"The unexamined life is not worth living" ~ Socrates
I am writing this post because I have a confession to make that is not so much a journal entry, but a sort of reflection about something that I did that I feel extremely horrible and guilty about. When I started my journal nearly two years ago, I wrote on that first journal entry that I wanted to make this journal about life, I wanted to share my experiences with people so that they could read my entries and in doing so, they could hopefully relate to my challenges and realize that we all as human beings go through almost the same sorts of things. Meaning that we all experience certain feelings and that no matter who you are, you undoubtedly are not perfect in any way shape or form. I am for sure not perfect in any way shape or form, I only hope that in examining the things that I do, I can always grow and learn and become a bit better and hopefully in the process of growing I will not hurt others or betray or do something horrible.
However, I am feeling really horrible lately because I betrayed someone's trust and doing that makes me feel like scum. It really really does and no matter how I try to look at the situation and what I did, what I did was still wrong, it was wrong in my eyes. The worst part about this is that it took me months and months to actually gain the trust of this individual only to betray him and confirm to him that all people that he let's in are scum. How do I make it up to him? or more importantly how will he ever trust others if the one person he was starting to truly believe in let him down?
Although I don't want to write every detail of the situation, it is important for me to write what happened in order for who ever reads this post to sort of understand why I feel the way that I do. My life is an open book and although some will undoubtedly judge me for what I share, I don't care because the point is that I want to write about this situation because not only am I learning from it, but I feel so guilty about it that I have to put it out there for the world to see, I need to put my shame on here my blog because I am not perfect and I don't ever want people thinking that I am some goody goody person that doesn't mess up from time to time. I do mess up ALOT! but I don't ever do anything with intentions to hurt anyone or disrespect anyone. I am just living my life and as a single woman, who doesn't really date I still end up in some crappy situations sometimes because no matter how hard I try NOT TO MESS UP, people's feelings are involved and therefore things just turn out messed up.
So I went to a wedding about a year and a half ago to another state, while I was there I met this guy who I started to talk to and became romantically involved with. Due to the distance he and I never really had a serious relationship, but I must admit that there were many times that I felt that he was definitely someone that I could see myself with. Although he is younger than I am (shocker) he already has children and it was this very thing that made it comfortable for me to see myself with him. Additionally, I kept thinking that if things worked out between us, I would leave NYC in a heartbeat after I finished school and he and I could be together.
After he and I met I went back to visit him and while I was there I met one of his friends, his friend at the time was dating someone and I offered all of them my home in the event that they ever wanted to visit NYC. His friend and I stayed in touch mostly because the guy I was seeing and I would stop talking for weeks sometimes because we would constantly fight, so in order for me to find out how he was doing, I would contact his friend to ask him.
We had this crazy relationship because he was all over the place and although I knew he cared about me he wasn't were he needed to be in order to give to me what I would of liked to have from him. Basically, I wasn't going to move and neither was he so we pretty much although we both wanted each other we both weren't willing to give anything up. I knew that he didn't trust me at first, but as he got to know me he began to trust me, he really really did and I so greatly appreciated it because I knew that to him like myself, trust was a big deal.
He and I went on vacation last summer and although we were together for three nights when we slept we each slept on a different sides of the bed. He and I are so much alike that I sort of saw myself in him and I feel that he saw himself in me, we both have this extreme fear of commitment, trust and intimacy and that is the reason why what we had sort of made sense. The feelings we had for one another were immense. I cannot say that I was in love with him because it never got to that, but he was definitely someone that I thought I would give my love to if he would of done the right things, I also know that he wanted to give me his love but was just afraid of doing so.
