Dear Journal:
I feel so great today! maybe it's because I had a good night sleep and oh yeah, because I sent the guy that I went out on a date with a message letting him know that I will not be seeing him again http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/11/maybe-im-just-bad-girl.html. I decided last night that I am not ready to date people and I am not going to force myself just because it's what society or my mother or family or children or anyone for that matter feel that I should be doing. I also don't want to hang out with one person and while I'm hanging out with them, to be thinking about someone else because that just isn't fair to myself or the person I'm hanging out with. When I spend time with someone, I want to spend time with them and be present mind and body. It just doesn't feel right to me that I'm hanging out with someone and in the back of my mind there is the thought of someone else lingering over me. Not a good feeling at all journal. I also feel like I am forcing myself and quite honestly I am too damn old to be forcing myself to do things that I don't feel comfortable doing.
Also, yes I did appreciate that this gentleman felt that he wanted me and that he knew what he wanted, but how do you know you want me based on a few conversations one kiss and a night of hanging out? I think it takes a hell of a lot more to really get to know someone and decide if they are the person you want to have something special with. I always say something special because I don't really believe in the "forever" theory, like yes of course once two people are in love they start to automatically feel that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other, but the reality of the matter is that wanting and actually doing it, is two very different things. Having something special with someone in my opinion is two people who like each other, care for one another are getting to know each other and slowly seeing if the other is the person they would like to get seriously involved with.
And of course having something special with someone would also require that there shouldn't be anyone else in the mix, meaning you are sharing something special with just one person not dating a bunch of people at the same time which is something I don't think I would be able to manage neither emotionally or physically. I barely have time for myself let alone more than one person in my life at a time. I think that when people are seeing more that one person at a time at that point they are just playing the field and are just having fun and playing games with people, something I refuse to do to anyone. If I don't see you the way you see me than I will let you know because I am not one to go around playing mind games with people, that just isn't cool! I always try to be honest I am even honest in saying to people that I don't know what I want. I really respect individuals that say that they don't know what they want, because it is OK to not know what we want. Why do you have to meet someone and automatically know? like I know what I want when I think of being with someone or the personality traits I would like the person I end up with to have. But when I initially meet someone, I don't automatically know they are the person I want.
Anyway, the fact that this man who took me out was already talking relationship, made him seem a bit needy and the last thing I need in my life is a needy person. I think that knowing what you want is great, but to tell someone on the first date that what they want is you, kind of makes me feel uneasy. I mean I'm flattered that you think I'm cute and funny and smart and fun but what you don't know about me is that I have a nasty temper and I can become a raving BITCH! can you handle that? not many men can. I really think that it is important that people are friends before getting romantically involved. Dr. Paul Dobransky in his book the Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, says that the first two steps of a rewarding relationship is attraction first then friendship. I agree!
I loved the way things were developing with AJ and I, that is why I miss him all the time. He and I were friends and everything developed so naturally it was so awesome the way things felt with him. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I think the best relationships are built on friendships and to me that is natural and normal and real. I think that my past relationships have failed because they always started out romantically and I always felt like I had to hide things, but when you are friends with someone first, you don't hide anything you feel comfortable and it's easier to be yourself.
With that said, last night I told one of my guy friends that I have known now for two years that I think I have a crush on him. It's really weird because he and I tell each other EVERYTHING! however a little over a month ago, he tells me about this girl that he likes and as usual I didn't think anything of it, but then I saw her. She is very pretty and I was happy for him. But then I tried being nice to her and said hi to her and she ignored me. I wanted to say hello to the girl my friend likes because then if they end up together I would more then likely be cool with her. When she ignored me, she gave me the impression that she is one of these women that think they are too good for the rest of the world. After that incident, I went back to my friend and flipped out! I was so angry because I could tell that her intentions with him were purely based on her wanting someone to boost her huge ego.
The reason why I know this, is because he had already told me how their conversations were developing and I could tell she was the type of woman that enjoys attention and plays games with men to feel good about herself. Anyway, I was furious going off on him about her and he kept laughing at me because I don't think he had ever seen me so pissed off. He kept laughing and telling me calm down Jazzy! After that day I kept questioning if my jealousy might have something to do with my feelings for him? ever since I have known him, I have always told myself that I deserve a guy just like him! he is sincerely one of the most awesome guys that I know. He is genuine and really caring and funny and smart and kind and friendly and so extremely respectful to women. When I met him he had a girlfriend and he treated her so great! he loved her so much and she was such a raving.... UGH! but I never before saw him in a romantic way NEVER I did always think that he is very cute, but he is not my type and he knows my type so I think that because he isn't the type of guy (physically) that I go for, it is easy for me to be his platonic friend. Yet still, I am having these mixed feelings about him lately.
