Guilt must be one of the worst feelings in the world! I hate that feeling, when you are there knowing you did or said something wrong and it is eating you up inside. The thing about guilt is, that guilt isn’t something that you learn or something that is taught to you as a child, guilt is just this normal human feeling that we all have. My daughter is 3 years old and she knows when she has done something wrong she feels something and I can tell she does by the way she looks at me. She may not know how to identify what she is feeling, but she is definitely feeling the feeling of guilt. We all know it all to well.
I am no saint in any way shape or form, I’m far from that. But as I have gotten older I am trying to learn from my mistakes and grow from them and even share them with others in hopes that my bad experiences will serve someone else, in a way that it may help them re-consider or maybe even help them in making a decision. I am going to share with you, my story about a man who had a HEX on me! (for the rest of this post, I will refer to him as HEX) because he truly had me hypnotized.
I start my story with the fact that a few months ago, maybe in January, I am looking through some pictures on Face book of a friend of mine and I come across some pictures of him (HEX) and his new baby girl. When I saw them, I couldn’t contain my tears, there were both tears of joy and jealousy, I couldn't help but to think that, that could of been us, there he was, my HEX with his new family! After crying, I began to smile and in my thoughts I wished him all the very best. I often wish people well in my thoughts and I send them love and good wishes. It is important that we as human beings send out these good feelings of love to others.
As I continued to look through the pictures I came across yet another picture. This picture I had to stop and look at, this picture was of her, not the girl whom he has his new family with but his ex girlfriend, the girl who’s life I had made miserable for so long, because I HAD LOVED HIM TOO! While I was looking at the picture admiring her beauty and the beauty of his oldest daughter, and thinking back at all that had happened when he had that first beautiful little girl, with the woman who's life I had made miserable. All of a sudden, the worst guilt I had ever felt came over me. I felt so guilty in fact, that I almost wanted to send her and e-mail and tell her how sorry I truly was. I wanted to tell her that all three of us were at fault, that what had happened was just as much her fault as it was mine, that we were caught up in a love triangle and that I had made mistakes that I had paid for with many tears.
After thinking about it for a moment, I decided that sending her a message was probably not important. After all, we had all moved on with our lives, she was no longer with him, she was in a new relationship with someone else. Her smile in her picture looked radiant, she looked happy. There was no reason for me to bring up that horrible past where I had been her biggest nightmare, she would of probably just sent me a message back telling me to go to hell. I decided instead to let it be and I wished her well in my thoughts and sent her love and blessings.
After thinking about it for a moment, I decided that sending her a message was probably not important. After all, we had all moved on with our lives, she was no longer with him, she was in a new relationship with someone else. Her smile in her picture looked radiant, she looked happy. There was no reason for me to bring up that horrible past where I had been her biggest nightmare, she would of probably just sent me a message back telling me to go to hell. I decided instead to let it be and I wished her well in my thoughts and sent her love and blessings.
I will never forget the day I set my eyes on HEX, it’s hard to describe him because in my eyes he was so perfect, but I shall try. His big brown eyes lit up and sparkled, his lips were fine and perky and his nose was perfectly rounded at the tip and pointing up to the sky in the most perfect way. He was intelligent, funny, romantic and just my very best friend. And then there was that beauty mark, the one that matched mine. We both shared a beauty mark on our left cheek and although his was noticeably bigger, it was that beauty mark that would always keep me wondering, why do I feel like we belong to each other? If you saw us in a crowd, you would assume that we should be together. We almost looked alike. He was just extremely handsome, or at least in my eyes he was and still is.
When I met him I was married but separated from my ex husband, or actually, right after I met him and realized that I did not have the same feelings for my husband that I once did, I was honest to my husband and told him I liked someone else and that I did not think it was fair to continue to be with him. My husband and I had a long distance relationship that at the time seemed like it would never be a successful one (it never was since we are no longer together) but either way, after thinking about the fact that he was in another country and that he would probably never be able to come to the States to be with me, I had finally made a decision that I no longer wanted to be in this crazy relationship that seemed to be going no where and I broke things off with him and started my loving romance with HEX.
