Below is a letter that I wrote to someone a few months back. If you chose to read my blog today then first and foremost thank you! I hope that whatever you read on here helps you to better understand that we are all so alike it’s really scary at times. Yes, Dr. John Gray says that men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, and I completely agree, especially after reading his books! (God I LOVE THAT MAN!) but in essence, we humans are all alike in that we all want the same fundamental things. We all want to love and be loved and we all want to be happy.
I am 40 years old and I have to admit that I wasn’t completely happy until about a year ago or so. I began a few years ago to really get into Philosophy and Psychology in a way I had never truly done before. I began to read and study different Philosophical theories to help me understand myself and others better. I feel that I have been intuitive all of my life, but I was always afraid to explore my intuition and still sort of am. The reason why I am afraid of it sometimes is because I become to aware, this is really difficult to explain. But basically when I say too aware, I mean I see things clearly as they are and I can't make excuses or give myself reasons why I should stay in certain situations. Basically, I just know what I have to do and sometimes we just want to be blind and pretend that we don't know.
We are all born with intuition, but some learn how to explore it better then others and some just ignore it because they are afraid to know the truth. But deep down, we all know the truth. What I mean by this is that we all know intuitively, if what we are doing is good, bad or evil. We all know deep inside, who we love, want, need.
My daughter is three years old and observing her who does not have any experience of the world, allows me to observe how our (basic self) which is a term that they used in my Philosophy class, they use this word to describe who we truly are in essence or to describe our soul. We know when we do something that is not right or wrong. We are not our minds or our bodies, there is something (basic) within us that knows all, that is our (basic self) our soul.
I don't need a bible or a religion to teach me how to be a good human being. I can, we all can, be good human beings. We choose religions or theories or philosophies, to help guide us in everyday struggles, but ultimately, we ourselves could deal with our struggles if we looked within ourselves to do so. If we allowed our basic self to guide us to make the right choices.
I know we all have a basic self, because I can see it even in my daughter who is only three. When my daughter does something wrong she gives me a look that let's me know that she is aware that what she did was wrong, I don't need to say a word. Of course, that is when I have to discipline her so that she can learn that when she feels that intuition that she is doing something wrong, she needs to stop.
I also observe in her other basic self behaviors. I see when she experiences jealousy, anger, fear and love all of which I have not taught her. I don't teach her to be jealous or get angry or sad or happy or to love me or her brothers and dad, that is all within her. That is her basic self.
Ok, now back to what I was initially writing about. I always seem to go on tangents when I try to write a short post, because my goal is to sort of let the reader understand what I'm trying to say. Clearly I need to continue to practice my writing, which is why I have this blog and you as my guinea pig YAY! and thank you! You are probably so confused right now.
I'm sorry, but in order to make sense of why I'm writing this post, I needed to sort of explain that my goal here is not to tell you some sob story, but to show how we are all so alike and how if you ever went through or know someone who went through any of the things I write, then maybe you will learn something or it may help you realize something or you may just come to the conclusion that you are crazy, but it's ok, because I am crazy too!
Happiness like all the other aforementioned feelings I described before going yet on another tangent, I have also observed in my daughter, happiness is within each and everyone of us as well. As we get older, we start to accumulate all sorts of as my Philosophy teacher would say "dust" and we begin to sort of look for happiness outside of ourselves and as we get older and go through more painful experiences, we just keep accumulating more and more "dust". Unfortunately for us however, happiness is not what someone can do for us, happiness is what we can do for ourselves. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.
I feel very happy. No, I don’t mean that I go around with a huge smile always feeling completely happy every second of every day. What I mean is that when I look at my life as a whole, I am content and feel happy. I may not be happy about certain specific situations, and I might not be content with every single aspect of my current life, but in my heart, I feel happy. All in all, I a am a pretty happy camper.
We are all born with intuition, but some learn how to explore it better then others and some just ignore it because they are afraid to know the truth. But deep down, we all know the truth. What I mean by this is that we all know intuitively, if what we are doing is good, bad or evil. We all know deep inside, who we love, want, need.
