Dear Journal -
A while ago I read a book that was so incredibly insightful about male and female behavior, that I often tell people they should read it. The book sort of clarifies the fundamental reasons why sometimes relationships have difficulties and how by learning the differences between you and your partner (this is mainly for male/female relationships although it can be for same sex couples as well) in terms of the major differences between males and females apart from the obvious.
Whenever I try to understand myself and understand how to deal with situations, I always think back to this book and I am hoping that I can re-read it soon because this book has helped me tremendously in terms of trying to understand men as well. I am often reading self help books for two reasons, the main reason is because I am always seeking ways in how I can better myself so that I can be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and one day romantic partner. The other reason is because I also want to pursue a future in social work and I think that if I am going to look to work with people and help people, then I need to understand human beings (very complex). What I have definitely learned though is that we are all sort of the same in a lot of different ways and most of us want the same normal things, like happiness, love and of course money (some more than others when it comes to money) but for the most part we all want money so that we can have a normal life.
I was thinking about AJ the other day trying to understand why it is that he was the man that stole my heart and I kept realizing one very important thing, I kept thinking that through out the time we were friends and getting to know each other, there were two things that he possessed that I hardly see in many other men. The first thing was his honesty and the second thing, was his ability to express his feelings. In the book men women and relationships, Dr. John Gray, talks about this very thing.
Dr. Gray explains how it is more difficult for men to express themselves than women and he gives us reasons why, which I cannot remember at this moment, but he talks about how all people both men and women, have both male and female traits meaning that we all have a feminine side and a masculine side and how the best relationships usually come when a woman with a strong masculine side is with a man with a strong feminine side and vice versa. He says that if a couple understand this about their relationship, they will learn how to balance each other out. Additionally, he says that when people are opposite in this aspect and they learn how to see these fundamental differences, each one will bring out the best in the other and help one another with the trait which is weaker.
Ok, so I often try to give examples of the rubbish I am talking about because I want whomever comes across my posts to be able to hopefully apply in their relationship or life something of what I am writing or hopefully every now and then learn something new by visiting my blog, so, I will give an example of what I just wrote as follows:
AJ and I (AJ is someone I had a romantic interest in but we were never a couple) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html AJ is very in touch with his feminine side, me I am very in touch with my masculine side.
When I first met him I was cold and kept pushing him away, I wasn't looking to love anyone, I pretty much hated men (still sort of do) he knew that I was that way, because I had been hurt before really badly and he also knew that I had this huge trust issue. Because he was in touch with his feminine side and he was honest with his intentions with me one day I was all pissed off telling him off about the fact that I had not heard from him all day and that how did I know he wasn't god knows doing what and how I had sent him a txt message and he didn't care to respond and off I went flipping out (I wasn't his girlfriend but we were both on the same page as far as what our intentions for one another were AJ also lived in another state so we had never seen each other) after I was done complaining and flipping out on him he says to me Jazzy, why can't you understand that I like only you! I don't even live in NY I have never even seen you, yet I still talk to you every single day, I call you so that you can hear my voice and know that I am real and that I like you and I try to be here for you in the best way I can, because I can't do for you the things I wish I could. Jazzy, I could of just stopped texting/calling you already if I wanted to and you would have no way of looking for me, but I haven't done any of that, Jazzy I think of you all day long through out my day and I often smile and I always miss you and can't wait to talk to you. Jazzy you make my heart happy! stop being mad because I didn't respond...... and then he proceeded to explain to me what had happened and why he had not gotten back to me.
I think that had he not been in touch with his feelings, with his feminine side, his answers to me would of been him going off on me as well because "why is she bitching at me without knowing what the hell happened" but instead he understood that by him telling me that he cared about me, he was defusing the situation and calming my anxiety. He was in touch with his feelings and therefore he understood why I was upset, I was upset because I missed him and him not getting back to me made me anxious. He also understood that I didn't trust. He further understood that the reason why women usually get upset when our significant other doesn't get back to us, is because we miss them and think... He doesn't care so he is taking his time to get back to me! When the reality is that men get distracted, men think about a woman probably as much as the woman thinks about the man, but men demonstrate this in other ways, not with words yet women need to hear it.
