Dear Journal:
Today you turn two, two years that I have been ever so faithful with my love to you and to my writing! THANK YOU! thank you for letting me share my life with you, it feels so good to sit on my bed, put my lap top on my lap and just let the words flow from my thoughts on to you! I don't even know what to write about right about now since I have so many thoughts going on in my mind at the same time and can't quite grasp what is all of this I am feeling.
I guess the best way to put this post together is by telling you something very significant that happened to me this past week that made me feel human. I have failed at something that I had never failed at before and although I cannot write the specifics about it on here for many reasons, I will just say that what I failed at was something very significant and not romantic in nature. What I failed at was something that through out my life I have always been successful at.
But on Tuesday, December 18th after getting news that did not make me very happy and feeling like a complete failure, I also had a test to take. so I went to class to take my cognitive psychology final. And as I was walking out of my job, I kept holding back my tears and the only thought that kept crossing my mind was.... He would be so disappointed in me. But why should that matter to me if he is no longer in my life? hasn't been for years, yet that was my thought, that he would be disappointed.
I then get to my class and I see one of my classmates and her and I begin to talk and since she is really cool, we start talking about the fact that I had a really rough day and I begin to talk to her about the situation. Immediately she begins to tell me that everything will work itself out, that this too shall pass, that I should think of things in a different way, that everything will be ok and I began to feel a lot better. After complaining to her for about 10 or 15 minutes and her giving me wonderful advice, I realize that I haven't asked her about herself and how she is doing, a few weeks ago she had mentioned to me that her mom was diagnosed with cancer and that she had to go back home to be with her because her chemotherapy was about to begin.
So after me going on and on and rambling about my miserable day and finally asking her how she was doing, she turns to me looking really strong and says, well, I am doing as best as I can, after being told by my mothers doctors that she only has a few months to live. In that moment, I felt horrible! here I was complaining about something that I can do something about to change, to make it better and there she was, this awesome young woman giving me advice about how everything would be alright, meanwhile her mom has terminal cancer. All of a sudden, my problem was insignificant, I felt so selfish. I didn't even know what to say and yet she still said that I didn't have to feel bad about complaining, because it was my problem and I should be able to talk about it and own it and then let it be and that everything was going to be ok!
SHE IS SO AMAZING! and I have no doubt that one day she will be an amazing therapist helping many many children. I want to dedicate this post to my classmate who was there for me even though her life is really really difficult right now! I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to be surrounded by these awesome people who want to make a difference in other people's lives even though they themselves go through difficulties, really really hard things that make us human. My little problem is a little problem compared to hers, yet she knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better! I have no doubt that she will succeed!
After I finished my test, I left class and after all that had just occurred through out that day, I finally couldn't take it anymore and I broke down crying right in the middle of my college campus, what the fuck is going on in my life???? that's all I could think of! and then I felt lonely and didn't know who to call, but in that moment I get a text message from one of my virtual friends from California so I called him and when he picked up the phone, I just broke down crying, but he knew just to listen and once I was done, he knew what to say to make me feel better and a few minutes later we were laughing and I kept thinking... GOD I am SO LUCKY!
So, the point of my journal the point of me sharing the point of me writing, is that I hope that whomever and whenever anyone comes across this my journal, they can hopefully find something useful on here. A story that isn't extraordinary, but that is common and real. This is real life, real situations, real things that happen. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our own little tiny world, but there is one so much greater out there and there is so many more difficult things others go through and in those moments when you get out of your own little world and see that others have a much tougher world you realize how lucky you truly are.
I had one shit day! ONE! but then there is my classmate who is going through this difficult time yet she took the time to say encouraging things to me. I feel so helpless not being able to say anything to her to make her feel better because what do you say? What do you say to this brave young woman to make her feel just a tiny bit better? how does she do it? I can't even begin to imagine. But I want her to know that she is amazing! that I have been thinking of her and sending her my love and many blessings and positive energy. That I am ever so grateful to her for her kind words and for her being so brave! GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!
So not a happy post on my two year anniversary of having you, but well, you are my live journal where for the past two years I have shared my tears, laughter, happy days, angry days and sad days. You are my journal, my life, my story.........
I leave you with this song.... It is and isn't related to my entry tonight, because I have been hopelessly devoted to you my journal and to him, the man that inspired me to write again.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Hopelessly devoted to you - Olivia Newton John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SN1gi8oq74g
Today you turn two, two years that I have been ever so faithful with my love to you and to my writing! THANK YOU! thank you for letting me share my life with you, it feels so good to sit on my bed, put my lap top on my lap and just let the words flow from my thoughts on to you! I don't even know what to write about right about now since I have so many thoughts going on in my mind at the same time and can't quite grasp what is all of this I am feeling.
