Dear Journal: 9-5-12 ANALYZE THIS!

Dear Journal:

Much has happened since I last wrote an actual entry, so I guess I will write about the most important things first, oh wait! Everything on this journal is important, it’s important to me! This is after all, my life!

So, the most important thing to me at this moment, is the fact that I put a contest on my journal hoping to give something nice to some of the people that read or have read my blog and no one has responded, well, one person did, but he doesn’t count because he has become one of my best male friends, so I don’t think that counts.  Anyway, I am not sure why people haven’t answered and I started thinking about why? which by the way, is what I am currently learning in my Cognitive Psychology class, I am learning why? how? how and why our minds work the way it does and it is just…… FASCINATING! 

So, because I am always trying to psychoanalyze everything, I decided that maybe people don’t care for a Marc Jacobs bag or maybe people don’t care to enter because they have to give me the name of someone they would have to look up, or maybe people just don’t have time to worry about giving me advice because they just don’t care about me that way.  But, I still do very much want to give these things away, because I know for a fact, that there are some people that are not my actual friends, that read my blog.  So, I decided that I will do my own little research to find comments people have made on my blog or my Face Book status on a blog post I have posted and then I will take the names of those people, including those of my friends and family, put the names in a bag and ask my daughter to pick two out.  After, I will send the person an email and let them know I want to send them a gift as a token of my appreciation for them haven read my stuff.  I think that sounds like a decent idea!

In other Jazzy news, I also constantly psycho analyze myself to try to un crazy myself, I use uncrazy, for a lack of a better term and because I enjoy making up new words.  Anyway, about a week ago, I am leaving my building and there he is, my new friend and neighbor. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/07/dear-journal-is-it-just-little-crush.html  As usual, I am shocked, nervous and act all sorts of weird when I see him, so I gather my composure and to my surprise he comes up to me gives me a kiss on my cheek and a hug! OK! so here is the thing, a long time ago when I had a serious crush on (Benjamin Nunez) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html he gave me a hug that made me feel extremely awkward and weird and so after my neighbor did the same thing, and I felt really awkward and weird about it, for no reason what's so ever.  I went home that night to psycho analyze myself and the situation and here is what I came up with. 

First, that night after having a really good time with my neighbor and my daughter (we went for ice cream) and him witnessing one of my daughters tantrums (I wanted to die!) I came home thinking about someone else, I came home thinking about (Benjamin) I laid on my bed and immediately started to cry, thinking to myself that, I was pregnant when I had met him (Benjamin) and how he had never met my little girl, then, I sort of compared my neighbor to him (Benjamin) and then, I caught myself and thought… OH MY GOD! what I am doing??? this is sooooo wrong! let me explain.

The very first time I saw my neighbor, the reason why he caught my eye, was because he had a slight resemblance to him (Benjamin) just slightly, the dark shadow beard that I LOVE, the dark hair, dark eyes, tall.  I knew the first time I saw him that the reason why I felt attracted to him, was because he slightly resembled him.  However, after getting to know my neighbor a little, I quickly realized he is COMPLETELY different from (Benjamin) yet, in my mind I kept trying to compare the two! WHY DO WE DO THIS? While I was there laying on my bed crying, I felt really bad and horrible, because I was comparing someone new and very nice, to someone I once knew.  What about him (Benjamin) not being nice to me, did I still love? clearly, it isn’t him that I still love, what I think is happening to me is exactly what he (Benjamin) once told me himself, that I loved the IDEA of the person I loved.  It is so true, I love the idea of the romance I had created in my mind between Benjamin and I.  Every fabrication I created based on the things he told me, which some were not even true.   

I fell in love with an illusion and I spent the better part of the next few years comparing and looking for someone like him, except the true fact is, there are no two alike! I felt really bad that I was comparing someone that had absolutely no idea about my past, to someone who had not been very nice to me at all.  That isn’t fair! that night on my bed after whipping my tears, I made a decision that moving forward, I would give every single person the opportunity to be who they are and not compare them to anyone else, to NO ONE! because when I have been compared, I sure don’t like it, I don’t want to do to others what I do not want to be done to me, my basic principle in life!

So, after psycho analyzing myself that night, crying about it, feeling horrible about it, I felt way better! It feels great to look at someone as a whole new individual, a practice we should all as human beings adapt.  Because I have to say, that I am constantly getting compared to people, by people I meet, and I don't like that at all.  I also realized one other very important thing.  When I look at Benjamin’s picture and I look at my neighbor I further realize, that they not only have completely different personalities, they also don’t look ANYTHING ALIKE and I am only referencing my neighbor, because this whole analyses came to my mind after hanging out with my cool new friend, that has no idea that I was in my mind comparing him to someone else, someone, that should have no place in my mind, heart or thought process, yet I do it every single day! first thought each morning, it's really sickening UGH! they DO NOT, look anything like each other, meaning their facial features, other then the fact that they both have dark facial hair and are both about the same height and both are fair skinned.  I also realized while thinking about all of this, that the both of them, resembled my first love, which is the father of my oldest child.  

So, that means that my type was defined when I was really young and I sort of just go for men with that look, that’s ‘MY TYPE’ I sort of get annoyed that I am stuck on my ways in terms of my preferences, but then again, I also sometimes really like light skinned men with light eyes, I mean I married one and had two children with him.   

That pretty much means that after all my self analysis, I came to the conclusion that I like two type of physical characteristics and if you see my ex's they all sort of resemble each other! WHAT THE FUCK! and I can’t help it if that’s what I like and I am sick and tired of feeling bad about it like if I’m doing something wrong, I LIKE WHAT I LIKE! I’m sorry!

So, that’s pretty much it, I honestly sometimes get so sick and tired of psychoanalyzing myself, it’s exhausting! So much goes on in this brain, I wish I could just learn how to really let it rest sometimes, just relax and live in the exact moment I am on.  That though, is EXTREMELY hard, but every now and then when I accomplish living in that precise moment, I have to say that it is quite magnificent!


Love this song! check it out.
Mary J. Blige - You remind me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFHG7ZK3E3g