"Love is a serious mental disease" ~ Plato
I have been feeling deeply depressed to the point that I don't want to leave my bed, I really need to go for a run and snap out of it. The reason for this depressed feeling inside of me is well.... I kind of don't want to put his name on here anymore because why? but the other day we sort of had a good conversation and then he mentioned his girlfriend. Really? I DO NOT want to know shit about his relationship! So I tell him that I really didn't want to hear anything about her and to please be mindful of my feelings for him and to give me time to get used to his new status and then I say, maybe after I find myself someone to call my own we can talk about these sorts of things and the next thing I know I'm getting yelled at by him because he is pissed that I want to move on! REALLY??? SELFISH ASSHOLE! I HATE MEN!
Then he says that him and his girlfriend "it's not really like that" what the FUCK does "it's not really like that" supposed to mean exactly? does it mean he doesn't spend time with her? does it mean he doesn't have sex with her? UGH! does it mean that he doesn't think of her? what does that mean??? and what difference does it make to me anyway????? but the worst part about the whole situation is that now that I realized I'm in love with this jerk face who I can't stop thinking about, is that I then was supposed to hang out with someone and cancelled because I can't do it, I feel loyal! UGH!!!!!
This is the problem with me and I really hate it! when I love someone, I become very loyal and it's not loyal to the person as much as it is loyal to my feelings. I become loyal to my feelings because I feel that if I go and spend time with someone else I will be lying to that person and myself. But, I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN! I am not going to get stuck on stupid I refuse too! as much as I feel that I love this individual if he is with someone then I am going to keep it moving if that is the last thing I do. I can't allow myself to get into a rut where I am thinking about someone because he gives me bits and pieces of himself. You either give me all or nothing and fuck off!
I KNOW this is easier said than done, but I am trying. I asked my friend out on a date and he turned me down. I asked him out because I enjoy his company and I thought that if I hung out with him then at least I could get my mind off of things. This friend is someone that I really like as a person and honestly when I am with him I am with him, I don't think about anyone else. But he said no and although I don't understand why he can't just go out with me and have a good time, I realize also that I need to start eliminating people from my life that use me for their own selfish reasons. So, fuck him too!
Other than the non romantic, romantic drama that has been unfolding in my life lately, nothing has changed but the weather. I am excited about the fact that my semester is nearly over and although I said I was going to ask my professor out after the semester was over. I don't think I will nor do I want to be a woman that goes around asking men out. I asked my friend and got turned down so I am not doing that again. At least with him I didn't feel bad, like honestly deep down inside I was sort of hoping he would say no and I also kind of realize that he isn't the kind of person that can just enjoy life and live the moment. So honestly that was a bad idea asking him. Anyway, asking my professor would be different because if he said no to me I would feel rejected and I am sort of done with being rejected. I am sure I will meet someone I like eventually (hopefully) if not, then I will continue to do what I do, have fun!
By the way journal, I meant to tell you that two weeks ago, he (my professor) totally flirted with me, I was kind of shocked and he makes me very nervous which is my indication that I feel attracted to him which THANK GOD! because I am beginning to think I have serious issues! like yes I will think men are good looking, but to think someone is good looking and to actually feel attracted to them sexually is two very different things! men need to understand this about women, we women we can say something like awww he is so cute! but that's different than when we see a man and think... OMG! he is hot! I would do him! and yes, women do think that. Maybe not young girls, but women do. I am a woman and my professor, well... let's just say I can imagine myself somewhere in a tropical island with him completely naked! OMG!!! he is so intelligent and so damn cute! maybe I should ask him? I don't know, I don't want to start things with anyone to be honest.
So yes, Jazzy is back on stuck on stupid over Mr. Scorpio. But I will get over this nonsense. Love is not in my heart love is in my mind, so if I can control my thoughts, then I can control my feelings. Yes, I have done research and have been reading a lot about cognition and where does love stem from how it happens etc. I think it's an awesome topic and our minds are so amazing that I have to explore and learn about it as much as I can. It intrigues me how love takes over us in some unexplainable way and it doesn't only happen to me, it happens to all people even my 4 year old daughter is already experiencing some sort of feeling for a boy in her class. She talks about him everyday, which clearly demonstrates that he is in her memory and that she thinks of him. God I love this stuff!!! LOVE IT!
Ok journal, so when I come up with an invention that helps people in love fall out of love or to lessen the pain of love and become a million air, I will finally make you a live interactive blog! PROMISE! enough dreaming for now, time to get some school work done. Jewish Diaspora anyone?
Hate that I love you - Rihanna featuring Ne-Yo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMOOr7GEkj8
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