HEX however did have a girlfriend and his girlfriend shared an apartment with him. That’s the girl that I saw on Facebook. This girl was absolutely beautiful, I am not exaggerating when I say that I often wondered what the hell he saw in me? How could he cheat on her with me? Look at her and look at me, to me it just seemed crazy, yet he would always tell me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world and his words were sincere, I might not be the most beautiful woman in the world, but in his eyes, I was and I knew that when he said it, it came from his heart and he was not talking about my outer beauty, he was referring to me, my soul. I knew that he loved me and saw me as I am, HEX knew me, he knew my heart, he knew who I was inside and out, he knew me well. I knew he loved me, but I also knew that he loved her.
When him and I first met he was broken up with her. I was helping in the recruitment efforts for this company in Florida where I lived at the time. One day we had an open house because we needed to hire about 50 people. I was standing by the cafeteria door. The cafeteria was set up very similar to a school lunch room. There were long tables in rows and the size of the room was probably bigger than two average class rooms. From where I stood, I could see the other side of the room very clearly as people were walking in. When he walked into the cafeteria, I swear I felt like time had stopped! I didn’t know how to act, where to look, how to talk. I have to say that not many people have had that affect on me in my life, I can actually say that I remember each person that has indeed had that affect on me and he was one of them. I like to call that feeling the magical feeling, one that we don’t experience often in life. The WOW feeling, the WOW! Who is that? I was suppose to conduct he's interview for the job, but I couldn’t even do it because I was so nervous, so I asked the person who was also interviewing candidates with me, to please interview him and to hire him. I said to her, "you better hire him" So she interviewed him hired him and now it was my job to help get all his paperwork for the hiring process.
We were finally introduced by her and I had to calm myself down before I could even talk to him, I remember I kept thinking to myself, calm down woman, it's only a man. But this man was different, I just felt so nervous, he was so beautiful to me. We all had to leave the lunchroom and walk back to the office and on the way to the office him and I started to talk, I could tell he was nervous as well. We conducted the new hire process and then I was asked by my co-worker and friend to pleases escort him out of the building. On our way out, he made a flirty remark and I knew then, that he was feeling the same thing I was.
After that initial meeting all I can say is that him and I were inseparable. We went to work each day, just to see each other. We had to keep everything quiet at work however, because no one could know about our romance. I had never dated anyone I worked with and because I was in the Human Resources department, I felt that it was best to keep it quiet.
Keeping things on the "down low" or secretly was really difficult for the both of us. One time, he told me that he was ready to let people know that I was his, because any moment, he was going to have to "knock somebody out" he once told me that him and a few other guys, were all talking on their lunch break, and that one of the guys he was talking to, started making comments about "what he would do to me if he had me in a bed" and that having to listen to that, was so hard that he did not know how he had even controlled his anger. Me on the other hand, I had to often here from other female co-workers, about how cute he was and how they wouldn't mind "getting a piece of that" It was CRAZY! I hated to have to keep this secret, because I wanted to shout to the world that I LOVED HIM! and that he was mine. But in reality, he was not that. He also had the girlfriend which was another factor why we needed to keep this secret at work. We lived in a very small town, and there were other people there who knew her. The situation was very complicated so it was best for many reasons to just keep things that way, until we could figure out what we were going to do.
The reason why I ended up in this crazy situation, was because when I initially met him, him and his then girlfriend (the one who I spoke about earlier who's picture brought me back all these memories) were broken up at the time. While him and her were broken up, him and I started seeing each other and our connection was really strong, we became best friends and lovers. However, they ended up getting back together. It was a very difficult situation, because I was married and was not sure what I was doing. I knew that I obviously no longer loved my husband, however, I had a commitment to him because I had his child. And I was at that time trying to make arrangements to bring him to the US. And him, due to many circumstances that are to difficult to explain and to long to write about, he ended up having to go back to her. She sort of had this manipulative tool, that she would use to keep him or to make sure that he wouldn't leave for long. It was a really difficult situation, but what we were feeling was something either of us could control. It was real, it was LOVE!
While his girlfriend was trying to manipulate him, I on the other hand, had sworn that I would never do anything to try and trap a man, because if someone was going to love me, they would have to make the choice to be with me on their own, not because I was trying to manipulate or force anything from anyone. We should never force people to be with us if they don't really love us. The whole time he was physically with her, he was mentally with me. So, who really had him?
