but genuine and true. I care about you, because you were a significant person in my life. I wish you could understand that.
Rihanna - Disturbia
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTKY5GTQ1HQ
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