A moment in Times Square....with BK...

Dear Journal:

A few months back, like maybe at the end of September or so, I had made up with my friend of three years (BK) and he and I were happy friends for about a month. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2013/09/cause-youre-good-girl-and-you-know-it.html It was really great at first because it felt like he and I had never stopped talking, and also like things between us had not changed, I thought he had matured and that he and I could hang out and be cool with one another, but unfortunately he claimed that I was desperate to sleep with him (not true) and that he could no longer be my friend according to him, because of that reason.  

Journal, when he told me this, I CURSED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! YES! I know cursing whether it be mentally cursing someone out or actually doing so is not very nice! I KNOW that! I still have anger issues that I need to work on, but journal, to my defense I was livid! to think that "my friend" would say such a thing! like ok yes I did mention to him that I would have sex with him again because I still found him attractive, and yes there were some residual feelings that I had from the past that resurfaced the first time we hung out.  For example, the day he and I went to the movies and he told me how he and his ex girlfriend had went away on vacation I will not deny that I was jealous, I even told him how I felt, and I felt that way because three years ago when he and I had some sort of something, we talked about how cool it would be to go away together.  But being jealous for a moment about something ridiculous, did not mean that I was in love with him or that I wanted to be with him or that I had any new or existing feelings for him.

I don't know how else to explain that in my life, feelings are a moment to moment thing, I CANNOT and WILL NOT be in love with someone who is not giving me any reason to be in love with them, like honestly why would I be in love with someone who isn't giving me love! I'm not THAT desperate.  So, when he said this to me about me wanting to sleep with him and him not feeling comfortable I guess about it, I WAS LIVID! and I cursed him out and then he responded that he was glad I was showing him my true colors.  UM..... he got cursed out three years ago, so what "true colors" exactly he was referring to I am not quite sure.  I mean honestly, I was actually quite nicer this time when I cursed him out than last.  And then of course I had to let him know that if there is one person I think about on a daily basis at least once a day, it's AJ, so he need not be worried about me "wanting him so bad" how ridiculous can one person be! jeez! 

I know that I didn't feel romantically attached to him when he and I went to the beach and watched the sunset, and it didn't feel romantic, I didn't want to kiss him or hold him tight or any of that, it was just really nice being there with someone I know loves me as a person and knows me for who I really am, even though according to him I was trying to "sleep with him" which is totally untrue! the night we watched the sunset at the beach he was drunk and I could of used that as an excuse to try to kiss him or something and I had no intention at throwing myself at someone, I don't ever want to ruin a friendship over some bullshit like sex, I can get sex from someone else, why would I ruin something genuine, like friendship love, only for sex, especially if he didn't pursue what I mentioned, it wasn't that serious and it was just a comment that didn't matter as much as he might of thought it did.   The problem is that people sometimes don't understand that to me sex is just a thing, it's not the thing, it isn't what makes something special, I am not a young woman that can't differentiate one thing from another.  (People need to understand that when they say no to me, no to me means no! I don't have hope, I told you journal that I learned from my mistakes and that I take people's words for face value, if you tell me no, no means no! end of story.

Anyway, we obviously stopped talking again after I cursed him the fuck out, but I obviously think of him often and sort of miss at least knowing how he is doing.  I had written him this really cool poem (while we were still talking) that I sent him and he told me he liked, but then when I went to look for it to put it on here I could not find it, this made me really sad because I write my poems based on impulse and feeling.  I can't recover the poem, but I do remember some of it (sort of), so without further a due, below is an attempt at remembering the poem I wrote for BK.  I wrote it one night when we went to Times Square and had a great time.

A Moment in Times Square
By Jazzy.

In the middle of Times Square we both stood and stared, all the lights and people surrounding us there yet in that moment it felt like the sea of souls were not even there, it was a moment of you and me a moment of happy to be, friends forever we will be.  

We spoke of our passions and what we would be, we decided that day that together forever we'd be, true friendship is what we both felt, and there on that night we would prevail.

In the middle of times square a moment we shared, in the midst of the lights a moment of time, and people would pass and people would stare, and everyone knew that to us they weren't there, it was us two in the midst of that zoo, the zoo called New York that everyone knew.  

And time seemed to stop but the moment didn't last, but together forever, and ever we'll be, because what we share is a friendship so deep, that time will come and time will go, but in our hearts we will always know, that I trust you and you trust me and forever and ever our friendship will be, a unique special bond that no one will ever get and no matter what happens we will never forget, that special moment that day in Times Square that love that forever in friendship we'll share.

