Because to be HONEST is to be BRAVE!

“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” ~ Thomas Jefferson

Dear Journal:

I do not feel well, I have been feeling very sad lately, very on edge, very confused and very scared.  In my heart and in my soul I know the reason, yet my fear of being honest to myself has kept me from doing and saying so many things that I want to.  I cannot continue lying to myself when I pride myself in that I am honest or that I try to be as honest as possible always.  I am genuine and try to be a good individual.  Yet for the last few months probably, all I have done is lie to myself because sometimes some truths are just way too scary.

I know that as usual I might not be making much sense, but here is why.  I lied to myself about how I felt because lying to myself was easier and less scary than to accept it.  To be honest to oneself takes courage sometimes, because if you take a change if you try to be brave and you can't obtain what your heart desires, then it is scary and sad and sometimes really hurtful.  But, is it not easier to feel all those things but know that at the very least you were honest to yourself and whomever you felt you needed to be honest with? so what do I do when I feel this feeling in my heart and all the while I am lying about it because it is easier than facing it? I LIE! I LIE to myself and to the person and when you lie, the lie just creates a crazy situation.

Today I was honest with someone and the minute I was able to be honest I felt so much better.  Sometimes I feel as if that person isn't very honest with me, but that is not my problem that is that person's problem.  Maybe I am wrong, maybe I just think that person isn't being honest with me.  Regardless, that persons honesty is not my concern, I am only out here trying to save one soul and that soul belongs to Jazzy and no matter what others do to me at the end of the day, the only thing that will matter is what I do to myself and if I am going around walking in this world lying to myself about things, then how can I possibly ever grow wiser? how will my soul be rich? how will I ever one day have that which I deserve?

I know that one day, this too shall pass and that what is meant to be just will be and that everything and everyone in front of me is my teacher and that becoming spiritual and becoming one with the universe and with god, takes time and probably many sad moments, very difficult moments, many hurtful moments but in the end when all is said and done I can alway smile because I was honest with me.  

I cannot loose my focus or my direction, I need to stay on this straight path that I have chosen to follow and whenever I feel like I am loosing direction, the only way to get back on track is to be honest to myself and others.  If they wish to partake in this wonderful time of my life with me then that they may but if they don't, then I continue on my journey of self discovery and love and hope that one day in my path there he will be, that person that will continue the path with me and at that time all those that were left behind, will wonder where they went wrong? and some may have regrets and some will not but again that will never be a concern of mine because I do what I think is right and that is all I can do.  I never feel like I lost, because I am not a looser.  Rather I feel like I gained, I gain wisdom I gain happiness and I gain truth.

Journal, today I told someone the truth and for this I feel brave.......