At one point things got really crazy for me, I had never been the "other woman" it was probably one of the worst experiences in my life. I could tell that he was being torn between two woman, me being the other woman and her being the bad woman. When I think back at that I think OMG what happened to me? How did I go around being with someone that I knew had someone else? I had never done nor will I ever do something like that again. The worst was the weekends, when I would have to be home knowing that "my man" that I loved, was spending "quality time with that bitch" yet she was not a bitch, she was a victim as well, she loved him and didn't know how to let him go, no matter how or what she had to do, she would do it to physically have him there. In reality however, while he was in bed with her, his thoughts were of me. So again, who really had him? Do you have a person because they are physically with you? or is it fair to say that you can have my body, but you do not have my heart and thoughts. His heart and thoughts were always of me. How did I know this? because he showed me. I can honestly say that I don't think he understood the magnitude of the effects of this love triangle and neither did I.
Sometimes I wanted to call her and tell her about him and I, but I could never bring myself to do so, because I once had told him that I would never ask him to leave her, if he left her, it would be on his own will. I didn't feel it was my place to make him choose between us. Because ultimately, we are the bosses of our own actions and it was up to him to decide what was best for him. Again, I always knew that this would not go on forever, although there were many times that I told myself, that I didn't care if she had him physically, because I had his heart. How did I know this? I JUST DID! HE SHOWED ME. I also knew, that if I really wanted to, I could probably get him, but I didn't want to manipulate him, I wanted him to make that choice on his own.
Being in this situation however, made me become this person that I did not even recognize. In addition to me having become the other woman. I also became a fake, a liar, a sneak all kinds of things I had never been in my life. I was playing all sorts of roles that I had never played before. But my love for him was so true, that even though I knew he had a girlfriend who he lived with, I still felt this sense of loyalty to him, I was in love with him and therefore incapable of being with anyone else.
One day however, I became tired of this situation and I went out and met this guy. I told myself, that I was going to give this other person a chance because it wasn't fair to me that I was being faithful and dating someone who was with someone else, what the fuck was happening to me? So I started to hang out with this other guy and sort of started to see him behind Hex's back, except I wasn't doing anything wrong because he had a girl, yet I felt horrible and guilty. I felt like I was cheating on "my man" when in reality, he wasn't mine completely.
One weekend, I had decided that I was going to hang out with this new person, because I had had enough of this crazy situation. I kept thinking to myself, that why should I stay home dwelling on the fact that the man I loved, was home with his girl. This new person that I had met, kept trying to hang out with him, but I would make up all sorts of excuses. This one weekend however, I told him, that I would take him up on his offer and hang out with him. When we hung out, the whole time while I was with him, all I could do was think about the man that I loved, who was home with his girl. That night, the guy took me out to a party, where I met all his friends and family. He really liked me and kept trying to get me to be his girl. After the party, I went home with him and slept over his house. When I woke up the next morning I had numerous missed calls from "my love" I felt so extremely guilty, I was so afraid to call him back. It felt almost like he knew that I was doing something behind his back. It was horrible. When I finally left the other guys house and was able to call him back and he asked me where I was, I lied so terribly that I didn't even recognize who I was. All of a sudden, I had become an adulterer a cheater a fake and a lying bastard. Who was this Jazzy? I did not know myself. I told him I had spent the night over my girlfriends house when he asked which one, I made up the most weirdest story I could think of and then felt horrible about it. Yet I wasn't doing anything wrong! he had a girlfriend! This situation with him had clearly become more then I could handle. I was more stressed and miserable than I was happy. Being the other woman, proved to be the worst roll to play in life. As least for me it was.
The icing on the cake was when his grandmother passed away and I was unable to be at the funeral services. That day, we met up by this road and we cried together in my car. He told me that he just wished he could have me there because I was the only person he wanted around. I could not go obviously, because his girlfriend was there. That day, when I got home, I decided that I could no longer play this role and that I was going to come back to New York. I could not live this way anymore, I had to run as fast and far away from this situation as I could. I guess you could almost say, that he ran me out of town. I could no longer be in this love triangle. I began to make arrangements to come back to New York and so I did.
We continued to talk and he said he was going to come to New York to be with me. A few weeks after me being back in New York however, he called me to tell me that his girl was having a baby, but that he still wanted to come to New York to be with me. In that moment I decided that it was time for me to forget this man. I told him to just forget me, that it was clear that our love was not meant to be. I then decided that maybe it was best that I continue to try to help my husband to come to the US so he could be part of his own sons life.
