Last week while I was in Omaha, Nebraska, I was hanging out with my extraordinary girlfriends in our hotel room and one of them, Swansti (that's the pet name I gave her) was very upset with me. But after we kissed and made up (literally we hugged and cried together) my other girlfriends left us alone in the hotel room and her and I laid down in our respective beds (me with a hangover, her just tired from walking) and we began discussing what all girls discuss when they are alone with their girlfriends in a hotel room. We started talking about boys. In particular, we were talking about the boys of her and my past and about relationships and being loyal and faithful.
I'm not really sure why we even began the conversation of loyalty and being faithful. I think it was something to do with this man that I had met that was on a business trip with his co-workers and he was married. I didn't meet him like him trying to pursue me or anything like that, we were just all hanging out talking in the hotel bar the night before with (Cris) the HOT bartender who I absolutely loved! but that's a whole other blog post! oh and not to get side tracked but Cris was HOT and faithful to his girl, he told us this!. So it was the married guy, myself my girlfriends and the married guys co-workers and the HOT bartender. And I think that might of been why Swansti and I started talking about loyalty and being faithful. Regardless, I said to her one of my favorite phrases that I made up. I told her, Swansti, to me, FAITHFUL IS A FEELING!
Now I will not sit here and act like I am the biggest angel that walked the earth, because I have cheated on people I was with in the past. I have, and when I did, everyone in the world found out about it. But what people didn't know, was that in actuality, what looked like me cheating, really was not cheating at all. I can honestly say, that I have never when I have been in a serious relationship with someone, cheated on them, on a long term basis (like going around having a second relationship on the side) I did cheat, but when I did, I broke off my relationship and admitted what I did immediately. The only time I honestly went around and cheated left and right was when I was with my oldest son's father. When I say cheating, I don't mean that I would sleep around with other men behind his back, what I did do was, I would kiss other guys.
If you have read my blog in the past, I am sure that by now you have read about my love of kissing. I love it, it is awesome! but after him and I broke up and years went by, my guilt that I had carried around for cheating, led me to one day sit with him and tell him about all the dirt I had done behind his back, by then of course, him and I were friends and there were no feelings between us. I explained to him that I had cheated on him all those times, because I knew that he would cheat on me, and to me, that was a way of getting back at him. Of course I was only 20 years old and back then I thought that by cheating and creating within me these guilty feelings, I was "getting him back" but in actuality, I was not doing any of the sorts. What I was actually doing was, one, I was hurting myself because I was doing these things to get revenge even though he would not know about it and two, I was being taken as a joke and being thought of as a slut by the people I was doing the cheating with. These other guys knew I had a boyfriend. When I think back on that, I can't even believe I did those things, what the hell was I thinking? ultimately, what I did was carry around all those guilty feelings for years. So much so, that I was not able to let go of the guilt, until I told him years later. All I did by cheating on him, was create baggage within me. Me kissing other people served no purpose to my soul and my revenge was useless.
As I got older and began to get to know myself better, I decided that I would never cheat again and so instead, whenever I was in a relationship and felt during the relationship, like I could actually go out and kiss someone else just cause, that would trigger in me a red light that allowed me to identify that I was no longer happy in my relationship. I always told whom ever I was in a serious relationship with, that if I ever felt the desire to cheat, I would be honest and tell them, because I refused to go around doing things behind someone's back, which in the end, would be actually hurting me.
This is why I KNOW faithful is a feeling. I consider myself a very loyal person, I don't ever want to do to others, what I do not want to be done to me and I will be honest no matter the consequence, because I rather tell the truth than get caught in a lie and then have to come up with excuses to hide my guilt. In addition look stupid in the process and like a liar. When I was married with my first husband (may his soul rest in peace) the minute I cheated on him, I never again let him touch me. I felt so horribly guilty because I knew that what I had done was wrong and I immediately broke it off with him. I knew all along that I was going to end up cheating, because I felt the desire to see other people while I was with him. I was no longer happy in my marriage and every time I would break off things with him, I would take him back because I felt bad. So, deep down inside I kind of knew, that if I cheated, that would be the only way that our marriage would end for sure, because he was a man with pride and he would not take me back after such a thing. One day though after we were separated, he told me that he didn't care that he forgave me and that he would be with me no matter what. I told him that I would be with him only if he would accept that I would probably be with other people also, because I no longer loved him and if me being by his side made him happy then he would have to accept that I would be un faithful, needles to say, we never got back together.
