Loving those who defend our country!

Yesterday was September 11, 2012.  I am not going to sit here and write a blog about how sad I felt or what I did or what it meant to me remembering that day.  I will not write any of that, because I quite honestly, am CONSTANTLY reminded of that tragedy.  The reason is, that I don’t work far from the site where it all happened, so I am watching as the new buildings are going up and actually quite often take pictures of them.  I also sometimes stare at them and think to myself, that I don’t know how I would feel going in them once they are completed.

A few years ago, I started to try to practice a new discipline, a discipline which only a guru can really really really achieve, that discipline is called living in the moment, becoming one with the universe and accepting the world and taking it all in as it is.  Sometimes, I am really afraid, because as I have written before, sometimes when I am too present, it is REALLY REALLY SCARY! I almost wish I lived in denial the way I once did, because life was sort of easier, everything was just drama and chaos, that’s what we do, as human beings, we create drama and chaos, in order to not be accepting of the reality of life, and honestly, maybe it’s better that way.

But now I don’t know how to go back to being that blind person.  It is difficult and I struggle every single day, because I am as honest as humanly possible and sometimes, or maybe nearly always, my honesty gets me into all sorts of trouble, it isn’t fair!

Last night, I sat in the emergency room at a hospital with my mom, she wasn’t feeling well, while I was sitting there waiting for the doctors to tell me what was wrong, I couldn’t help but to admire all those wonderful amazing human beings, that devote their lives to saving others, to helping people, to making a difference with the work that they do, it was amazing to watch them, paying attention to them and absorbing their humanity! I was completely overwhelmed with emotions.  

There in that hospital, life was just overwhelming, I saw things for what they were, I realized that we all have an end and that any one of  those people in those beds, could be any one of the people that I love, the ones that are important to me.  Then, to get distracted and kill sometime, I went on Facebook and started going down the news feed and as I was doing so, a picture caught my attention, it was a picture of two people in the military holding a flag, as soon as I saw them, my dear awesome ex “boyfriend” Tim, came to my mind! http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/my-boyfriend-tim.html

My TIM!! I remember him telling me why he had joined the navy, how him witnessing the tragic events of 9/11 had given him the last push he needed to go through with it, how he wore his uniform with pride and how much he loved our country! Then, while thinking about all of this, I missed him dearly! my good friend Tim, who I had not spoken to since February of this year, when I had ended our “virtual relationship.” After thinking about him sadly for a few minutes, I decided to do what I have been wanting to do for months now and I went to my old emails and took the leap, I contacted him.   

I was soooo scared! I kept thinking, I hope he responds!

So, I took the leap and sent him the message and to my surprise, from the other side of the world a few minutes later my ex Navy “virtual boyfriend” responded.  I can’t even express the happiness that hearing from him made me feel! It was like oh my god! I can finally say I am sorry! FINALLY! I can ask him to forgive me.   

So, without further a do, I went straight to the point, I confessed to him how I felt/feel and how sorry I was.  I asked him why he had not contacted me and he told me that he had not done so, out of respect for my wishes! HOW AWESOME IS HE? Tim, the kind human being that he is, after I began my apology and told him everything I needed to, he responded that he forgave me.  I cannot even begin to write, how great that forgiveness felt! 

Automatically, I felt like new, like I could breath again, like I was ten pounds lighter! talking to him and catching up felt so awesome! there was no bad feelings no bad vibes! just my friend and I catching up, saying we were sorry! He told me that he was sorry for having pressured me and I told him I was sorry for not being able to be the woman he wanted me to be for him, I didn’t know how to, I don’t know how to be anyone’s anything anymore, it is so scary! Yet he understood and understands me.  I have to say that I am sure lucky to have some real friends, friends that have gotten to know me, friends that understand me and love me unconditionally no matter what! 

That is what life is all about, that, them! I think I now understand why I have been ok being single all these years, one of the reasons is, that I have had the opportunity to meet great human beings that are my support system, genuine people that love and understand me, people that know how to forgive and to communicate and understand that it’s not ever on purpose or spiteful or games, it’s genuine and sincere and true. 

One thing that I did feel horrible about, was that he told me that after I broke things off with him, he read a journal entry that I wrote and he sort of put two and two together and sort of figured out what had went wrong.  This journal is getting me into all sorts of trouble, but what I write on here, it’s truth, it’s passion and it’s me.  However, I need to learn how to be yet even more sensitive about who and what I write, because the last thing I ever ever intend, is to hurt someone with my words.  So, I will show him this entry and on here I will say once more.

TIM, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LOVING ME AS A FRIEND, THANK YOU FOR FORGIVING ME, I AM SOOOO DEEPLY SORRY THAT I HURT YOU! AND I THANK YOU ALWAYS! FOR DEFENDING OUR COUNTRY!

YOU ARE JUST WAYYYYY AWESOME! XOXOXOXO…….

As a side note, if you happen to come across this blog post, and you happen to think with reading this that there is someone you need to apologize to, PLEASE DO! it is the most beautiful gesture and wonderful thing for both you and the other person, it is good for once SOUL! just remember, that tomorrow is never promised!