Although my husband and I were still separated, I had called him and talked to him and told him I would still help him. He also told me how there was a woman that he liked and how he didn't understand what had happened between us. We were so confused about this whole situation. I knew what was going on though, I knew that I was madly in love with another man, who I would never have the opportunity to have a normal relationship with. Yet I knew that it was time to make decisions like an adult. And although I no longer loved my husband, It was the best choice for me at the time. I needed to do what was right for my own child and for everyone involved in this crazy triangle of love.
I want to also share, something that I am even less proud of. While his ex girlfriend was pregnant, I was so completely devastated, that one day I got really drunk and I called him crying to tell him how much I missed him, hated him, loved him and how miserable I felt. I was angry that he was going to have a baby, a baby that could of been ours. I was always careful not to get pregnant from him, because I would not use such a thing to try and trap a man. I knew very well that having someone's baby was not a game and that I would not accomplish much by doing such a thing. Yet I was devastated because the man I loved, was having a baby with someone else. It was horrible.
When I called him, she picked up the phone. And in that moment, I did what I had never thought I would do to another human being, I told her that he was my man and that I loved him, I told her everything. I know that I broke her heart I know that I hurt her. Back then, I didn't understand or rather, I didn't accept that what I was doing was horrible and wrong. I loved him too though, he belonged to me!
Today, as I write this post, I understand why when I saw her pictures on Facebook, I wanted to write to her to tell her I was sorry. I felt that way because what I had done was absolutely wrong. My love for him had made me so blind, that all I could think of was. All is fair in love and war! but it is not. The reality is, that we should NOT DO TO OTHERS, WHAT WE DO NOT WANT TO BE DONE TO US. Being in this sort of situation, makes everyone become victims of feelings of jealousy, lust, anger, hate, revenge and all those horrible sentiments we human beings are capable of having. You become blinded and trapped.
After that day, he called me and asked me why I had done that, he wasn't mad, he understood me and he knew and felt my pain. We both felt it. It was hard on both of us. He didn't yell at me or wasn't upset with me, but rather, he told me that he was sorry, still, he wanted to try to work things out, he loved me and he wanted to be with me. That day, I broke everything off for good.
I will never forget that horrible morning. I was at work and I went outside and stood under a construction site on 42nd street between Park ave. and Lexington ave. I went by a doorway and sobbed while talking on the phone with him. I finally told him that day what I had thought for so long but was never able to tell him. For the first time, I told him that I was in love with him (while we were together we would never say I love you to each other, but we both knew we did) That morning, I said it though, I said it a thousand times, I told him I love you and I will never be your #1 girl. I told him that I did not know how to be #2 because I had never played that role. I told him he needed to stay there and become a father and be good at it. I told him that he needed to take care of his responsibility. I knew he would even if he would of came to me, but I didn't feel that it was right for that baby who would be coming into this harsh world, to not have her daddy. I told him that the hardest role I had ever played was being second in someones life. We were both very sad and after that conversation, we never talked again.
I heard about him having his daughter and lost touch with him for about 5 years. Then one day, we were re-connected, again he was in a new relationship and I was already in love with someone new. I have to admit that if he had not been in this new relationship, I would of probably packed my bags and moved to Florida to be with him, that's how real my love for him was. I was in love with someone, but not in a relationship with him and trying to get over it. I know that if I would of went back to HEX I would of easily fell right back in love with him.
He was in a new relationship however and I was not going to go that route again. In addition, we didn't even discuss that. I am simply writing it because those were the thoughts that crossed my mind when I found him again. I wished so bad that he was alone, because if there is one person that I know I would probably been very happy with, it would probably be him. I think of him often, but I know now, that it was just not meant to be. I also know, that one day, I will find that man that will make me very happy. I understand that life is a series of chapters and that each chapter has a special meaning. I am happy for him that he has a new family and I hope that he will always be well. In my heart, he will always be my friend.
Words of advice should you come across this blog post. When you start out as #2 you will always be just that. Yes, I got the best of him because I was the one he never lied to, I knew him better then she did. He told me everything, we were best friends. Yet I didn't really have him, that was her man not mine. In addition, in the back of my mind I would always think, if he did that to her, what makes me think, he wouldn't do it to me? yes, people make mistakes and he made many, I don't judge him because I made them along side him. Yet had him and I stayed together, that would of probably been something that would of always caused me concern.
