WHAT A "REAL" MAN IS TO ME!

I am nearly done raising a man on my own.  I am proud of my accomplishment, because I think that for the most part, I am doing pretty ok, for being a single mom.  Of course no one is perfect, and he is a teen, so he is still growing as a man and as a person.  The other day, I read this poem to him and told him that to say that you are a "real man" there are certain qualities you should possess.  I told him, that a "real man" should live an honorable life and should do right by others. 


I love the poem below, it is what I think of when I think of a "real man" or "real woman" of course no one will ever be this perfect as we are human and have feelings to deal with.  Sometimes, like today when I feel like people have done me really really wrong, I read it and reflect, and try to live by it.  It helps me in controlling my negative feelings that do not serve any good purpose in my life.

This poem most definitely has to be on my blog. 


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IF - By Rudyard Kipling


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If
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Dear Journal - 9-11-11

Last night I took this really beautiful picture of lower manhattan or the wall street area of NYC, as I was driving on the Brooklyn/Queens expressway.  I always admire that view and every single time I drive past it, I always remember how once upon a time, the twin towers stood tall behind the small buildings, our city sky line was amazing and it still is.  But last night, they had lights that lit up in the background to remember those we lost on that tragic morning.  I will not write about where I was or what I was doing on that most terrible devastating morning.  


But I have to say this.  Before that horrible morning, I feel like NYer's including myself, where bitter and cold and sometimes just plain nasty individuals, yes, including myself.  I always walked around with an attitude.  But I have to say, that on that day, NY became one city, under God, Indivisible just like our pledge of allegiance.  But, not only did NY become one, but also our nation and just everyone that believes in love.  We were all united by love, the love of our freedom and our country.  After that day, I see NY as such a different place, people are friendlier with each other and foreigners.  I constantly see people helping each other out, even 10 years later I still observe how NY changed for ever.  So it bothers me when people say things like, I wouldn't go there I'm afraid.  Whomever has the opportunity to come to NYC and doesn't, has no idea what they are missing out on.  My home is DA BOMB!  I LOVE NY! 


This morning I woke up feeling a bit down about the whole thing, but I took a shower threw on my sweats and hoody and felt so happy that the weather felt like fall.  I love the crisp smell of fall in the air, I can feel it coming and I simply just love it! Spring and Fall, they keep me happy.  I left to attend my first day of Music History class and got lost on my way to school, not really "lost" per say, but took a wrong turn and then I was confused and got there late.  You would think that by now I would know my way to school, but well, it happens.  Anyway, I made my way into my first Music class of the semester and the first thing my professor says is put your name on a piece of paper and answer the questions on the board! this is your first quiz! I WAS LIKE WTF!!!  Here I was walking in late to the class and I walk in just in time for the Quiz, FML.  The quiz was very simple however, we watced a video on African music and then were asked questions.  After the quiz, the class got really interesting! the professor started talking about my favorite music JAZZ! woooo hooooo!!!!!! 


No JAZZ is not really my favorite "type" of music, but the word most certainly is! JAZZ!!! So, what did I learn about Jazz today you ask????? Well, for starters, JAZZ was sort of controversial.  Jazz is a combination of Ragtime and Blues, Louis Armstrong was the most influential figure of Jazz and what do you know, my first junior HS was named after him! But here is my favorite part about JAZZ.  When JAZZ started to become popular in the 1920's, white's and conservative Black's wanted to ban it! they felt that JAZZ was..... are you ready???? TO DAMN SEXY!!!! WOOOO HOOOOO!!!! Do you see any relation to it and my name????? I JUST LOVE IT! my Professor also told us that many called it the Devils music and that it was too sexual!!! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BABY!!! JAZZZZZZ!!!


So there you have it! don't say that you go on JAZZY'S journal, and you don't learn something new!!!


