Dear Journal: SLOPPY SATURDAY!

"Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it." ~ Anonymous

Dear Journal:

I have to say that I am really really enjoying myself lately! The best part of enjoying myself is that I always end up having quite the story to share with you.  I seriously NEVER have a dull moment when I go out.

I had said that I was going to go into my shell for the winter and just hibernate as I have done the past few years, but then I decided, that it is very important that I maintain some balance in my life and not become “THAT WOMAN” (the one that gets into a shell and gets wrapped up in her children and school and has no social life). Instead, I want to do stuff and enjoy myself whenever possible.  Furthermore, I like being social and this whole cyber social life that I was having before, has gotten boring.   

I need to go out in the world and talk to actual people, see their smiles, feel their warmth and feel alive! The thing is, that I don’t like to go to bars and get picked up, I honestly hate that.  I don’t want to meet “the man of my dreams” (not that I have one) but I don’t want to meet men at bars, I go to bars and I try to stay away from men, because they just manage to annoy me with their lame pick up lines that I can almost recite with them.  Additionally, I HATE allowing men to buy me drinks, because then I feel like I’m stuck having to hang out with someone that I probably WON’T LIKE! I NEVER like anyone! and If I don’t like you, I NEVER WILL! I’m sorry I am picky what can I say? That’s the truth and it’s a fact! don’t waste your time on me, use that energy to try and get laid elsewhere.  Do I sound bitter?

Still, I decided that I want to go out whenever possible and dance the night away, and that is EXACTLY what I did on Saturday night! I met my two (one male one female) awesome friends for drinks at a local bar and danced like a rock star! My awesome buddy bought my friend and I each a rose and we chatted about all sorts of topics! I LOVE MY FRIENDS!

But then it happened! along came the guy that wasn’t going to at least NOT TRY to pick me up.  So he comes over to my friend and I with some lame line that I can’t remember, but says that I look intimidating like I’m the type of woman that will just knock someone one out but in a very sexy way! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN???? I must admit that people misjudge me SOOO BAD! it sort of hurts me.  I am so not the girl that will beat someone up.  I used to be, I don’t allow anyone to step all over me.  I am not someone that is out to hurt a man or anyone for that matter and definitely not out to physically harm anyone.  I try to be honest and sincere and I try my best not to mislead anyone.   

Either way, after I tried avoiding the dude for the rest of the night, at one point everyone was talking to everyone and he came back trying again, so I decided to chat with him because I didn’t want to be rude or that woman that thinks she is too good for people (which I don’t).  But I just don’t want to be bothered, REALLY! I go out to enjoy myself not to pick anyone up or get picked up.  I just want to dance dammit!

So the dude starts telling me his whole sob story which now I’m getting all into the conversation going OMG! I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! and am also thinking, dude, if you ever had a chance with me (which he never did) but if you had one and then I heard all this drama in your life, you would DEFINITELY NOT HAVE A CHANCE! 

Can I just say my dear journal that I run away from drama.  I do, because I think that drama can be avoided just by effective communication and so when I feel that effective communication isn’t possible, I just truly can’t deal.  Life can be simple, we make it crazy! By the end of the night, he and I exchanged numbers only because he was a lawyer and you never know if you need one and because he told me about something I was very interested in finding more information about.  However, later on I get all these text messages from him and a concerned phone call saying I am calling to check up on you and at that point I had to do what I felt I should of just done from the get go, I had to lie (insert sad face here) because I HATE TO LIE! But what else was I supposed to do? I sent him a txt message the next morning, because I knew he was going to start wasting his time on me and I said to him that everything was fine thank you for your concern and that the guy he had seen me with (he saw me with a friend standing by my car) was the man I was seeing (I’m not really seeing him) so he had made sure I was safe.  Well, that was the end of him! thank goodness! 

