The other day, I was joking with a friend that his ex girl friend probably went on my FB profile, trying to investigate who I am and what business I have with her ex man. I was telling him that although my business is very public because I keep my profile public, she probably wasn't going to find anything out regarding my business with him, unless she asked him or me.
The social network dilemma in my opinion, is crazy! But I think, that we ourselves make it even crazier. For the most part, instead of asking the person we care about, what business he/she may have with a friend on his/her friend list, we make assumptions and it becomes a huge dilemma, when it shouldn’t go that far. We assume things and make up our own stories in our minds because we let jealousy take control of the situation. I know, because I have been victim of this sort of jealousy myself.
I am the first to admit that I have a jealousy bone or two in my body. However, I am constantly working on learning how to control these feelings, because jealousy is something that if not controlled, can ruin relationships and drive people to do really crazy things. As I have gotten older, I have learned many things about jealousy and one of them is, that we are able to control it. It all goes down to how I feel about myself and how much I trust the person I am being jealous about.
I think that I am a pretty secure woman for the most part, but that doesn’t mean that if someone I am seeing does something in appropriate or straight out disrespectful, that I am not going to feel something about it or that I am not going to say something simply because I don’t want that person to think I am jealous, or because he may think I am insecure. We all have insecurities, we are human. Jealousy, as a friend once said to me, is to a certain extent a healthy feeling. It shows your insecurities, but it also means that you care. I for one won’t be jealous of someone I don’t care about. If I care about you, then I will probably be jealous about any given thing. In my opinion, as long as it is not out of control, then there is nothing wrong with the person you care about or vice versa, to show a little bit of it every now and then. I happen to feel very flattered when someone who cares about me, demonstrates a little of it. As long as he isn’t crazy and out of control with it, I find it very attractive and extremely cute.
With regards to my friend who I was having this conversation with about his ex girlfriend or current girlfriend (they got back together) the truth about our relationship is, that he is my good friend who comes to me for advice, advice about her! If she only knew what type of man she has, she would not in a million years have anything to be insecure about or jealous about. He is my platonic friend that I happen to think is great guy and that is the extent of our relationship. Yet his girlfriend is probably thinking lord knows what type of things about us. Jealousy can blind you to the realities of the situation. This is why trust and communication is so extremely important in a serious relationship and in all relationships for that matter.
I have been confronted by woman before about their men, and I will tell you this, if a woman asks me about her man, I will tell her the truth about our relationship whatever that may be. I am not afraid to be confronted, because I don't date married men, so, if someone lied to me and he happens to be married or in a serious relationship, he is going to get caught. I refuse to lie for anyone.
That evening after my friend and I laughed about his ex or his girlfriend (they are back together) on how she was probably an FBI agent trying to find out who I was. I started thinking about my previous serious relationships and my days of having my very own private investigation practice (no I didn’t really have an office) what I am referring to, is how I am guilty of having been one of these women that would FBI agent my ex man to find out what he was up to! CAUSE I WAS NOT ABOUT TO GET PLAYED!
While I was thinking about it, I couldn’t help but to laugh really really hard at myself, for having been such a ridiculous fool. I was Jazzy, the undercover detective, who in her private investigation, found out absolutely nothing and was still getting played! YES, THAT’S HOW GOOD HE WAS! I got played like a fool and the private investigation led me to finding out absolutely nothing.
When it came to my ex man (my oldest sons father) I was the biggest private eye in NYC! While I was with him, he was one of these cute popular guys who EVERYBODY KNEW. The Graffiti Artist from uptown Manhattan, with the good looks and natural charm. He was extremely popular with the ladies, but everyone knew that I was his girl, so, everyone also covered for him (including the girls) it was crazy! During our relationship, I always felt like something was not right, I would get overwhelmed by the fact that I felt like everyone wanted a piece of my man and like I had to constantly try to find out if he was cheating on me (which he always was) and although I was constantly trying to investigate what he was doing, I was still getting dogged and everyone knew it, except me!
I'm not exaggerating about my investigations, when I tell you that one day I followed him, I followed him for blocks and watched him meet up with his friends. I felt so insecure about what we had that I went to the extreme of following him. As I write this, I cannot believe I did that. Other times, I would look through his belongings, check his beeper (yes I said beeper remember those?) and question his friends as if they were going to tell me something. Just thinking back at all that effort, gets me tired. Being with him was exhausting. Other times I would show up at his apartment at 4am in the morning without letting him know, I would as I used to call it, roll up on his ass, just to see what he was doing, IT WAS CRAZY!
One time, I “rolled up” and found him with 3 other guys and 4 girls hanging out in his apartment, when they saw me, they all looked shocked and scared, I felt like something wasn’t right but I was so naïve that because he immediately said good night to everyone and went to his room with me, It didn’t even dawn on me that they were all there coupled up and the girl he was with, had to watch as the guy she liked left with his girlfriend (me) to go have sex with her in his room. They all covered for him (including her) and I didn’t find out about what she was to him until after our break up WTF!
After I had my baby and him and I finally broke up for good. The stuff I found out was horrible. A few years later I had a conversation with him about the stuff that had happened and the things he had done behind my back and he apologized to me and told me that I didn’t deserve what he had done, but that he was not ready at the time to be in such a serious committed relationship and that is why he done all he did. I understood him and from that experience I learned my lesson.
What lesson did I learn? Well, for one, I learned that in order to commit to someone, you have to get to know them and see if you are both looking for the same things. You have to establish trust and communication in order to build something good. I learned that no matter how much I investigate, it ultimately leads to just a waste of time because some people are just THAT good. I also learned that if you just let things be, eventually all will come out to light and you will find out anyway. Yes I found out after the fact, but, till this day, he says that he knows he lost something great. It was his loss not mine who needs to be with a cheater?
After that relationship, I decided that I will never be one of those women again, I will not go around making a fool out of myself investigating what my man is doing. If I have a concern, I will ask him about it and I will give him the benefit of the doubt. At the end of the day, what he does behind my back is in his conscious and as I said before, EVERYTHING always comes back around to people. If someone I love betrays me and my trust, then he is the one that will loose out.
So, my advice to anyone who stubbles upon this post whether male or female is, if you don’t trust the person you love, you should NOT be with them. Who needs to go around trying to find out what the person you love is doing behind your back all the time? You should never have to feel that way, a committed relationship, should be based on trust and love. Without that, you don’t really have anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment