His name..... JOSEPH (INSERT HEART HERE)

Since I have absolutely no social life lately, it’s really hard to write a journal of events, as there are seriously no events in my life right now.  So, I decided to write about my past, as I had intended to do back in December when I started my blog.  

I have been thinking a lot lately, about the things we do when we are in our young adulthood.  When we think life is hard and when we do or at least I did, so many crazy things that to be honest, the other day when I had my birthday I kept thinking, God I am so lucky to even be alive.  One day a friend I used to have said to me, I should be doing all the things you did when you were 20 (that's how old he was) my response to him was.  Please God no! please don't do the things I did, listen to me please, you are doing it right.  

This post is about Joseph (insert sad face here) the boy I met before I had any children and I lived all alone in NYC, I had the freedom to do as I pleased, and I just lived my life as a wild NYC girl would.  

I met Joey in a club one night when I was very very young.  Damn! Writing very very young, just made me feel very very old (insert sad face here) anywho, I used to go to this club called the Tunnel which was a house music club in Chelsea NYC or was it there?? I can’t really remember now, because that was when I was really really young! (insert sad face here) Back the (damn that just made me feel old) Chelsea was filled with hookers and drug dealers (I was never a hooker! thank God).  There would be pimps walking around the streets and seriously, the streets were filled with drug addicts.  It was truly sad.

I have always had a very strange in my opinion, taste in men, or maybe, I just hang out with women who have different taste in men then I do, and therefore, when I ask their opinion on the men I might think are good looking, they will look at me funny.  I will never forget the way I met Joey though, or what my initial thought about him was and how my friend said I was crazy and laughed at me because she didn't think he was good looking at all.  The other day however, I was thinking about "my taste" in men and started thinking about way back when, when I was younger (insert sad face here) and compared my taste in men then versus now and I realized that most of the men that were significant in my life, had some sort of resemblance in their look.  Meaning, my taste has not changed very much and I am pretty stuck in my ways as far as taste or the type of man I like is concerned.  

Anyway, when I saw Joey, I noticed him because he was dancing and I loved the way he danced.  I have written before how I love the art of dancing.  I remember that he was in a dance circle battling and I stood there watching him in amazement and thinking to myself omg! He looks like Prince! (Prince the artist Prince).  He was thin and a bit taller then I was.  He had dark long hair, the length was probably a little past his chin.  He had an oval thin face and thin nose and very sexy lips (I love lips, kissing is my weakness) He had a shadow beard well trimmed, scruffy but sexy! I remember that night so vivid, that I even remember what he was wearing.  He had on a white button down polo (by Ralph Lauren) shirt, some jeans a hat and sneakers.  He was in my eyes, just FINE! 

I don't remember how we started talking all I remember though, is that by the end of the night, in the clubs, they would always play disco classics and music by Prince.  I remember him and I dancing and hugging and next thing I knew, we were in his bedroom having crazy sweaty passionate out of control sex! And after that day and for the next few months, we continued to have crazy passionate uncontrollably excellent sexy body (his not mine) sex and sex and more sex! It was fucking awesome! Literally!

Please don't expect me to write anything else about Joseph, because I don't remember his full name or date of birth or what his favorite color was, or what school he was attending. I only remember that he was living in Williamsburg Brooklyn, he live with his dad and his dream was to be a professional dancer oh yeah and that we had sex sex and nothing but sex! It was awesome! damn those were the days (insert sad face here)

We had so much sex in fact, that one day, (please note, what I'm about to write next may seem a bit gross so proceed with caution)I get my period and I am in bed with the most horrific cramps I had ever had in my life, and everytime I would get up from the bed, these huge chunks of liver like pieces of blood were coming down and falling into the toilet, I remember feeling so extremely scared and in shock and not knowing what to do or who to call.  I was so scared in fact, that when I felt that the next chunk of blood was about to come down, I would try to squeeze my vagina almost in hopes that the stuff wouldn't come out.  I lived alone in a room and I didn't have health insurance, I was about 18 and I had no clue as to what the fuck was going on! I was very sick for a few days, and I was pale and didn't leave that room until the bleeding stopped.  It was truly a horrific experience.  

A few months later I was telling a woman who was older then I was, what had happened, she told me that it appeared as though I had a miscarriage.  As an adult who has more experience now and thinking back at those events, there is no doubt in my mind that, I indeed had a miscarriage.  When I think now of that experience, I cannot help but to thank my lucky stars and all the alcohol that I used to drink, and all the partying that him and I were doing, for that miscarriage! I was pregnant with Joey's baby and didn't know it.  Til this day, Joey never found out, because we broke up and I never had the opportunity to tell him.  

Writing this makes me wonder was the sex really that good?  What did I know about sex at 18 years old??? I bet what I thought was great sex then, I would probably laugh about now.

Right after breaking up with Joey, I met my oldest sons dad, at that point in my life, I was young and alone and I went from relationship to relationship because I did not know better.  My son's dad, was a graffiti artist from the upper west side who knew everybody or at least everyone in the (club scene) social circle.  Dancers, graffiti artists, gangsters, thieves, drug dealers.  Because he was very well respected, Joey stopped talking to me, because he didn't want any (beef) problems with anyone.  And, I was not allowed to talk or be anywhere near Joey, so Joey and I never got to talk again.  

When I had my first son, I wanted to give him as a middle name the name Joseph, because that was his grandfathers middle name.  I wasn't able to give him that name, because my son's dad, did not allow me too, he kept saying that I wanted to name him that because I always thought of Joey.  That was not the case though, I just always liked the name Joseph.  I didn't give my first son that name, but when I had my second son, I gave him that name as his middle name.  Maybe deep down inside I always did remember Joey, or just thought he was a great dancer and lover and someone who's child I briefly carried inside of me.

I never saw Joey again.  Every now and then, I will see a man that resembles him and think to myself, I wonder if that's him? or I will think, wow, that's probably what Joey would look like now.  When I think back at that time of my life and I compare it to now, I think! OMG! the crazy things I have done! I'm so blessed to still be here writing this story.  For many reasons I can't really tell the stories exactly as they happened.  But I will say this, we live everyday and we learn and I meet younger people all the time because I attract them like flowers attract bees.  I always talk to them and give advice to them and hope that they will even consider one or two things that I say.  

I didn't have anyone in my life at that time to tell me anything.  I was a wild child, running around the streets of NY acting all kinds of crazy.  I'm glad that I had my first son, who truly made me stop and realize that I needed to change my life for the better.  I believe that today I am exactly where I am supposed to be.....

This is my memory of Joseph (Joey).... Thank you for reading!


He really did look like Prince... Enjoy my favorite Prince song...

Prince - When Doves Cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9rZ4fOHReo