The other day on my way home after posting my "fuck him post" http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/02/fuck-him.html I was thinking about the post, and felt really guilty and horrible about it.
I felt bad about it, because I Love this man with all of my heart, and although my goal is to forget him and move on, thinking to myself "fuck him" at the end of the day, didn't really accomplish that goal. I also felt bad, because deep down inside I knew I had posted that blog to hurt him with my words. Whether it did or didn't makes no difference because this isn't about him, it's about me and the fact that I am the one having a problem forgetting him. So If I wrote that with the second intention, then how does that make me better then him? How does that make me a better person?
I am always promoting love and saying how we as individuals should always practice being kind, yet here I am, writing something terrible about the man I love. Making him out to be the bad guy yet look at what I did, does that make me the good guy? Or am I just as bad?
Before I posted it, I sent him a message and told him I was going to write it. I told him my blog was going to be entertaining and that if people read it, then thats all I cared about, because after all I was writing the truth, I dont make stories up. That what I was going to say, people would want to read it. Well, that blog post got the most hits out of any other that I've written. I can't tell who reads my blog, but I can tell how many times a specific post was read.
If that post got the most hits, then what does this mean? does it mean that people indulge or like to know how one person hurts another? How come I got all those hits on my blog? clearly it was the title, the title made people want to know more. Because even the title demonstrated my anger.
When I think about this further and reflect on my behavior and reaction to his actions toward me, I realize that having written that post and constantly telling myself "fuck him" every time I thought of him, ultimately made me end up feeling worst, and that a few days later, I felt bad about it and guilty because TWO WRONGS, WILL NEVER MAKE A RIGHT!
I don't want to promote negative feelings. I want to blog about my life experiences and how I have learned and grown from them, but if the only way I can get people to read what I write is by being mean to another human being. Then I rather not share those thoughts. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings for my own gain. It isn't who I am.
In my heart I know that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings with what he wrote about me, but I do know, that what I wrote was to hurt him. Who am I? I have lost myself in him and the different feelings that he has put me through. I guess this makes me the weakest person in the world, or just someone who loves someone else immensely and that is not good, where is the love for myself?
Either way, I know now that my post was that of anger, resentment and hurt and that my actions based on those feelings are not those of a wise person. My reaction to those feelings is not the type of reaction that I want to practice.
In my search for spiritual growth, I need to learn how to exercise love and kindness to even those who hurt me. I need to learn how to turn the other cheek, because I am nobody to get someone back for their actions against me. Or maybe it isn't me, it's them.
So, to my love I write to you, please forgive my un kind words to you. My anger and hurt got the best of me yet again. I am only human and I am learning and growing and I will continue to try.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9SQKREpirM
I felt bad about it, because I Love this man with all of my heart, and although my goal is to forget him and move on, thinking to myself "fuck him" at the end of the day, didn't really accomplish that goal. I also felt bad, because deep down inside I knew I had posted that blog to hurt him with my words. Whether it did or didn't makes no difference because this isn't about him, it's about me and the fact that I am the one having a problem forgetting him. So If I wrote that with the second intention, then how does that make me better then him? How does that make me a better person?
I am always promoting love and saying how we as individuals should always practice being kind, yet here I am, writing something terrible about the man I love. Making him out to be the bad guy yet look at what I did, does that make me the good guy? Or am I just as bad?
Before I posted it, I sent him a message and told him I was going to write it. I told him my blog was going to be entertaining and that if people read it, then thats all I cared about, because after all I was writing the truth, I dont make stories up. That what I was going to say, people would want to read it. Well, that blog post got the most hits out of any other that I've written. I can't tell who reads my blog, but I can tell how many times a specific post was read.
If that post got the most hits, then what does this mean? does it mean that people indulge or like to know how one person hurts another? How come I got all those hits on my blog? clearly it was the title, the title made people want to know more. Because even the title demonstrated my anger.
When I think about this further and reflect on my behavior and reaction to his actions toward me, I realize that having written that post and constantly telling myself "fuck him" every time I thought of him, ultimately made me end up feeling worst, and that a few days later, I felt bad about it and guilty because TWO WRONGS, WILL NEVER MAKE A RIGHT!
I don't want to promote negative feelings. I want to blog about my life experiences and how I have learned and grown from them, but if the only way I can get people to read what I write is by being mean to another human being. Then I rather not share those thoughts. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings for my own gain. It isn't who I am.
In my heart I know that he didn't mean to hurt my feelings with what he wrote about me, but I do know, that what I wrote was to hurt him. Who am I? I have lost myself in him and the different feelings that he has put me through. I guess this makes me the weakest person in the world, or just someone who loves someone else immensely and that is not good, where is the love for myself?
Either way, I know now that my post was that of anger, resentment and hurt and that my actions based on those feelings are not those of a wise person. My reaction to those feelings is not the type of reaction that I want to practice.
In my search for spiritual growth, I need to learn how to exercise love and kindness to even those who hurt me. I need to learn how to turn the other cheek, because I am nobody to get someone back for their actions against me. Or maybe it isn't me, it's them.
So, to my love I write to you, please forgive my un kind words to you. My anger and hurt got the best of me yet again. I am only human and I am learning and growing and I will continue to try.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9SQKREpirM
I am very glad to see this. I admit I was a bit taken aback by the Fuck Him post, it was not like you - but I was happy to see you trying to move on. I am afraid I had seen through it, knew it was just your hurt talking - but I didn't think you were ready to hear that at the time so I bit my tongue.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Your a good friend and I appreciate your feedback! I definitely was very hurt when I wrote that post.
ReplyDelete