Whenever I talk to people about the
unmoved mover (my god) they look at me like I am crazy, so I try not to talk
about it much, as to not weird people out.
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/08/aristotles-unmoved-mover-is-also-my-god.html But, that is the truth, I believe in the unmoved mover, which to me is PURE LOVE and the magnificent,
omniscient, omnipotent, Aristotle’s explanation of God. If you know anything about me, is that I can
sit around and talk about Philosophy all day long and not get bored. I love when I am around one of my friends
that think like I do, because we can sit around and talk about that stuff for
hours, it's a pretty cool subject if you ask me.
Yesterday (Sunday September 16, 2012) I
was at my school lab from 3pm until about 9:30pm, trying to get some school
work done. After three years of
attending college, I think I finally got the schedule on point and am finally
able to manage my schedule accordingly, it is tough but by god I think I’ve got
it! So I’m sitting there and in comes my good friend (one who kept telling
me to ask my professor out a few semesters ago) and he and I, when we start talking, we can’t stop!
We both have very similar philosophies of life and him at only 19 or maybe 20
years old, constantly, blows my mind! with his intelligence!
In the spring
semester, I had to yell at him, because I felt like he was slacking off and not
working as hard as I know he can. Anyway,
yesterday, I had to tell him that he needed to leave because I HAD to study,
yet I so badly would of preferred to just chit chat with him, because he is
constantly Psycho analyzing me and I LOVE IT! He's such a great kid!
After he
leaves, I start thinking about the fact that my tenure as a Baccalaureate
degree recipient, is coming to an end pretty soon, and yet, I don’t even know
when or where during this time, did I realize that I have no idea what I am
going to do with this degree? This, that I have waited over 10 years to
accomplish, is happening it is at my reach it so close in fact, that the other
day I even received a brochure in the mail, that had graduation rings that I could
order. The brochure read:
Congratulations senior, here are some beautiful rings you can choose from! SENIOR! OH MY! I am
a college senior I CANNOT BELIEVE IT!
When I
obtained my Associates degree, I didn’t buy a ring, I didn’t go to the
graduation, I almost felt sad because in my heart I knew I wanted more, but I
also knew that I had a baby and I needed to get a job and take care of
him. Then, life happened and I had to
wait for years and years until this very day, the one where I am at now, a college
senior, yet I am feeling exactly the same way as I did back then, I have no
urge to purchase a ring, I have no crazy excited desire to go to a graduation,
I just keep thinking…. WHAT NEXT? What should I get my post-graduate degree in?
What am I trying to do here? Maybe I am in fact and over achiever like my colleague
once accused me of? Yet I don't believe I truly have accomplished anything, because I am still not where I want to be, except, I am not even sure where that is anymore. Why is it, that I am never satisfied? What do I need to do,
to feel fulfilled? And more importantly, am I the only person in this world,
that feels this way?
I then
start thinking about the fact that the reason why I go through this, is
because of one very basic thing that we all as humans need and want and that is the need for self actualization
(per Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) I am only human after all, I just want I
guess what everyone else in this world wants, yet when is it too much to ask
for? When is it time to stop and chill? When do we know that we had enough? I mean I am a go getter, but I don't consider myself ambitious, if I were, I would have lots of money or something, I would be striving to become a manager or to make a ton of money. I just want the basic things in life, I'm not money hungry. So, this
now brings me to the point I want to make in this blog post, because for once,
I actually do want to make a point and I only hope, that if anyone comes across this post, they see the point clearly and if not, PLEASE! help!
On Sunday
morning, I make a phone call and the recipient of the call picks up the phone
and I without greeting say, you need to pick up your kids, what time can you
come? On the other end of the phone, I hear him say… can you drop them off? and
what ever time you can is fine. So I
tell him yes, yada yada we hang up and I go on with my business. When I made this phone call, I was completely
happy! I really was, I was listening to music, singing and dancing as I was
getting dressed, I was all excited about the fact that I was going into school
to get my learning on and I was just thrilled!(yes, learning does make me very excited! what can I say I am weird like that!).
I then go
out with my kids, buy them some shoes and take them iver to the building where my ex lives to drop them off. I am talking to my kids, my 12 year old son and I are laughing and carrying on, I'm begging him to 'PLEASE STOP GROWING' and we are joking and laughing and I am just in the best mood ever! I was really just well..... HAPPY! I AM SERIOUS! But then
check this out.
I ring the bell, and down comes my husband (he technically is
because we are not divorced yet) and looks at me and says with a really really nasty attitude…….. STOP CALLING ME
WITH YOUR BITCH ATTITUDE! I DON’T NEED YOUR SHIT EARLY IN THE MORNING! So I am
standing there in complete shocked and I think to myself…….WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! I
cannot even begin to express, how ABSOLUTELY WRONG, that man was about “my
attitude” so I look at him and I am like, what the hell are you talking
about???? And he says…… I FUCKING KNOW YOU! I KNOW HOW YOU ARE, YOU HAD AN
ATTITUDE AND I DON’T NEED IT! so I’m like um…. OK! And I got so annoyed as I
was walking away I think I cursed at him! I can’t remember, because I was
sooooo annoyed! and I wasn't annoyed that he gave me attitude, I was annoyed that he THINKS HE KNOWS ME! HE DOES NOT! I am not the woman who
once loved him, I stopped loving him over five years ago. I have changed, but because he is no longer
truly in my life, he assumes that I am still in that place where he once knew
me or “thought” he knew me.
So, where is my point your asking yourself? My point is I guess I have two, one is that NO HE DOES NOT KNOW ME! He does not
know me at all actually, because the reality is that we NEVER REALLY KNOW
ANYONE! The reason why I know he doesn’t know me, is because I don’t even know
me anymore, and the reason why I don’t know me anymore is because, like
Aristotle says, we are not like the unmoved mover! We are NOT GODS! and therefore,
we are in constant motion, the motion that constantly changes us. Actually, in the last
few minutes while I was typing up this post, I have changed, I am a few minutes
older.
My point also is, that had I been
an effective communicator and maybe have greeted him nicely when he answered
his phone when I initially called him, then he would of assumed that I was NOT
IN BITCH MODE, basing his evaluation on the fact that I was greeting him
nicely. YES I SHOULD OF SAID GOOD
MORNING, but I was busy dancing and singing and when he said hello it caught me off guard and so I went straight
to the point. We talk like that all the time, it's always BUSINESS! he's not my friend, he's just the man who's children I have, we try to be civilized and communicate as we should, but there is nothing else there, it's BUSINESS! and yes I know that even in business you obviously have to be nice, but I AM NICE! ALWAYS! he just happened to pick up the phone while I was singing and so I wasn't paying attention and just wanted to say to him what I needed to.
So, when
someone starts to tell me that I don’t know him or her, I
almost want to always say something like, well, I doubt I will in this
lifetime, ever get to know you TRULY, because we are creatures that constantly
evolve. And, YES! PEOPLE DO CHANGE! If they make the effort too. So, if I could communicate effectively with
my “husband” he would probably notice that I am not the woman that he once
knew, I am this other human being that I actually like WAY BETTER!
I hope I
made my point. I know I go on tangents,
but I am trying to learn to express and articulate and decide, where and how I can
make this writing and philosophy and psychology, part of my future, WHAT AM I
GOING TO DO WITH THIS DEGREE???? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!
As a side
note:
I went to a
country music concert “I love ALL music” and out of the whole concert, which I
did not know the singers or their music (I went because one of my awesome
girlfriends took me) I heard this song that truly touched me deeply and I began
to cry! I LOVE MUSIC!
Ashley Monroe - The Truth
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