This experience taught me many lessons. I will NEVER do to another woman, what I would not want to be done to me. I wish one day she (the woman who I caused so much pain to) would come across my blog. Because I want to tell her that I am sorry for causing her so much pain and that I am also sorry for causing myself so much pain and that I am sorry for causing him so much pain. We were all victims of a love triangle, we were victims of being human beings that allowed such a thing to happen. He is a great man, he didn't do anything on purpose, I am a good woman, I didn't do anything on purpose. Yet we were not very nice people in that moment in time.
So, before you think of getting involved with someone that is already in a relationship, think about it twice, because the truth is, that it will probably not end up well.
LIVE AND LEARN....
I had said yesterday, that I was going to post this blog post that I actually wrote a while back. I didn't have a chance to though. Below is a link that is related to this story.....
This is my journal... thank you for reading!
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/drake-best-i-ever-had-hd.html
We were finally introduced by her and I had to calm myself down before I could even talk to him, I remember I kept thinking to myself, calm down woman, it's only a man. But this man was different, I just felt so nervous, he was so beautiful to me. We all had to leave the lunchroom and walk back to the office and on the way to the office him and I started to talk, I could tell he was nervous as well. We conducted the new hire process and then I was asked by my co-worker and friend to pleases escort him out of the building. On our way out, he made a flirty remark and I knew then, that he was feeling the same thing I was.
After that initial meeting all I can say is that him and I were inseparable. We went to work each day, just to see each other. We had to keep everything quiet at work however, because no one could know about our romance. I had never dated anyone I worked with and because I was in the Human Resources department, I felt that it was best to keep it quiet.
Keeping things on the "down low" or secretly was really difficult for the both of us. One time, he told me that he was ready to let people know that I was his, because any moment, he was going to have to "knock somebody out" he once told me that him and a few other guys, were all talking on their lunch break, and that one of the guys he was talking to, started making comments about "what he would do to me if he had me in a bed" and that having to listen to that, was so hard that he did not know how he had even controlled his anger. Me on the other hand, I had to often here from other female co-workers, about how cute he was and how they wouldn't mind "getting a piece of that" It was CRAZY! I hated to have to keep this secret, because I wanted to shout to the world that I LOVED HIM! and that he was mine. But in reality, he was not that. He also had the girlfriend which was another factor why we needed to keep this secret at work. We lived in a very small town, and there were other people there who knew her. The situation was very complicated so it was best for many reasons to just keep things that way, until we could figure out what we were going to do.
The reason why I ended up in this crazy situation, was because when I initially met him, him and his then girlfriend (the one who I spoke about earlier who's picture brought me back all these memories) were broken up at the time. While him and her were broken up, him and I started seeing each other and our connection was really strong, we became best friends and lovers. However, they ended up getting back together. It was a very difficult situation, because I was married and was not sure what I was doing. I knew that I obviously no longer loved my husband, however, I had a commitment to him because I had his child. And I was at that time trying to make arrangements to bring him to the US. And him, due to many circumstances that are to difficult to explain and to long to write about, he ended up having to go back to her. She sort of had this manipulative tool, that she would use to keep him or to make sure that he wouldn't leave for long. It was a really difficult situation, but what we were feeling was something either of us could control. It was real, it was LOVE!
While his girlfriend was trying to manipulate him, I on the other hand, had sworn that I would never do anything to try and trap a man, because if someone was going to love me, they would have to make the choice to be with me on their own, not because I was trying to manipulate or force anything from anyone. We should never force people to be with us if they don't really love us. The whole time he was physically with her, he was mentally with me. So, who really had him?
At one point things got really crazy for me, I had never been the "other woman" it was probably one of the worst experiences in my life. I could tell that he was being torn between two woman, me being the other woman and her being the bad woman. When I think back at that I think OMG what happened to me? How did I go around being with someone that I knew had someone else? I had never done nor will I ever do something like that again. The worst was the weekends, when I would have to be home knowing that "my man" that I loved, was spending "quality time with that bitch" yet she was not a bitch, she was a victim as well, she loved him and didn't know how to let him go, no matter how or what she had to do, she would do it to physically have him there. In reality however, while he was in bed with her, his thoughts were of me. So again, who really had him? Do you have a person because they are physically with you? or is it fair to say that you can have my body, but you do not have my heart and thoughts. His heart and thoughts were always of me. How did I know this? because he showed me. I can honestly say that I don't think he understood the magnitude of the effects of this love triangle and neither did I.