The end.

Dear Journal - DATE NIGHT! - Jazzy goes on a date...

"you should never give yourself a chance to fall apart because, when you do, it becomes a tendency and it happens over and over again. You must practice staying strong, instead." - Elizabeth Gilbert 

Dear Journal:

It pleases me to inform you that I am writing you on real time, meaning that I am writing to you about the events of last evening, because I had a dream about it and woke up feeling really happy/weird.  Ok so let me get to it.  A few months ago I was on one of the dating sites that I stay on and I don't know if I sent a message or he sent a message but I briefly spoke to this man who was really cute.  About 6 feet tall, slim, shadow beard, blue eyes, full lips! OH MY! so I spoke to him but I don't ever take anyone serious nor do I honestly care whether I ever meet anyone or not because I am just honestly too busy to worry about men right now.  Still, I stay on these sites to stay "social."  

OK, so months go by I don't remember why but I never spoke to him again, life went on I completely forgot about him, and then the other day I was going through a bit of an emotional turmoil and I decided that I needed to go out on a date! go out there, meet some guy, kiss, hug, who knows maybe even have sex!!! OH MY GOD! so I was going through pictures on one of the dating sites and I see this guy and I send him a message.... the message read... cute! ;) and that was all I wrote, it was an impulsive message, meaning that I saw the pic thought he was handsome and sent the message.  I forgot all about it and later that day I get a message from him, and I was like holly shit! I forgot about this.  So he sends me this message and tells me how he remembers me and how we had spoken before and I'm reading it going.... WE DID? so I'm looking over his pictures again and I'm like holy molly we did!! and so I write back and on his response he's like, hey would you like to get together this weekend? at first I was like... UGH! do I really want to be bothered with people right now? but then I thought, why not, I haven't been out on a date in such a long time, so I told him I would love to, and we made plans for last night (Sat. Nov. 23).

DATING PRESSURE!

So I have been watching what I eat because my doctor told me to watch my cholesterol levels, so I haven't had pizza in a while and I LOVE PIZZA! so yesterday after I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned (I need to take care of my pearly whites!) I went to get some pizza with my daughter and the pizza did not agree with my stomach so I was in severe pain after (the runs! I KNOW! too much info.!) but I was so sick and I felt like throwing up so I kept thinking that maybe going on a date under those conditions was not such a good idea.  After consulting with my beautiful niece and step mom they told me that I should drink something for my stomach and go out! so, I decided to move forward.  I got home and had a whole argument with my niece and step mom about what I should wear because I don't date and why should I wear heels when I don't usually and why do I have to look good or extra nice, I don't care what this person is going to think and yada yada yada and then decided that if I was going to go meet a man, whether I would end up liking him or not, (I never like anyone) I still wanted to at least try, I mean I am a sweat pants, sneaker, pony tail type of woman so yes, doing my hair and wearing some make-up is extra work in my book.  But every now and then I get in the mood to change i t up, and I will wear some make up or whatever, depends on my mood.  So I decided to wear my red blouse which has a v neck collar and I straightened my hair which is growing so it's about shoulder length right now, so it looked really nice, and then I also put some mascara on to bring out my eyes and I wore some jeans and high heel boots, I think I looked.... cute.

My stomach was also starting to feel better, so I took off to meet my date, I sent him a message to tell him that I was running a little late and he said no worries, let's meet at 8p.m. instead of 7:30 and he gave me the address of the place we were meeting and I went on my merry way with my boots that sort of hurt, but looking cute non the less to impress someone that I probably wasn't going to care if I saw ever again! (so I thought!) I get to the place and he isn't there and it is freezing outside so I send him a message and tell him that I am there, but that I will be waiting for him at the book store across the street because it's really cold out.  This is the second message I send him and he isn't responding, and all of a sudden I get this feeling like.... OMG! what if he saw me from far and left! (insert sad face!) and I'm now in the book store and I'm thinking, this is so wrong! I can't believe this is happening to me, why isn't he responding?????? so I go to the kids books section and I'm like, fuck it! if he doesn't show I will buy my daughter a book and go home, so I am standing at the kids section and I look up towards the entrance to the store and I see this tall slender guy looking around and our eyes meet and.... HUGE SMILES FROM BOTH OF US! IT WAS AWESOME! we recognized each other right away, because of our pictures and we began to walked up to each other, not knowing if we were supposed to hug or hand shake or what, so I shook his hand and introduced myself as If we were on a business meeting and we walked out, I thought at first that he didn't find me attractive, so I was like, well, whatever! I will hang out with him go home and nothing is lost!