Anyway, I have been thinking about this for over a month now and so last night I just felt like I needed to tell him and so I did and we talked about it. I felt that I had to be honest with him in what I am feeling and experiencing because he is one of my best male friends. I told him that our friendship is so meaningful to me that I don't want to ruin it based on me being selfish or feeling lonely or because I want him to give me the attention he is giving to other women that don't deserve him. He told me that he feels the same way about this situation and that he has thought about me the same way, but also doesn't want to ruin our friendship and that it all feels very strange. It really does, because he can black mail me so bad! he knows my dirt, he knows EVERYTHING! and vice versa. But again I never before saw him in a romantic way and nothing has ever happened between us, which is why I think he and I shouldn't go there, I think we are both just going through things at this moment that sort of make us feel this way. I think we are both just kind of lonely even though we both are constantly talking to other people and we both like other people.
There is someone that I have liked now for about three months, he and I were attracted to each other when we first met so our friendship began to develop differently, yet we are just friends. I really like being just his friend because it has given me the opportunity to get to know him as a person. Also right after we first met, he once told me while we were having a conversation that he didn't really know how he felt about relationships and that he had taken this girl out for drinks so I automatically assumed that he wasn't interested in me romantically so I told myself that I had to see him as just a guy that I found attractive but that we were just friends.
After that, I expressed my interest in him to him and he told me that nothing was ever going to happen between us and after that day I told myself that I needed to see him as just a platonic friend who I really valued because we just got along so well and I decided that I liked him so much as a person, that I wanted to be in his life more so as a platonic friend than anything else. Whenever we are around each other, it is just so cool and natural and fun. We both have th same sense of humor and we get each other and this is exactly the reasons why people call each other friends, because they have common interests and common ideas and get each other.
Recently I found out that he is seeing someone. Immediately I felt extremely jealous so I decided that it was in my best interest to stay away from him a little. Not because I can't handle the fact that he is seeing someone, but because he and I would talk all the time but as soon as he started seeing someone he began to change with me. I understand this change because obviously if he is seeing someone he now has a new person to give his attention to.
I understand completely that when my male friends find significant others that our friendship changes. This happens even with my female friends. Usually, when I feel that my friends get all wrapped up in their relationships, I will send them messages randomly after they find someone and say things like... YOU DON'T LOVE ME! because I know all to well that most people if not all people, once they are involved with someone they sort of forget their friends. I used to do it too, so I know. Anyway, I don't like the way things feel with my most current friend who is now seeing someone, with him, it feels more like I just broke up with someone and it shouldn't feel that way.
I feel like with him I can't really talk about what I am feeling because I think he thinks that everything I do or did revolved around him. I am just his friend and in my mind that is what I kept thinking. I tell him everything, all of my dirt because I trust him and his opinions, I want our friendship to be genuine and honest because that is what friendship means to me. I am capable of being friends with men because I know how to separate and accept things as they are even if sometimes I would find myself thinking about him more than I should, but then again I find myself thinking about my friend that I have known for over two years more often than I should also.
So then I think to myself, well... what does this mean? and I think it means that I am just a jealous friend, I was so jealous when I found out he is seeing someone, except I am not sure what I am more jealous about. Am I jealous because I am not seeing anyone myself? or I am jealous because I'm not the one he is seeing? or am I jealous because now I won't have his time like I did before? I don't know exactly what I am jealous about?
Still, I want my friends to be happy because my friends are very important to me and I want the best for them. I don't want to be that selfish friend that hates on her friends because they are happy! I never want to be that person. So maybe staying away from both my friends is a good idea, just a little distance nothing crazy. Maybe I need to go out and find myself a man that is all mine so that he can give all his attention to me, but then again I don't know that, that is necessarily what I want and need right now. I am so selfish about my single life because I want to come and go as I please and do whatever I want without having to worry about someone's opinion.
