I was really angry earlier, but then as I began to think about the situation and decided to deal with it in a loving way, I became happy again and realized that I would not take it personal. I am currently listening to an audio book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and without even finishing it, I already found value in this amazing book (thank you Benjamin Nunez) he is the one that read and wrote about the book on his blog and the reason why I wanted to read it. Anyway, this post isn't about the book, but I hope to share some insight about it, the moment I am done reading it, because so far I love it!
One of the things the book talks about, is how you should be IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD! I have been trying to be impeccable with my word for a long time even before I began listening to this audio book, I have always said, that our word should be our bond, so, because someone did something to me that I felt was very hurtful and I told him that I was going to share that information on my blog, I am left with no choice but to do so.
Below are two letters that I wrote to that individual, who I thought was my friend for the last seven months, he and I were friends before anything else (or so I thought) and because I got to know him enough were I felt that he was someone I could see myself having something special with and someone I trusted, I wrote him the letters below and instead of him a nearly 36 year old man, sitting down with me and discussing this with me like an adult because we see each other at least once a week, he instead took the letters I wrote to him, showed them to a woman he is currently seeing and sent me a text to let me know that she was not happy about the letters.
Clearly, I felt very sad, not sad that he didn't feel the same way about me, but sad that someone I truly respected, who I value tremendously, someone who I felt I could trust, turned around and showed something so personal to someone he probably just started seeing, because just last month, he told me he was not seeing nor did he want to date anyone. So, he either lied about the fact that he wasn't seeing anyone, or he showed my letters to another woman he just met, but either way, I see that as someone who needs to feel important, so he almost did that in my opinion, so this girl could get jealous because "someone wants her man."
When I met him, he told me his ex girlfriend was "stalking him" when he said that, I felt compassion for his ex girlfriend, I also thought to myself, that, that was a bit arrogant and later spoke to him about that, he apologized for saying that, through out our friendship, I never really asked questions about his past girlfriends, because I don't want to get to know people based on their past relationships, there are so many other ways to get to know someone, there are so many topics to talk about. Also, as a woman I understand how devastating it can be to loose someone you love, I never once felt any sort of jealousy when this individual mentioned any other woman, maybe I didn't feel that way because I am very confident, I understand finally, that if someone rejects me, it's not because of me, it's because of them.
Anyway, this is all my fault because he had already said no to me before, but I was thinking so much about him the other night, that I sent him the message to ask him to reconsider, mostly, because a lot of things have changed that I felt might have kept him from wanting to try to have some sort of emotional bond with me, but also, because when I like someone, I am not afraid of sharing that information, what is wrong with people? you should be HONORED! that someone thinks your amazing, just today someone told me he would love to be with me and my response was WOW! I am so flattered and I truly was, this guy thinks that I am awesome and that makes me feel really good, I treated him with the up most love and respect, because he thinks I am amazing and he wanted to be with me. Instead of treating someone who likes you romantically badly, you should treat them with respect, me liking you means I think your an amazing human being and in my eyes you are worth it, so, why would you treat someone that thinks your worth it, badly? I JUST DON'T GET IT!
Below are the two letters, they are no longer personal. They are no longer personal, because they were intended to be for him, but he shared them with someone else, violating my trust, and therefore, these letters are now for all too see.... Dear Journal, I give you me....
Letter Number 1
Dear: SMD
I always find inspiration in what I am feeling. I wasn't going to send you this, but until I find someone who truly deserves me and someone who will be ever so happy that I am writing him beautiful poems, I might as well give credit where credit is due. Thinking of you made me feel inspired, so I wrote. You told me that you felt weird about someone writing about you without you knowing, well now you know that I do, I have done so quite a few times, this one I really like. I hope you will also.
My mind and heart are conflicted and I am so grateful that I am not true to my heart anymore, I used to believe that we should listen to our hearts, but in my life, my heart has led me to some difficult times and deep heart ache, now, I just try to listen and believe that everyone tells me the truth, that their word is their bond and I do not allow my heart to guide me and see things where there are none. You looked well rested on Saturday night, I hope your doing really well!
What I am writing to you and texting you, I would say to your face, I have nothing to hide. I have always been honest to you so why stop now, whenever I see you and sit with you to chat, I always leave feeling sad, sad that we can't be not even friends, because I don't know how to lie to myself or others, so yes, maybe before I kept thinking that we could start from scratch, but that probably wouldn't work, I would probably get too emotional about it and do impulsive things to push you away because I'm so scared.