My daughter is three years old and observing her who does not have any experience of the world, allows me to observe how our (basic self) which is a term that they used in my Philosophy class, they use this word to describe who we truly are in essence or to describe our soul. We know when we do something that is not right or wrong. We are not our minds or our bodies, there is something (basic) within us that knows all, that is our (basic self) our soul.
I don't need a bible or a religion to teach me how to be a good human being. I can, we all can, be good human beings. We choose religions or theories or philosophies, to help guide us in everyday struggles, but ultimately, we ourselves could deal with our struggles if we looked within ourselves to do so. If we allowed our basic self to guide us to make the right choices.
I know we all have a basic self, because I can see it even in my daughter who is only three. When my daughter does something wrong she gives me a look that let's me know that she is aware that what she did was wrong, I don't need to say a word. Of course, that is when I have to discipline her so that she can learn that when she feels that intuition that she is doing something wrong, she needs to stop.
I also observe in her other basic self behaviors. I see when she experiences jealousy, anger, fear and love all of which I have not taught her. I don't teach her to be jealous or get angry or sad or happy or to love me or her brothers and dad, that is all within her. That is her basic self.
Ok, now back to what I was initially writing about. I always seem to go on tangents when I try to write a short post, because my goal is to sort of let the reader understand what I'm trying to say. Clearly I need to continue to practice my writing, which is why I have this blog and you as my guinea pig YAY! and thank you! You are probably so confused right now.
I'm sorry, but in order to make sense of why I'm writing this post, I needed to sort of explain that my goal here is not to tell you some sob story, but to show how we are all so alike and how if you ever went through or know someone who went through any of the things I write, then maybe you will learn something or it may help you realize something or you may just come to the conclusion that you are crazy, but it's ok, because I am crazy too!
Happiness like all the other aforementioned feelings I described before going yet on another tangent, I have also observed in my daughter, happiness is within each and everyone of us as well. As we get older, we start to accumulate all sorts of as my Philosophy teacher would say "dust" and we begin to sort of look for happiness outside of ourselves and as we get older and go through more painful experiences, we just keep accumulating more and more "dust". Unfortunately for us however, happiness is not what someone can do for us, happiness is what we can do for ourselves. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.
I feel very happy. No, I don’t mean that I go around with a huge smile always feeling completely happy every second of every day. What I mean is that when I look at my life as a whole, I am content and feel happy. I may not be happy about certain specific situations, and I might not be content with every single aspect of my current life, but in my heart, I feel happy. All in all, I a am a pretty happy camper.
With that said, 20 years ago when I was madly in love with my oldest son’s dad, I thought that without him I would die and never feel happy! I went as far as trying to trap him by having his child, which clearly didn’t help me in my “trapping” him scheme, because even after having his child, we still broke up. And what do you know, I am alive and very well, thankfully.
But I guess I learned as they say “the hard way” that being in love and in a relationship is not really what happiness is all about. Yes, being in a loving rewarding relationship is important and we all deserve it. And we all should definitely have that. But, that is not everything in life.
One day, 20 years ago while in this crazy in love stage of my life, my ex and I broke up for a few months/weeks whatever it was that we would break up for, and during one of those break ups, I decided to go to his apartment and beg him to take me back because without him I would “die” and not be able to survive in this cruel world! Wow! writing that gives me chills! LOVE IS SO POWERFUL AT TIMES!
I get to his apartment and he isn’t there, but his friend is on the phone with him and I ask his friend to please give me the phone because I need to please talk to him. His friend is hesitating to hand the phone to me, so I grab it off his friends hand and I say to my boyfriend who's on the other end of the line and is not really my boyfriend because we are broken up... where the fuck are you???
Obviously, he is like, why are you asking me where I am and what are you doing in my apartment? and as I am talking to him, I begin to notice in the background a woman's voice, so I ask, "who the fuck is that?" I remember it so well writing this entry, that when I heard a woman in the background, my heart dropped and I felt weak. I felt a sense of fear and like I couldn't almost stand. Then, I continued to notice how this woman is in the background laughing and carrying on and the next thing I hear, is a struggle and her getting on the phone and as she is laughing she says to me..."DON’T WORRY SWEETY! when I’m DONE with him I’ll send him back to you!