Sometimes I wanted to call her and tell her about him and I, but I could never bring myself to do so, because I once had told him that I would never ask him to leave her, if he left her, it would be on his own will. I didn't feel it was my place to make him choose between us. Because ultimately, we are the bosses of our own actions and it was up to him to decide what was best for him. Again, I always knew that this would not go on forever, although there were many times that I told myself, that I didn't care if she had him physically, because I had his heart. How did I know this? I JUST DID! HE SHOWED ME. I also knew, that if I really wanted to, I could probably get him, but I didn't want to manipulate him, I wanted him to make that choice on his own.
Being in this situation however, made me become this person that I did not even recognize. In addition to me having become the other woman. I also became a fake, a liar, a sneak all kinds of things I had never been in my life. I was playing all sorts of roles that I had never played before. But my love for him was so true, that even though I knew he had a girlfriend who he lived with, I still felt this sense of loyalty to him, I was in love with him and therefore incapable of being with anyone else.
One day however, I became tired of this situation and I went out and met this guy. I told myself, that I was going to give this other person a chance because it wasn't fair to me that I was being faithful and dating someone who was with someone else, what the fuck was happening to me? So I started to hang out with this other guy and sort of started to see him behind Hex's back, except I wasn't doing anything wrong because he had a girl, yet I felt horrible and guilty. I felt like I was cheating on "my man" when in reality, he wasn't mine completely.
One weekend, I had decided that I was going to hang out with this new person, because I had had enough of this crazy situation. I kept thinking to myself, that why should I stay home dwelling on the fact that the man I loved, was home with his girl. This new person that I had met, kept trying to hang out with him, but I would make up all sorts of excuses. This one weekend however, I told him, that I would take him up on his offer and hang out with him. When we hung out, the whole time while I was with him, all I could do was think about the man that I loved, who was home with his girl. That night, the guy took me out to a party, where I met all his friends and family. He really liked me and kept trying to get me to be his girl. After the party, I went home with him and slept over his house. When I woke up the next morning I had numerous missed calls from "my love" I felt so extremely guilty, I was so afraid to call him back. It felt almost like he knew that I was doing something behind his back. It was horrible. When I finally left the other guys house and was able to call him back and he asked me where I was, I lied so terribly that I didn't even recognize who I was. All of a sudden, I had become an adulterer a cheater a fake and a lying bastard. Who was this Jazzy? I did not know myself. I told him I had spent the night over my girlfriends house when he asked which one, I made up the most weirdest story I could think of and then felt horrible about it. Yet I wasn't doing anything wrong! he had a girlfriend! This situation with him had clearly become more then I could handle. I was more stressed and miserable than I was happy. Being the other woman, proved to be the worst roll to play in life. As least for me it was.
The icing on the cake was when his grandmother passed away and I was unable to be at the funeral services. That day, we met up by this road and we cried together in my car. He told me that he just wished he could have me there because I was the only person he wanted around. I could not go obviously, because his girlfriend was there. That day, when I got home, I decided that I could no longer play this role and that I was going to come back to New York. I could not live this way anymore, I had to run as fast and far away from this situation as I could. I guess you could almost say, that he ran me out of town. I could no longer be in this love triangle. I began to make arrangements to come back to New York and so I did.
We continued to talk and he said he was going to come to New York to be with me. A few weeks after me being back in New York however, he called me to tell me that his girl was having a baby, but that he still wanted to come to New York to be with me. In that moment I decided that it was time for me to forget this man. I told him to just forget me, that it was clear that our love was not meant to be. I then decided that maybe it was best that I continue to try to help my husband to come to the US so he could be part of his own sons life.
Although my husband and I were still separated, I had called him and talked to him and told him I would still help him. He also told me how there was a woman that he liked and how he didn't understand what had happened between us. We were so confused about this whole situation. I knew what was going on though, I knew that I was madly in love with another man, who I would never have the opportunity to have a normal relationship with. Yet I knew that it was time to make decisions like an adult. And although I no longer loved my husband, It was the best choice for me at the time. I needed to do what was right for my own child and for everyone involved in this crazy triangle of love.
I want to also share, something that I am even less proud of. While his ex girlfriend was pregnant, I was so completely devastated, that one day I got really drunk and I called him crying to tell him how much I missed him, hated him, loved him and how miserable I felt. I was angry that he was going to have a baby, a baby that could of been ours. I was always careful not to get pregnant from him, because I would not use such a thing to try and trap a man. I knew very well that having someone's baby was not a game and that I would not accomplish much by doing such a thing. Yet I was devastated because the man I loved, was having a baby with someone else. It was horrible.
