Dear Journal:
For my creative writing class I have to write 5 poems to turn in. We had our first discussion on Wednesday about what poems are and what makes a poem a poem and at the end of the lecture I still wasn't sure what a poem is. To me however, a poem is the words that I write when I think of something or someone and the words just come into my heart and flow onto paper or a computer almost without me thinking, the words just begin to flow. I call that, being in the moment, in that moment when I am one with my heart, my soul, my mind in those moments of complete love I can write a poem.
It doesn't happen all the time but it happens. I need to feel inspired by something or someone, so I need to think of how I am going to find inspiration to write these 5 poems because I want them to be really good, I want them to be really meaningful, but most of all I want to write them with love. And although these poems don't necessarily have to be about romantic love, actually when I say I want to feel inspired by someone, it doesn't necessarily have to be someone romantic, it can be anyone but the poems have to be written with love, because when I write with loving thoughts then things come out better, although when I write in anger the stuff I write is pretty good also, but I don't like to be angry, so I will shoot for writing with love. I wrote a poem for my daughter the other day, just by thinking of her deeply, and thinking of how much I love her in that moment I felt completely inspired. That's what I mean, I need to learn how to find within me true inspiration by using the love I feel for all things.
Life is pretty ok lately, I haven't spoken to AJ in 33 days. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I'm not counting really I'm not! 33 days and yet I still miss him every single day, it's just ridiculous at this point, I keep thinking that I forgot exactly what it is that I miss, perhaps I miss the fact that he is selfish to the point that when we spoke again and I told him that seeing as he has found himself another woman, the best thing for me to do was to also move on, and me telling him that upset him. So basically I am supposed to sit around and wait for someone to decide they want to come back to me. People are so funny sometimes, I bet I can study psychology for the rest of my life and still I will never get it, I don't get it at all.
I was trying to think about what it was exactly that I missed about him and I realized that what I miss is I guess knowing that someone gives me what I give them, like the fact that I trusted that I could feel what I felt and it was ok because he felt it also. I think what happens is that we begin to trust and allow ourselves to give someone our hearts and if they are also giving us theirs it's cool, but when they don't or they take theirs away, it's tough. I love him very much and yes I will admit that I was falling in love or sort of fell a little in love with him, enough that I no longer thought about Benjamin and that is awesome, but I think what also happened is that I was sort of seeing him as my way out of here, my escape from this place that I no longer love or maybe leaving here meant finally getting away from Benjamin, finally letting go, but come to find out, all I needed was to give someone new a chance, the chance I gave AJ to really really let go of Benjamin.
Of course the other problem is that when I like one person I am not capable of really liking another because I never really like anyone, is that me being picky? but why should I settle? I'm not in a rush, so why just be with anyone? I don't think that makes much sense, I think that's sort of desperate, I never want to be with one person to forget another, I never want to lay in bed with a man while I think of someone else and pretend that I am there with him, when my mind is somewhere else, I can't be fake that way, I don't think it's fair. Just because you have someone's body, doesn't necessarily mean you have that persons mind and heart and quite honestly, I think that is exactly what AJ does, he lays in bed with his woman thinking of me and she can tell, the reason why I know this is because he told me she was weary of me. Can you imagine? she fights against me and I have never even seen him in person, she fights me for his love when we have never shared a kiss, but that is how powerful feelings can be. I did that before, I was in bed with my significant other thinking and wishing he was someone else, actually I would be there with my significant other thinking of someone else and sometimes even cry while my significant other slept, that is horrible, it's the worst feeling in the world. I will never do that to myself or someone else again, I call that living in a lie and I refuse to lie.
I hope that the San Francisco 49'rs win the Super Bowl, because my ex the one I used to cry for while in the arms of my significant other is a fan of them and I always remember him fondly and send him good wishes on his new life with his new wife, I will always love him as a good friend, someone who touched my life in a positive way and although we couldn't be together, I know that what we shared was real and special, that was so many years ago, it was really hard getting over him.
Anyway, I just went from one thought to another on some crazy tangent. But back to AJ, so he lays in bed with one woman thinking of me and that just seems stupid, I know why he does it, I understand that distance separates us and that the connection we once shared is now broken, I understand that he is trying to move on with his life and I understand that I need to move on with mine, but sometimes on Saturday afternoons when the sun is shinning outside my window, I wonder how he is doing and my heart feels sad, I miss knowing how he is doing and I miss hearing him laugh but I am happy that I understand all of this and that I also understand that I have to let those feelings go and be happy with the way things are for me right now.
I am not dating or talking to anyone, I don't even talk to people on line or go on dates or do anything, I am taking a break from the opposite sex and just letting go of old feelings that don't serve me any good purpose and that feels really good, being with me feels pretty awesome, I feel as if I am in a cocoon waiting for the Spring so that I can come out like a butterfly, free at last from all the sad feelings that were brought into my life during the past few months.
OH! how I wish for you to be here my beautiful SPRING!