Back then, I always thought I was this tough girl. In my late teens and early 20's, I ran around NYC thinking I was a gangster who didn't fear a thing. I would fight, I would hang out with all sorts of "tough people" I pretty much didn't give a shit, but in that moment I was this weak young woman in love and I remember being speechless. I dropped the phone and just started crying until I could not cry anymore! It was horrible.
That night I stayed in his apartment and cried myself to sleep. I imagined all sorts of things this woman was doing with the man I loved, It was probably one of the most heartbreaking days of my young adult life. Later, when my ex and I got back together and I forgave him because I "couldn't live without him" I found out that the woman was about 15 years older then he and I. Finding that out made me feel even worse! How could I begin to compete with an older women with sexual experience??? I had no clue! I was only 20. I remember him telling me that yes he liked her very much, but it was just a sex thing and that I was the one he loved. Yet years later after we broke up for good, I asked him about it and he told me that he would see her from time to time while we were still together. How messed up is that?
I get to his apartment and he isn’t there, but his friend is on the phone with him and I ask his friend to please give me the phone because I need to please talk to him. His friend is hesitating to hand the phone to me, so I grab it off his friends hand and I say to my boyfriend who's on the other end of the line and is not really my boyfriend because we are broken up... where the fuck are you???
Obviously, he is like, why are you asking me where I am and what are you doing in my apartment? and as I am talking to him, I begin to notice in the background a woman's voice, so I ask, "who the fuck is that?" I remember it so well writing this entry, that when I heard a woman in the background, my heart dropped and I felt weak. I felt a sense of fear and like I couldn't almost stand. Then, I continued to notice how this woman is in the background laughing and carrying on and the next thing I hear, is a struggle and her getting on the phone and as she is laughing she says to me..."DON’T WORRY SWEETY! when I’m DONE with him I’ll send him back to you!
Back then, I always thought I was this tough girl. In my late teens and early 20's, I ran around NYC thinking I was a gangster who didn't fear a thing. I would fight, I would hang out with all sorts of "tough people" I pretty much didn't give a shit, but in that moment I was this weak young woman in love and I remember being speechless. I dropped the phone and just started crying until I could not cry anymore! It was horrible.
That night I stayed in his apartment and cried myself to sleep. I imagined all sorts of things this woman was doing with the man I loved, It was probably one of the most heartbreaking days of my young adult life. Later, when my ex and I got back together and I forgave him because I "couldn't live without him" I found out that the woman was about 15 years older then he and I. Finding that out made me feel even worse! How could I begin to compete with an older women with sexual experience??? I had no clue! I was only 20. I remember him telling me that yes he liked her very much, but it was just a sex thing and that I was the one he loved. Yet years later after we broke up for good, I asked him about it and he told me that he would see her from time to time while we were still together. How messed up is that?
Well, a few months ago, I became that older woman! I played the role of the older woman who was in the mix of a love triangle. What I mean by this is, that a few months ago, I was seeing someone younger then I am and I think that I became this horrible older woman bitch to someone else. The difference though between the older woman that dated my then boyfriend and I now, is that I was neither using anyone for sex and I was most definitely not mean to the young woman that was in love with the person I was seeing.
I was seeing someone who told me he was single, we liked each other and found common grounds and we began to get to know each other in a way that made what we had really special. Yet one day, I get a phone call from this young woman claiming that the man I was seeing was "her man" and how they loved each other and were so happy and how I needed to get lost. When this young woman called me to inform me that I was with “her man” I felt really bad for her because I saw the younger me in her. She all of a sudden brought me back to that horrible day in the living room of my ex boyfriends apartment where I was the young woman in love. But unlike that woman who told me that she would send him back to me when she was "DONE" with him, I took a different approach to the situation. I was neither rude to her or confrontational. I actually told her that if what she was telling me was indeed true, then she needed to leave him alone, because he wasn't very honest.