When I called him, she picked up the phone. And in that moment, I did what I had never thought I would do to another human being, I told her that he was my man and that I loved him, I told her everything. I know that I broke her heart I know that I hurt her. Back then, I didn't understand or rather, I didn't accept that what I was doing was horrible and wrong. I loved him too though, he belonged to me!
Today, as I write this post, I understand why when I saw her pictures on Facebook, I wanted to write to her to tell her I was sorry. I felt that way because what I had done was absolutely wrong. My love for him had made me so blind, that all I could think of was. All is fair in love and war! but it is not. The reality is, that we should NOT DO TO OTHERS, WHAT WE DO NOT WANT TO BE DONE TO US. Being in this sort of situation, makes everyone become victims of feelings of jealousy, lust, anger, hate, revenge and all those horrible sentiments we human beings are capable of having. You become blinded and trapped.
After that day, he called me and asked me why I had done that, he wasn't mad, he understood me and he knew and felt my pain. We both felt it. It was hard on both of us. He didn't yell at me or wasn't upset with me, but rather, he told me that he was sorry, still, he wanted to try to work things out, he loved me and he wanted to be with me. That day, I broke everything off for good.
I will never forget that horrible morning. I was at work and I went outside and stood under a construction site on 42nd street between Park ave. and Lexington ave. I went by a doorway and sobbed while talking on the phone with him. I finally told him that day what I had thought for so long but was never able to tell him. For the first time, I told him that I was in love with him (while we were together we would never say I love you to each other, but we both knew we did) That morning, I said it though, I said it a thousand times, I told him I love you and I will never be your #1 girl. I told him that I did not know how to be #2 because I had never played that role. I told him he needed to stay there and become a father and be good at it. I told him that he needed to take care of his responsibility. I knew he would even if he would of came to me, but I didn't feel that it was right for that baby who would be coming into this harsh world, to not have her daddy. I told him that the hardest role I had ever played was being second in someones life. We were both very sad and after that conversation, we never talked again.
I heard about him having his daughter and lost touch with him for about 5 years. Then one day, we were re-connected, again he was in a new relationship and I was already in love with someone new. I have to admit that if he had not been in this new relationship, I would of probably packed my bags and moved to Florida to be with him, that's how real my love for him was. I was in love with someone, but not in a relationship with him and trying to get over it. I know that if I would of went back to HEX I would of easily fell right back in love with him.
He was in a new relationship however and I was not going to go that route again. In addition, we didn't even discuss that. I am simply writing it because those were the thoughts that crossed my mind when I found him again. I wished so bad that he was alone, because if there is one person that I know I would probably been very happy with, it would probably be him. I think of him often, but I know now, that it was just not meant to be. I also know, that one day, I will find that man that will make me very happy. I understand that life is a series of chapters and that each chapter has a special meaning. I am happy for him that he has a new family and I hope that he will always be well. In my heart, he will always be my friend.
Words of advice should you come across this blog post. When you start out as #2 you will always be just that. Yes, I got the best of him because I was the one he never lied to, I knew him better then she did. He told me everything, we were best friends. Yet I didn't really have him, that was her man not mine. In addition, in the back of my mind I would always think, if he did that to her, what makes me think, he wouldn't do it to me? yes, people make mistakes and he made many, I don't judge him because I made them along side him. Yet had him and I stayed together, that would of probably been something that would of always caused me concern.
This experience taught me many lessons. I will NEVER do to another woman, what I would not want to be done to me. I wish one day she (the woman who I caused so much pain to) would come across my blog. Because I want to tell her that I am sorry for causing her so much pain and that I am also sorry for causing myself so much pain and that I am sorry for causing him so much pain. We were all victims of a love triangle, we were victims of being human beings that allowed such a thing to happen. He is a great man, he didn't do anything on purpose, I am a good woman, I didn't do anything on purpose. Yet we were not very nice people in that moment in time.
So, before you think of getting involved with someone that is already in a relationship, think about it twice, because the truth is, that it will probably not end up well.
LIVE AND LEARN....
I had said yesterday, that I was going to post this blog post that I actually wrote a while back. I didn't have a chance to though. Below is a link that is related to this story.....
This is my journal... thank you for reading!
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/07/drake-best-i-ever-had-hd.html
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