"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will" ~ Robert Sexton
Dear Journal:
So much to tell you so little time! I will start by reporting some great news, I'm going skiing! Soooo excited! I have not been skiing since I was a teenager, that was many many moons ago! yet I think I will be ok doing it. Like I had not been ice skating since I was a kid and last year I took my younger kids ice skating and I was so good at it, I was able to skate backwards and piss my 13 year old son off! It was AWESOME! My kids constantly compete with me and I have no idea why? Don't they know that the devil is the devil because he's old not because he's bad? Yes this is a Spanish saying "el diablo as diablo por viejo no por malo" basically, they can't beat me because I have "been there, done all that" but they still want to compete with mom... Whatever son! Whatever makes you happy!
What else? OH YES! I am absolutely loving my creative writing class, I had this idea for a poem that I'm writing and the idea got me into such a deep thought, that I had to take a breath from it, the subject matter is death and it was such a deep thing to really dig into that I became extremely overwhelmed and had to stop. Writing, really getting into writing something, can be very overwhelming and emotional at times, especially if your writing with a passion. When I have an assignment, I want to really challenge myself and dig deep inside and hopefully get a good grade, but mostly, I want to challenge myself, give my all. Additionally, I feel like I'm always writing about love and I wanted to write poems about other topics, things that people think about. After I turn them in, I will post them.
Journal, can I confess something to you? So two nights ago I am parked in front of my building waiting for my kids to come down and as I am waiting I decide to go through my emails. All of a sudden there it was! HIS name! THAT NAME! The one that I almost dare not say, think about or acknowledge! there it was, in my in box, the name you know all too well, the name that I tattooed on my heart the day I first saw his lovely face, that late afternoon of October 2008, that name that changed my life forever! You know it all to well! Benjamin Nunez! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html By the way journal, that isn't his real name, that's the name I gave him to keep him anonymous, but his name, his real name was in my in box.
Since he has a blog, I quickly realized that the only reason why his name was in my inbox was because he had made a comment to a post that I had made a comment to as well years ago and I was part of the thread, so because he had made a new comment on the comment thread, I got an automatic email, still, I nearly had a heart attack! I hope that the day he finally decides to talk to me again, he will not contact me via an email, I might seriously get sick or something. Anyway, lately I haven't thought of him much, or at least not nearly as much as I once did, I think that finally, the imaginary ink on the name that is tattoed across my heart is finally slowly fading and the memory becoming distant, I knew this day would come, why it only took like four years! FOUR! OH MY! If that wasn't true love, then I don't know what it was. Anyway, when I saw the name, I felt a sense of shock followed by a feeling of joy and tenderness followed by my eyes becoming watery... What affect this man still has on me! simply amazing! And so after sitting there blankly staring at the name now with tears rolling down my cheeks, I realized something amazing. I realized that it was ok to feel that way, because his influence in my life had been so amazing, that it was ok. Just simply knowing him, had made me want to be better. The day if ever I am totally and completely in love with someone else the way I was totally and completely in love with him, I want that person to make me want to be better and hope that I will make that person feel that way as well. So, I sat there in my car, crying for a few minutes, embracing the feeling that had just came over me, and then I let it go, wiped my tears and moved on from it. It was awesome to allow myself to feel what my body wanted to feel, to accept it, and to let it go. The fact that I feel, that I cry and that I accept, is just a confirmation that I am alive and well, that I am human. I am ok with that.
I was really excited about Valentines day! I had this whole idea that I wanted to write about it, yet I didn't have time to, but I'm really happy because in my country (Colombia) valentines day is celebrated in September and it is called (el dia del Amor y Amistad) the day of friendship and love! So, since I don't have a romantic interest at the moment to give my love to, I decided that I had to give all this love that I have inside of me, to all of my friends, the once that are constantly in my life, so I sent them cards in the mail. I got some chocolate from my work husband and I got a beautiful gift from the lady that sells churros on the train platform! it was the most beautiful gift ever! I couldn't believe that she gave me a gift and I felt so bad, because she stands there for hours selling her churros, but I always stop and talk to her and give her a hug, because I have this deep admiration for her, she is a REAL WOMAN, one that works hard to take care of her children. Well, that nice lady who's name I do not even know, gave me a heart full of chocolate and a stuffed animal, she's so amazing!
I was sad about the fact that one specific person who I really would have loved to have sent a card to, once told me to please not send him any as he called them "surprises" in the mail because he did not want me to express myself to him or show him any gestures of kindness. While his request was a bit foreign to me and at first I was upset by his request, I decided that I wanted to be respectful of people's wishes and opted to not send the card. I had to explain to my daughter who absolutely loves him and was who actually suggested us sending him a card, that he was too busy to receive mail, so we would not be able to send him a card. I would have really liked to have sent him one, but sometimes in life, we have to understand others, no matter how strange their request may seem.
Other than that journal I don't have anything else to report at the moment. No sexual escapades, no secret affairs, no sneaking around with a married men, no lesbian affairs, no drunk dialing, no stealing from others, no severely lusting over anyone...
GOSH! What a boring life!
Tata!!! I love you sweet ever so faithful journal!
I leave you with Janet.....
Again - Janet Jackson.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmdIU4QOpEk
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