So we walk back towards the place we were initially going to go, but then it is really crowded so he is like, well... do you want to grab a beer instead? and in my mind I'm like OH NO! THE RUNS! (insert sad face) we were initially going to go get coffee and dessert (although I was going to get tea and no dessert due to my situation...runs!) So after he asks me if I want a beer, I'm like... well... I am driving so I can't drink! (I really wanted to be like... um... I have the runs and I can't really drink because then I will end up in the toilet!) but I wasn't going to tell him that DUH! so he was like oh yeah I understand and I was like, but I can get a seltzer water! THANK GOD FOR SELTZER! so we get to the place and he got me some seltzer water and we sat down and we talked and talked and talked!!! (IT WAS AWESOME!) he is sooooooo damn cool! we talked about history, math, astronomy, culture, music, (he plays the guitar! YAY) food (he cooks! YAY!) we talked about his family, my family and then he got closer to me and we shared a delicious kiss!!!! WOOO HOOO!!!! OMG!!!! THOSE LIPS!!! :D 

After we kissed I told him that I didn't think he liked me and he told me that he thought I was absolutely the cutest most adorable thing ever! he kept telling me that he loved my big brown eyes and how he thought my hair looked so pretty! I was completely putty in his hands! I know that all that stuff seems so cheesy, but I could tell he was being genuine, like he wasn't saying that to get me into bed (or maybe he was but I don't care! he has some real good game dammit!) And he was really respecful even up to the point of the kiss, like a real gentlemen, I think he was just being sweet.  Of course I couldn't stop telling him how cute I thought he was either! because he is just TOO DAMN CUTE! AND... he is only 5 years younger than I am so it's awesome! I'm finally attracting men closer to my age which makes me soooooooooooooo happy! 

After like another hour or so of talking and making out in front of everyone total public display of affection (loved it!) he walked me to my car and when we got to my car I wanted so bad to hug him and so he pulled me close to him (it was freezing out!) and he wrapped his hands around my waist and I wrapped my hands around his neck (so awesome!) and then we stood there in the freezing cold making out like two crazy teenagers in love! IT WAS AWESOME!!!! OMG! I forget sometimes that I am still ALIVE DAMMIT! that I still miss those things, that I can still like people, that people have to be let go off, that if only I give others a chance I might be blown away, that I HAVE TO LET PEOPLE GO! and that if only I make an effort I can do this! I CAN DO THIS! I can be intimate and I can like someone and I can feel appreciated.  

The last thing he said to me before I left which is probably one of the nicest things any man has ever said to me was.  He said "OMG! I can see myself introducing you to all of my friends and waking up next to you, you are so naturally beautiful! I bet even with morning breath you are still a sight!" and when he told me that I felt so flattered and at the same time I felt a little sick to my stomach at the thought of waking up next to a man, what has happened to me? how can I make this happen and be ok? I have to do it a few times until I get it right, and even if this guy ends up being not as great as he appears at first sight, I HAVE to give myself a chance, I have to get out there and wake up next to a few people until I find someone that I want to wake up next to for the next few years or whatever.  I need to open up to the possibility of love, true love.  About an hour after I left he sent me a message and told me he would love to see me again, so I am seeing him again next weekend! (I KNOW!) I can 't wait!

So journal, I am sharing this story because this is me trying, trying to be a normal woman, a woman that let's go of people that tell her that they don't feel for her, what she might feel for them, a woman that let's go of people that push her away from their lives.  I have to learn to LET GO and keep it moving the way I said I would years ago.  I deserve a chance to be loved and be in a normal relationship with someone awesome, someone who can play the guitar! and if it isn't this person, then someone else, but at least I am going to now TRY... without fucking it up!

Wish me luck!

Birthday Poem

Written on November 16, 2013

Birthday Poem
By: Jazzy

To hear your voice makes me weak, to speak to you makes me feel complete.  

I try so hard to keep you far, but in my heart here you are, deep inside like no other, and to me you're number one, the bluest sky my shinning star.  

I love you now for how long who knows? I love you now and so you should know, that on your birthday you're in my thoughts.  Happy this day when you were born, happy this day my love was born, how can I thank the universe? 