For my creative writing class I have to write 5 poems to turn in. We had our first discussion on Wednesday about what poems are and what makes a poem a poem and at the end of the lecture I still wasn't sure what a poem is. To me however, a poem is the words that I write when I think of something or someone and the words just come into my heart and flow onto paper or a computer almost without me thinking, the words just begin to flow. I call that, being in the moment, in that moment when I am one with my heart, my soul, my mind in those moments of complete love I can write a poem.
It doesn't happen all the time but it happens. I need to feel inspired by something or someone, so I need to think of how I am going to find inspiration to write these 5 poems because I want them to be really good, I want them to be really meaningful, but most of all I want to write them with love. And although these poems don't necessarily have to be about romantic love, actually when I say I want to feel inspired by someone, it doesn't necessarily have to be someone romantic, it can be anyone but the poems have to be written with love, because when I write with loving thoughts then things come out better, although when I write in anger the stuff I write is pretty good also, but I don't like to be angry, so I will shoot for writing with love. I wrote a poem for my daughter the other day, just by thinking of her deeply, and thinking of how much I love her in that moment I felt completely inspired. That's what I mean, I need to learn how to find within me true inspiration by using the love I feel for all things.
Life is pretty ok lately, I haven't spoken to AJ in 33 days. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I'm not counting really I'm not! 33 days and yet I still miss him every single day, it's just ridiculous at this point, I keep thinking that I forgot exactly what it is that I miss, perhaps I miss the fact that he is selfish to the point that when we spoke again and I told him that seeing as he has found himself another woman, the best thing for me to do was to also move on, and me telling him that upset him. So basically I am supposed to sit around and wait for someone to decide they want to come back to me. People are so funny sometimes, I bet I can study psychology for the rest of my life and still I will never get it, I don't get it at all.
I was trying to think about what it was exactly that I missed about him and I realized that what I miss is I guess knowing that someone gives me what I give them, like the fact that I trusted that I could feel what I felt and it was ok because he felt it also. I think what happens is that we begin to trust and allow ourselves to give someone our hearts and if they are also giving us theirs it's cool, but when they don't or they take theirs away, it's tough. I love him very much and yes I will admit that I was falling in love or sort of fell a little in love with him, enough that I no longer thought about Benjamin and that is awesome, but I think what also happened is that I was sort of seeing him as my way out of here, my escape from this place that I no longer love or maybe leaving here meant finally getting away from Benjamin, finally letting go, but come to find out, all I needed was to give someone new a chance, the chance I gave AJ to really really let go of Benjamin.
Of course the other problem is that when I like one person I am not capable of really liking another because I never really like anyone, is that me being picky? but why should I settle? I'm not in a rush, so why just be with anyone? I don't think that makes much sense, I think that's sort of desperate, I never want to be with one person to forget another, I never want to lay in bed with a man while I think of someone else and pretend that I am there with him, when my mind is somewhere else, I can't be fake that way, I don't think it's fair. Just because you have someone's body, doesn't necessarily mean you have that persons mind and heart and quite honestly, I think that is exactly what AJ does, he lays in bed with his woman thinking of me and she can tell, the reason why I know this is because he told me she was weary of me. Can you imagine? she fights against me and I have never even seen him in person, she fights me for his love when we have never shared a kiss, but that is how powerful feelings can be. I did that before, I was in bed with my significant other thinking and wishing he was someone else, actually I would be there with my significant other thinking of someone else and sometimes even cry while my significant other slept, that is horrible, it's the worst feeling in the world. I will never do that to myself or someone else again, I call that living in a lie and I refuse to lie.
I hope that the San Francisco 49'rs win the Super Bowl, because my ex the one I used to cry for while in the arms of my significant other is a fan of them and I always remember him fondly and send him good wishes on his new life with his new wife, I will always love him as a good friend, someone who touched my life in a positive way and although we couldn't be together, I know that what we shared was real and special, that was so many years ago, it was really hard getting over him.
Anyway, I just went from one thought to another on some crazy tangent. But back to AJ, so he lays in bed with one woman thinking of me and that just seems stupid, I know why he does it, I understand that distance separates us and that the connection we once shared is now broken, I understand that he is trying to move on with his life and I understand that I need to move on with mine, but sometimes on Saturday afternoons when the sun is shinning outside my window, I wonder how he is doing and my heart feels sad, I miss knowing how he is doing and I miss hearing him laugh but I am happy that I understand all of this and that I also understand that I have to let those feelings go and be happy with the way things are for me right now.
I am not dating or talking to anyone, I don't even talk to people on line or go on dates or do anything, I am taking a break from the opposite sex and just letting go of old feelings that don't serve me any good purpose and that feels really good, being with me feels pretty awesome, I feel as if I am in a cocoon waiting for the Spring so that I can come out like a butterfly, free at last from all the sad feelings that were brought into my life during the past few months.
OH! how I wish for you to be here my beautiful SPRING!
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