Dear Journal:
I HAVE to write to you right now because if I don't I am going to go completely insane thinking about this ALL DAY LONG! I just got home from taking my Biology midterm and I have to say that I did absolutely HORRIBLE! how do I know I did horrible? well I didn't study. I mean I looked at the stuff but not enough and last night I felt so sick had the worse headache and went to bed at like 10, I was just exhausted! So while I was sitting there taking the test reading it and thinking to myself, OMG! I'm SO EMBARRASSED! and why does it feel like I am reading a foreign language? I couldn't help but to realize that I was definitely wearing the wrong tee-shirt on the wrong day.
Why was I embarrassed your asking journal??? Well what happened next will give you the reason.....my Professor who I noticed a few weeks ago was checking me out and I have sort of had a little thing for since I first saw him on the first day of class, and who I actually stayed after class a few weeks ago talking to him about my goals/major my work my children and he were just joking around and he and I sort of just clicked. While I am taking the test and am about to be done, I look up and look his way and he is looking my way so our eyes meet and he smiles at me and I look at him like..... I just really messed up on your test! and so I get up because I'm finally done and hand him the test and say to him, professor please don't judge me based on the horrible score I will be getting on your exam and so he looks at me sympathetically and says....... "Don't let this test be your Kryptonite!" because I am wearing my superman tee-shirt today. So I looked at him miserably and told him that I had no one but myself to blame for this. Which I do! I have been so busy with my other class that completely consumes all of my time, and so busy trying to have a life by going out on a Saturday night instead of staying home studying, that I haven't really focused much on this particular class. Which is the class I should focus on so that I can impress my professor! Then he asks me if I am going to stay for his lab, which was immediately after the test, but I felt so embarrassed I just wanted to run out of there as soon as possible if not sooner! I couldn't even look at him. UGH! what a shitty feeling!
So I leave class, trying not to show him everything that is going on inside of me and I get outside and call my step mom because I needed to talk to someone and the moment she picks up the phone, I start crying to her, telling her that I know I can't do it all anymore, that I am tired, that I want to run somewhere and just disappear! I AM SO DONE! so she starts to calm me down and tells me that I need to stop taking on so much, that I am trying to rush and that she doesn't understand why?
But me during my self analyses (yes I self analyze!) and because I know I am in desperate need of some serious mental health counseling! I know EXACTLY why I am rushing. I know that I don't want to be here anymore, I want to leave and I can't leave until I finish school. Except I still have a while before I finish school. So, where am I going? Then I think about why I want to leave? and I realize that I want to leave, for the same reason I left Florida, I left Florida because I wanted to forget someone, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html leaving there was the only way I could move on from that situation, so, If I leave NY is that going to help me move on? Is running away from things really the answer? or, do I have to force myself to give someone a real chance so I can finally move on? move on from Benjamin.... http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I am miserable lately because I can't stop thinking about him, because I am stuck in this place for five years now and that is COMPLETELY unacceptable! I don't know maybe it's because I met him in late October so I get really sad in October thinking about it? But I am tired of being stuck in this place, I don't want to be in this place anymore! the place where I am in love with a fictional character one that I created in my mind because in reality, NO ONE IS THAT PERFECT!
So what am I going to do about this? well, for starters I am going to step up my study game and am going to show my professor that I am not an idiot! and once I pass his class, I think I am going to ask my professor out on a date! OH MY! yup! and if he says no, it's ok, because I am going to start just asking men out left and right and I am only going to ask men out that I really really like and see some sort of potential with for something special. Now I am not trying to get married or have kids or anything crazy, but I am definitely ready to give someone else all this love that I have wasted on someone that didn't deserve it. Additionally, It is important for me to start dating a little, I don't think it's healthy that I don't and I really do want to have someone that I can talk to when I need it or someone who I can just share ideas with and enjoy things with.