Yes yes the day is finally here, the one you celebrate only once a year! Happy happy happy this day! I wish I could give you my warm embrace! And shower you with a thousand kisses and show you why I'm always missing, my lovely friend how I love you so!  Happy Birthday to you may you have a million more...

Dormant Love

My LOVE is dormant, I put it to sleep while you don't love me.  

My love is dormant, I put it to sleep because you still don't know me.  

My love is dormant, I put it to sleep because you don't see it.  

My love is dormant, it's fast asleep in the depths of me.  No one will have it, for it is yours whenever you want it.  

Just come and get it, open it up you will never regret it.  

It has your name on it, gold plated adorned with roses.  

My love is dormant, no one can get it, it is yours only.  

My love is dormant.

Seated Woman by: George Seurat 

Thought I let you know.....

Poem: Thought I let you know
By: Jazzy


I don't know how to let you go, 
so I thought I would let you know, 
that in my heart forever you.  

I had imagined a thousand kisses, and your touch that I never had I'm always missing.  

How sweet would a kiss have been and I wouldn't have known where to begin, to feel you're touch is what I yearned, to smell you're scent and hear you moan.

I think in you're arms is where I belong.  

For you to desire me is what I wanted, to be your everything was all I was asking.   I don't know how to let you go, so I thought I would let you know.

You PUNK!

Dear journal - 11-14-13

It is 9:26 a.m. and I am on the train on my way to work.   I am thinking of you and so I had to take out my phone and begin to tell you.  Journal, there will never be a time when I will deny you of my true feelings, of my deepest thoughts of my wildest dreams.

And on my ride to work I think of them both.  What of them? And I keep telling myself, that which I heard on the audio book the four agreements by: don Miguel Ruiz, I keep thinking of what he says when he says life is too short to miss anything or anyone, and although I agree, I can't help but to feel it, or rather, I don't know how to control it.... How do I master this moment in time, this space, this place, this now?

My heart yearns for both, and although it yearns for one more than the other, it would please me even just to know that they are well.  Am I selfish in wanting them both? In believing that I should have one? And if I had the choice would I regret the choice I make? And if I made a choice would I always wonder? 

What happened journal? When did all this happen? When did I become a person that isn't in Love? This is so foreign.  I remember only always thinking about one and one person only, and now, I think of a few.  There is someone I sort of like, I met him online early this year. Writing about someone to me is very serious business, If I wrote about every single male that I come across in some sort of way, then I would have too much bullshit to write about, I don't mean to sound like I'm so amazingly awesome, but I meet people all the time and yes the majority of them are online, but I meet men in person sometimes.  I met a guy last night on my ride home, he was cute, but I'm not really interested in people romantically at this moment, I am on a different mission right now, I will tell you all about that mission on another occasion.

Anywho, I met this one guy last Feb on Plenty of Fish. and he seemed really cool.  I will make this story short.  When the time came for me to meet him in person, I was sort of hesitant because I didn't really think he was interested in me enough, so I decided to meet someone else instead (who is also awesome) anyway, I didn't get to meet him and sort of  forgot about it and one day I thought about him for some random reason and I sent him a message, he responded and told me how he was now in love... WHAT!??? So.... I congratulated him partly jealous and then he told me he was going to be in my town and so I asked to meet him, WELL! not only did I meet him, he and I hit it off REALLY well! I even met his girlfriend! (Insert a hater smiley here!) ok, so she's cute and all, but I know that had I met him when I originally had the opportunity, he might be loving me! I was annoyed at myself but it's cool, we are friends and I'm cool with that....

Anyway, he is in a long distance relationship and those are HARD! And it's not a long distance state to state situation, it's long distance other continent situation, so who knows, life happens! I'm not sitting around waiting for miracles though, and I definitively want him to be happy, so I would never ever ever express to him my interest in him, but I just think this is a lesson to me that when you fucking snooze, you fucking LOOSE! UGH! That was supposed to be mine dammit! Ha!

So yea, I think of random people on a daily basis, but there are two that just kind of linger, and I just remind myself every time I get sad about it, that they weren't really my friends and that life is to short to miss anything or anyone!

Life is good!

NOTE: as of today, I already spoke to one of the two people I think of often, as a side note, he is the one I care for most, so much so, that if I could, I would be with him! he is really tall and thin and amazing! I miss him everyday.

