What would I write about you?

That night, the night that we danced in our underwear to the salsa music playing on your iPod, which to my surprise had a mixture of probably all the songs I would select to download on my own iPod. Including classical music which caught me by pleasant surprise.  I left there, feeling confused about my feelings.

We were only lovers, the deal was, we would have a physical relationship and nothing else.  And when you tried to cuddle with me after the very first time we were intimate, I said I did not want to do that, because I didn't want to get used to things.  I wanted to be held, I am only human and I do need affection.  But I was afraid, because often it is difficult not to allow ourselves to start attaching feelings to physical relationships.  I feel this to be especially true for women.

But we managed, we were two people fulfilling each others sexual desires, two people who when our bodies met, they automatically become one, there were no other thoughts or emotions, all was carnal, all was pleasure.

I knew that when I would leave your side, it would be he who I would think of, him, my love! I was always faithful in my love for him.  And yet slowly, my sexual needs, where taking over my emotional ones and my thoughts were shifting from him towards you, towards the way you made me feel when you touched me with your desire for my body.

Then one day, as we were consumed in one of our moments of ecstasy, I caught myself thinking, don't feel this in your heart! because you are letting the pleasure take control of reality, of what my emotional needs really are. I couldn't  allow you to be the person to help me forget another, or for me to be the one to help you forget someone either.  Because those two other individuals, although they did not have our bodies they held our hearts, our thoughts and our souls.

One part of me wanted to pretend that sex would be sufficient, but the other knew it would never be.  I knew, that at some point, we would both get bored of what we did for each other physically and then there would be nothing left.  Yet me wanting to forget him, made me want to do anything, and the fact that you and I had this incredible sexual chemistry made me want to trick myself, my emotions, and almost use you.  Or maybe I was just becoming addicted to the intimate moments we shared. 

You knew it too, we both knew what we really wanted from another individual, yet sex is so tricky, it begins to take control of reality, of our feelings and our thoughts, we begin to find reasons why this person is exactly what we want.  Physical pleasure will guide us in the wrong direction.

One night you told me that you knew what I was looking for in a man, and that it wasn't you.  You might have been right, although the thought of not feeling your touch again was beginning to become scary to me.  Who else could make me feel this way?

On another occasion, after a very pleasurable moment of passion, we took time out to talk.  Maybe we were starting to trick ourselves into believing that we could not only fulfill each other sexually, but also emotionally.  We began finding out little things about each other and you told me the one thing I will never forget you for.  I said I enjoyed writing and that one day I would like to write a book.  You automatically assumed it would be about my life so you turned to me and said, "when you write it, I want to read it to see what you write about me."

Your words that night meant a lot to me.  Those words meant to me, that you believed in me, in my capabilities, in my drive and my dedication.  Your words were sincere, I believed what you were saying.

I will never forget what we shared.  At some point in one of those nights, you became to me more then just a lover.  You believed in me.  When I write my book, I will write in very specific detail, how your tactful lovemaking technique is that of an expert almost.  I can probably write a whole book just on that alone.  

For now, I will say this.  You are a passionate, compassionate human being.  You have the sexiest smile, your naked body is beautiful.  You are kind, thoughtful and sweet.  You have all those wonderful qualities that combined, make a great man.  I am truly happy that you found someone to complete you.  This blog post was difficult to write, because I wanted so badly to share how your touch made me feel.  Then again, that stuff is just to good to share on a blog, so I will reserve it for a more suitable place like my book.  

I wish you today and always, all the very best that life has to offer.  Don't ever change.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTLQQjlXc8A