Dear Journal -
OMG! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing anymore, but one thing I can say to you is this. For over two years, I wrote a live journal and sent it to someone, who probably deleted every single entry I sent him. One day, I decided that I was going to start you..... My ever so faithful Journal and share you with any and all who wished to come into my life, read my thoughts and experience the world through my eyes.
Lately, as I have began to notice that many people indeed read my thoughts, I have began to feel a sense of hesitation as to what I shall say. This is not good, the point of you, was for me to begin to feel comfortable with sharing my life with others, because one day, I will write a book where my life will be exposed in a very scary way. My thought of sharing this journal, therefore cannot become one where I hold back and keep secrets from you, because you are my live journal.
Back when I was sharing these journal entries with un-deserving eyes (aka Benjamin Nunez, that's not really his name) but when I shared my journals or sent him numerous letters which were really journals because I was sharing my life with him (sort of) I would begin to write and get completely lost in the moment. I would just write away. The words would just flow onto the page, almost without me thinking, I would literally forget that I would be sending that journal entry to someone.
Lately, as I said, I have felt a sort of hesitation when I write, that I am not really liking. For this journal entry, I will allow my hands to do the writing, I will forget that some may see it and I will let myself get lost in this moment....... This one, the only one that counts........
Today as I was riding the train home, it dawned on me that about 3 days ago, I received a voice message from my husband telling me the following. He said, Jazz, I need for you to tell me what day works best for you so that we can meet up and go to the Colombian Consulate, so that we can fill out divorce papers, I want to do this as soon as possible. At first, I literally looked at my phone and was like what the fuck? where did that come from. And then I smiled.
This information, or this message, I only shared with one individual whom I had dinner with last night. The very nice gentleman who bought me flowers after. I had a really nice time, yet I know in my heart that I can only ever be his friend. Maybe, not even that. I feel like this gentleman has romantic feelings for me that I cannot return to him. I do not think is fair, for me to take up any more of his time or thought process, when he could be out spending his time, energy and money, with someone who is a more suitable woman for him.
After receiving the lovely flowers that he gave me, I left feeling extremely sad. At that moment, I realized that I could not remember when was the last time that I had indeed been given flowers. My whole train ride home after spending time with this fine man, I felt extremely sad. The last flowers or flower that I received from a man. Was on Valentine's day about 4 years ago, when my husband came home with a single rose, threw it on the kitchen table and mumbled under his breath Happy Valentine's day.
After that day, I swore that I would never care, that I would never love and that I would never marry anyone ever again. I hated my marriage, I hated my life!
Today, I am sitting here feeling sad, because that same man who threw the rose on the table and gave it to me with no love, finally asked me for a divorce, a divorce, that I have for so long wanted. Today, as I was riding the train, a song came on my IPOD that brought tears to my eyes. Usually, I listen to music and read at the same time, for the most part, I'm involved in my reading so I am not really listening to the music. Today, I put my book down and just listened, and when this song came on, the sounds of the guitar where so deep, that they touched the deepest of my soul and all of a sudden, I was standing on the train doors with tears in my eyes. Thank God I was wearing shades!
I cried because it dawned on me that I will be getting a divorce soon and that once I do so, I am truly free. Yes, I have been free for almost 4 years now, but for some strange reason, I liked to say my husband, because it was almost my shield to not be with anyone, if I have a husband, I cannot have a boyfriend, I cannot marry anyone, I am married. I know exactly why it felt safe, it felt just that, safe.
But safety was not the only reason why I felt sad, I felt sad, because I remembered the day I got married to him, I remembered how much I once loved him, how I did so much for him, how I thought I would finally have the family that I always wanted. I felt sad that my children were not able to grow up with their father, I felt sad that life isn't fair, I felt sad that I don't even know when all this happened. So, I just stood by the doors and cried.
But then, the strangest thing happened, after I experienced that sad moment and I embraced it, a few minutes later I felt extremely happy. I was thrilled, I kept thinking.... HOLY SHIT! I need to get back to him with a day. And then I was soooooo happy! because guess what??? soon I will finally be divorced wooooo hoooooo!!!!!!
