GO TO HELL!!!!!! DISAPPEAR FROM MY MIND!!!

When I met him, it was MAGICAL and I have said this from the very first time that I wrote about him on this blog which was my very first blog post.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html#comments I am not going to go on and on about it because if you follow my blog, you are probably sick and tired of reading about him.   I have to defend myself by saying that true sincere pure love, does not disappear from our hearts over night.  I have struggled with this for way to long now and I have to honestly say, that I myself am sick and tired of feeling it.  I am sure that many have read countless poems that say things about how it takes only a little bit of time to fall in love with someone, but some loves take a life time to forget.  It is true and I believe it.  I believe that true love, takes a long time to overcome, unless, someone else comes into your life that is able to blow you away again.  Before I loved Benjamin, I loved Hex I have written about him also, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/cheating-bastards.html it took me about 3 years to completely get over Hex and it wasn’t until I met Benjamin that I was able to really forget him. 

I always say that I don’t find it right to have re-bound love, because all of my life that is pretty much what I have done.  I would jump from relationship to relationship without even giving myself a chance to breath.  When I think of all the serious relationships I have had in my life, I can honestly say that I do not know who my “TRUE LOVE” was, which is why I don’t believe I have ever had that yet.  Yes I love Benjamin and I loved this one and that one, but to me, “TRUE LOVE” is that love that you never recover from or the person you marry and spend a life time with, or, does that even exist??? Maybe I am after a fairy tale love that really doesn’t exist and they have all in their own way, been my “TRUE LOVES”  What ever the case may be, I am writing this post because today is Benjamin’s birthday and this morning, I called him and left him a message wishing him the very best life has to offer.

Benjamin Nunez is not his real name,  I call him that on my blog for the obvious reason which is that I do not wish to reveal his real name because I don't ever do that when I write about people unless they tell me it is ok.  Also, when him and I first met and he told me his real name, I later could not remember the last name and so I came up with my own version of his name.  I was to embarrassed to ask him.  One day, when he was leaving the company where he worked which was in the same building as the company that I worked (that's where we met) he gave me a business card so we could stay in touch, it was finally that day that I found out his real full name (I only remembered his first name).  I later sent him an email telling him my Benjamin Nunez story and he found it completely hilarious.  Since he is a popular blogger (in his industry) if I were to put his real name on my blog, all you would have to do is type his name on google and countless amounts of pages with his work would come up.  This is another reason why I do not want to put his name on here, I don't think it would be appropriate. 

Last week, the 3rd session of the Philosophy classes he and I both attended began.  http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/05/this-poster-can-make-you-happier-than.html I decided that I was not going to be going to those classes for many reasons one which was to avoid seeing him.  Anyway, he had mentioned on twitter that he would be blogging about the classes.  I was really excited about it because I thought to myself that even if I could not attend the actual class, I could at least know what the classes were about by reading his blog right? right? because "supposively" I am like sooooo over him! RIGHT??! RIGHT!.  Last Wednesday I go on his blog (he is an excellent writer) and I begin to read his post on the class and as I get to the middle of his post, there it was, something I sure wasn't expecting to read.  He gave an example about love, referencing his GIRLFRIEND!! At first I had to re- read the post, because I thought maybe he was using an example of a past girl, but no, it was true, my love has found love. 

Yes I have always expected him to get himself a girlfriend obviously, but I just saw him 2 months ago and he said he didn’t even date.  How is it, tha you don't even date, but you find a girlfriend so quickly? That day we were having a conversation about our summer plans and I told him I was seeing someone and he was curious in knowing his name, I kept thinking to myself what difference does that make?? For the last 3 years he has known my feelings for him, he also told me years ago to move on with my life.  I tell him I'm seeing someone to show him that I'm finally trying to do what he asked me and he's interested in knowing the guys name?? Maybe he didn't believe me? because I was really excited when I spoke about the guy to him, but I was excited, I genuinely liked the guy. 

I waited for years for Benjamin to maybe realize that he cared for me too and for nothing.  I kept thinking to myself that he should be happy for me that I was trying to move on with my life as he always asked me to, but men are so selfish, I don't want you Jazzy, but the thought of you with another guy really burns me up!  Especially if this guy get's you so excited.  After telling him the guy's name, I then say to him that he needed to date also, I told him to go out and enjoy himself and get himself a girl.  Well, he obviously listened to me.  Because even though he said he "wasn't dating" he went out and found himself a girlfriend really quick! wtf! men waste no time.  He has been single for nearly as long as I have been, so I guess I was sort of used to that and deep down inside I always had some ridiculous hope of some sort.  Still, 2 months ago you were not even dating and now you have a girlfriend?? WTF! is that???

After I read the post, I laughed about it and told myself that I wasn’t going to read his posts anymore.  I really really don’t want to hear about his “new girlfriend” I tried to put that little bit of information that I read in the back of my mind and told myself that I didn’t care, whatever, we don’t even talk, who gives a shit, poor girl, and I mentally bad mouthed him until I was completely satisfied.  A day later however, I was driving and this song comes on the radio that is pretty popular.  I had heard it before but never really paid attention to the lyrics, so I am finally paying attention to them and I just BROKE DOWN! In that moment, I knew that I still cared for him too much for comfort.  My love has a girlfriend I kept thinking, she is kissing the man that I love! this is too much for me, I can't deal with it, yet I know I have no choice but too.  Who is this woman kissing my love?? I hope she treats him well and that she will understand the extent of his madness, the way I do.

I made a decision this morning, that this will be the last post I write about Benjamin.  In moving on with my life as I have tried and struggled for these last 3 years.  It is important that I completely let go of any and all things related to him.  I had started on this blog a series called letters to a friend http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html that are about him.  I wanted to continue posting them, but I know that doing so, is not healthy for me and that in learning to love myself and giving myself the opportunity to seriously move on, I need to stop anything that I do, in relation to him.  Hopefully someday, I will be able to start the series again, I will do so, only when he is but a distant memory to me.  For now, I need to do this for my mental health and well being.  Thinking of him isn’t really doing much for me, it’s a useless waste of time and energy, and I am fully aware that I am only hurting myself. 

I don’t know if he ever reads my blog, but if he ever comes across it, I want him to know that my love for him is selfless, that I wish him nothing but the best with his new found love.  When you love someone with sincerity, you want nothing but the best for them.  And even in knowing that they are with someone else, you can cry (as I did) but at the same time smile (as I did also) because you know that they are happy, even if that happiness does not include you. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BENJAMIN NUNEZ..

I dedicate this song to you my love.

Adele - Someone like you. (this is the song that made me cry)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njwvIPJlPN0