But the best part of my night was not that, the best part of my night was hanging out with my boy BF! (those are the initials to his real name) I haven’t known BF for long, but I have to say that he is the sweetest coolest guy in the whole wide world! he is my bar buddy! I seriously love hanging out with him because when I am with him, guys don’t try to pick me up and in turn, I try to meet girls to hook him up, it’s AWESOME! and a win win situation! I LOVE IT! so BF sends me a message and tells me he is coming to meet up with me, we meet up and have a few drinks, I’m talking to Mr. Lawyer hearing his sob story and he meets my other friends and everyone is just chatting the night away (Mr. lawyer interrupted my dancing!) I notice that BF got to me rather quickly and I’m like how the hell you manage to do that? so he informs me that he got his new ride.  I walk with him outside the bar, and there it is! a brand spanking new 2012 black sexy ride that is just as smooth as he! I am all excited for him and congratulate him on a job well done and we go back to party.  

Finally it’s time to go so my bud asks me if I’m hungry because he wants to go to the diner.  DUH! you don’t need to ask me twice to eat at 4:30 in the morning! So I say goodbye to my other friends and I go with my bud in his brand spanking new pimp ride and we start talking about my all time favorite topic… LOVE!

BF confides in me something that I asked him if it was ok for me to share, because I have to share such lovely story.  He told me about a girl and the whole time he was talking about her, I could not help but to notice his GLOW! Oh my God! he spoke about her with such enthusiasm, his face glowed his eyes glowed he couldn’t stop smiling and all the while, I noticed the physiological affect of love! just like in said in my book on Social Psychology and my professor taught us! I LOVE PSYCHOLOGY! all I could think was.  OH MY! I hope one day some guy will talk about me that way.   I have to say that I love when a guy talks about a woman in a wonderful way.  Men love just as much as women do, they just do it very differently.  I love this sort of stuff! maybe I should go into couples therapy?

He continues, that he has known this girl all of his life and how he knows in his heart, that she is the girl that he will pack up his bags and go wherever he needs to be just to be with her! YOU SEE! These stories do exist! It isn’t only in the movies!!! I LOVE IT!  So I am like oh cool! So you are seeing each other? And he’s like well not really, so I’m like ok! Does she know how you feel? He’s like not really! ok well, have you two ever been intimate? Well no not really.  Now I’m like, well why not? And he’s like, I don’t know how to tell her.  so I’m like, ALRIGHTY THEN! so you are ready to pick up and move out of state, for a friend that doesn’t know your plans, because you are scared to tell her? AWESOME! 

So of course he asks me for my advice and what did Jazzy say?...............

I said dude! the next time you see that woman, YOU BETTER! tell her how you feel! how will she ever know if you don’t say anything? DO NOT stay in the dangerous “friend” zone, you want to be the boyfriend/future husband, not the best man at her wedding! WHAT THE HELL! Then I told him about Stoic belief (look it up) and told him that the worst that could happen was her not feeling the same way, but at least he would know and could keep it moving.  God I wish I could take my own advice sometimes!

Fear is really really truly and impediment to one’s happiness sometimes.  I have lost out on so many wonderful things do to fear.  I struggle with my fear of commitment and love every day of my life, because I need to overcome it so that one day I can give someone wonderful my all.  I truly believe, that If you love someone, tell them! don’t wait for a year or years to pass you by living in silence.  What if the person you are loving is waiting for you to show it, or say it.  What if that person wants just that from you because they are dying to give that back to you.  It’s good to take chances, if you fall, get up, dust off and keep trying! LOVE WITHOUT FEAR!

My night ended with my buddy dropping me off in front of my building in his brand spanking new car, and me walking out of it with a big smile and holding a rose! I can only imagine what my neighbors would of thought if they saw me.  

Oh yeah, I also hyperventilated at one point after being dropped off, but that is a whole other blog post! Just know dear journal that Jazzy is working on de-crazy-ing herself, (de-crazy) made up word by me! and I shall one day be able to live a normal non-crazy life!

All in all, a most wonderful night! I LOVE THE REAL WORLD!