I also, after experiencing that moment of happiness. I began to realize and understand why I hesitate what I will write on my live journal. Obviously, one of the reasons is because I am constantly talking about people. I feel like certain people feel like they know me more because they have read what I write, it's really weird when someone says something like... OH Yeah, I saw that. I never thought that my little journal would start to become this way. I had no idea anyone would care or read it. I realize now that all those years that I wrote to undeserving eyes, I could of wrote on here, my live blogger/journal where people that actually want to know can.
I don't force it upon anyone like I did to him, meaning, sending direct emails to him (Benjamin Nunez, that's not really his name). No, I do not, this here is at will. It is my will to write and it is someone's will to read. I share my life because I want especially women to know that they are not alone, that I feel the same things they do. And if a man reads my journal, then I want him to know how deep a woman can be. I have so many ideas for my journal that I can sit here and write all night.
To end this journal I must say this. My other hesitation on writing without thinking, is that I get lost and say too much, yet I don't have anything to hide. I once promised myself, that he who comes into my life, will have to accept the fact that I write my thoughts and I don't lie on my journal, that he who will love me one day, will have to take me as I am, or watch me as I go. This extraordinary man (whom ever he will be) will have to understand that sometimes I might write something he may not want to know, or I might talk about my past in a way that will make him feel uncomfortable.
So, my hesitation is that I have been getting to know someone now for a few months, yet I have never once asked him if he reads my journal, nor do I intend too. I have no idea if he reads it. If this man has read my journal and feels like he can handle my life and feels like he can handle all that I am and feels like he can say to me, I read your journal, because he is ok with it. Then so be it. Only time will tell what the outcome of him and I will be.
But, I must admit that I will not let anything or anyone, ever, get in the way of my goals and my dreams. Even if that means loosing a hundred men in the process. "The one" if there is such a person or if there will be such a thing in my life again, the one that is going to occupy my thoughts and get my heart "that one" whom ever he shall be. Will come when the time is right. I don't know if I met him yet or not, I have no idea, but I will not hesitate again to write the truth on these pages. I will not hesitate to share my life with you, my ever so faithful journal. Because you, I have loved since I was young, you, have been in my life always. I have always kept a journal, and now I am sharing it with the world or rather, with deserving eyes....
Good Night.
The song that made me cry...... Muelle de San Blas by Mana. I LOVE THAT GUITAR!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3vkQZWO_Bw
OMG! I have no idea what the hell I'm doing anymore, but one thing I can say to you is this. For over two years, I wrote a live journal and sent it to someone, who probably deleted every single entry I sent him. One day, I decided that I was going to start you..... My ever so faithful Journal and share you with any and all who wished to come into my life, read my thoughts and experience the world through my eyes.
Lately, as I have began to notice that many people indeed read my thoughts, I have began to feel a sense of hesitation as to what I shall say. This is not good, the point of you, was for me to begin to feel comfortable with sharing my life with others, because one day, I will write a book where my life will be exposed in a very scary way. My thought of sharing this journal, therefore cannot become one where I hold back and keep secrets from you, because you are my live journal.
Back when I was sharing these journal entries with un-deserving eyes (aka Benjamin Nunez, that's not really his name) but when I shared my journals or sent him numerous letters which were really journals because I was sharing my life with him (sort of) I would begin to write and get completely lost in the moment. I would just write away. The words would just flow onto the page, almost without me thinking, I would literally forget that I would be sending that journal entry to someone.
Lately, as I said, I have felt a sort of hesitation when I write, that I am not really liking. For this journal entry, I will allow my hands to do the writing, I will forget that some may see it and I will let myself get lost in this moment....... This one, the only one that counts........
Today as I was riding the train home, it dawned on me that about 3 days ago, I received a voice message from my husband telling me the following. He said, Jazz, I need for you to tell me what day works best for you so that we can meet up and go to the Colombian Consulate, so that we can fill out divorce papers, I want to do this as soon as possible. At first, I literally looked at my phone and was like what the fuck? where did that come from. And then I smiled.
This information, or this message, I only shared with one individual whom I had dinner with last night. The very nice gentleman who bought me flowers after. I had a really nice time, yet I know in my heart that I can only ever be his friend. Maybe, not even that. I feel like this gentleman has romantic feelings for me that I cannot return to him. I do not think is fair, for me to take up any more of his time or thought process, when he could be out spending his time, energy and money, with someone who is a more suitable woman for him.