At the end of the day, women will come and go from both of my friends lives or maybe they will marry one of them, yet I will always be their friend. I will be here to listen and hold their hands, understand them, or just laugh with them if that is what they need. I know what being someone's friend means.
So maybe I am just feeling low because one of my friends is seeing someone and my other friend is talking to all these girls and he didn't do that before. And so now they are both giving their attention to different women and therefore they no longer have time for Jazzy. So I am jealous and selfish because I don't want my friends to neglect me for other women, except I know that they are just living their lives and that they are doing what they should be doing and it isn't their fault that I am all over the place and cant decide on what I want, how is that their problem? I am so needy of my friends sometimes and I don't like that.
Seeing that my guys are doing their thing makes me feel jealous. I don't ever want to do to anyone else what I don't want to be done to me and today I am thinking clearly and I know that I need to see my friends all of them as they are.. JUST FRIENDS... and not allow my emotions to get out of control. I love all my friends very much. I don't go around calling just anyone a friend, the word friend is over used and so when I think of someone as my friend I call them that because I love them and respect them and allow them to be part of my life. I don't want to loose any of my friends over my jealousy. Jealousy is not a good sentiment, not good at all!
What I need to do is just relax, focus again on the things that matter and on what I am doing. One day someone will come into my life and I won't be afraid and I won't have mixed feelings and I won't have to be needy of my friends because I will be getting all the attention I require from one guy. The last thing I want to do is to loose all of my wonderful men friends over some emotional breakdown situation. Life is so amazingly beautiful! everyday I experience wonderful things. I always want to make the right decisions based on being logical and not always allowing my emotions to control situations. Yes I should listen to my heart, but I also have to keep in mind that my heart can be very selfish, my heart is capable of good and bad (anger, jealousy, hate) sentiments that I do not want in my life. I have to keep a clean heart in order to make the right choices and in order for me to keep a clean heart I need my logic to come into play. Therefore, it is important to take a step back and not base all my decisions on what I am feeling. But rather go the route of 50/50 my heart and my logic. That makes sense!
Today is a beautiful day journal and all is well!
Never say Never - The Fray
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfGRUCsObZ0
I feel so great today! maybe it's because I had a good night sleep and oh yeah, because I sent the guy that I went out on a date with a message letting him know that I will not be seeing him again http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/11/maybe-im-just-bad-girl.html. I decided last night that I am not ready to date people and I am not going to force myself just because it's what society or my mother or family or children or anyone for that matter feel that I should be doing. I also don't want to hang out with one person and while I'm hanging out with them, to be thinking about someone else because that just isn't fair to myself or the person I'm hanging out with. When I spend time with someone, I want to spend time with them and be present mind and body. It just doesn't feel right to me that I'm hanging out with someone and in the back of my mind there is the thought of someone else lingering over me. Not a good feeling at all journal. I also feel like I am forcing myself and quite honestly I am too damn old to be forcing myself to do things that I don't feel comfortable doing.
Also, yes I did appreciate that this gentleman felt that he wanted me and that he knew what he wanted, but how do you know you want me based on a few conversations one kiss and a night of hanging out? I think it takes a hell of a lot more to really get to know someone and decide if they are the person you want to have something special with. I always say something special because I don't really believe in the "forever" theory, like yes of course once two people are in love they start to automatically feel that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other, but the reality of the matter is that wanting and actually doing it, is two very different things. Having something special with someone in my opinion is two people who like each other, care for one another are getting to know each other and slowly seeing if the other is the person they would like to get seriously involved with.
And of course having something special with someone would also require that there shouldn't be anyone else in the mix, meaning you are sharing something special with just one person not dating a bunch of people at the same time which is something I don't think I would be able to manage neither emotionally or physically. I barely have time for myself let alone more than one person in my life at a time. I think that when people are seeing more that one person at a time at that point they are just playing the field and are just having fun and playing games with people, something I refuse to do to anyone. If I don't see you the way you see me than I will let you know because I am not one to go around playing mind games with people, that just isn't cool! I always try to be honest I am even honest in saying to people that I don't know what I want. I really respect individuals that say that they don't know what they want, because it is OK to not know what we want. Why do you have to meet someone and automatically know? like I know what I want when I think of being with someone or the personality traits I would like the person I end up with to have. But when I initially meet someone, I don't automatically know they are the person I want.