I guess the best way to put this post together is by telling you something very significant that happened to me this past week that made me feel human. I have failed at something that I had never failed at before and although I cannot write the specifics about it on here for many reasons, I will just say that what I failed at was something very significant and not romantic in nature. What I failed at was something that through out my life I have always been successful at.
But on Tuesday, December 18th after getting news that did not make me very happy and feeling like a complete failure, I also had a test to take. so I went to class to take my cognitive psychology final. And as I was walking out of my job, I kept holding back my tears and the only thought that kept crossing my mind was.... He would be so disappointed in me. But why should that matter to me if he is no longer in my life? hasn't been for years, yet that was my thought, that he would be disappointed.
I then get to my class and I see one of my classmates and her and I begin to talk and since she is really cool, we start talking about the fact that I had a really rough day and I begin to talk to her about the situation. Immediately she begins to tell me that everything will work itself out, that this too shall pass, that I should think of things in a different way, that everything will be ok and I began to feel a lot better. After complaining to her for about 10 or 15 minutes and her giving me wonderful advice, I realize that I haven't asked her about herself and how she is doing, a few weeks ago she had mentioned to me that her mom was diagnosed with cancer and that she had to go back home to be with her because her chemotherapy was about to begin.
So after me going on and on and rambling about my miserable day and finally asking her how she was doing, she turns to me looking really strong and says, well, I am doing as best as I can, after being told by my mothers doctors that she only has a few months to live. In that moment, I felt horrible! here I was complaining about something that I can do something about to change, to make it better and there she was, this awesome young woman giving me advice about how everything would be alright, meanwhile her mom has terminal cancer. All of a sudden, my problem was insignificant, I felt so selfish. I didn't even know what to say and yet she still said that I didn't have to feel bad about complaining, because it was my problem and I should be able to talk about it and own it and then let it be and that everything was going to be ok!
SHE IS SO AMAZING! and I have no doubt that one day she will be an amazing therapist helping many many children. I want to dedicate this post to my classmate who was there for me even though her life is really really difficult right now! I feel so lucky to have had the opportunity to be surrounded by these awesome people who want to make a difference in other people's lives even though they themselves go through difficulties, really really hard things that make us human. My little problem is a little problem compared to hers, yet she knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better! I have no doubt that she will succeed!
After I finished my test, I left class and after all that had just occurred through out that day, I finally couldn't take it anymore and I broke down crying right in the middle of my college campus, what the fuck is going on in my life???? that's all I could think of! and then I felt lonely and didn't know who to call, but in that moment I get a text message from one of my virtual friends from California so I called him and when he picked up the phone, I just broke down crying, but he knew just to listen and once I was done, he knew what to say to make me feel better and a few minutes later we were laughing and I kept thinking... GOD I am SO LUCKY!
So, the point of my journal the point of me sharing the point of me writing, is that I hope that whomever and whenever anyone comes across this my journal, they can hopefully find something useful on here. A story that isn't extraordinary, but that is common and real. This is real life, real situations, real things that happen. Sometimes we get wrapped up in our own little tiny world, but there is one so much greater out there and there is so many more difficult things others go through and in those moments when you get out of your own little world and see that others have a much tougher world you realize how lucky you truly are.
I had one shit day! ONE! but then there is my classmate who is going through this difficult time yet she took the time to say encouraging things to me. I feel so helpless not being able to say anything to her to make her feel better because what do you say? What do you say to this brave young woman to make her feel just a tiny bit better? how does she do it? I can't even begin to imagine. But I want her to know that she is amazing! that I have been thinking of her and sending her my love and many blessings and positive energy. That I am ever so grateful to her for her kind words and for her being so brave! GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!
So not a happy post on my two year anniversary of having you, but well, you are my live journal where for the past two years I have shared my tears, laughter, happy days, angry days and sad days. You are my journal, my life, my story.........
I leave you with this song.... It is and isn't related to my entry tonight, because I have been hopelessly devoted to you my journal and to him, the man that inspired me to write again.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html
Hopelessly devoted to you - Olivia Newton John
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SN1gi8oq74g
Beautiful post. We met on POF and I have s Ph,D. In psych. You ate not alone. If you ever need to vent you can ca me at any time
ReplyDeleteThank you Larry! I really appreciate your support and will keep that in mind :)
ReplyDelete