Dear Diary:
Today is Thursday March 3rd. I am on the train going to class. Today, I had one of those bitch mode days, the ones I have when I think of him too much and hate myself for it.
God I love hate him so much! I especially hated him the last time I saw him, because while we were sitting in that room, the minute the cute married brunette walked into the room, he followed her with his eyes as she walked across to take her seat. I noticed that he was the only one watching her and his stare revealed lust. He stared her down from head to toe, probably admiring her petit frame and small butt. As he followed her with his obvious desire, I followed him with my look of lust for him and hated her for being his type. That bastard! How dare he like or look at a married woman that way! Did he even realize how he was looking at her? I wonder if anyone else noticed? probably not, because I would be the only one paying attention to anything at all that he does. Ugh! every time I play back that scenario in my mind my blood boils with jealousy, this horrible feeling that I do not want to indulge or embrace.
The worst part is that having that jealousy feeling almost cost me to not like that bitch! yet after deciding that she was not really a bitch, I chose instead to ignore that horrible feeling of jealousy and talk to her, turns out she is far from being a bitch, she is actually awesome and very much in love with her husband. She even stopped me before I left and thanked me for sharing a story with the group, this made me feel even worse, that I judged her and even hated her shortly simply because someone that I have feelings for was looking at her. Not cool!
And him, in reality he didn't do anything wrong, except maybe mentally have sex with her, but isn't that what men do anyway? Don't they mentally fuck everything that moves? Who knows what goes on in their crazy minds. It's so hard to find one that will be honest about his thoughts, but there are some around, I like to call them "real" either way diary, I guess I'm writing this entry because deep inside I wish I could go to her and say something like, hey whatever your name is, I'm sorry that I mentally called you a bitch and wanted to pull your hair out! but your actually really cool and very pretty. At least the jerk has good taste in woman!
Diary, I know that sometimes my thoughts are not nice, however, I am only human and I am working on controlling the thoughts that don't serve a positive purpose in my life, those thoughts, the ones of jealousy and hate and lust even, they are all just my ego, who takes control of me momentarily. I will not let my ego control who I really am. I was jealous of another woman because in my mind, I thought that he liked her and that she was better then me because of that. She might be, but at the end of the night if she was better, then why did she want to talk to me and even thank me for sharing my thoughts. In addition, how was it her fault that he thinks that she is attractive? I do have to say though that if her husband saw the way he looked at her, he would of probably punched in the face for being disrespectful, still, maybe I just imagined all of that because I know his type and from the moment I ever saw her, I knew that she would be someone he would find attractive, then again, I even found her attractive. Still, I need not let my ego control my emotions, because my ego, is not me. My ego, is this evil woman that takes over the real Jazzy and makes her feel horrible things.
I must simply learn, how to control this evil Jazz and not let her control the real Jazzy. Who am I? I'm spider woman!
Today is Thursday March 3rd. I am on the train going to class. Today, I had one of those bitch mode days, the ones I have when I think of him too much and hate myself for it.
God I love hate him so much! I especially hated him the last time I saw him, because while we were sitting in that room, the minute the cute married brunette walked into the room, he followed her with his eyes as she walked across to take her seat. I noticed that he was the only one watching her and his stare revealed lust. He stared her down from head to toe, probably admiring her petit frame and small butt. As he followed her with his obvious desire, I followed him with my look of lust for him and hated her for being his type. That bastard! How dare he like or look at a married woman that way! Did he even realize how he was looking at her? I wonder if anyone else noticed? probably not, because I would be the only one paying attention to anything at all that he does. Ugh! every time I play back that scenario in my mind my blood boils with jealousy, this horrible feeling that I do not want to indulge or embrace.
The worst part is that having that jealousy feeling almost cost me to not like that bitch! yet after deciding that she was not really a bitch, I chose instead to ignore that horrible feeling of jealousy and talk to her, turns out she is far from being a bitch, she is actually awesome and very much in love with her husband. She even stopped me before I left and thanked me for sharing a story with the group, this made me feel even worse, that I judged her and even hated her shortly simply because someone that I have feelings for was looking at her. Not cool!
And him, in reality he didn't do anything wrong, except maybe mentally have sex with her, but isn't that what men do anyway? Don't they mentally fuck everything that moves? Who knows what goes on in their crazy minds. It's so hard to find one that will be honest about his thoughts, but there are some around, I like to call them "real" either way diary, I guess I'm writing this entry because deep inside I wish I could go to her and say something like, hey whatever your name is, I'm sorry that I mentally called you a bitch and wanted to pull your hair out! but your actually really cool and very pretty. At least the jerk has good taste in woman!
Diary, I know that sometimes my thoughts are not nice, however, I am only human and I am working on controlling the thoughts that don't serve a positive purpose in my life, those thoughts, the ones of jealousy and hate and lust even, they are all just my ego, who takes control of me momentarily. I will not let my ego control who I really am. I was jealous of another woman because in my mind, I thought that he liked her and that she was better then me because of that. She might be, but at the end of the night if she was better, then why did she want to talk to me and even thank me for sharing my thoughts. In addition, how was it her fault that he thinks that she is attractive? I do have to say though that if her husband saw the way he looked at her, he would of probably punched in the face for being disrespectful, still, maybe I just imagined all of that because I know his type and from the moment I ever saw her, I knew that she would be someone he would find attractive, then again, I even found her attractive. Still, I need not let my ego control my emotions, because my ego, is not me. My ego, is this evil woman that takes over the real Jazzy and makes her feel horrible things.
I must simply learn, how to control this evil Jazz and not let her control the real Jazzy. Who am I? I'm spider woman!
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