And regardless if you say you don't feel anything, your eyes tell me everything I need to know, because our eyes always give us away. But regardless of what you may feel, the fact still remains that you said no, for whatever your reasons may be and therefore I have to be respectful of your wishes.
I feel happy that I am always honest and that when I told you that I was going to move, that was truly my plan, but now, right before my eyes, my plans have been shattered and now I have to make the best of my true situation, lucky that I always have a plan A, B and C your right, maybe I do need to stop being such a dreamer :'(
My impulses get me in trouble in that I say things without thinking them through I throw ideas out there and then the receiver goes.... OMG! WHAT THE HELL! I am impulsive and I told you to give me a chance and you went and over analyzed everything I said and I can only imagine how you created this whole life in your mind of how it would be if you said yes. Why is it that as we get older we become more and more complicated? I wish you were impulsive, I wish you would impulsively just try, I wish you could see what I have always seen.
I'm not trying to change your mind, I don't ever want someone to give me things they don't want to, I can't wait until I like someone else, it takes me a while but I am sure at some point I will. Sometimes I wish so bad that the guy I love in that other state, would tell me he wants to move to NY and be with me, but we don't even talk anymore. I also have realized that maybe all the things he told me where lies, I never even saw him for gods sake! they have a show called catfish about people that meet people on line and lie about everything! but since I am so honest and caring I can't believe someone would do that, but people do. You should look up that show on MTV it's crazy! my sister told me about it the other day, and all of a sudden I was like OMG! IMAGINE!. Imagine he is a total fraud? that would mean that I am a total looser.... I'm so depressed, because he seems so genuine and nice and I didn't even like him at first, he was some random person I ended up talking to without any sort of intentions. But even in person, people lie, make up stories, say things to get into your pants, and everyone is just all over the place, it's crazy! This is EXACTLY why I don't date! I'm so glad that I don't!
Letter Number 2 - I sent this one a few minutes after because I felt that I had not been completely honest with my intentions
Dear SMD:
Wait, I want to be clear about something so it doesn't leave you wondering.
I do like you so much (romantically)
I do want you to reconsider without being judgmental of yourself and me just letting it be.
I don't want an answer via email or txt or anything like that, I just want you to think about it without over analyzing and over thinking or thinking to much ahead
I would probably want to start from scratch, but a place where we are on the same page, including if that place means just friends but knowing that we like each other and we would have to both know that it would lead to something more (please don't think two years from now!) this is the only true moment we have (keep that in mind)
I can't have sex with you (or anyone else for that matter) so that would not be an option, this isn't about sex or anything physical, although It would obviously be at some point
I don't expect an answer, I don't even think I am asking for one, but I just needed to tell you all of this because I have been thinking about you so much, like you are truly the only real thing (sort of) that has happened to me in a long time and I did so many things to discourage you, but almost unintentionally, just being honest got me in to so much trouble. And yes, maybe I could sit with every morning looking beautiful trying to remind you what it is about me that made you want to stop and wait for me that first time we sat and talked (and get you to want me sexually) but I want someone to want me for who I am, not for what I can give (sexually) or for any other reason other than they feel a genuine connection to me, one that is almost spiritual one that it's almost uncontrollable. I know we both felt some sort of way, It was powerful and never intentional.
If you ever decide (I hope not to late) and you only you know how/ what to do, as I don't know. I think that we could have some kind of wonderful thing, I don't know where it would take us, but I know that for whatever amount of time we would have it, I would always make sure it will be magical! and believe me SM, you deserve me just as much as I deserve you!
I always try to tell myself you are this horrible stupid man that just wanted to get into my pants because that is what you do, I even tell myself that I am this horrible woman that just wanted to sleep with you, but even if that was all true at first, I don't think you would have tolerated so much, I don't think I would of tolerated so much. I just can't believe that you are truly that horrible person or that I am that horrible person.
Maybe you are seeing someone or have someone, but I just needed to tell you all of this. This is exactly why I try not to see you! except even when I try not too, there you are! almost as if something puts you in my path, it 's truly weird and I don't care if you say it's a coincidence, we NEVER saw each other before, why now, we always run into each other, I don't understand it, maybe you do.
I'm sorry to bother you today. It might be the rain, I'm leaving to school now. see you soon probably....
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Journal:
When I feel sad, I just want to go somewhere and dance, I will definitely do that tomorrow.... I'll leave you with Michael...
Off the Wall - Michael Jackson
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