After receiving the lovely flowers that he gave me, I left feeling extremely sad. At that moment, I realized that I could not remember when was the last time that I had indeed been given flowers. My whole train ride home after spending time with this fine man, I felt extremely sad. The last flowers or flower that I received from a man. Was on Valentine's day about 4 years ago, when my husband came home with a single rose, threw it on the kitchen table and mumbled under his breath Happy Valentine's day.
After that day, I swore that I would never care, that I would never love and that I would never marry anyone ever again. I hated my marriage, I hated my life!
Today, I am sitting here feeling sad, because that same man who threw the rose on the table and gave it to me with no love, finally asked me for a divorce, a divorce, that I have for so long wanted. Today, as I was riding the train, a song came on my IPOD that brought tears to my eyes. Usually, I listen to music and read at the same time, for the most part, I'm involved in my reading so I am not really listening to the music. Today, I put my book down and just listened, and when this song came on, the sounds of the guitar where so deep, that they touched the deepest of my soul and all of a sudden, I was standing on the train doors with tears in my eyes. Thank God I was wearing shades!
I cried because it dawned on me that I will be getting a divorce soon and that once I do so, I am truly free. Yes, I have been free for almost 4 years now, but for some strange reason, I liked to say my husband, because it was almost my shield to not be with anyone, if I have a husband, I cannot have a boyfriend, I cannot marry anyone, I am married. I know exactly why it felt safe, it felt just that, safe.
But safety was not the only reason why I felt sad, I felt sad, because I remembered the day I got married to him, I remembered how much I once loved him, how I did so much for him, how I thought I would finally have the family that I always wanted. I felt sad that my children were not able to grow up with their father, I felt sad that life isn't fair, I felt sad that I don't even know when all this happened. So, I just stood by the doors and cried.
But then, the strangest thing happened, after I experienced that sad moment and I embraced it, a few minutes later I felt extremely happy. I was thrilled, I kept thinking.... HOLY SHIT! I need to get back to him with a day. And then I was soooooo happy! because guess what??? soon I will finally be divorced wooooo hoooooo!!!!!!
I also, after experiencing that moment of happiness. I began to realize and understand why I hesitate what I will write on my live journal. Obviously, one of the reasons is because I am constantly talking about people. I feel like certain people feel like they know me more because they have read what I write, it's really weird when someone says something like... OH Yeah, I saw that. I never thought that my little journal would start to become this way. I had no idea anyone would care or read it. I realize now that all those years that I wrote to undeserving eyes, I could of wrote on here, my live blogger/journal where people that actually want to know can.
I don't force it upon anyone like I did to him, meaning, sending direct emails to him (Benjamin Nunez, that's not really his name). No, I do not, this here is at will. It is my will to write and it is someone's will to read. I share my life because I want especially women to know that they are not alone, that I feel the same things they do. And if a man reads my journal, then I want him to know how deep a woman can be. I have so many ideas for my journal that I can sit here and write all night.
To end this journal I must say this. My other hesitation on writing without thinking, is that I get lost and say too much, yet I don't have anything to hide. I once promised myself, that he who comes into my life, will have to accept the fact that I write my thoughts and I don't lie on my journal, that he who will love me one day, will have to take me as I am, or watch me as I go. This extraordinary man (whom ever he will be) will have to understand that sometimes I might write something he may not want to know, or I might talk about my past in a way that will make him feel uncomfortable.
So, my hesitation is that I have been getting to know someone now for a few months, yet I have never once asked him if he reads my journal, nor do I intend too. I have no idea if he reads it. If this man has read my journal and feels like he can handle my life and feels like he can handle all that I am and feels like he can say to me, I read your journal, because he is ok with it. Then so be it. Only time will tell what the outcome of him and I will be.
But, I must admit that I will not let anything or anyone, ever, get in the way of my goals and my dreams. Even if that means loosing a hundred men in the process. "The one" if there is such a person or if there will be such a thing in my life again, the one that is going to occupy my thoughts and get my heart "that one" whom ever he shall be. Will come when the time is right. I don't know if I met him yet or not, I have no idea, but I will not hesitate again to write the truth on these pages. I will not hesitate to share my life with you, my ever so faithful journal. Because you, I have loved since I was young, you, have been in my life always. I have always kept a journal, and now I am sharing it with the world or rather, with deserving eyes....
Good Night.
The song that made me cry...... Muelle de San Blas by Mana. I LOVE THAT GUITAR!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3vkQZWO_Bw
No comments:
Post a Comment