Anyway, the fact that this man who took me out was already talking relationship, made him seem a bit needy and the last thing I need in my life is a needy person. I think that knowing what you want is great, but to tell someone on the first date that what they want is you, kind of makes me feel uneasy. I mean I'm flattered that you think I'm cute and funny and smart and fun but what you don't know about me is that I have a nasty temper and I can become a raving BITCH! can you handle that? not many men can. I really think that it is important that people are friends before getting romantically involved. Dr. Paul Dobransky in his book the Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love, says that the first two steps of a rewarding relationship is attraction first then friendship. I agree!
I loved the way things were developing with AJ and I, that is why I miss him all the time. He and I were friends and everything developed so naturally it was so awesome the way things felt with him. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I think the best relationships are built on friendships and to me that is natural and normal and real. I think that my past relationships have failed because they always started out romantically and I always felt like I had to hide things, but when you are friends with someone first, you don't hide anything you feel comfortable and it's easier to be yourself.
With that said, last night I told one of my guy friends that I have known now for two years that I think I have a crush on him. It's really weird because he and I tell each other EVERYTHING! however a little over a month ago, he tells me about this girl that he likes and as usual I didn't think anything of it, but then I saw her. She is very pretty and I was happy for him. But then I tried being nice to her and said hi to her and she ignored me. I wanted to say hello to the girl my friend likes because then if they end up together I would more then likely be cool with her. When she ignored me, she gave me the impression that she is one of these women that think they are too good for the rest of the world. After that incident, I went back to my friend and flipped out! I was so angry because I could tell that her intentions with him were purely based on her wanting someone to boost her huge ego.
The reason why I know this, is because he had already told me how their conversations were developing and I could tell she was the type of woman that enjoys attention and plays games with men to feel good about herself. Anyway, I was furious going off on him about her and he kept laughing at me because I don't think he had ever seen me so pissed off. He kept laughing and telling me calm down Jazzy! After that day I kept questioning if my jealousy might have something to do with my feelings for him? ever since I have known him, I have always told myself that I deserve a guy just like him! he is sincerely one of the most awesome guys that I know. He is genuine and really caring and funny and smart and kind and friendly and so extremely respectful to women. When I met him he had a girlfriend and he treated her so great! he loved her so much and she was such a raving.... UGH! but I never before saw him in a romantic way NEVER I did always think that he is very cute, but he is not my type and he knows my type so I think that because he isn't the type of guy (physically) that I go for, it is easy for me to be his platonic friend. Yet still, I am having these mixed feelings about him lately.
Anyway, I have been thinking about this for over a month now and so last night I just felt like I needed to tell him and so I did and we talked about it. I felt that I had to be honest with him in what I am feeling and experiencing because he is one of my best male friends. I told him that our friendship is so meaningful to me that I don't want to ruin it based on me being selfish or feeling lonely or because I want him to give me the attention he is giving to other women that don't deserve him. He told me that he feels the same way about this situation and that he has thought about me the same way, but also doesn't want to ruin our friendship and that it all feels very strange. It really does, because he can black mail me so bad! he knows my dirt, he knows EVERYTHING! and vice versa. But again I never before saw him in a romantic way and nothing has ever happened between us, which is why I think he and I shouldn't go there, I think we are both just going through things at this moment that sort of make us feel this way. I think we are both just kind of lonely even though we both are constantly talking to other people and we both like other people.
There is someone that I have liked now for about three months, he and I were attracted to each other when we first met so our friendship began to develop differently, yet we are just friends. I really like being just his friend because it has given me the opportunity to get to know him as a person. Also right after we first met, he once told me while we were having a conversation that he didn't really know how he felt about relationships and that he had taken this girl out for drinks so I automatically assumed that he wasn't interested in me romantically so I told myself that I had to see him as just a guy that I found attractive but that we were just friends.
After that, I expressed my interest in him to him and he told me that nothing was ever going to happen between us and after that day I told myself that I needed to see him as just a platonic friend who I really valued because we just got along so well and I decided that I liked him so much as a person, that I wanted to be in his life more so as a platonic friend than anything else. Whenever we are around each other, it is just so cool and natural and fun. We both have th same sense of humor and we get each other and this is exactly the reasons why people call each other friends, because they have common interests and common ideas and get each other.