I leave you now with my youngest sons' and my favorite song...(I don't really ever have a favorite! I love all music!)

Daft Punk - Instant Crush

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r83_iyO4rhI

SILENT MOMENTS

Dear Journal:

While my romantic life has been completely non existing in the last several months, I still manage to find inspiration some way some how to write a poem or two when I get a chance.  While I am not really good at writing made up short stories and my imagination isn't one to want to go and explore different made up fantasies to amuse people, I think that my passion for writing is best described as a passion of sharing what is deep in me and expressing myself in words.  So, no I don't have someone in my life currently that makes me want to sit and write countless poems, but I do have several people that have touched me in such a way, that a brief encounter with them that might have been completely insignificant to him, brought me to tears and the next thing I knew, the words were spilling out of me and onto my journal with no problem, no thought almost and no expectation.

This poem was inspired by someone who was in my life (sort of) a few years ago.  I wrote about him in the past, I had secret conversations with him http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/06/secret-conversations.html I had a brief encounter with him a few weeks ago and I wrote this poem.  I haven't been able to post it because I have been so busy! but.... busy doesn't stop me from doing something that I love...... writing to you journal!

Silent Moments
By: Jazzy

I didn’t imagine moments, I didn’t make up time, I didn’t see things that weren’t there, because those moments were really ours.  

For days and nights I missed you, for days and nights it hurt, for days and nights I wished you, but then the hurt took hold.  And then I deleted you and then I felt like I defeated you, and sometimes I would wonder what if you could have been mine.

Nights went nights came, mornings went, mornings came, afternoons came and afternoons went and in my heart you still remained, away tucked so deep in the hurt, away tuck so deep in the pain, away tucked so deep in the anger, away tucked so deep in the brain.  

And then one day you looked up at me and in that moment I did believe, that I didn’t imagine moments and I didn’t make up time, I didn’t see things that weren’t there because those moments were really ours.  

And I hated you I really didn’t, and I hated you I really couldn’t, I kept you buried deep deep inside, because you were just to hard to find.  

But ever so often our eyes would meet and in those moments I still believed, that in our minds we both always knew, that we didn’t imagine moments, we didn’t make up time, we didn’t see things that weren’t there, because those moments really were ours. 

THANK YOU DISILLUSIONMENT!

Dearest Journal-

I have been doing well! On Friday night I went to a gay bar for the first time in many many years and while I was there, I remembered why it was that I loved going to them so much in the past and I had such an amazing time that I shall frequent them more often!

Why do you ask I had a blast? Well... For one, I was able to just dance without worrying about some guy trying to buy me a drink regardless of me not paying him any mind.  I was able to dress whichever way I felt comfortable, which was in my Fallen Angel costume (which was awesome!) and not feel uncomfortable or that anyone was going to think that I was wearing it to try to get picked up because I KNEW I wouldn't be getting picked up! And thirdly, there was enough eye candy in that place to fulfill my sweetest of all fantasies! OH! and did I mention that I was hanging out with one of my favorite fiends in the whole wide world??? It was just an awesome night!

I must admit however that towards the end of the night once the few drinks I had were starting to hit me, I did realize that I was in a sea of men that would NEVER want me! at this point I was very aware that the liquor was doing all the talking in my head, but I also realized that I want to like someone, because I haven't liked someone in a really really long time! It's almost as though I am numb to the male race, as if they almost don't exist in my world anymore, I'm just sort of over men.

While I was at the bar though, there was this beautiful young woman checking me out, I noticed that she kept looking at me and talking to her friend and turning around and looking at me again and again and I was really trying to avoid looking back at her but she was beautiful! I kept thinking to myself... WOW! That hot girl thinks I'm hot! That's awesome! And when I told my friend about it he told me that I should give women a try, I explained to him that although years ago I did kiss a girl, I was positively sure that I wasn't attracted to them and that at my age (42) I wasn't about to start "experimenting."

I think that one of the best things about being in my 40's is, that I'm pretty sure about the things I like and the things I don't.  The things I will tolerate and the things I won't, the things I can be without and the things I absolutely can't! That right there is pretty amazing! You know, to sort of know your "wants" and "needs" YES journal it took me 40 damn years to know all these things! But hey! Don't judge, at least I'm living and learning and THAT is always an awesome way to go about life.  I think it's vital in ones life to learn from our mistakes because without them, there is no personal growth and personal growth is an absolute must!

