What in the world, would you do with a man half your age? Well, I cannot tell you what you would do, but I will tell you what happened to me and what I did about it.
I have had two very interesting experiences with men half my age. It is important for me to write about this because this is my journal and they were important to me in my life. From both I have learned very valuable lessons. This post was supposed to be about both of them, but as I began to re read it, so that I could post it, I realized that I couldn't write about both in one entry because it was too much to say in just one page and because they were both as I stated before, very meaningful to me in my journey of growing as an individual as a woman and as a single mother. In addition, they are both worthy of a whole page because they are both wonderful young men who I truly believed that cared about me for me. They weren't out to use me or gain anything from me.
We all have our stories, some people like to keep their stories to themselves, others give little bits and pieces and sugar coat some parts of theirs. And me, well I just journal my stories and let he or she that wishes to come into my world do so at their leisure.
When someone tells me they read one of my entries and continues with a phrase such as, I know what you meant because I would probably feel the same way if that happened to me or wow Jazzy something similar happened to me, then at that moment I realize that me writing my journal publicly is one of the best things I have ever done. And that no matter how people may judge me based on what they read on here, it doesn't matter to me, because I am not making up lies or stories or trying to sell anything. I am simply sharing my life with you, yes you the person reading this now. It fills me with joy that when I started writing my journal I did so with the intention that someone would read something on here and learn something, identify with something or maybe just get a laugh and that was really my only purpose. So when I hear people saying such things I am in disbelief almost, that I am serving my purpose. Yes, this journal may not be very important to many people, but this journal is EXTREMELY important to me, because this is my story, this is my movie and I am the main character.
On August 5 of 2008 I was at this club (shocker) I was standing outside in line and I noticed him parking a car, when I saw the car I thought to myself, now there is the man that I need. In reality, I wasn't really referring to the man, because it was dark outside and I could not see the driver, so obviously I was referring to the car. I guess back then I thought that, that car could kiss me and give me love and fulfill me emotionally but the reality that we know is that material things will probably fulfill us momentarily but at the end of the day, if we feel unfulfilled emotionally we are really just empty and no car, house, cloths or any of that will change that feeling. What ever, in that moment when I saw the car, that was the first thing that came into my mind why? who the hell knows??
When the driver got out of the car I couldn't help but to stare, he was a tall slender Spanish young man wearing a dark blue polo and some jeans. He had a shadow beard and the sexiest set of lips I later had the pleasure of kissing. When I saw those lips that was all I needed! God I just love kissing! so if a man has appealing lips, I'm pretty much sold. After getting out of the car he walked passed me and he looked dead into my eyes but continued to walk into the club. After he walked into the club I started talking to my friends and forgot the whole car/cute guy thing, I entered the club and I had myself a grand old time. During the night, I happened to see him behind the bar once, but it was so crowded and dark that I didn't even bother trying to look again or talking to him or anything, besides, I was to busy dancing salsa and well.... having myself a grand old time.
When it was closing time, a fight brakes out and when I go to be nosy and find out who was fighting, it turns out to be him, the cutie with the lips! so I'm thinking what the hell is going on??? and then I look again and now he is being yelled at by this woman who happens to be my uncle's ex wife WTF! CRAZY! so I'm like holy shit! why is she yelling at the cutie??? and I felt so bad that I went up to him without knowing him, grabbed his hand and begin pulling him away saying, come on just forget about it and I tell my uncle's ex wife to please calm down and just leave it alone. I began to walk down the block hand in hand with him like we had been a couple for years. After his anger subsided and he realized that we were holding hands, he looks dead into my eyes and does a double take almost like, OH, YOUR THAT GIRL. He later told me that when he had walked into the club and had seen me standing outside, he kept thinking to himself, wow that girl was cute.
We then sit by a car and he says thank you to me for helping him calm down and starts telling me why he was fighting. He tells me that he works at the club and that the car I saw him in was his bosses who is my uncle's ex wife's new husband. And as we continue the conversation, we start to find out how we both know all the same people, how we come from the same city in Colombia and how we like all these same things and then he's like I can't believe we had never met. It turned out to be pretty weird but at this point I'm not even caring because I'm thinking 'DAMN TOO BAD HE'S SO YOUNG' so I am like well I'm glad you are ok and that you didn't get arrested or something. And then I realize that the guy he was fighting with (because part of his job was to help kick people out if they are getting to crazy) is actually someone I had initially came to the club with, he was part of the party of people I was with. Then he continues to tell me that now he is probably going to loose his job for doing his job, because he wasn't allowed to fight, but the guy had punched him and he wasn't going to allow someone to just hit him, which is why he defended himself and later got yelled at for doing so. So here we are sitting by this car and in a few minutes we realize that we have a lot of things in common and how in this little Colombian club in Queens NYC a city of 8 million people all these people are connected in some sort of way. Yet all I can think of is "why did he have to be so young?"