After I listened to AJ saying this, I automatically felt better right away, my anxiety resided, my fears were calmed and I was no longer mad. If he had not been in touch with his own feelings and had he not been able to express them, we would of had a huge argument about something that could of easily had been avoided. Instead after him telling me all about his day, at the end of the conversation I was the one apologizing to him because his day had actually been hell. If he would of not understood by being in touch with his own feelings that I was first and foremost pissed because "he didn't care about me" then the conversation would of probably ended in me being really mean back to his defense of what men usually like to say which is "why are you pissed" and then getting pissed off about it and coming back at the woman with a defense instead of just expressing that they care, that not getting back to them has nothing to do with that at all. Of course, AJ didn't do this as something that he planned or because he is so aware of the fact that he is in touch with his feminine side, AJ said what he did to me because he meant it and after hearing me saying things like you probably don't care about me xyz, he said what he did because he was honest about his feelings for me to me and wasn't afraid to express them, because he knew I cared also.
I think that this example also demonstrates how communication is so important in relationships and how learning how to communicate with one another is so vital. AJ and I were friends and by us being friends we had gotten to know things about each other, he knew my fear of commitment, love and intimacy, he understood that I was very masculine about certain things and he understood his feelings and knew what it was he wanted from me, he wanted me and he was going to get me by gaining my trust, how else could he gain my trust if not by expressing himself to me, telling me what I meant to him and showing me the only way he could, by calling me and texting me and sending me email. What better way to gain someone's trust than by telling them and showing them what they mean to you?
I sure do miss my AJ all the time, although he is way younger than I am, his sincerity and kindness is one of a kind, too bad for me that when I realized all of this, it was too late. I like to write about my experiences on my blog because I hope that someone will come across this post and hopefully use this scenario in a similar situation that they may encounter or are going through and maybe or hopefully learning something with my example and applying it to a situation of their own. Or maybe you are a man and don't ever understand why women freak out! or you are a woman and don't understand why men "don't care" if only we first learn to understand the differences of the sexes, without judgment this world will be without drama..... OK... that was wishful thinking!
I hope you enjoyed this post and if you are a male and you are in touch with your feminine side, that is QUITE AWESOME! don't EVER! let anyone tell you there is something wrong with that! MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO! and that means they are..... HUMAN!
I leave you now with..........
Toto - Africa
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/toto/africa_20139798.html
A while ago I read a book that was so incredibly insightful about male and female behavior, that I often tell people they should read it. The book sort of clarifies the fundamental reasons why sometimes relationships have difficulties and how by learning the differences between you and your partner (this is mainly for male/female relationships although it can be for same sex couples as well) in terms of the major differences between males and females apart from the obvious.
Whenever I try to understand myself and understand how to deal with situations, I always think back to this book and I am hoping that I can re-read it soon because this book has helped me tremendously in terms of trying to understand men as well. I am often reading self help books for two reasons, the main reason is because I am always seeking ways in how I can better myself so that I can be a better mother, daughter, sister, friend and one day romantic partner. The other reason is because I also want to pursue a future in social work and I think that if I am going to look to work with people and help people, then I need to understand human beings (very complex). What I have definitely learned though is that we are all sort of the same in a lot of different ways and most of us want the same normal things, like happiness, love and of course money (some more than others when it comes to money) but for the most part we all want money so that we can have a normal life.
I was thinking about AJ the other day trying to understand why it is that he was the man that stole my heart and I kept realizing one very important thing, I kept thinking that through out the time we were friends and getting to know each other, there were two things that he possessed that I hardly see in many other men. The first thing was his honesty and the second thing, was his ability to express his feelings. In the book men women and relationships, Dr. John Gray, talks about this very thing.
Dr. Gray explains how it is more difficult for men to express themselves than women and he gives us reasons why, which I cannot remember at this moment, but he talks about how all people both men and women, have both male and female traits meaning that we all have a feminine side and a masculine side and how the best relationships usually come when a woman with a strong masculine side is with a man with a strong feminine side and vice versa. He says that if a couple understand this about their relationship, they will learn how to balance each other out. Additionally, he says that when people are opposite in this aspect and they learn how to see these fundamental differences, each one will bring out the best in the other and help one another with the trait which is weaker.
Ok, so I often try to give examples of the rubbish I am talking about because I want whomever comes across my posts to be able to hopefully apply in their relationship or life something of what I am writing or hopefully every now and then learn something new by visiting my blog, so, I will give an example of what I just wrote as follows:
AJ and I (AJ is someone I had a romantic interest in but we were never a couple) http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html AJ is very in touch with his feminine side, me I am very in touch with my masculine side.