Stay tuned, because there is never a dull moment in my life.  Oh yeah, I have to add that the whole time my professor was putting on different videos of all sorts of different music, I was the ONLY one besides him, in the class bopping my head to the beats, him and I.  I kept thinking, what is wrong with these people??? don't they enjoy this??? I LOVE MUSIC! ALL TYPES PERIOD! I wanted to get up and dance a few times, it was CRAZY! needless to say, I LOVE MY SUNDAY CLASS! I left there feeling really happy! and that is NEVER a bad thing!

Falling To Pieces

Breakeven by: The Script


I have always loved this song since I first heard it.  I listen to it almost daily on my IPhone.  When I first heard it, It made me think of Benjamin (that's not his real name) but it did.  I'm pretty sure that who ever follows my blog is probably sick and tired of hearing about him, but what can I say? for so many years every single song made me think of him, he was the one I loved and was always on my mind.


I'm happy to say however, that this particular song no longer makes me think of Benjamin.  It actually makes me think of someone who sang it along side me in a rental car.  The song came on the radio and we both automatically began to sing it.  At first I was actually shocked that he even liked it.  When we both began to sing it, I briefly thought of Benjamin, but soon, when I saw that he was also singing it at the top of his lungs, I was taken aback and I automatically thought, I wonder who he is thinking about? I wonder who this song reminds him of?  


I must admit that for a brief moment, I felt a bit of jealousy.  I did not ask him who it made him think of because I didn't feel that it was my place to do so, or rather, I didn't know if he would of even told me who it reminded him of.  Then I thought, that maybe he just really liked the song and I didn't want to bother going there, why bring up the past or try to find out things that ultimately wouldn't even matter?  


In learning how to build meaningful relationships, I have learned that the past is just that, the past! and when we are getting to know a person, it kind of doesn't serve any purpose in bringing that up.  But, we all do it and we always fall into that trap of becoming jealous and annoyed at things that probably don't even matter anymore.  At the end of the day, he was sitting there with me, and even if for a brief moment he thought of someone else, what difference did it make? once the song was over the thought was over and we went right back to talking and enjoying our time together, it was about us.  I sincerely believe that he and I were both completely happy in that moment in that car, we were both there together in mind and body, enjoying the view of a beautiful city neither one of us frequented.


Anyway, every time I listen to the song now, I think of him.  I'm really glad that he gave the song a whole new meaning to me, It's not even about the lyrics as much as it is about the moment.  The one that mattered, that one!


The Script - Breakeven

IT'S JUST YOU AND YOUR HAND TONIGHT!!

I'm not here for your entertainment, you don't really want to mess with me tonight, just stop and take a second I was fine before you walked into my life!!!


When I was younger and partied 6 days a week, I used to get so damn annoyed when I would be in a club walking around and guys would constantly pull and tug at my hands and arms.  LEAVE ME ALONE! I especially used to be annoyed back then, because I loved dancing and the main reason for me frequenting night clubs was so that I could dance, or watch people dance.  I am fascinated by the art of dancing.  For a long time, my best friend at the time and I, started going to gay clubs, because there, everyone thought that she was my girlfriend and her an I could have all the fun that we wanted to have without having to bother with stupid men trying to pick us up.  WE LOVED IT! We would dance allll night long! it was awesome!


I am writing this quick post because these thoughts have been on my mind and I feel like I need to put them down on paper (or my blog) immediately because if I don't, they will just hang around me like a little cloud with words above my head.  It's soooo annoying! So as quickly as possible let me say what this post is about.


It isn't that I am trying to justify men in any way shape or form here, please know that I usually don't defend men because to me they are all a bunch of dogs!  Actually, lately I sort of dislike men tremendously, so you know I am most definitely not trying to justify them or defend them in any way with what I am about to write.  