It is time for me to go, so Nacho asks me for my number and I think to myself, well, who cares I'm not going to marry the guy, why not? long story short he calls me the next day and lies to me about his age, he tells me he is 24 which he looked it, but later on down the line it turns out he is really 18 WHAT THE FUCK! he is 18 years my junior and I was mortified! My ex husband is 10 years younger then I am and when we separated I told myself I would never again date someone younger yet in the last almost 4 years that I have been single, I have not once met someone that was my age that I even remotely liked, actually I could honestly say, that I have not met anyone at all my age and the oldest man I have met that had a romantic interest in me was probably like 9 years younger then I am. I have seriously just decided to go with the flow or rather go with what God puts in my path. By the time I end up finding out Nacho's real age though, so much had already happened between us that at that point it really didn't matter.
When I say so much, I am referring to the fact that we had already been intimate but we were only intimate one time. It is important for me to stress that we had only been intimate once and that for the next 6 months we began sharing everything except intimacy, him and I were intimate once and once only...... FML! But either way at this point when I do find out his age although I am upset because I'm thinking OMG I had sex with someone who is 18 years old, that's sick! but the only thing sick about it is the number because if numbers were not important then there would be nothing to be upset about. By that time when I find out his real age, I simply love him (note love is not in love) and I will tell you why. I loved him because we talked about so many things, he was with me 24/7 he had met my kids, my family, my friends. We weren't a "couple" because I had told him that I was not looking for a relationship and that I had just gotten out of a marriage and was not about to get involved. In addition, he was "24" years old and I was not about to get involved with someone so young, yet in reality, he was 18 WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
When I think back at that whole situation I realize that although I told him that, I guess in his mind he had his own plans with me so he had become my very good friend. I gave him advice, he gave me advice. He took me food shopping, cloths shopping, he drove me around to run errands we did everything together except kiss and make love. That was pretty crazy, but I was ok with it because in my heart I knew who I loved (I was in love with someone who I have blogged about many times) and had I been with Nacho in any other way other than the way things were, I would of felt as if I was cheating on him (the man I was in love with) and as if I was cheating on Nacho, because I did not have those romantic feelings for him that are required in order to allow to let someone call you their own.
Sometimes things would get really weird between Nacho and I, I would sometimes start feeling like maybe I should get involved with him, but then there was that deep love I had for someone else, that didn't allow me to move forward. When things would get weird between us, I did not understand what was happening. But now that I think back at it, I realize that sometimes when Nacho and I would get into these heated arguments that had someone being looking at us they would of assumed we were a couple I understand that what was happening was that he was trying to prove to me that he was man enough for me and that he did not want sex from me but rather, what he wanted was me. Yet I could not give him me, because I was in love with someone else and I told him this. I would even encourage him to date and to find a girlfriend and although sometimes I could imagine myself being with him, I didn't feel ready or able to give him me the way I know I can. I did not want to use him to forget someone else.
About 6 months into this "friendship" I get a call from him one day at like 2 am and he tells me to wish him luck because he is leaving to Colombia. When he said "wish me luck" my heart sank because in that moment I knew that my new young friend was about to commit one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but who was I really to tell him not to go? I yelled at him and told him he better not be going there to do what I was thinking and he said just pray for me ok. I couldn't sleep that night thinking of all the horrible things that could happen to him and I kept hoping that he was telling me that he was going away just to impress me. The next morning, I woke up and called his grandmother, to find out that he had left to Colombia as he had told me.
It turns out, that Nacho un be known to me, had met one of the many want to be "Drug lords of Queens" who began to sell my young friend dreams of sex, drugs and money the kinds of dreams that someone young and living in not the best situation could certainly begin to envision. This man sold him and a bunch of other young men dreams. He lied to them telling them all would be easy and so my friend took a chance and left to Colombia, to come back with a suit case full of drugs the drugs that he thought, would later produce for him so much money sex, cloths and anything his heart desired including the girl he wanted.
Of course if I am writing this it is because my friend is currently in Jail paying for a crime of being young and naive. I have never once deserted him, I went to to Colombia to visit him, I have helped him out whenever I can and I think of him often. In January of 2011 he told me that he would be home soon and that I was going to be his girl and that he loved me but I was not allowed to tell anyone. I do not believe he loves me. When you love someone, you do not tell them to keep it from people, actually when you love someone, you want the whole world to know. What I believe he is feeling is he is grateful to me because I am the only friend who has stayed in touch with him through out this whole time. As I have always been honest with him, I told him that many things have happened in these last 2 years and that I don't feel the same way for him. He told me that he understood, but that we would see what would happen once he was back. Immediately I felt this sense of fear because in all honesty, love and relationships scare the heck out of me.
