A few weeks ago, my class mate who I truly enjoy having philosophical conversations with, told me that I needed to write about all of my escapades. He said this to me, because I always have some sort of guy story to tell him about and after I tell him, we both start to laugh really hard, because most of the time my stories are just plain crazy! like.... Dude, this shit only happens to me!
After he said that to me, I told him that I really couldn't write about it, because most of them didn't involve sex and I always thought escapades had to have sexual content. He started laughing and told me that it wasn't necessary, so I told him that maybe I should and that I wrote about some of them, but not necessarily all of them. He continued to laugh and kept saying, I dont understand what you want Jazzy? I can't pin point it and my response to him was, I don't want anything!
Then I looked at him and said, what I wanted I lost it a long time ago and in that moment while I was saying that to him, I broke down in tears! This feeling that I have deep in my soul, is like a looming sadness in the depth of my heart that I cannot shake. It just sort of looms over me like a black cloud. When I broke down crying, my friend looking very confused gave me some tissue and told me that I would be ok. I can't even count how many characters have crossed my path in the last 4 years, it's amazing actually, when I think of all the people I have met and talked to and went out on a date with or had a semi weird sort of relationship with? I don't even know what to call it. But the truth is that although there have been some very unique and quite wonderful people that have touched my life in significant ways, no one can even begin to compare to him (Benjamin Nunez) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html. And there is never anyone even remotely close to anything like he is to me, so, is it wrong for me to compare? Yes, but I do, I can't help it.
However, the other day, I called him (Benjamin) and left him a message and as I was leaving him the message, I said..... Well, in case you are wondering, life is going pretty well, I am doing well in school, I love my job, my kids are doing good, I am pretty happy and then after I said that, I followed with, I guess I would be happier if I could be with the man that I love and as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking about him, no! not him the person I was leaving the message too, but him, the person that I love. I love someone and it isn't the person that I thought it was. I have decided to be in complete denial because it's easier to live my life in denial and this way I can continue to move forward with my plans. I cannot allow my feelings to control me or make me act a certain way because I have been through some rough things when it comes to love and I am sort of over it (love that is).
So, with that said, I think it is better for me to continue to go on these "escapades" because quite honestly, when I think of love and having a relationship and all the relationship drama that happens and then I think about my "escapades" I always think, damn I sure do have fun! yes some days I cry and feel lonely, but I prefer to cry and feel lonely being alone, then to cry while I am laying down next to the person I am in a relationship with, like I did for over a year while I was married. Being next to the person you love and knowing that your relationship is shit, and feeling depressed about it everyday, is the worst feeling in the world. Being at work and constantly holding back your tears because you are so miserable in your relationship and all you do is fight with someone, that is horrible. Carrying a baby and knowing that this one also will be one that you have to take care on your own because you don't feel happy with the person who the baby you are carrying belongs to, that is shitty!
I will keep going on my "escapades" as my friend called them, thank you very much! I prefer to cry once a month while I am going through my cycle, then to be miserable in a bad relationship and stay with that person because it's the right thing to do. NO THANK YOU!
I guess it's true, maybe I am a gypsy like someone one's suggested, I am. But I rather be a gypsy then a miserable wife anytime!
Gypsy - Shakira
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc
After he said that to me, I told him that I really couldn't write about it, because most of them didn't involve sex and I always thought escapades had to have sexual content. He started laughing and told me that it wasn't necessary, so I told him that maybe I should and that I wrote about some of them, but not necessarily all of them. He continued to laugh and kept saying, I dont understand what you want Jazzy? I can't pin point it and my response to him was, I don't want anything!
Then I looked at him and said, what I wanted I lost it a long time ago and in that moment while I was saying that to him, I broke down in tears! This feeling that I have deep in my soul, is like a looming sadness in the depth of my heart that I cannot shake. It just sort of looms over me like a black cloud. When I broke down crying, my friend looking very confused gave me some tissue and told me that I would be ok. I can't even count how many characters have crossed my path in the last 4 years, it's amazing actually, when I think of all the people I have met and talked to and went out on a date with or had a semi weird sort of relationship with? I don't even know what to call it. But the truth is that although there have been some very unique and quite wonderful people that have touched my life in significant ways, no one can even begin to compare to him (Benjamin Nunez) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html. And there is never anyone even remotely close to anything like he is to me, so, is it wrong for me to compare? Yes, but I do, I can't help it.
However, the other day, I called him (Benjamin) and left him a message and as I was leaving him the message, I said..... Well, in case you are wondering, life is going pretty well, I am doing well in school, I love my job, my kids are doing good, I am pretty happy and then after I said that, I followed with, I guess I would be happier if I could be with the man that I love and as the words were coming out of my mouth, I was thinking about him, no! not him the person I was leaving the message too, but him, the person that I love. I love someone and it isn't the person that I thought it was. I have decided to be in complete denial because it's easier to live my life in denial and this way I can continue to move forward with my plans. I cannot allow my feelings to control me or make me act a certain way because I have been through some rough things when it comes to love and I am sort of over it (love that is).
So, with that said, I think it is better for me to continue to go on these "escapades" because quite honestly, when I think of love and having a relationship and all the relationship drama that happens and then I think about my "escapades" I always think, damn I sure do have fun! yes some days I cry and feel lonely, but I prefer to cry and feel lonely being alone, then to cry while I am laying down next to the person I am in a relationship with, like I did for over a year while I was married. Being next to the person you love and knowing that your relationship is shit, and feeling depressed about it everyday, is the worst feeling in the world. Being at work and constantly holding back your tears because you are so miserable in your relationship and all you do is fight with someone, that is horrible. Carrying a baby and knowing that this one also will be one that you have to take care on your own because you don't feel happy with the person who the baby you are carrying belongs to, that is shitty!
I will keep going on my "escapades" as my friend called them, thank you very much! I prefer to cry once a month while I am going through my cycle, then to be miserable in a bad relationship and stay with that person because it's the right thing to do. NO THANK YOU!
I guess it's true, maybe I am a gypsy like someone one's suggested, I am. But I rather be a gypsy then a miserable wife anytime!
Gypsy - Shakira
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc
No comments:
Post a Comment