This past week however, in my Psychology class, I learned that the reason why men are constantly having sexual thoughts, it's because unconsciously, they are looking to mate, to reproduce.  Yes, I am aware that many people know this or do they? well, I sort of knew this because I had read about it before.  But I just found it so extremely extraordinary, that I decided that I will no longer be annoyed at the guys that try pulling my arm as I walk past them in a bar, because after all, the fact that they pull my arm, means that they see me as someone that they would like to have a baby with! HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!!!! unconsciously, men are looking for the most suitable mate that in their subconscious mind, would procreate a good looking offspring to continue our species.  So ladies, when you get pulled and tugged by the stupid annoying shit face that won't leave you alone, cut him some slack.  In his subconscious mind, he just wants to procreate with you and that means that he thinks your genes and his genes together, would make a beautiful baby!  


Poor stupid men! they have no clue, that at the end of the night, they will end up going home alone! but at least if they have educated themselves on the topic of why they are ALWAYS trying to get laid! they will know that it isn't really their fault.  It is a biological thing that they almost can't control! and if you are getting pulled and tugged, it just means that you are pro-creation material! NOW I'M EXTREMELY FLATTERED! and here I was all these years thinking that they just wanted to get laid! damn me! how dare I be upset with all these fine gentlemen thinking me good enough to have their babies, awwww! Next time this happens, I'm just going to smile politely and say something like, NO I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILD! I can't wait to see the look on some guys face when I do that! 


Seriously though, I think it to be amazing, how the human mind works and how when you think about these things in a deep way, they make so much sense.  We are built in an amazing way, it's just mind boggling!


I have a theory about women my age that constantly think about sex too.  This I didn't learn, this is just my own theory.  I think that the reason why women my age think about sex so often, is because in my subconscious mind, I know that in a few years I will no longer be able to procreate (please note: I DO NOT WANT SUCH A THING) But maybe, subconsciously, older women that think about sex just as much as men probably do, do so, because biologically they know that they will no longer be useful for procreation.  I don't know, that's just my own little theory, but stay tuned, because I plan on finding that out.  There has to be a logical explanation about my out of control sex drive!


CRAZY! I KNOW!


PS. I'M HOME ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?? WHO AM I AND WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME????


please enjoy one of my favorite songs by PINK.  I LOVE HER! 


U AND YOUR HAND!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS7KN4c8-2s

Dear Journal – Sept. 7 - 2011

I remember when I would write you dear journal and send you to him, he was what I liked to call the reader of my life, except in reality, I do not know if he ever read anything I sent him.  This morning, I had a mini episode, I like to call it mini, because I can now for the most part control my emotions a bit more when it comes to him, yet I still cry and this leads me to believe, that my love for him is still in there, deep in my heart and in my soul. 

I shouldn’t look at his FB page at his tweets or at his blog.  It is difficult though, it’s right there, public for the world to see.  I made my page public for him and I am almost certain, that he did the same for me.   It has been 2 years now since we both did this, and the only way that I will ever close my world to him, will be the day that someone comes into my life and takes my heart away from him forever.  That has not happened yet, and I honestly don’t anticipate it happening any time soon.  In order to find love, you have to date, in order to date you have to have time, I have none.  So, for now, it looks like I’m on my own with this one, meaning, I need to continue to strive to forget and continue to move on from him and this difficult episode in my life without using someone to help me move on.  I didn't give anyone a chance for a really long time, because I don't believe that re-bound loves are good.  I didn't want to be with anyone, loving someone else, it would not be fair to someone for me to do that. 

I don't think that I am in love with him as I once was, so it isn't as difficult to give someone a chance.  However, the people that come into my life are not suitable or are not looking for the same things that I am, therefore, I just do what I do and let life be and enjoy the things that make me happy.  I like that although this episode of my life was so difficult, it was extremely important.  I learned so much about myself, that it is very scary.  When I visit his pages, for the most part, It doesn’t really affect me as it once did.  I believe that he is done playing the game with me, and this makes me really happy.  We no longer play games.  I think that he needed to move on from me as well, I too, partook in the game, it was long and hard and we both lost. 

