SUICIDE

Dear Journal:

Friday night, I sit at my table thinking of drawing a picture tonight, maybe I will, or maybe I will lay my body on my bed rest and watch a movie, something to make me cry, I feel like I want to.

Today was a lovely day, I have not heard from my love, yet I know he is near, I can almost feel him, his deep thoughts, his doubts, his fears.  Why are we always so afraid to just be? And then on my way home, happily I bought myself beautiful yellow flowers, they lit up my life and made me smile, I also made the guy behind the counter smile by asking him to please wrap up my flowers right, because they were for a very special lady.  

Spring will soon be here and I feel the heat in my heart, body and soul, I get so excited at the thought of Spring, my all time favorite! then, I was walking out of the subway and I looked ahead, and there he was, someone who deeply hurt me.  I remember how in days past, he would brighten up my day and make me smile, now I can only watch him walk from afar, because the wounds are so deep, that I have no more words.  Instead, I simply watched as he walked ahead, and I thought nothing, all I could do was send him good wishes, and hope for him that he will get the very best life has to offer, for I will never hold a grudge and I will always love another human being, no matter what. 

Nothing much more to report, other than sometimes my mind goes in all sorts of crazy directions and I have to run after it to catch it and bring it back, back to me, back to my body, back to this moment..... THE ONLY ONE THAT TRULY COUNTS.

Dearest Journal, I leave you with a poem, I handed this one in as part of an assignment.  My professor said he liked it, his comment on my paper was.... GOOD WORK!.....THANK YOU PROFESSOR!

NOTE: PLEASE DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!

SUICIDE

There it is, the iron horse, it's coming toward me....WHAT IF I JUMP! Will I feel the pain, will it be over in a second, what will I think as my body is mutilated into pieces, the faces of those who witness.  JUMP!

I sit on the fire scape, I look down and wonder...WHAT IF I JUMP! Will I feel the wind soothing my skin as I go down, or will the fall be too fast, my body hitting cement, the agony, the broken bones, will it be over at once, will it burn, will it scrape...JUMP!

Standing on the bridge, look at all that water....WHAT IF I JUMP! Will I feel the wind soothing my skin as I go down, or will the fall be too fast, my body hitting the water, the stabbing of it on my skin, pins and needles and burning, will I feel it, or will my neck crack and all is over....JUMP!

I stand and stare at the gun, there it is, grab it!....PULL THE TRIGGER! Will my brains splatter all over the wall, will I have time to think of anything at all, will someone throw up at the site....PULL THE TRIGGER!

On my car I speed down the highway, I just want to go all the way, go fast go fearless just go put your foot all the way down on the peddle! Put your foot down on the peddle! END IT NOW!....Will I feel anything as I fly through the windshield, will the wind sooth the burning of the glass on my body, will the bones crack and I'll hear it... PUT YOUR FOOT ALL THE WAY DOWN ON THE PEDDLE!

I sit on the ski lift on my way up, I look down at the snow, so pretty the snow, so pretty! JUMP DOWN! Will I feel the wind soothing my skin, will the cold of the snow free me from pain, will I live to share the pain....JUMP!