I would always understand everything about him even the fact that he is the type of man that all women want, the handsome bad boy that is constantly using a woman to get what he needs, his charm and free spirit and looks are just crazy! he is a woman magnet and had I not been older than he is and had I not been around as much as I have been, I would of probably fell victim of his games and his charm and probably would of thought that I was madly in love with him because that's what he made you want to feel for him. However, I never was in love with him because I don't just fall in love with people falling in love in my opinion takes time and really getting to know a person, still I sympathized with him I understood him and could relate to him. But the most important thing about us was that we were honest to one another, he told me about all the women that surrounded him, who they were, what they meant, what they did for him EVERYTHING. He was my friend, my true friend who knew that I would never judge him based on him being a player or him having so many women in his life. I know that when the right one comes, he will be true to her and I also know that if he could of given me what I needed, he would of left them all just to be with me. I am positive about it.
Although our romantic relationship ended and it wasn't in a bad way but rather a mutual understanding, he and I kept in touch. I also stayed in touch with his friend because his friend is very respectful and was always very nice to me. Part of me however always knew that his friend was trying to get something from me I knew this because he would say certain things that would feel confusing. Part of me felt like I wanted to experiment with the idea, but the other part of me kept thinking that this whole situation was wrong. At one point, I even stopped talking to the friend because I felt wrong doing so, in my heart I knew who I cared about and didn't want to end up in some crazy situation. When I would ask people about their thoughts about this, they would always tell me that I wasn't doing anything wrong, after all, I no longer had any sort of romantic interactions with this first person and additionally, he was moving on with his life as I should be also, still, why did I feel so guilty?
A few months ago his friend asked me if my offer for him to come to NY still stood and I immediately said ok. However the whole time before his visit, I kept thinking that him coming to NY was wrong in so many levels, like for starters his friend who was the person I actually had a romantic relationship with, never got around to coming to NY to see me yet we would often talk about it, yet here I was about to live the experience with his friend, it all just felt wrong. To make myself feel better, I contacted the one that I had a romantic relationship with and I told him that his friend was coming to visit and that I hope he didn't mind. Obviously, this made him upset as he should have been.
Part of me didn't feel bad because well we are no longer romantically linked, but the part of me that still sees him with loving eyes, felt horrible! he's the one I always liked, he's the one I always felt close to, he's the one I always wanted to enjoy NY with. So what happened when his friend did come visit me? well, for starters I felt crummy about him being here. Secondly, I kept thinking about the other guy and talking about him to his friend to the point that I had to stop myself because I could tell it felt uncomfortable to him. Lastly although I was very nice to him while he was here, I kept feeling this sort of resentment towards him, like a feeling of dislike. I felt like he came here on purpose to prove a point since they sort of have a rivalry between them. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of two friends who are trying to prove to each other that the other is better. Although I honestly never saw that rivalry from the part of the guy I was romantically involved with, I definitely noticed it in the friend that was visiting me. I don't understand why? and neither one of them is better, they are both just very different people.
While writing this post I realize that although technically I didn't do anything wrong, what I did was horrible! and I feel horrible about it! I betrayed the trust of someone that was meaningful to me even though he and I are not romantically involved anymore. Also, I know that he saw me as a woman that is sincere and genuine and look what I did? I really do try to be sincere and genuine which is why before his friend came to visit me I contacted him and told him about it. Still, I should of never allowed his friend to come visit unless he came with him.
I am really sorry I truly am! I don't like comparing two people but honestly, you can't compare someone you have these strong emotional attachments to, to someone that you see as just a good friend in a platonic way. While his friend was in NY I made it perfectly clear to him that if in the back of his mind there was ever any underlying reason for him coming to NY, it was NEVER going to happen, because if I had to make a choice which I don't, but if I did have to then there is no doubt in my mind that the bad boy is the one I would be with. Yes I would! he made me feel like not many are capable of and for that reason, and that reason only do I feel like I betrayed him. I screwed up in that I betrayed his trust and he probably now sees me as he sees all other women that he has cared about. But what am I supposed to do? I am just living my life trying to do right by all people I meet. But honestly, sometimes it feels like a huge task that I am just tired of carrying out.
Foxy Brown - Sorry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuX5dfMA668
please note: the songs I attach to my blog posts are not dedications, it's just that I love music and can always sort of find a song to relate to my writing or the subject of my post....... music..... so lovely it is!
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