GAMES PEOPLE PLAY..... :/

Dear Journal -

I really don't have much to report since this school break I kind of just took it easy.  You know how I like to go on my "casual dates" during my school breaks? well, this time around I kind of just took time out for me and my kids.  I have also tried to make time for my good friends and have just been relaxing.  I'm sort of in my "I REALLY REALLY HATE MEN" mode and I have to admit that I really really like this mode, because it keeps me out of serious trouble! the trouble I only know how to get myself in by being honest.  Sometimes I wish I could be like those women that lie, deceive, cheat, scheme, get money out of men by pretending to like them.  I honestly think that women like that are much more successful in the love department.  But, I do not know how to be that way and honestly, I rather be the way I am, I like myself a whole lot and I also know that somewhere out there, there is a man who will find me one day and appreciate that about me.  So, for now, I will do what I know to do, which is chill out, enjoy my life, and learn, write, read and be happy!

Below is something I wrote back in October, I never posted it and ran into it the other day while I was looking for another document. Since I'm feeling a bit lazy, and I haven't been writing much lately, I figured I would post it.

Jazzy on the "art of dating" written: 10-3-12

If nothing else, in the last five years of singlehood, I have to honestly say that I have mastered the art of dating! like seriously I really feel that I have.  The thing is, that one of the reasons why I have, is one, I don't really "date" and two I am just straight up honest.  The truth also is, that in all this time I really don’t know that there is really such a thing as a "master plan" or that there are certain steps you need to take when it comes to the "art of dating."  I call it art, because it truly takes a lot out of someone to “play the game,” and honestly, I don't have time for it nor do I have the energy or desire for all the craziness that goes on in the "art of dating."

The key thing that I have learned about being "out there," whenever I do start to get to know someone, is that as long as I am honest to myself as far as what I want, need and desire, then there is no way that I can loose.  Meaning, that if I am honest and someone doesn’t want with me what I want with them, regardless of what I may be wanting from them, then I just “lost” on maybe being with someone that I might have thought as suitable, for my need, but when you think about it thoroughly, you realize that you just "gained," precious time if that person didn't want the same.  If you can be honest with others even if they don't appreciate it, at least at the end of the day, you know you did the right thing and you were genuine and honest to yourself and to them and that is always a good thing.  

I know what qualities I look for in individuals, I know the things I want when it comes to a relationship, however, I do not know if a relationship is what I really want.  I think that having a relationship is not something that I sit around wanting, but rather, it’s something that I am open to now, something I was absolutely not open to a few years ago.  However, that doesn’t mean that I am actively looking or that if I think someone is cool or I find myself attracted to someone that way, that I am going to jump into some sort of relationship with just any Tom, Dick or Harry HELL NO! I have way to much to give and I refuse to give it to just anyone.  I know my self worth and therefore, it’s not that I look for a specific type of man meaning I want him to have x,y,z things, but rather I look for the way I feel around individuals and or their qualities as a person.

For example, is this person a genuine guy? Is he someone that will respect my individuality without being judgmental? Is he going to be someone that I will have to compete with in anyway? Is this man supportive of my creativity of my future goals, plans and dreams? Is he willing and able to accept the fact that when I give my love I give it 100% and is he ready to be treated like royalty? because quite honestly, when I love someone, I make sure that I will take care of my man in any and every way, that's just who I am.  And honestly, I feel like there are some people that really don't believe they deserve such a thing and they sell themselves short and settle for women that don't know how to give such things.  Also and more importantly, is this man assertive, sure of himself and trusting enough to know that I can be in a room full of men, by myself and that I will ALWAYS respect my man? will he know what he has? I don't know that I can be with someone that isn't sure of himself.  

Having the right dynamic with an individual is something that is really difficult to have.  Finding someone that isn't looking to your past to figure out who you are is also difficult.  Some people really do change believe it or not, so just because they did something that wasn't great in their past, doesn't mean that they will always do it.  Yes, there are some behaviors that some just don't change, but I like to give each person a chance to be themselves and get to know them, instead of asking them about their past so I can judge them based on it.  I don't really much give a damn about your past, let's talk about now, your future goals and dreams! I don't really care about your relationship with your ex, she isn't here now! In my experience, having been married to someone who judged me based on my past, was really difficult, because no matter what I did, It was never going to be recognized as good, he did not see beyond my past, he didn’t recognize that I wasn’t that person anymore and that no matter what I did, I could never change my past, but only hope to be better in the present.

I honestly sometimes feel that there is this road for me that requires me to be single and I have to admit that I am pretty ok with that.  When I think about it, I am really never totally alone.  I have three amazing children, I have awesome friends and I am always sort of talking to someone.  There have been many that have crossed my path in different capacities and I enjoy the fact that from everyone who touches my life, I learn something from them.  The one thing that I will say though that I think it’s important to write on here, especially because I know that a lot of the people that read my blog are females, is that if we are not honest to ourselves, that is when we allow people to toy us around, to yo yo us as they please, to PLAY GAMES! 

I am sure that people play games because for the most part they usually don’t know what they want, but in reality, we ALL KNOW! everyone who is single, has this sort of vision in my opinion, of what that ideal someone is.  Whether it be something as shallow as, I want a woman with some big boobs, to something significant like, I want a woman who is my equal.  Regardless of what that is, there is no doubt in my mind, that we know what we want and when we are lucky enough to find it in someone, we better get it and run with it, that’s where I think honesty is key.  If we are honest with the person we are seeing, talking too, sleeping with or whatever, it doesn’t give them the room to “play games” the thing that I feel most men don’t understand is, that it is ok to tell someone that they don’t know what they want.  I say that ALL THE TIME! However, when I do say that, it’s usually because what I want is probably not that person, however, that doesn’t mean that at some point that may not change.  But it does mean that at that moment, you are probably not what I was looking for, because I am not really looking, I'm just living, I'm having fun enjoying my freedom.

Someone that I was sort of seeing last summer, told me the other day that he had never felt such a strong connection with anyone as he had with me.  The problem is, that I didn’t feel the connection at all.  The moment he told me that, I was able to tell him right there and then, that I was really sorry but that from the beginning I had always been honest with him and because of all the games he thought he was good at playing, I had been so completely turned off by them, that the little connection I did feel maybe at the very beginning when I had met him, was completely broken.  I felt nothing! When you play games because you don’t know what you want instead of just being honest and saying… I DON’T KNOW, you end up getting caught up in your own web.  Playing with peoples feelings isn’t Kosher! (90's slang for cool) because remember, what goes around, comes around! That is the LAW!  

My honesty may sometimes be brutal and yes it often gets me into all sorts of trouble and yes it is sometimes a bit harsh to myself and even others and yes I do need to work on not being THAT honest, maybe keeping some of my honest thoughts or feelings or maybe being a bit more careful of how I express my honesty.  But I can't play games, I don't know how to play the game right, I am not trying to "land" anyone, I am not trying to get married nor am I actively seeking love, I am just pretty much living my life and just being.  So, while It sometimes appear that I am playing some "game" all I am being is just honest and it just all looks like this crazy game I play, but I don't, I really really don't! I'm just a single woman living my life the best way I can... why can't we all just PLAY NICE! geez! 

So there you have it! my philosophically undeniably incredibly crazy game theory! debate me on this! I DARE YOU!

I'll leave you with.........

Games people play - By Sweet G. - HOLLA! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ug4RAd2tmo