Dear Journal:
I think I am seriously obsessed and completely crazy! ok, like I already know that I am crazy, but I thought I was getting better at my crazy, yet I think I am not really. Let me explain, I have been seriously obsessing about the fact that I may be in love with someone I have never met in person and I keep watching episodes of that show catfish and trying to investigate who he really might be! AND the worst part is, that I can't find anything bad out, so, that means, that I may indeed be in love with someone real, in which case, that means that I am really in love with someone I have never met in person and now I don't know how I am supposed to act, because well..... this is the first time something this crazy happens to me! HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN???? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
Ok.... (Jazzy takes deep breath) so, how do I know I'm in love??? well, for starters, I cannot stop thinking about him AND the worst part, is that the last time he and I had a phone conversation, I lied to him! I HATE LYING! and when we hung up, I kept thinking to myself, OH MY GOD! why did I lie to him??? who am I? ok, like I only lied because I felt that if I told him the truth about something we were talking about, he would be disappointed in me, I felt that I had lie, although I really didn't have to because he wasn't even asking, except I told him about something I had done and caught myself completely fibbing to him because I didn't want him to think that I had done anything (physically) with this person I was mentioning to him, except why did I even have to tell him anything at all since I am not his girlfriend, in fact, all he and I do is constantly fight! SO! who cares if he knew if I did or didn't do anything with someone else??? you see what I mean???
Here I am, I pride myself in the fact that I try my hardest not to lie, yet I lied to the one person I feel that I love, except what if he is lying to me? what if he isn't who he says he is? what if he is someone else? and then to calm myself down, I started thinking about him in a different way, a way to calm my own anxieties down, a way to make him human to me because the fact that I have never seen him in person is becoming more and more of a dilemma to me in my mind and although part of me wants to just erase the whole thing from my mind, the other part of me can't stop thinking about the possibility of what if? what if this in fact IS real? what if all the conversations we have are genuine? WHAT IF! so, I began to think about the men that have been in my life and began to compare them to him and all of a sudden.... a moment of clarity! I realized that every single guy I have ever been with, ever thought I loved, they have all lied, made up some sort of story at some point, just the way I did just the other day trying to cover something up that I had done, because I felt like I had betrayed him except I never have, we have never been a couple, we are not committed, I AM SINGLE! so why did I feel bad? why did I feel the need to lie to him? and now I feel like I need to come clean and if I do, what is he going to say? and more importantly, do I really need to tell him anything at all? AND, why do we always lie to the people we truly care about? this makes me really sad, like the fact that I can tell a lie to someone I truly love, but to someone I don't care about, I go around telling them the truth, because who cares what they think right? but shouldn't it be the other way around? shouldn't I be telling the person I think I love the truth? or is it that I know he loves me also and felt that if I told him, I would hurt him even though we are not together? why is all of this so complicated yet I have never even seen this person? I want all of this to go away!!!!
So journal, I guess this entry is more me venting and just allowing myself to be disappointed in myself and just wondering why I am so confused lately? like I don't even want to think about anyone, like I really wish I could just not think man thoughts, yet it's like they don't go away, like I need to think about it because sometimes I feel like I need to make a decision, do I really want to be involved with anyone? I mean it just seems like such a complicated thing to do! my life is so damn simple! I go out when I want, date if I want, have sex if I want, stop having sex if I want, talk to men if I want, flirt if I want, dress like shit if I want, dress up if I want, stay in if I want, not give anyone an explanation if I want, blow people off if I want, delete people if I want, hide if I want, not talk if I want, LIFE IS SO SIMPLE! yet no matter how much I try, there is always someone trying to get something from me, they want some piece of me.... LEAVE ME ALONE!
I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Jackson - Leave me alone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glqdih1LsM
I think I am seriously obsessed and completely crazy! ok, like I already know that I am crazy, but I thought I was getting better at my crazy, yet I think I am not really. Let me explain, I have been seriously obsessing about the fact that I may be in love with someone I have never met in person and I keep watching episodes of that show catfish and trying to investigate who he really might be! AND the worst part is, that I can't find anything bad out, so, that means, that I may indeed be in love with someone real, in which case, that means that I am really in love with someone I have never met in person and now I don't know how I am supposed to act, because well..... this is the first time something this crazy happens to me! HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN???? HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
Ok.... (Jazzy takes deep breath) so, how do I know I'm in love??? well, for starters, I cannot stop thinking about him AND the worst part, is that the last time he and I had a phone conversation, I lied to him! I HATE LYING! and when we hung up, I kept thinking to myself, OH MY GOD! why did I lie to him??? who am I? ok, like I only lied because I felt that if I told him the truth about something we were talking about, he would be disappointed in me, I felt that I had lie, although I really didn't have to because he wasn't even asking, except I told him about something I had done and caught myself completely fibbing to him because I didn't want him to think that I had done anything (physically) with this person I was mentioning to him, except why did I even have to tell him anything at all since I am not his girlfriend, in fact, all he and I do is constantly fight! SO! who cares if he knew if I did or didn't do anything with someone else??? you see what I mean???
Here I am, I pride myself in the fact that I try my hardest not to lie, yet I lied to the one person I feel that I love, except what if he is lying to me? what if he isn't who he says he is? what if he is someone else? and then to calm myself down, I started thinking about him in a different way, a way to calm my own anxieties down, a way to make him human to me because the fact that I have never seen him in person is becoming more and more of a dilemma to me in my mind and although part of me wants to just erase the whole thing from my mind, the other part of me can't stop thinking about the possibility of what if? what if this in fact IS real? what if all the conversations we have are genuine? WHAT IF! so, I began to think about the men that have been in my life and began to compare them to him and all of a sudden.... a moment of clarity! I realized that every single guy I have ever been with, ever thought I loved, they have all lied, made up some sort of story at some point, just the way I did just the other day trying to cover something up that I had done, because I felt like I had betrayed him except I never have, we have never been a couple, we are not committed, I AM SINGLE! so why did I feel bad? why did I feel the need to lie to him? and now I feel like I need to come clean and if I do, what is he going to say? and more importantly, do I really need to tell him anything at all? AND, why do we always lie to the people we truly care about? this makes me really sad, like the fact that I can tell a lie to someone I truly love, but to someone I don't care about, I go around telling them the truth, because who cares what they think right? but shouldn't it be the other way around? shouldn't I be telling the person I think I love the truth? or is it that I know he loves me also and felt that if I told him, I would hurt him even though we are not together? why is all of this so complicated yet I have never even seen this person? I want all of this to go away!!!!
So journal, I guess this entry is more me venting and just allowing myself to be disappointed in myself and just wondering why I am so confused lately? like I don't even want to think about anyone, like I really wish I could just not think man thoughts, yet it's like they don't go away, like I need to think about it because sometimes I feel like I need to make a decision, do I really want to be involved with anyone? I mean it just seems like such a complicated thing to do! my life is so damn simple! I go out when I want, date if I want, have sex if I want, stop having sex if I want, talk to men if I want, flirt if I want, dress like shit if I want, dress up if I want, stay in if I want, not give anyone an explanation if I want, blow people off if I want, delete people if I want, hide if I want, not talk if I want, LIFE IS SO SIMPLE! yet no matter how much I try, there is always someone trying to get something from me, they want some piece of me.... LEAVE ME ALONE!
I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Michael Jackson - Leave me alone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1glqdih1LsM
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