I can't say what will happen 6 months from now, I can't even say what will happen tomorrow but I can say this. I did not wait for him while he was in jail in other words I did not become involved with anyone while he was in jail, not because I'm in love with him or I am waiting for him, but because all this time I was still in love with the person I was in love with for so long and because I have been focusing on my children and my education. Also, I have changed so much in this time that he has been away, that I don't think things would work out between us. The age difference no longer matters to me however, because to me age has literally just become a number.
I no longer care how old someone is as long as he is with me for me and accepts me just as I am. I have always been and will always be honest about my feelings for people because someone (the person I had been in love with all that time) played with my heart and it was the most awful thing in the world! this person hurt me so bad that although I have been in many relationships in the past, I don't think I had ever experienced such heart break. It is only now in this present moment, that I can honestly say, that I am finally after 3 years am finally moving on from that horrible experience.
I don't know what will happen in the next 6 months but I was honest to him in what I told him and I am honest with my self and I will be honest with you, yes you, the person reading this right now. I am currently getting to know someone who I truly like and although we are not in a "serious relationship" he is the man I think about and talk to on a daily basis. I don't know what will happen 6 months from now, but I do know this, when my friend comes home I will be here for him as a friend. I learned from my experience with him that age truly is just a number and that when someone is a true friend they will be with you through thick and thin. I also learned that when a man loves a woman, he will do at any age, what ever it takes to have her. Also, I learned that there are people out there that take advantage of young minorities to seduce them into committing horrible crimes.
The man that convinced my friend into doing what he did never once helped him out. If you happen to come across this blog and are even remotely thinking that drug money is going to get you far in life, think again.....NO IT WON'T!
Furthermore, if you come across this blog post and you are an older woman, being pursued by a younger man and you are having doubts about it, well all I can say is this. Go with what feels right to you, and forget people's judgements. At the end of the day, when I go to sleep, I feel good about myself because in loving or being with someone younger then me. I am not causing harm to anyone. When I go to bed at night I am happy and that is the only thing that truly matters.
I have had two very interesting experiences with men half my age. It is important for me to write about this because this is my journal and they were important to me in my life. From both I have learned very valuable lessons. This post was supposed to be about both of them, but as I began to re read it, so that I could post it, I realized that I couldn't write about both in one entry because it was too much to say in just one page and because they were both as I stated before, very meaningful to me in my journey of growing as an individual as a woman and as a single mother. In addition, they are both worthy of a whole page because they are both wonderful young men who I truly believed that cared about me for me. They weren't out to use me or gain anything from me.
We all have our stories, some people like to keep their stories to themselves, others give little bits and pieces and sugar coat some parts of theirs. And me, well I just journal my stories and let he or she that wishes to come into my world do so at their leisure.
When someone tells me they read one of my entries and continues with a phrase such as, I know what you meant because I would probably feel the same way if that happened to me or wow Jazzy something similar happened to me, then at that moment I realize that me writing my journal publicly is one of the best things I have ever done. And that no matter how people may judge me based on what they read on here, it doesn't matter to me, because I am not making up lies or stories or trying to sell anything. I am simply sharing my life with you, yes you the person reading this now. It fills me with joy that when I started writing my journal I did so with the intention that someone would read something on here and learn something, identify with something or maybe just get a laugh and that was really my only purpose. So when I hear people saying such things I am in disbelief almost, that I am serving my purpose. Yes, this journal may not be very important to many people, but this journal is EXTREMELY important to me, because this is my story, this is my movie and I am the main character.
On August 5 of 2008 I was at this club (shocker) I was standing outside in line and I noticed him parking a car, when I saw the car I thought to myself, now there is the man that I need. In reality, I wasn't really referring to the man, because it was dark outside and I could not see the driver, so obviously I was referring to the car. I guess back then I thought that, that car could kiss me and give me love and fulfill me emotionally but the reality that we know is that material things will probably fulfill us momentarily but at the end of the day, if we feel unfulfilled emotionally we are really just empty and no car, house, cloths or any of that will change that feeling. What ever, in that moment when I saw the car, that was the first thing that came into my mind why? who the hell knows??