When I was married the second time, the same thing happened again. I was no longer happy in my marriage and I knew this for a fact, because I began to develop feelings for another man. Of course in this situation things were really different. My husband and I had a long distance relationship that I could no longer handle and I told him that I no longer loved him and the reason why I knew this was because I liked someone else. Of course, he will never tell people this, to the world, I was this horrible woman who was a cheater. But, as long as in my heart I know that I did the right thing, I am happy and no matter what anyone says it is ok with me. My soul is clean.
My confirmation to my theory that faithful is a feeling was when I fell in love with someone that did not love me back. When I fell in love with him and told him and he told me that we could only be friends because his feelings for me were only of friendship, I set out on the hardest challenge of my life to date. That challenge was to go out and be with other people almost forcing myself to do so, because every moment that I would be with someone else, knowing that I loved him, I felt really guilty about it. I almost felt as if I was cheating on my boyfriend, yet he was not that, I had never even kissed him. In actuality he was not even my friend anymore, yet there I would be with some really nice guy feeling like a cheater, because I was cheating on my feelings for him. I was always faithful in my love for him.
I honestly feel that I never really cheated on my exes. To me, cheating is when people go around behind your back having a second relationship. Yes I sort of did cheat, but I told them right away, I broke up with the person right away. Ultimately, when we cheat on someone we "love" we are only cheating ourselves. The man I loved that was only a friend, the one I never even kissed, was not aware of the things I was doing or men I was dating, why would he be? he didn't even speak to me. I was forcing myself to date other people because I needed to move on from him, to let go, yet there I would be feeling like a cheater because in my heart I knew who I loved and no matter who I kissed I was cheating on him or rather I was cheating on myself on my feelings.
If you are in a relationship with someone and you love them, then you cannot betray them. I don't care if you are a man or a woman, when you truly love someone with all your heart, you don't want anyone else and nothing or no one else will do. When I started my relationships with my two ex husbands, I didn't even see good looking men anymore, to me, no one was cute anymore or interesting or any of that, I didn't see men as anything but other people that just shared the world with me. It was like I had a blind fold on my eyes because to me, the only handsome man was the one I loved at that time. When you truly love someone with all of your heart then you are loyal to them because no one else will do. If you feel like your loyalty is forced and you are being loyal simply because you made an oath to them or because you are in a committed relationship with them, then you shouldn't be in that relationship, because then that probably means that you don't truly love that person. When someone tells me that the person they are with cheated on them, I always think to myself, then that person doesn't truly love you. I don't care that men are weak and that things happen, yes things do happen, but even in the moments that "things do happen" if they happen, it's probably because there is something wrong in the relationship. If it's so easy for you to cheat or if you don't do it simply because you are loyal to your commitment not because you feel it in your heart, then something is probably not right in your relationship. That's my opinion at least,
I have kept an eye on myself in terms of how I continue to identify and study myself regarding my thought that faithful is a feeling. I have realized that the minute I become interested in a man and I begin some sort of romantic interaction with them, all of a sudden if I really like them. Other men start not to seem that interesting anymore, it's almost as if the blindfold begins to cover my eyes. I begin to feel a sense of loyalty, but not even to the person, just to myself. If I am only seeing someone and am not in a serious relationship with them then I have the freedom and the right to do as I please. It is ok for me to see other people, yet sometimes if I do so while I actually like someone else, then I feel like I am cheating my feelings. Sometimes this isn't good because maybe the person I am developing this sense of loyalty to is not feeling the same way for me, still, that is their problem, because as long as I am true to myself about my feelings then I am good.
