"My true love for them will last until the day I take my last breath" ~ Jazzy
Dear Journal:
My abnormal psychology professor, who was not only a professor but also a Therapist, once told the class that marriage was more of a burden for women, than for men. She explained that the reason why women freak out before their weddings and become bridezilla's, it's because below the surface, below the fact that we women are as men say "drama queens" and supposedly "so emotional" (since men supposedly have no feelings) there are deep fears in women, that becoming wives is an extremely difficult job. Aside from being a wife, we will be mothers and caregivers and have careers and have to take care of the home, have to make sure that we stay looking young and beautiful so that our man won't want to stray and do all of this trying to stay cool calm and collective! WHAT THE FUCK!! just writing all of that made me sick to my stomach! WOMEN ARE AMAZING!!!!!!
So, yes men can act like marriage is such a big deal and they are giving up their freedom and they won't be able to hang with their boys as much, and of course the really good men will be worried about the new financial responsibility (although usually in marriage the responsibility is on both individuals) but at the end of the day, MARRIAGE IS A BIGGER BURDEN FOR WOMEN! now, please don't think that I am saying that there aren't those few extraordinary men out there that go all out for their women, the ones that help care for the children, the ones that take an active roll in the home, the ones that don't care to change up rolls and be supportive to their career oriented wife or the ones that love their wife unconditionally and won't ever stray because they are true to the woman they decided to commit to for the rest of their lives. But in general, this is how it really is and I am not saying this just cause, I'm saying this because this is what my professor taught us, her basing all this information on the fact that she is a professional who for a living listens to people who are going through difficulties in their marriages or are about to get married and go to her for advice because they are seeking some guidance. Therapist are truly awesome! so, there clearly has to be some validity to what she taught us and I can totally and completely relate to what she said, because I have been married and know all to well, that being a wife and a mother was not an easy task. And yes, I would totally get married again because I think marriage is beautiful and amazing if you are married to the right person. But, marriage is a whole lot of work for a woman, a good woman that is.
But this post isn't intended at me criticizing marriage or giving my ideas about it or about what it means to be a wife bla bla bla. Actually, I have no idea when I got sidetracked from what I was going to write.... (there she goes again on a tangent!).... Actually, this post is intended to be about my true loves, my three children, specifically my oldest son. While I do not like to write about my children much because I don't want them to be upset at me because I'm divulging their private lives, I feel like I need to write about this one specific thing because I think it is important and it is also something that is affecting me very much and I want to put it out there, in case there are others who go through these same sorts of trials and tribulations when it comes to their own kids.
So my son is already 18 and therefore in the eyes of certain laws he is an adult and therefore he can sign medical papers but can't drink. Things like that just piss me off! go fight a war! but don't drink! Don't get me started! that's a whole other post. What I want to write about here and I think that's where the whole marriage woman thing all comes into play, is that out of all the roles that I play in my life, the most difficult most challenging role I play is the role of a mother.
Being a mother is so much fun and so easy when your kids are babies, when your kids are well... little kids, but then one day they all of a sudden have a mind of their own and in that moment you are like WHAT THE FUCK!!! at that point it is so crazy you have no idea what the hell your doing anymore, but mostly, you are hoping and praying that what you did do all along you did it right! because if you didn't do it right, it is going to start to show, because your kids will show it. But for me it is never about "what will people say" because I quite honestly have never given a damn what people think or thought of me (nobody gives me anything) so they can think whatever they want to. Actually, if I gave a damn I wouldn't write this journal. For me it's more about, will my child be ok? did I do a good job? was it good enough so that he can handle this mean cruel world? if I am gone tomorrow, is he/she going to be able to manage? and then, you have to try to do all of this, without having some sort of manual to tell you the steps on how to do it and god knows I wasn't the best teen in the world, nor was I one of the best young adult role models either, so I can't look to my own past to try to teach my children, because I don't want them going through or doing any of the things that I did when I was younger. So, how do you do this? what do you do? how do you make it happen? did I do ok?
So, last night I am talking to my oldest child who was about to go out and I'm asking him all sorts of questions and he became very irritated with me, he started telling me how he never does this never does that yet here I am complaining and acting as if he is a child, but then, what he said next was really what got me and what I think was one of the most dreaded words I did not want to hear. He said, mom, DON'T YOU TRUST ME? and in that moment I felt really bad, because I was making him feel as if I did not trust him, when in fact, what I did not trust was myself, I did not trust myself enough in that I didn't know if I did a good enough job, did I raise him right? did I do ok? PLEASE! is my baby ready for this cruel world full of all sorts of things??? He is so kind and loving and amazing, I only want him to go out there and continue to be that, I don' t want anything or anyone to change him, so all my questions weren't intended to sound like a line of questioning or because I didn't trust him, It was just to calm my own insecurities, to calm my own nerves about the fact that my son was going out to party and I am not used to that because he barely does. I do trust him, I just don't trust me, I don't trust that Jazzy did a good enough job, I only hope I did.
Anyway, the other day I was crying all day because both my boys told me they did not like the fact that I called them "my love" and I went to work that day feeling like crap and told my male co-workers about it and they assured me that it was a phase that boys go through but that they would get over it and come back to me. Well they better! because I don't know how to live without my babies and them growing up is very hard for me, I feel like I am holding on to them for dear life and I know this isn't a good thing, but I have worked so hard for them, I want them to be happy, I will do anything for them they are my truest loves, they are my definition of pure love. So, you can imagine how I felt the next day after they saw how sad I was about the fact that I wasn't able to call them "my love" anymore and they both came back to me and said I could go back to calling them that, I WAS SOOOOO HAPPY! YAY! I know! I'm such a drama queen! but hey! these are my boys! they ARE my true loves!
So yeah journal, motherhood has proven to be the hardest job in the world! I can't deny that I am looking forward to the day they both get married and taken care of by their respective wives, because the truth is...... MEN NEED TO BE TAKEN CARE OF LIKE LITTLE BABIES! NO MATTER HOW OLD THEY ARE! and I didn't say this, MY PROFESSOR DID! I JUST AGREED!
I feel bad for my sons future wives, if they are going to look for someone like me to marry, these women better be ready to spoil their man!
The drawing below is by one of my favorite artist, her name was Kathe Kollwitz. Her work is very dark, as it depicts her sorrow after loosing a child. I can't even imagine! TRUE LOVE.....
Check out her story if your interested, she was amazing!
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