STOP! STALKING ME BI!£H!

I wrote and posted this from my iPhone, I couldn't fix it properly before posting. 


Dear Journal:

The other day, I was talking to my friend who told me that he had a bad experience with his  ex because she kind of stalked him and then a few days after that, another friend, told me that she was afraid of this one guy because he would call her at all types of hours.

So, when my first friend told me about his situation, I have to admit that the first thing I felt, was really sad.  I felt really sad, for the girl he was calling a stalker.  

I felt that way, because I have referred to myself as such and I know on my part, why I have done to Benjamin or why I became his as I would tell him to his face "personal stalker" now here is the thing.  

Stalking is indeed something that is very real and very scary! I have never been stalked, so I can't say I know how it feels.  I have however, read articles and forums on stalking because i want to make sure that I am not genuinely mental or that i might have a serious problem that requires me to seek mental health counceling, althogh mental-health counseling is awesome and i always encourage it and wish i could have a personal shrink sometimes.

But, with respect to people in general the use of that term to describe an ex, is a bit much in my opinion.  I have  a feeling that the people who are considered by societies norms as "normal" and they stalk an ex, it's usually only because they probably have not gotten closure.  

In my case for starters, I don't ever bother Benjamin any more.  In fact, all I ever do or did is look at his Face Book page and his twitter and Blog, which are all public.  Additionally, I wrote him an email almost everyday for 2 and a half years, which I am POSITIVE that he read! and how do I know? because  he accidentally slipped and mentioned to me EVERYTHING I had ever told him.  And, he also slipped another time when I had told him I had bought this new sweater and he slipped and said oh yes, I saw that! REALLY? I guess, he also enjoyed reading my FB public statuses and looking at my pictures!

I seriously feel like at this point I have been looking at his stuff for almost 5 years because while we were friends I loved his writing, its beautiful! I admire it, I look up to him almost, so reading his stuff sort of became a habit of mine.  Part of my daily routine. 

 NO i'm not saying that it's healthy for me to still know about him, since he's not worth it, but, I am looking at something that he is putting out there for the world to see, its public and yes I do still feel like I love him.  But it's a different sort of love.  I don't know it's difficult to explain.

However, if what I do is stalking, then anyone else, that goes onto anyone's Facebook page or any other social network site to see how that pesrson is or because they miss them, then they are stakers also.  

My point here is that some times we want to look at someone's stuff because maybe we just miss that person, or wonder how they are, if it's accessible, then what are we doing wrong? 

I guess what I am also saying is, that reading what someone has to say, is hardly actually stalking.  I mean I do call myself that, and I do so mostly because I want to remind myself that I need to get over him already.  But actually, I can honestly say that I don't think of him nearly as much as I once did. 

Anyway, back to my friend and what he told me. I felt really sad about what he said about the ex, because I sympathize with  her.  Maybe she needs to tell him things and he doesn't give her the opportunity, maybe she needs him to say he is sorry, or vice versa.  I dont know the details of their relationship, but sometimes people are to quick to use the term "stalker" when that term in my mind, is such a serious accusation.

When Benjamin and I saw each other last year, he told me that he couldn't believe I had kept writing him letters for two and a half years.  When he said that, my answer was, well, you encouraged me don't even make me go there! what was his answer? He giggled! That's right! He fucking LOVED my attention! I made his ego bigger than it was and is! Fuck him! 

When I sometimes think about him and not allow myself to feel sweet and kind and love, because that's my true nature.  I think, damn! that moment would of been the perfect moment for me to have slapped him right across his face for being such an asshole!

What did I try to get out of him all those years and still wish I could? All I ever wanted and told him I wanted, was for him to face me like the man that he is, to sit with me and have a cup of coffee tea water or whatever and to look into my eyes and tell me that he is SORRY! I'm SORRY Jazzy! I'm sorry that I led you on for a year, I'm sorry that I didn't know what I wanted with you.   Sorry that I made mistakes but I'm only human.  I'm deeply sorry that I shut you out of my life as if you were some piece of shit trash.  I'm sorry that I didn't love you the way you deserved to be loved, I'm sorry that I pushed you to your limits and made you act crazy because I hid behind my computer and my phone like a total coward! Jazzy please forgive me for haven treated you less than kind! 

 I think in that moment, I would hug him, kiss his forehead, cry really hard and tell him that I forgive him and that now I can finally move on!

That is ALL I WANTED ALWAYS!

So, before you call someone your "stalker" think of what you have to do, what you haven't said, what is it about you that makes this person act in such a way that makes you feel your so grand! because I think, that unless this person is mentally unstable, then sitting down with this individual and maybe just acknowledging them, might be suffice.  

Don't think that your that awesome! because there are many many many AMAZING human beings in this world! I meet them ALL the time! 

But the fact that the moment we shut down from some one who loves us because we don't understand our own feelings, and we use silence instead of communication to deal with the issue and that in turn drives the other individual to start calling us and texting us and doing whatever else they do to try to get us to talk because they need closure but we don't address it, makes that other individual act out of control, to the point of obsession.   Just somehow says something about yourself.  Who do YOU think you are? what makes you better? your shutting down because your just as crazy! Your crazy because you can't express yourself! Your no better than "your stalker"

And YES I know there are extreme cases that are very dangerous.  But I'm not talking about those cases.  I'm taking about those people who act crazy because the other person just feels like deleting them from their lives because they feel like it, and the other person is supposed to be ok with it.  That isn't very nice! That's mean, and horrible and uncaring and malicious.  COMMUNICATION! avoids dilemma! If you are one of those people who pride themselves in going around calling someone "your stalker" please educate yourself on what a real stalker does/is and get over yourself!