Maybe I am the only crazy person in this world that feels or believes that faithful is a feeling, maybe I am the only person in this world that spends time thinking about these things. But what can I tell you, I'm just a crazy chick. Oh and my friend Swansti is crazy too because after our conversation, she agreed with my theory! and this is why I love her!
I'm not really sure why we even began the conversation of loyalty and being faithful. I think it was something to do with this man that I had met that was on a business trip with his co-workers and he was married. I didn't meet him like him trying to pursue me or anything like that, we were just all hanging out talking in the hotel bar the night before with (Cris) the HOT bartender who I absolutely loved! but that's a whole other blog post! oh and not to get side tracked but Cris was HOT and faithful to his girl, he told us this!. So it was the married guy, myself my girlfriends and the married guys co-workers and the HOT bartender. And I think that might of been why Swansti and I started talking about loyalty and being faithful. Regardless, I said to her one of my favorite phrases that I made up. I told her, Swansti, to me, FAITHFUL IS A FEELING!
Now I will not sit here and act like I am the biggest angel that walked the earth, because I have cheated on people I was with in the past. I have, and when I did, everyone in the world found out about it. But what people didn't know, was that in actuality, what looked like me cheating, really was not cheating at all. I can honestly say, that I have never when I have been in a serious relationship with someone, cheated on them, on a long term basis (like going around having a second relationship on the side) I did cheat, but when I did, I broke off my relationship and admitted what I did immediately. The only time I honestly went around and cheated left and right was when I was with my oldest son's father. When I say cheating, I don't mean that I would sleep around with other men behind his back, what I did do was, I would kiss other guys.
If you have read my blog in the past, I am sure that by now you have read about my love of kissing. I love it, it is awesome! but after him and I broke up and years went by, my guilt that I had carried around for cheating, led me to one day sit with him and tell him about all the dirt I had done behind his back, by then of course, him and I were friends and there were no feelings between us. I explained to him that I had cheated on him all those times, because I knew that he would cheat on me, and to me, that was a way of getting back at him. Of course I was only 20 years old and back then I thought that by cheating and creating within me these guilty feelings, I was "getting him back" but in actuality, I was not doing any of the sorts. What I was actually doing was, one, I was hurting myself because I was doing these things to get revenge even though he would not know about it and two, I was being taken as a joke and being thought of as a slut by the people I was doing the cheating with. These other guys knew I had a boyfriend. When I think back on that, I can't even believe I did those things, what the hell was I thinking? ultimately, what I did was carry around all those guilty feelings for years. So much so, that I was not able to let go of the guilt, until I told him years later. All I did by cheating on him, was create baggage within me. Me kissing other people served no purpose to my soul and my revenge was useless.
As I got older and began to get to know myself better, I decided that I would never cheat again and so instead, whenever I was in a relationship and felt during the relationship, like I could actually go out and kiss someone else just cause, that would trigger in me a red light that allowed me to identify that I was no longer happy in my relationship. I always told whom ever I was in a serious relationship with, that if I ever felt the desire to cheat, I would be honest and tell them, because I refused to go around doing things behind someone's back, which in the end, would be actually hurting me.
This is why I KNOW faithful is a feeling. I consider myself a very loyal person, I don't ever want to do to others, what I do not want to be done to me and I will be honest no matter the consequence, because I rather tell the truth than get caught in a lie and then have to come up with excuses to hide my guilt. In addition look stupid in the process and like a liar. When I was married with my first husband (may his soul rest in peace) the minute I cheated on him, I never again let him touch me. I felt so horribly guilty because I knew that what I had done was wrong and I immediately broke it off with him. I knew all along that I was going to end up cheating, because I felt the desire to see other people while I was with him. I was no longer happy in my marriage and every time I would break off things with him, I would take him back because I felt bad. So, deep down inside I kind of knew, that if I cheated, that would be the only way that our marriage would end for sure, because he was a man with pride and he would not take me back after such a thing. One day though after we were separated, he told me that he didn't care that he forgave me and that he would be with me no matter what. I told him that I would be with him only if he would accept that I would probably be with other people also, because I no longer loved him and if me being by his side made him happy then he would have to accept that I would be un faithful, needles to say, we never got back together.
