Dear Journal: I'm writing to you from my iPhone, my lap top is sick! and at the shop getting all fixed up! my poor Mac!
"Just let it be!" that's what he said! (insert sad smiley icon here)
Today I was driving home from food shopping and on my way home, I started thinking about the day that I sang a whole song on a voicemail to Benjamin. I love singing! and it isn't everyone that makes me feel the urge to sing them a song, but Benjamin, he was my love and it was that love that inspired me to want to do the things that I did. Too bad he never appreciated that pure feeling in my heart that I felt for him. I almost feel sad for him for rejecting it, for he will never know a love so true.
I often sing to my friends, my friend Lisa, may her soul rest in peace, would call me and when I would pick up the phone I would answer it singing a song to her in turn, she would always sing to me. So, some of my friends get sang to, because I love them! They will call me and I will answer my phone singing! I haven't done it as much lately, because my friends don't call me, they always text me. OH BROTHER!
But I do, I love to sing and dance, and every Saturday morning, I get up, play some music and sing and dance with my little girl! It is so much fun! We then proceed to have a bubble bath and she washes my hair and I wash hers. Having a daughter was a wish I had, that came true... Wishes do come true you know, you just have to Believe! have faith! and wish! With ALL OF YOUR HEART!
Anyway, so there I am on the Belt Parkway, admiring the Verrazano Bridge and I began to think of AJ. It has been three months since we last spoke and I miss him dearly. One night, we were on the phone, and he sang a song to me, he sang a whole song! It was the funniest cutest song I had ever heard! What he didn't know, and I never got to tell him, was that I had always wished for a man to sing to me, and therefore, AJ had made my wish come true! While he was singing, I was crying, I was overwhelmed, because I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe, that it was he who was making my wish a reality! He sang to me! and other times, he would play his guitar while we would talk on the phone. Oh journal, how I miss his love! He was so talented and wonderful! I miss my friend!
Today was emotional, I guess the most emotional part of my day, was thinking about what my friend told
me the other day, and me trying to follow his instructions. The other day, when I told him that I was scared, that I was afraid to allow people into my life in an intimate way, because that meant that I would be letting go of Benjamin forever and that felt scary. He told me a quote that I can't remember right this moment, but it is something similar to, "it is only when you leap, that you learn to fly!"
After he told me that and I took a deep breath, I decided that I would take the leap and at least try. However, if I tried, it would not be with just anyone, it would be someone that I felt that was worth me at least attempting, regardless of how scary attempting may seem.
So I proceeded to do as my good friend Pat instructed and I almost asked a man out, I mean, I didn't say something like, would you like to go out with me? But I heard myself saying things like, well, when can we hang out? I was just trying really hard to make a real effort, an effort to TRY, to allow the possibility of something special or to at least get to know someone, truly get to know someone, someone non virtual, someone that was real and in front of me. I wanted to just hang out and talk. Take it slow and attempt to allow intimacy back into my life one step at a time, because I will not rush myself or others.
However, the minute I began to ask, or attempt to, the minute I made an effort, I heard him say the phrase, "Just let it be" obviously, there was more to the conversation that led him to say those words, but I want to keep that part of the conversation, to myslelf, because it was a bit of an intimate moment and only he and I would understand the language we were speaking. However, when he said that, I translated it as... No thanks!
In that moment I felt glad that I didn't go to the extreme of actually asking, because I was being rejected, I mean I didn't officially ask him out on a date but I sort of did. I got rejected, but at the very least I felt good, because at least I am trying! I took a step that I couldn't before, I allowed a possibility to happen and that is something I have not done. I felt sad and rejected, yes! but at the same time I felt happy and proud, I am proud, because I am trying.
I am proud that I am finally taking the little steps that are required to feel like I am FINALLY, after almost 4 years, allowing myself to not be afraid, allowing myself to think that I can. And even though what happened felt hurtful, it didn't matter, because it also felt good! It felt like something real. Something that I have not experienced in years, and something, I didn't remember! Of course this means I go back into my shell, but that is ok, I'm sure that there will be someone else, one day, that will make me feel the urge to ask or maybe someone will ask me and it will be someone that I will feel toward him, the same way I feel about the person who I asked.
Anyway, I feel like all of these experiences, are preparing me for the day I climb Mount Everest (I'm not really going to climb Mount Everest, but I told someone joking that I would) and at the top of the mountain, there he will be! My knight in shinning armor!
The man that I will be able to write to, sing to, dance for, draw for and just not be afraid to give him all of me! Because he will bring out all the best in me and I will be giving him all! Not just bits and pieces! It will be so awesome!
When I came home and told my friend that I had tried and been rejected, my friend ever so wonderful told me that, that man was a fool! YES HE IS!
Thank God I'm not looking for marriage! Actually, I was telling my niece the other day, that about age 50 is a good age for me to get married! At that point, I will marry someone for real! I will have that wedding that I deserve, and I will know, that this is the man that I will spend the rest of my life, singing too and dancing for and drawing for and writing for, and baking for and cooking for and giving him, all the very best of me! because he will be the man that will truly deserve, all that I am! 50, that sounds like a decent plan! It also sounds like a good wish! And, since all my wishes come true, I know this one will too!
After all, I am Jazzy and Jazzy ALWAYS does it her way! Who said you can't have your dream wedding at 50? Where is that rule?
An eventful day indeed! Jeez! GN my sweet ever so faithful journal!
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