I also realized in that moment that maybe I too needed to leave him alone, because clearly there was something going on, if this young woman felt comfortable enough to call me and tell me that I was seeing "her man" then there was definitely something more then what he would later tell me. I later learned that she was lying to me about their relationship. Yet I still saw me or the younger version of Jazzy, in that young woman who had called me and told me lies to break me up with "her man" I couldn't help but feel bad about the whole situation and I became very uncomfortable.
Part of me sometimes felt like calling her and telling her to leave "my man" alone, but I could not bring myself to say to her any sort of horrible thing to hurt her, even more so then what I imagined she was already hurting. Still, the whole situation gave me a bad taste in my mouth and I decided to remove myself from it all together even though my feelings for this person had become strong and I saw potential in us.
Regardless of it all, I am just too old for drama and seriously just don’t like it. I have done all of that already, and I have learned, that if a man truly cares for you and wants you in his life, the first thing he does to make sure that he won't loose you, is clear all the baggage. The same goes for a woman, if she truly wants a man in her life, she clears all her baggage to make sure that the man she is with knows that he is her one. When a man loves a woman, he wants the whole world to know it and vice versa. That is a fact!
One night I had a few drinks in me and I was really really close to calling her, but I decided to write her the letter below instead. I never sent it to her because after I sobered up I felt that it wasn’t my place to save anyone from their heartache. It wasn't my place to say anything at all. She probably hated me. But I saw my younger self in her so much, that I seriously felt really bad. I further realized that she like I, needed these sorts of experiences in order to grow as a woman and individual.
I just hope that she is the type of person to learn from her mistakes, because there are definitely some people that develop a vicious cycle. I was one of those people, but slowly I am trying to get out of the terrible cycle which is thinking that it is ok to be cheated on or to be treated with anything less then respect by a man. Or by a woman, because many men, allow women to step all over them as well and that is also completely unacceptable!
Everything I write on my journal is the truth to the best of my memory. If she so happened to come across my journal and read this, I sincerely hope nothing but the best for her! I have a daughter and I would never want any man to treat her with anything less then respect. I also have boys and I never want to see one of my boys being stepped all over by a women. WE ALL DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT!
*******************************************************
THIS IS THE LETTER I NEVER SENT HER...
Dear girl:
I'm not here to make your life impossibe. I told him to be with you, because I can see how much you love him. He always tells me that you are his friend and that he is not in love with you, he doesn't want to be with you that way. Life is hard, but I will tell you this, it will get better I promise you that. I'm sorry if I caused you heart ache and pain. That was never my intention. I don't know you, but your actions clearly show, that your love for him is so true, that I have to admire your heart. I have been where you are.
One day I know you will find someone who will love and appreciate you for who you are, someone that will be worthy of all that love you are dying to give. Understand that he needs to live certain things in order for him to grow as a man, yet nothing anyone says or does, will help you with the hurt you feel inside. Sometimes people know how much we love them and they take advantage of that love. It isn't right and you are the only one who could identify it in your situation and change it and not allow it.
There is something you need to do and that is to learn to accept yourself and love yourself more. Yes, loving someone is the most rewarding thing in the world, but you should only give that love to someone that gives the same love back and shows you respect, because that is what you truly deserve.
Ps. When I was your age, this woman my age, slept with my then boyfriend and then treated me like shit as if I was the problem in the situation. The only problem I now clearly see, is that there is all this love that makes us do really crazy things... Love will have you acting out of character and you will loose yourself sometimes. Keep your head up, I told him to be with you, even if that meant me loosing him. I did so because I was aware that the love you have for him is way more then what little I can give him. I can't fight battles that are clearly lost. I only tell you these things because I lived through this before, seeing myself in this situation again, made me feel like I was having flashbacks at a moment in my life where I felt helpless and unhappy. I know what you are going through and I can sympathize.
Letting him go is not easy for me either, but I know what I deserve and need. So I will wait patiently until the day that I find someone to love me the way that I deserve.
Good luck young woman.
Sincerely, Jazzy.
Wow.... HV Mr. Florida himself.... I bet he still cheats! :/
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