Is he REAL?....CATFISH

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together. There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you."  ~ Anonymous

Dear Journal - 

The other day, I was talking to my sister telling her how much I missed AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and how all my plans have been changed and how I might not meet him in person any time soon, or if I ever even will.  I started telling her how I always wanted to do the right thing by him and how I had tried being an understanding person with him and yet he was not acting right with me.  

Then her and I began to talk about the fact that it is so strange that I feel this strong connection to someone I have never seen in person and after I tell her that, she starts telling me that my story sounds like the stories of a show she had been meaning to tell me about called CATFISH (a show on MTV) and tells me that this show, is about exactly what I am going through, it is about people that meet on line, they establish a connection, they fall in love and then sometimes, one of the two ends up being a fraud.  When she told me about that, (I don't watch television, so I did not know about it) I automatically thought holly molly! What if this is the case with me??? of course, I wouldn’t be surprised because honestly, these things only happen to me! like seriously, all sorts of crazy things happen to me because I am an adventurer who is comfortable just trying all sorts of things! So yeah, why wouldn’t it happen to me?

After she told me that, we both said simultaneously... IMAGINE! and then proceeded to make up stories about who he might really be! What if he is the “roof top killer!” (quote from the movie you’ve got mail) what if he is really really gross! what if he is this and what if he is that??? and then all of a sudden it dawned on me, it dawned on me that sometimes in life we can be in a relationship with someone, and over night, they change! Has that ever happened to you? like you are with someone and one day you look at them and you are like…. Who are you? we are in constant motion and therefore we are in constant change, we change because we are supposed to, it’s that simple.  

Sometimes and this has happened to me, you meet someone, you start seeing them, they tell you one thing about themselves and the next thing you know, you start finding out that the things they told you were lies, that they make up stories, that they are fake and then your like, what the hell! So basically, the point I am trying to make here, is that although many people are really judgmental about on line dating, what people don’t seem to realize, is that people can lie to you to your face, people will flip on you in a second, people change, people are people and we have to understand that nothing is perfect and live knowing that we have to trust only in ourselves and that if we give our trust to others and they betray it, it is their loss, you worry about yourself, if they lie, that is on them.  

So, after thinking about the fact that AJ may be a total fraud, I  decided that I still love him the same way, I fell for the idea of the person he acted like he was, if I do meet him one day and he is not that person, I will feel really sad, but not for me, I will feel really sad for him, because that only means that he isn’t well mentally, that he has low self esteem, maybe it means that he has a personality disorder.  Yes, I would still love him even more, I would love him with compassion, I would maybe be very hurt that he lied, but I would forgive him, I would still be there for him if he needed me, I would still want to stay his friend forever like we said we would.

I have not spoken to him now in 22 days, but who is counting and I am not sure if he reads my blog, he knows I have it, but I am not sure if he reads it, but, if he does, I don’t intend on being part of that show CATFISH, because I would feel really strange, but if he reads my journal and he reads this post, I want him to know that I love him no matter who he is and that if he isn’t who he said he was, then I want to help him.  Let me help you be better, tell me what I need to do to help my friend that I love.  Yes, I may even be  in love with him as well, but that is secondary, that is not as important as the love I have for him as a human being, of the love that I know I am supposed to give to all people.  At this point, it doesn’t matter to me anymore because we don’t speak much and our relationship has not been romantic in nature for a really long time.  Regardless however, we both felt a certain closeness, we both shared very intimate thoughts and feelings, he made me want to be better, he made me want to sing, dance, write, draw.  Not many people make me feel those things.  So, if he is not who he says he is, at the end of the day, it was his loss, because I never lied about who I am and therefore, he looses out.

I know that sometimes it appears as though I am all over the place in terms of what I want, who I want.  I am not, I know who I want, I want him, but the circumstances in our lives never allowed that to happen, so, I am only trying to do what I am supposed to do and that is to move on.  In trying to move on, I had asked someone else if we could start some sort of romantic relationship, he said no, so what else am I supposed to do? I must move on.  I am not going to wait around for people anymore the way I once did, I am determined that I will not allow the same thing that happened to me with Benjamin Nunez http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I got so stuck on him, that I was alone years and years, pushing people away, disrespecting people, disregarding people, disregarding myself and my needs.  I wanted to get over him completely before being with someone else, but what I have learned is, that although you have to give yourself some space to heal, you also have to give others a chance, because that is the only way you can truly let go.  Without meaning to, I gave AJ a chance, I became his friend and the next thing I knew, we both felt all sorts of things, it was amazing and in my heart I know it is real, even if I never saw him.  

Unfortunately, I am going to do something that I never like to, but I am going to keep it moving.  I don't know who I will begin to date, or when, but I do know that I am really looking forward to giving all my time to one special man and although I do not want to get married anytime soon, I can still love someone and give him all this love I have to give, write him poems, songs, sing to him, draw him pictures, surprise him with little gifts, get sexy underwear to look good for him, do all the fun things I know how to do to keep my relationship interesting.  I cannot wait! because I am certain that I am no longer going to feel afraid, I am no longer going to let fear take control of my life.  No, I will not date just anyone and yes, it may take a few tries, but I am no longer going to wait around for anyone, not like I did for Benjamin, Benjamin, who five years later, never came.

So, I hope that one day, I do meet AJ, I hope that he is who he said he was.  But regardless, I am at least happy that I am not afraid to try, to think outside the box, to open up to others, because if nothing else, getting to know him, helped me to truly and finally move on from Benjamin and although it took spending time with a third person to realize that I am missing out on wonderful things by not being involved with someone, at least now I know that I am ready, and that it won't be over night, but that all these things had to happen, for me to be ready, for me to let go of the fear that I had for so long.  I love where I am right now, I love how I feel, It's not a feeling of, I have to be with the first person that comes along, but more like, wow, the sky is the limit as far as men are concerned, like wow, I can actually imagine things with just one person, like wow, this is going to be fun.  I love how everyone has a shot, a fair shot, not like before that I just didn't care.  And although I am not rushing, I am open to this new adventure, I am looking forward to it as well.

Below is the link to the MTV show, the creator had an experience where he met someone that lied, but he loved her so much as a person, that he forgave her and they are still good friends.  We live and we learn.

http://www.mtv.com/shows/catfish/series.jhtml