Dear Journal – Sept. 7 - 2011

I remember when I would write you dear journal and send you to him, he was what I liked to call the reader of my life, except in reality, I do not know if he ever read anything I sent him.  This morning, I had a mini episode, I like to call it mini, because I can now for the most part control my emotions a bit more when it comes to him, yet I still cry and this leads me to believe, that my love for him is still in there, deep in my heart and in my soul. 

I shouldn’t look at his FB page at his tweets or at his blog.  It is difficult though, it’s right there, public for the world to see.  I made my page public for him and I am almost certain, that he did the same for me.   It has been 2 years now since we both did this, and the only way that I will ever close my world to him, will be the day that someone comes into my life and takes my heart away from him forever.  That has not happened yet, and I honestly don’t anticipate it happening any time soon.  In order to find love, you have to date, in order to date you have to have time, I have none.  So, for now, it looks like I’m on my own with this one, meaning, I need to continue to strive to forget and continue to move on from him and this difficult episode in my life without using someone to help me move on.  I didn't give anyone a chance for a really long time, because I don't believe that re-bound loves are good.  I didn't want to be with anyone, loving someone else, it would not be fair to someone for me to do that. 

I don't think that I am in love with him as I once was, so it isn't as difficult to give someone a chance.  However, the people that come into my life are not suitable or are not looking for the same things that I am, therefore, I just do what I do and let life be and enjoy the things that make me happy.  I like that although this episode of my life was so difficult, it was extremely important.  I learned so much about myself, that it is very scary.  When I visit his pages, for the most part, It doesn’t really affect me as it once did.  I believe that he is done playing the game with me, and this makes me really happy.  We no longer play games.  I think that he needed to move on from me as well, I too, partook in the game, it was long and hard and we both lost. 

I cannot write too much about what game I am referring to, but one day, when I am done with my studies, I will write a book where I can explain in a deeper way what I mean.  For now, I am learning to understand what was this that happened, and why my love for him so true.  He wrote something this morning that made me cry, the reason why I cried, was because it was something that excited him and when I read it, I kept thinking, God! The things that excite him, excite me as well, we are so similar, yet not really.  We have so much in common yet not really.  Two people from two worlds it would seem, yet not really.  Sometimes I feel like he is my other half.  It is almost as though for many years he read my thoughts almost.  Sometimes, I could almost feel him.  What if I was never in love with him? what if all this time I was just in love with the idea of him? He told me that once, when I told him about my ex we had a conversation about it and he said to me, Jazzy, you are not in love with him, you are in love with the idea of him.  Maybe all this time I have been in love with the idea of him, and I fabricated him into the man that I want him to be, the man that I want.

Yes, I am rambling on and on today, because this morning, when I saw what he wrote, I broke down in tears, I could not control what I felt, it was this deep sad feeling in my heart and I kept thinking to myself, OH GOD! When will this feeling leave my heart forever.  As I write this my eyes are becoming watery.  Next month it will be four years that I met him, four years ago, he changed my life forever.  He made me want to be better and I will forever be grateful to him.  He was my Angel, yet no one ever hurt me as much as him, how could this be?