I have written journals all of my life. Most of them I no longer have, this makes me sad. Journaling to me has always been a sort of therapy for myself, writing makes me feel happy. I usually write journals when I have something on my mind that is bothering me. I wanted to put something on my blog today, so I went back into my old journals to look for something to put on here.
I found this one, the one I am about to share. I decided to put this one on here, because I was accused of being single, due to me having mood swings. I honestly never even realized that I do have mood swings, but I do. To my defense however, the reason why I have them sometimes, is because I get really scared. When I say scared, I will describe the scare feeling as best I can below…….
I am thinking of a situation let’s say, usually the situation will have to do with a person that I like or something. All of a sudden, I start to get this feeling like throwing up, my hands start to get sweaty and I feel like I can’t breath, my stomach feels sick and I get extremely anxious, like I need to get rid of something. Then, I have to take deep breaths to catch my breath because I feel so scared that I can't breath, so scared, that it makes me want to run really fast. It’s CRAZY I know, but it happens and that is when I turn around and tell whoever it is that I am getting these feeling because of, that I want to be left alone. After I do that, I feel better like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and like I am ok.
Lately, I have been working on controlling this fear. It is really hard, but I think it can be conquered. I have learned, that fear is the biggest impediment to happiness. I am a happy person for the most part, but I want to be even happier, so, I need to not allow fear to control me.
Here is my journal entry from June 7, 2010 - 11:50 PM.
Dear Journal:
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"I have been running around New York like a crazy person looking for someone to love me" Quote from Carey Bradshaw in the movie Sex & the City 2
That is how I feel and yet in the deepest of my heart, I know that the reason why I don’t find it, is because I hold on to a dream, the dream that one day, he will run after my plane. (like in the movie when the girl is leaving and he runs to the airport to tell her not to leave) when I say him, my dear journal, you know who I mean, I mean him, my love, Benjamin Nunez… How can I even try to give someone a chance, when I found the love of my life, I want him and no one else will do. Oh God, how will I ever overcome this feeling for him.
One week 7 days and 21 more to go. I am going to draw the picture that I imagined in my head and I am going to send it to him. I also want to adopt an animal for him the one’s you adopt in another country. I have no idea why I would do any of this for him, he does not deserve my love. How can I like anyone else, when he is the perfect one for me? No matter who I try to be with, I always compare them to him and no one comes even remotely close…….. MY LOVE! Benjamin Nunez.
I will show him that having a heart like mine is not one that you find around the corner. Or maybe in 21 days, it won't matter anymore.
I can’t do this anymore, I won't do this anymore. I AM DONE!
Summer of 2010 Health, Mental well being, my beautiful children! and in the deepest of my heart in a little corner hidden, there he will be, MY LOVE! Benjamin Nunez…..
I love this song.......Sia - Breath Me, he introduced me to it and it is simply lovely!
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