So yeah, life is pretty decent journal, I feel content in my life right now, and no I'm not saying that I don't go through difficult days or that I don't feel down sometimes, but I must say that all in all, I'm pretty outstanding!

THANK YOU UNIVERSE!

I leave you with one of my all time fav. songs....
Thank you
By: Alanis Morissette
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgpT5rEKIU

 

This too shall pass, it will not last!

Dear Journal -

Hi... I am really tired that is all I really have to report these days! I really am! but life is going and days are passing and goals seem more attainable than ever and if feels great! I have been thinking about AJ so much lately, actually I don't remember a day in the last two years that I haven't thought of him at the very least once a day.  I am not sure why out of so many that cross my path, he sort of lingers in my thoughts.  I haven't spoken to him now in a few weeks, I'm trying really hard to let people go, especially people that don't make an effort to be my friends the way I make an effort to be theirs.  I have learned in these past few years some very valuable truths about friendships, one truth is that a true friend talks to you instead of getting upset with you for no reason.  A friend tells you if they miss you a friend gets excited to hang out a friend knows how to separate romance from friendship or rather, they don't see you as anything other than a friend and therefore it is easy for them to be just that.

Many and I am talking about males, have claimed to be my "friends" only a handful I truly believe are.  Yes AJ was one of them for a while and then he was something more and now he is just nothing.  Yes, it hurts, yes I miss him, yes I don't know how to act about it and yes I wish things weren't this way.  But, I have to accept that friendship means something different to everyone, so that's just life and I have to move on and know that this too shall pass.

So.... I will leave you with a poem inspired by him.  I wrote it on the train ride home the other night while I was thinking of him, as I wrote it, tears also rolled down my cheeks.  I thank him for being the source of my inspiration still.  I hope one day soon I can show him this post.

Enjoy my poem, it's called.....

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

This too shall pass, for it will at last.  And I won't remember his face nor will I remember his embrace, and there will be no memory of kisses, and there won't be feelings of missing, and it will feel like we never met and the site where it happened I will surely erase, and the pics I kept they will all be deleted and the words we spoke will never be repeated.  I will not remember his singing voice no I will not recall his high notes. I will not recall his laughter, I will soon erase his chapter, of the part when he was in my life, when we talked we laughed we agreed we tried.  To be friends just friends we said, but to be with me he would need to know me more he claimed.  But he knew me like no other, and I wanted him more than others. But this too shall pass, this will not forever last, and I will forget his singing voice, and I wont recall his highest tone. And I won't even remember his laughter and there won't be a memory there after.... Yes this too shall pass.

FU@K YOUUUUUUUU!!!!

CAUTION!!!! THERE IS A LOT OF PROFANITY ON THIS POST @$%**())&^%%$

please note: I wrote this a few days ago when I was feeling EXTREMELY emotional and overwhelmed, however, as of today when this post is actually being published, I am feeling quite dandy! a little stressed due to school work, but emotionally stable! that is ALWAYS a good thing to be! 

Dearest Journal -

I remember once when I had this dream that there were prying eyes that looked down on me from the sky, big red shot eyes the color of blood with a dark oval outline that made them look really scary, I felt the heavy stare on me.  I think I relate them to the eyes that appear in my all time favorite movie, Bran Stokers Dracula.

Yes, maybe it wasn't a dream journal, maybe it was a memory.  I will tell you what else I wish would be a memory, I wish that giving him a thousand kisses would be a memory, yet I could not recall a memory that wasn't recorded because it never happened, and yet I see a picture of him and his love of two years, and I still wonder what the fuck was wrong with me? What about me made him not want me? I'm going to be very mean with my words right now journal so please forgive me, but I think I have the right to be mean and pissed at times! I mean really journal? What the fuck does she have that made him pick her? Like all those years that I was in love with him i had all these theories of why maybe he didn't want to be with me, I kept thinking that maybe he wanted someone younger that he could start a family with, and then I see this picture of him with a blonde that looks older than me! What the fuck is that??? No wonder they got a dog together! She's not what he always wanted! And yes maybe she is a great person a sweet person a good woman, but why journal why didn't he pick me??? I was all the things he ever said he always wanted! Like he literally would describe me in subtle ways, I like brunettes and I love short hair and the way he looked at me! Those few times when I caught him staring! So why the fuck does that woman have the man that I loved for so long??? What is it about me that he couldn't tell me? And yet I have no idea why after all these years I'm asking these questions that will forever go unanswered, and then I don't want to hear from anyone that he had a choice and that he made it... I FUCKING KNOW that! And I'm not happy with his choice! Because his choice should have been ME! mother fucker!!!! ME ME ME!!! and so I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, yet I'm writing about it because seeing that picture made everything so FUCKING real! and in my FUCKING FACE! And the worst part is that maybe I'm just jealous because I don't have anyone to take that sort of picture with, maybe I'm just jealous that he is in love with someone and I AM NOT! and that I still feel some certain way about him and it fucking pisses me THE FUCK off!