When I was married the second time, the same thing happened again. I was no longer happy in my marriage and I knew this for a fact, because I began to develop feelings for another man. Of course in this situation things were really different. My husband and I had a long distance relationship that I could no longer handle and I told him that I no longer loved him and the reason why I knew this was because I liked someone else. Of course, he will never tell people this, to the world, I was this horrible woman who was a cheater. But, as long as in my heart I know that I did the right thing, I am happy and no matter what anyone says it is ok with me. My soul is clean.
My confirmation to my theory that faithful is a feeling was when I fell in love with someone that did not love me back. When I fell in love with him and told him and he told me that we could only be friends because his feelings for me were only of friendship, I set out on the hardest challenge of my life to date. That challenge was to go out and be with other people almost forcing myself to do so, because every moment that I would be with someone else, knowing that I loved him, I felt really guilty about it. I almost felt as if I was cheating on my boyfriend, yet he was not that, I had never even kissed him. In actuality he was not even my friend anymore, yet there I would be with some really nice guy feeling like a cheater, because I was cheating on my feelings for him. I was always faithful in my love for him.
I honestly feel that I never really cheated on my exes. To me, cheating is when people go around behind your back having a second relationship. Yes I sort of did cheat, but I told them right away, I broke up with the person right away. Ultimately, when we cheat on someone we "love" we are only cheating ourselves. The man I loved that was only a friend, the one I never even kissed, was not aware of the things I was doing or men I was dating, why would he be? he didn't even speak to me. I was forcing myself to date other people because I needed to move on from him, to let go, yet there I would be feeling like a cheater because in my heart I knew who I loved and no matter who I kissed I was cheating on him or rather I was cheating on myself on my feelings.
If you are in a relationship with someone and you love them, then you cannot betray them. I don't care if you are a man or a woman, when you truly love someone with all your heart, you don't want anyone else and nothing or no one else will do. When I started my relationships with my two ex husbands, I didn't even see good looking men anymore, to me, no one was cute anymore or interesting or any of that, I didn't see men as anything but other people that just shared the world with me. It was like I had a blind fold on my eyes because to me, the only handsome man was the one I loved at that time. When you truly love someone with all of your heart then you are loyal to them because no one else will do. If you feel like your loyalty is forced and you are being loyal simply because you made an oath to them or because you are in a committed relationship with them, then you shouldn't be in that relationship, because then that probably means that you don't truly love that person. When someone tells me that the person they are with cheated on them, I always think to myself, then that person doesn't truly love you. I don't care that men are weak and that things happen, yes things do happen, but even in the moments that "things do happen" if they happen, it's probably because there is something wrong in the relationship. If it's so easy for you to cheat or if you don't do it simply because you are loyal to your commitment not because you feel it in your heart, then something is probably not right in your relationship. That's my opinion at least,
I have kept an eye on myself in terms of how I continue to identify and study myself regarding my thought that faithful is a feeling. I have realized that the minute I become interested in a man and I begin some sort of romantic interaction with them, all of a sudden if I really like them. Other men start not to seem that interesting anymore, it's almost as if the blindfold begins to cover my eyes. I begin to feel a sense of loyalty, but not even to the person, just to myself. If I am only seeing someone and am not in a serious relationship with them then I have the freedom and the right to do as I please. It is ok for me to see other people, yet sometimes if I do so while I actually like someone else, then I feel like I am cheating my feelings. Sometimes this isn't good because maybe the person I am developing this sense of loyalty to is not feeling the same way for me, still, that is their problem, because as long as I am true to myself about my feelings then I am good.
Maybe I am the only crazy person in this world that feels or believes that faithful is a feeling, maybe I am the only person in this world that spends time thinking about these things. But what can I tell you, I'm just a crazy chick. Oh and my friend Swansti is crazy too because after our conversation, she agreed with my theory! and this is why I love her!
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