“you can live a whole life time never being awake.” ~
Dan Millman ~
Dear Journal -
And there we stood, two people with confusion and cloudy thoughts fighting whatever was inside just to feel normal and act proper. Difficult yet necessary, necessary for the heart and for the soul because it is something greater than me, something greater than he and the minutes went fast, but the moment felt long and time almost stopped, yet it really didn't and there were many people around us, but it seemed as if it were just us two, where did it all go wrong? and could it ever be repaired? could it be a fresh start? and then I had to leave and as I walked away without looking back, tears began to fill my eyes and I didn't really care if there were many around me, I didn't even care that a man was staring at me, I just wanted to go somewhere and cry, because in that moment that blog post came into my mind, the one someone once wrote about me, about the fact that all his actions toward me were due to fear.
It read something like this......
When I began to think of how I acted towards this person, I realized that all my actions have been done out of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not being a good friend, fear of being hurt, fear of hurting this individual, afraid that this persons character is a reflection of my own true being. But a warrior never acts out of fear, a warrior acts out of love and the most loving thing I could of done was to give this person a chance. A warrior always does his best.
And then after I finished thinking about what he had writen about me, the paragraph above this one, I thought to myself....how could I be good? how could I be noble and kind and loving when all I ever do is allow my fear to control me. It has been controlling my life for far too long, how do I let go and accept, appreciate, understand and give unconditional love? how can I make sure that my word be my bond? how can I be honest without hurting someone in the process? how can I stay true if I am not true to myself? and the rest of my trip was blurry and my eyes were not shinning, all I felt was deep sadness, sadness of the fact that I had failed, I had failed because I had been afraid, I had been hiding from the very beginning when all this individual wanted, was to be my friend, to talk to me and see who I was. And although he never says the words I love you, his actions are always loving, his demeanor always peaceful, his kindness always genuine and he makes mistakes like anyone, but he is always trying. Yet from the beginning this person never stood a chance, because from the beginning it was just some person to me, just another game to play. Just a someone because I do not believe, I don't know how it works anymore, I have become almost robotic. But I will not surrender and give up to fear, fear will no longer control me and even if I have to throw up a million times to get better, to get the fear bug out of my body, then that is what I will have to do.
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY NEIGHBOR
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY FRIEND
I DO NOT WANT YOU TO BE MY LOVER
I ONLY WANT YOU TO BE THE SAME.....
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