I cannot write too much about what game I am referring to, but one day, when I am done with my studies, I will write a book where I can explain in a deeper way what I mean.  For now, I am learning to understand what was this that happened, and why my love for him so true.  He wrote something this morning that made me cry, the reason why I cried, was because it was something that excited him and when I read it, I kept thinking, God! The things that excite him, excite me as well, we are so similar, yet not really.  We have so much in common yet not really.  Two people from two worlds it would seem, yet not really.  Sometimes I feel like he is my other half.  It is almost as though for many years he read my thoughts almost.  Sometimes, I could almost feel him.  What if I was never in love with him? what if all this time I was just in love with the idea of him? He told me that once, when I told him about my ex we had a conversation about it and he said to me, Jazzy, you are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of him.  Maybe all this time I have been in love with the idea of him, and I fabricated him into the man that I want him to be, the man that I want.

Yes, I am rambling on and on today, because this morning, when I saw what he wrote, I broke down in tears, I could not control what I felt, it was this deep sad feeling in my heart and I kept thinking to myself, OH GOD! When will this feeling leave my heart forever.  As I write this my eyes are becoming watery.  Next month it will be four years that I met him, four years ago, he changed my life forever.  He made me want to be better and I will forever be grateful to him.  He was my Angel, yet no one ever hurt me as much as him, how could this be?

Dear Journal

OMG! really???? I can't believe what happened this weekend, and I keep wanting to write to you but I have been so busy I haven't had an opportunity.  I just finished reading a chapter in my geology book that I had to read and had not had a chance.  I need to start focusing, but there was a lot going on this weekend and I did not have a chance.


I so badly want to write what is going on, but I don't have time nor energy.  I love you journal, I am obsessed with writing you, you, that is you whoever reads this.  I cannot believe how many people visit my blog daily, I am humbled by the fact that people take time out to read what I have to say.  WOW! that's so awesome and now I just feel like I have to share my life with you, you, whomever you are that likes to learn, or wonders, or is nosy, or is bored, or thinks that they can relate to whatever it is that I put on these pages.  That is why I write, I write for you to read, like the song writer writes for you to sing, or the artist for you to feel something or the script writer and movie maker for you to watch.  I write because I want to share my experiences with the world and hope that something I say, anything, will help someone understand that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! BUT I AM!


Anyway, I am hoping that tomorrow I will wake up early and go for a morning run, I miss my jogs, they keep me sane.  I have gained weight and have been slacking with so many things, I feel messy and confused and fat.  I don't like this sloppy me, so I must do something to change this at once! I was doing really well and then summer came and I just lost it.  I have so much to share with you dear journal, but I really really need some sleep.


I hope to get to you again soon, I have so many ideas for you.  I keep thinking about all these different ways in which I can turn you into something that will one day, be beneficial for readers.  This isn't just about my life, this is about what I am learning as I grow older and hopefully wiser.  There is a reason for everything, I believe that there is a reason for me starting you.


Good night sweet journal........kiss kiss, hug hug!

LOVE YOU DRAKE!

LOVE IT!!!!! 


But get it while you here boy
Cause all that hype don’t feel the same next year boy
Yeah and I’ll be right here in my spot with a little more cash than I already got
Trippin off you cause you had your shot
With my skin tanned and my hair long
And my fans who been so patient, me and 40 back to work but we still smell like a vacation
Hate the rumours, hate your bullshit
Hate these fucking allegations, I’m just feeling like the throne is for the taking
Watch me take it!


DJ - Khaled Feat. Drake

Musical Dedications!

I dedicated this song to someone joking around a few weeks ago, without really knowing what the lyrics were.  I dedicated to him, because of the chorus, he brought me up brought me down it was like a yo yo sensation, that I could no longer handle (story of my life) so after I dedicate it and think to myself, holy shit! what if he thinks I am really dedicating this stupid song to him, I decided to look up the lyrics and when I did, I was like HOLY SHIT! what a perfect dedication! I'm so good at song dedications ha!