Recently I found out that he is seeing someone. Immediately I felt extremely jealous so I decided that it was in my best interest to stay away from him a little. Not because I can't handle the fact that he is seeing someone, but because he and I would talk all the time but as soon as he started seeing someone he began to change with me. I understand this change because obviously if he is seeing someone he now has a new person to give his attention to.
I understand completely that when my male friends find significant others that our friendship changes. This happens even with my female friends. Usually, when I feel that my friends get all wrapped up in their relationships, I will send them messages randomly after they find someone and say things like... YOU DON'T LOVE ME! because I know all to well that most people if not all people, once they are involved with someone they sort of forget their friends. I used to do it too, so I know. Anyway, I don't like the way things feel with my most current friend who is now seeing someone, with him, it feels more like I just broke up with someone and it shouldn't feel that way.
I feel like with him I can't really talk about what I am feeling because I think he thinks that everything I do or did revolved around him. I am just his friend and in my mind that is what I kept thinking. I tell him everything, all of my dirt because I trust him and his opinions, I want our friendship to be genuine and honest because that is what friendship means to me. I am capable of being friends with men because I know how to separate and accept things as they are even if sometimes I would find myself thinking about him more than I should, but then again I find myself thinking about my friend that I have known for over two years more often than I should also.
So then I think to myself, well... what does this mean? and I think it means that I am just a jealous friend, I was so jealous when I found out he is seeing someone, except I am not sure what I am more jealous about. Am I jealous because I am not seeing anyone myself? or I am jealous because I'm not the one he is seeing? or am I jealous because now I won't have his time like I did before? I don't know exactly what I am jealous about?
Still, I want my friends to be happy because my friends are very important to me and I want the best for them. I don't want to be that selfish friend that hates on her friends because they are happy! I never want to be that person. So maybe staying away from both my friends is a good idea, just a little distance nothing crazy. Maybe I need to go out and find myself a man that is all mine so that he can give all his attention to me, but then again I don't know that, that is necessarily what I want and need right now. I am so selfish about my single life because I want to come and go as I please and do whatever I want without having to worry about someone's opinion.
At the end of the day, women will come and go from both of my friends lives or maybe they will marry one of them, yet I will always be their friend. I will be here to listen and hold their hands, understand them, or just laugh with them if that is what they need. I know what being someone's friend means.
So maybe I am just feeling low because one of my friends is seeing someone and my other friend is talking to all these girls and he didn't do that before. And so now they are both giving their attention to different women and therefore they no longer have time for Jazzy. So I am jealous and selfish because I don't want my friends to neglect me for other women, except I know that they are just living their lives and that they are doing what they should be doing and it isn't their fault that I am all over the place and cant decide on what I want, how is that their problem? I am so needy of my friends sometimes and I don't like that.
Seeing that my guys are doing their thing makes me feel jealous. I don't ever want to do to anyone else what I don't want to be done to me and today I am thinking clearly and I know that I need to see my friends all of them as they are.. JUST FRIENDS... and not allow my emotions to get out of control. I love all my friends very much. I don't go around calling just anyone a friend, the word friend is over used and so when I think of someone as my friend I call them that because I love them and respect them and allow them to be part of my life. I don't want to loose any of my friends over my jealousy. Jealousy is not a good sentiment, not good at all!
What I need to do is just relax, focus again on the things that matter and on what I am doing. One day someone will come into my life and I won't be afraid and I won't have mixed feelings and I won't have to be needy of my friends because I will be getting all the attention I require from one guy. The last thing I want to do is to loose all of my wonderful men friends over some emotional breakdown situation. Life is so amazingly beautiful! everyday I experience wonderful things. I always want to make the right decisions based on being logical and not always allowing my emotions to control situations. Yes I should listen to my heart, but I also have to keep in mind that my heart can be very selfish, my heart is capable of good and bad (anger, jealousy, hate) sentiments that I do not want in my life. I have to keep a clean heart in order to make the right choices and in order for me to keep a clean heart I need my logic to come into play. Therefore, it is important to take a step back and not base all my decisions on what I am feeling. But rather go the route of 50/50 my heart and my logic. That makes sense!
Today is a beautiful day journal and all is well!
Never say Never - The Fray
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfGRUCsObZ0
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