When I first met him I was cold and kept pushing him away, I wasn't looking to love anyone, I pretty much hated men (still sort of do) he knew that I was that way, because I had been hurt before really badly and he also knew that I had this huge trust issue. Because he was in touch with his feminine side and he was honest with his intentions with me one day I was all pissed off telling him off about the fact that I had not heard from him all day and that how did I know he wasn't god knows doing what and how I had sent him a txt message and he didn't care to respond and off I went flipping out (I wasn't his girlfriend but we were both on the same page as far as what our intentions for one another were AJ also lived in another state so we had never seen each other) after I was done complaining and flipping out on him he says to me Jazzy, why can't you understand that I like only you! I don't even live in NY I have never even seen you, yet I still talk to you every single day, I call you so that you can hear my voice and know that I am real and that I like you and I try to be here for you in the best way I can, because I can't do for you the things I wish I could. Jazzy, I could of just stopped texting/calling you already if I wanted to and you would have no way of looking for me, but I haven't done any of that, Jazzy I think of you all day long through out my day and I often smile and I always miss you and can't wait to talk to you. Jazzy you make my heart happy! stop being mad because I didn't respond...... and then he proceeded to explain to me what had happened and why he had not gotten back to me.
I think that had he not been in touch with his feelings, with his feminine side, his answers to me would of been him going off on me as well because "why is she bitching at me without knowing what the hell happened" but instead he understood that by him telling me that he cared about me, he was defusing the situation and calming my anxiety. He was in touch with his feelings and therefore he understood why I was upset, I was upset because I missed him and him not getting back to me made me anxious. He also understood that I didn't trust. He further understood that the reason why women usually get upset when our significant other doesn't get back to us, is because we miss them and think... He doesn't care so he is taking his time to get back to me! When the reality is that men get distracted, men think about a woman probably as much as the woman thinks about the man, but men demonstrate this in other ways, not with words yet women need to hear it.
After I listened to AJ saying this, I automatically felt better right away, my anxiety resided, my fears were calmed and I was no longer mad. If he had not been in touch with his own feelings and had he not been able to express them, we would of had a huge argument about something that could of easily had been avoided. Instead after him telling me all about his day, at the end of the conversation I was the one apologizing to him because his day had actually been hell. If he would of not understood by being in touch with his own feelings that I was first and foremost pissed because "he didn't care about me" then the conversation would of probably ended in me being really mean back to his defense of what men usually like to say which is "why are you pissed" and then getting pissed off about it and coming back at the woman with a defense instead of just expressing that they care, that not getting back to them has nothing to do with that at all. Of course, AJ didn't do this as something that he planned or because he is so aware of the fact that he is in touch with his feminine side, AJ said what he did to me because he meant it and after hearing me saying things like you probably don't care about me xyz, he said what he did because he was honest about his feelings for me to me and wasn't afraid to express them, because he knew I cared also.
I think that this example also demonstrates how communication is so important in relationships and how learning how to communicate with one another is so vital. AJ and I were friends and by us being friends we had gotten to know things about each other, he knew my fear of commitment, love and intimacy, he understood that I was very masculine about certain things and he understood his feelings and knew what it was he wanted from me, he wanted me and he was going to get me by gaining my trust, how else could he gain my trust if not by expressing himself to me, telling me what I meant to him and showing me the only way he could, by calling me and texting me and sending me email. What better way to gain someone's trust than by telling them and showing them what they mean to you?
I sure do miss my AJ all the time, although he is way younger than I am, his sincerity and kindness is one of a kind, too bad for me that when I realized all of this, it was too late. I like to write about my experiences on my blog because I hope that someone will come across this post and hopefully use this scenario in a similar situation that they may encounter or are going through and maybe or hopefully learning something with my example and applying it to a situation of their own. Or maybe you are a man and don't ever understand why women freak out! or you are a woman and don't understand why men "don't care" if only we first learn to understand the differences of the sexes, without judgment this world will be without drama..... OK... that was wishful thinking!
I hope you enjoyed this post and if you are a male and you are in touch with your feminine side, that is QUITE AWESOME! don't EVER! let anyone tell you there is something wrong with that! MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO! and that means they are..... HUMAN!
I leave you now with..........
Toto - Africa
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/toto/africa_20139798.html
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