This person brought me up brought me down and made me feel many things.  I'm glad I had the opportunity to live some unforgettable moments with him.  I might not always express how I am feeling the proper way, but it doesn't mean I don't feel it.   Sometimes in life, we have to make decisions with our minds, not our hearts.  My heart said yes, my mind said run.........

WAY BACK INTO LOVE

I woke up happy! and I have been listening to this cheesy but cute song for a few days now, because the other day I was thinking about Benjamin going, why am I thinking about him again??? http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/09/friday-night-blog-post.html I have been doing well in terms on letting go and moving on, FINALLY! but, the other day I had what I like to call a "relapse" I recovered from that relapse asap....  THANK GOD! 


Anyway, I had to put this cheesy cute song on my blog, because I feel like I'm not afraid anymore to move on.  I was soooo afraid for so long.   I haven't been this happy in a very long time.   And I will one day find my way back into love, when the time is right.  For now, I plan on just continuing to enjoy my single life, which is sort of addictive.   Anyway, this song is from the movie Music and Lyrics with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore who I ABSOLUTELY LOVE! and of course, I am a sucker for romantic comedies, like the girl that I am!


Enjoy!


Way back into love By Hugh Grant and Haley Bennett

THE FRIDAY NIGHT BLOG POST

Yes, I too am disappointed in myself for sitting on my bed in my sports bra and Calvin Klein girl brief's, writing, instead of being out in a bar somewhere having one to many beers.  The truth however is, that I am happy doing just this! What does this tell me about myself?


Maybe I am going into "nesting mode" too bad I don't have anyone to actually "nest" with.  I once told someone, that I couldn't believe he was home blogging on a Friday night, yet, I almost feel like I have warped into the female version of him, he was that much of an inspiration to me perhaps? I love to admire someone and maybe, it is this admiration that has gotten me through many many things, that I can't even express.  Can I tell you a secret? the other day, after months of absolutely leaving him alone, I couldn't control my urge, and I sent him a message.  I will not write on here exactly what my message said, but it was something like this...........


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I read your blog today and I have to say that I am so proud of the way you have evolved in these last few years.  I think of you each day still.  I hope that one day, you would be so kind, as to accompany me to dinner and we can sit and have a meal, like the two adults that we are.  We can have a date.  Yes, I am asking you out, because I know you won't respond so it makes it easy for me to ask.  I have never asked a man out on a date, but If I could turn back time, you would of been the first.  You are still my inspiration and I thank life, for having put you in my path.  There is a reason for everything.  I hope you will learn much in the next class that you will be taking, the next class will be about love.  Maybe there, you will comprehend the extent of my deep sincere love for you.  I will miss seeing your beautiful face each week.


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After I sent this message to him, I did not get an answer as I anticipated that I wouldn't.  I was ok with it.  I didn't expect it nor do I think I even wanted one.  But I know he read it and I know he wondered and I know he cared.  You, whomever you are reading this blog entry right now, will never understand why? but I do and so does he.  I have never asked a man out, and if I ever did, it would be him.  One day when we were friends and he told me he wanted us to meet up and get something to eat, I was to scared to do so, that I kind of went around the question and never got around to going.  I know now that I was so impressed, inspired, intimidated and shocked at the fact that he was interested in me, that I let fear control me and fear, did not allow me to go out with him and enjoy a dinner or a lunch or even a sundae as we had discussed.  I have never regretted anything so much in my life as I do that.  So, here I am almost 4 years later, writing a blog that was inspired by him, on a Friday night.  His birthday is coming up, I wish I had the guts to go to him and ask him out in person.  I can't do it, I'm too scared.

MILITARY HOTTIES!

So I was sworn to privacy and I had too  many drinks tonight, so I am only allowed to say........


Had a great time with my two military friends! you guys rock! and you are both very intelligent! and! THANK YOU! Now I know that I should go to Columbia University to get my masters degree!  #awesome! see you in Costa Rica!  Bad Asses! PS. Brooklyn College! wooo hooo! oh yeah, and I won't tell no one about your thoughts on.......




If it ain't tight, it ain't right!!!