I have absolutely no idea at what time these things will take place (since I never have time) but there are TONS of men out there that have no time for dating either, so I guess that's where I have to begin, I need to find someone that is just as busy as I am someone who will appreciate the few moments we share together. And yes I go on casual dates sometimes like in the summer and during school breaks, but I always do so just for the hell of it. I need to stop being so closed up and start going out with people that I actually look at as someone who I would potentially dare I write the term on here????......DATE!.... OH MY!
I think I have felt this way before, like ok I am ready for the dating game and then like a month later I give up. Well, it's not that I am really going to actively look, but I am not going to shy away or not notice or allow these possibilities in my life anymore. I have done that before, look the other way and ignored possibilities. For instance, about two semesters ago, one of my classmates noticed that my professor was giving me the eye and he told me that I should ask him out, but I told my friend that I wouldn't do so because I wasn't ready for that sort of stuff and I was also nervous and kept having all sorts of excuses why I shouldn't, but I should have! the only reason why I am talking about professors, is because honestly the only place where I can think of to meet men is at school. Where else would I meet men? I don't like meeting men in bars and I'm pretty much done with online dating. And at school I am not about to date a 21 year old student nor am I going to date people I work with (that's a HUGE NO NO IN MY BOOK!) so that leaves me with school and the only men in school that I actually get to talk to are my professors AND since I LOVE INTELLIGENT MEN! what better place to start??? DUH! so first thing, get my grades up, next thing flirt a little with him and next thing...... ASK HIM OUT! OH MY! I hope I can actually go through with it since I am a total chicken! this can't happen until January though, because I can't ask him out while I am still in his class.
Why him? well he's intelligent, he sort of flirted with me, he is handsome enough that I can see myself hanging out with him and he has a great sense of humor and he believes in me! I will try to describe him. The other day my classmate who had a meeting with him (the professor) and told me about it, when she started telling me that she had met with the professor, my respond to her was...YOU SAW MY MAN??? what did he say??? did he ask about me??? and she looked at me surprised and laughing she was like..... You like our professor???? REALLY? and proceeded with, he isn't my type. And then she thought about it a while and was like... Yeah I guess he's cute! YOU SEE JOURNAL! my taste in men IS CRAZY! my professor is short and bald, but he has these nice lips and you know me and lips! and he is just I don't know.... there is something about him! he has tattoos and just looks like your average cool guy. When I saw him the very first time I kept wondering if the man standing at the front of the classroom was a janitor or the professor?? he's probably in his mid 30's and just seems really cool and he's quite funny. So...Intelligent... check... nice lips... check... funny... check! MY KIND OF MAN!
So that is my plan journal! I better not let him down! I just hope he never finds out I write a blog because the last time I told someone I wrote about him without him knowing I had written about him, he wasn't too happy about it or me anymore and that was pretty much the end of that story. After that I kind of felt like he let me down easy because he didn't want to lead me on and then he actually was very up front with me and told me where I stand, which I really appreciated. I did gain an awesome friend out of it though, so the end result wasn't too bad. With my professor however, I don't want a him as my friend or my professor. I want romance! OH MY GOD! IMAGINE???? so, NOTE TO SELF...KEEP MY JOURNAL to myself!
I feel so much better now that this is all out of my head. My lovely journal! what would I do without you! Maybe tomorrow I will wake up feeling better and realize that I don't have what it takes to date and that I am way to scared to love again or that maybe this professor thing isn't a good idea, or that maybe I should pack my bags and move to Rio, but this is what I am feeling today, this is what I have been feeling lately.... all this Benjamin moving on thing has been on my mind lately because I have this crazy thought that he is getting married! for no reason at all other than the fact that I think it's a good time for him to do so! as if I am the adequate individual to dictate what he should be doing. He should of been MY HUSBAND!!! but I have to really really really really really! try to FORGET HIM ONCE AND FOR ALL!
ps. Journal...... I sent Benjamin an email the other day and of course he didn't answer me.... how much more of a looser can I possibly be??? he's such an asshole!
Lisa Lisa and the cult jam - All cried out......
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