When the driver got out of the car I couldn't help but to stare, he was a tall slender Spanish young man wearing a dark blue polo and some jeans. He had a shadow beard and the sexiest set of lips I later had the pleasure of kissing. When I saw those lips that was all I needed! God I just love kissing! so if a man has appealing lips, I'm pretty much sold. After getting out of the car he walked passed me and he looked dead into my eyes but continued to walk into the club. After he walked into the club I started talking to my friends and forgot the whole car/cute guy thing, I entered the club and I had myself a grand old time. During the night, I happened to see him behind the bar once, but it was so crowded and dark that I didn't even bother trying to look again or talking to him or anything, besides, I was to busy dancing salsa and well.... having myself a grand old time.
When it was closing time, a fight brakes out and when I go to be nosy and find out who was fighting, it turns out to be him, the cutie with the lips! so I'm thinking what the hell is going on??? and then I look again and now he is being yelled at by this woman who happens to be my uncle's ex wife WTF! CRAZY! so I'm like holy shit! why is she yelling at the cutie??? and I felt so bad that I went up to him without knowing him, grabbed his hand and begin pulling him away saying, come on just forget about it and I tell my uncle's ex wife to please calm down and just leave it alone. I began to walk down the block hand in hand with him like we had been a couple for years. After his anger subsided and he realized that we were holding hands, he looks dead into my eyes and does a double take almost like, OH, YOUR THAT GIRL. He later told me that when he had walked into the club and had seen me standing outside, he kept thinking to himself, wow that girl was cute.
We then sit by a car and he says thank you to me for helping him calm down and starts telling me why he was fighting. He tells me that he works at the club and that the car I saw him in was his bosses who is my uncle's ex wife's new husband. And as we continue the conversation, we start to find out how we both know all the same people, how we come from the same city in Colombia and how we like all these same things and then he's like I can't believe we had never met. It turned out to be pretty weird but at this point I'm not even caring because I'm thinking 'DAMN TOO BAD HE'S SO YOUNG' so I am like well I'm glad you are ok and that you didn't get arrested or something. And then I realize that the guy he was fighting with (because part of his job was to help kick people out if they are getting to crazy) is actually someone I had initially came to the club with, he was part of the party of people I was with. Then he continues to tell me that now he is probably going to loose his job for doing his job, because he wasn't allowed to fight, but the guy had punched him and he wasn't going to allow someone to just hit him, which is why he defended himself and later got yelled at for doing so. So here we are sitting by this car and in a few minutes we realize that we have a lot of things in common and how in this little Colombian club in Queens NYC a city of 8 million people all these people are connected in some sort of way. Yet all I can think of is "why did he have to be so young?"
It is time for me to go, so Nacho asks me for my number and I think to myself, well, who cares I'm not going to marry the guy, why not? long story short he calls me the next day and lies to me about his age, he tells me he is 24 which he looked it, but later on down the line it turns out he is really 18 WHAT THE FUCK! he is 18 years my junior and I was mortified! My ex husband is 10 years younger then I am and when we separated I told myself I would never again date someone younger yet in the last almost 4 years that I have been single, I have not once met someone that was my age that I even remotely liked, actually I could honestly say, that I have not met anyone at all my age and the oldest man I have met that had a romantic interest in me was probably like 9 years younger then I am. I have seriously just decided to go with the flow or rather go with what God puts in my path. By the time I end up finding out Nacho's real age though, so much had already happened between us that at that point it really didn't matter.
When I say so much, I am referring to the fact that we had already been intimate but we were only intimate one time. It is important for me to stress that we had only been intimate once and that for the next 6 months we began sharing everything except intimacy, him and I were intimate once and once only...... FML! But either way at this point when I do find out his age although I am upset because I'm thinking OMG I had sex with someone who is 18 years old, that's sick! but the only thing sick about it is the number because if numbers were not important then there would be nothing to be upset about. By that time when I find out his real age, I simply love him (note love is not in love) and I will tell you why. I loved him because we talked about so many things, he was with me 24/7 he had met my kids, my family, my friends. We weren't a "couple" because I had told him that I was not looking for a relationship and that I had just gotten out of a marriage and was not about to get involved. In addition, he was "24" years old and I was not about to get involved with someone so young, yet in reality, he was 18 WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
When I think back at that whole situation I realize that although I told him that, I guess in his mind he had his own plans with me so he had become my very good friend. I gave him advice, he gave me advice. He took me food shopping, cloths shopping, he drove me around to run errands we did everything together except kiss and make love. That was pretty crazy, but I was ok with it because in my heart I knew who I loved (I was in love with someone who I have blogged about many times) and had I been with Nacho in any other way other than the way things were, I would of felt as if I was cheating on him (the man I was in love with) and as if I was cheating on Nacho, because I did not have those romantic feelings for him that are required in order to allow to let someone call you their own.