Why journal why is it still any of my concern and why is it that I saw this picture Saturday night and Monday evening I'm still wondering all these fucking things! But I asked him, I begged him so many times! "Pick me! Marry me! Let me make you happy!" (Quote from my best friends wedding) And instead he went and picked Ms. BLAH! Ok so maybe to some people she is beautiful who the fuck knows! But he likes brunettes!!! So why the fuck is he with a blonde???? I'm sorry! I am so angry at myself for feeling this way! And if this journal is anything to be proud of, I'm proud that on here I can be me!  I can express exactly how I feel! And if there is some doubt as to whom I'm talking about, I'm talking about Benjamin!
The one Asshole who I loved for too long for no reason at all! The one person I want to see again just to see, the ONLY person that I can't completely just let go of and the one person that makes me want to go and find someone to be in love with just so that finally he can be a distant memory!

I'm so over myself and the fact that seeing that picture made me feel this way!!!! UGH!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I want so badly to scream! I mean he is 8 years younger than I so if I would of seen a pic of him and some really young woman, then I might not be feeling this competitive feeling I have right now! but when the woman in the pic looks even older than me, that sincerely pisses me the FUCK off! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT??? That's all I could say! I was so angry at I don't know what! I was in shock! Ok so maybe she's a good person and I'm sure she loves him, BUT I am nice too! And I would of made him happy also! Fuck you Benjamin!

Leo Dan - Ay amor divino pronto tienes que volver a mi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoo99LhmW9k

Cause you're a good girl and you know it.....

Dear Journal -

I can tell you this, I had a few Corona beers and I held back from sending a text message or calling someone because I will not give my love and affection to anyone who doesn't want it...

Instead, I was at Coney Island beach with BK, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/10/dear-journal-10-30-12.html just hanging out talking about life and having a great time.  When I got home, my cousin and his friend said I was glowing, and I was, because I love spending time with my good friends that truly know me and the fact that I was around him and didn't want to kiss him, was really awesome, because now I know that he is my friend, my real friend that I can be around not feeling any sort of way, yet we can talk about anything and everything and we can understand each other in a way that is very truly special.

I dropped him off, gave him a kiss (on the cheek) and drove home thinking about him, that stupid idiot who doesn't speak to me anymore.  I see these patterns in my life that are quite obvious, these men that come into my life, they don't know what the hell they are doing, they don't know if they are coming or going and then they are gone and leave me confused, yet at the end of the day, I always end up back with these other younger men that I have these crazy strong connections with that it's so unbelievably incredible, like I had the best night ever with my BK and it was so awesome just to sit with him at the beach watching the sunset and having some beers and just chilling, talking and enjoying each others company and not even worrying about do I have to kiss him or not, because that has been established, we are friends, real friends, the type of friends that will always be in each others lives, and even when he told me tomorrow he would be going to spend time with his ex girlfriend, It didn't matter to me, because all these women will probably come and go, but me, I am here, always, with my friend.  

Yet, there I was, on my way home thinking about the stupid idiot that I wish I would of cursed out, but instead I gave him my genuine love and affection, and I bet he would of never sat with me at the beach on a fall evening, because why would he do that? or would he? and why am I writing about someone who specifically asked me not to do so anymore? UGH! I hate him so much!

Ok... that's the beer talking, it's a new day it's midnight and I have to work tomorrow.... GN!

I leave you with....My new Drake favorite song, which reminds me of me, when I told BK that the song reminded me of me, he said that was a "girl thing" I don't know if it's a "girl thing" but songs sometimes remind me of me.... or... it reminds me of what someone out there sees me as.. which btw...BK told me that he knows I'm a good girl and that made me feel really special, because he truly knows me! thank you my friend!

Drake - Hold on we're going home

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukCyt47eIkA