Sometimes things would get really weird between Nacho and I, I would sometimes start feeling like maybe I should get involved with him, but then there was that deep love I had for someone else, that didn't allow me to move forward. When things would get weird between us, I did not understand what was happening. But now that I think back at it, I realize that sometimes when Nacho and I would get into these heated arguments that had someone being looking at us they would of assumed we were a couple I understand that what was happening was that he was trying to prove to me that he was man enough for me and that he did not want sex from me but rather, what he wanted was me. Yet I could not give him me, because I was in love with someone else and I told him this. I would even encourage him to date and to find a girlfriend and although sometimes I could imagine myself being with him, I didn't feel ready or able to give him me the way I know I can. I did not want to use him to forget someone else.
About 6 months into this "friendship" I get a call from him one day at like 2 am and he tells me to wish him luck because he is leaving to Colombia. When he said "wish me luck" my heart sank because in that moment I knew that my new young friend was about to commit one of the biggest mistakes of his life, but who was I really to tell him not to go? I yelled at him and told him he better not be going there to do what I was thinking and he said just pray for me ok. I couldn't sleep that night thinking of all the horrible things that could happen to him and I kept hoping that he was telling me that he was going away just to impress me. The next morning, I woke up and called his grandmother, to find out that he had left to Colombia as he had told me.
It turns out, that Nacho un be known to me, had met one of the many want to be "Drug lords of Queens" who began to sell my young friend dreams of sex, drugs and money the kinds of dreams that someone young and living in not the best situation could certainly begin to envision. This man sold him and a bunch of other young men dreams. He lied to them telling them all would be easy and so my friend took a chance and left to Colombia, to come back with a suit case full of drugs the drugs that he thought, would later produce for him so much money sex, cloths and anything his heart desired including the girl he wanted.
Of course if I am writing this it is because my friend is currently in Jail paying for a crime of being young and naive. I have never once deserted him, I went to to Colombia to visit him, I have helped him out whenever I can and I think of him often. In January of 2011 he told me that he would be home soon and that I was going to be his girl and that he loved me but I was not allowed to tell anyone. I do not believe he loves me. When you love someone, you do not tell them to keep it from people, actually when you love someone, you want the whole world to know. What I believe he is feeling is he is grateful to me because I am the only friend who has stayed in touch with him through out this whole time. As I have always been honest with him, I told him that many things have happened in these last 2 years and that I don't feel the same way for him. He told me that he understood, but that we would see what would happen once he was back. Immediately I felt this sense of fear because in all honesty, love and relationships scare the heck out of me.
I can't say what will happen 6 months from now, I can't even say what will happen tomorrow but I can say this. I did not wait for him while he was in jail in other words I did not become involved with anyone while he was in jail, not because I'm in love with him or I am waiting for him, but because all this time I was still in love with the person I was in love with for so long and because I have been focusing on my children and my education. Also, I have changed so much in this time that he has been away, that I don't think things would work out between us. The age difference no longer matters to me however, because to me age has literally just become a number.
I no longer care how old someone is as long as he is with me for me and accepts me just as I am. I have always been and will always be honest about my feelings for people because someone (the person I had been in love with all that time) played with my heart and it was the most awful thing in the world! this person hurt me so bad that although I have been in many relationships in the past, I don't think I had ever experienced such heart break. It is only now in this present moment, that I can honestly say, that I am finally after 3 years am finally moving on from that horrible experience.
I don't know what will happen in the next 6 months but I was honest to him in what I told him and I am honest with my self and I will be honest with you, yes you, the person reading this right now. I am currently getting to know someone who I truly like and although we are not in a "serious relationship" he is the man I think about and talk to on a daily basis. I don't know what will happen 6 months from now, but I do know this, when my friend comes home I will be here for him as a friend. I learned from my experience with him that age truly is just a number and that when someone is a true friend they will be with you through thick and thin. I also learned that when a man loves a woman, he will do at any age, what ever it takes to have her. Also, I learned that there are people out there that take advantage of young minorities to seduce them into committing horrible crimes.
The man that convinced my friend into doing what he did never once helped him out. If you happen to come across this blog and are even remotely thinking that drug money is going to get you far in life, think again.....NO IT WON'T!
Furthermore, if you come across this blog post and you are an older woman, being pursued by a younger man and you are having doubts about it, well all I can say is this. Go with what feels right to you, and forget people's judgements. At the end of the day, when I go to sleep, I feel good about myself because in loving or being with someone younger then me. I am not causing harm to anyone. When I go to bed at night I am happy and that is the only thing that truly matters.
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