Dear Journal:
I am so extremely emotionally drained I almost feel numb. When you feel numb, you just don't feel. A few months ago I began to realize something that I sort of knew but didn't want to admit to myself and that was that I had fallen in love with someone new WOW! AMAZING! the thing about it is, that I had tried so many strategies to try to forget Benjamin Nunez and all along, the best way to forget one person is to just give someone new a chance. I would often send Benjamin emails telling him all my different strategies on how I was trying to forget him, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I had so many that I can write a whole other post just on strategies on moving on from the one you love. In reality however, all it takes is true effort the effort to allow yourself the opportunity to really give someone else a real chance. But only when you are ready to.
A year ago, I met someone on line who I became friends with and well I know that virtual relationships seem strange to people, but when it comes to fulfilling one of our basic human needs which is the need of love and feeling of belonging, if someone is able to fulfill that need than it isn't extremely necessary for you to be next to that person at all times or physical with them. I am not saying that it is not important and that you shouldn't YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD! but what I am saying is that sometimes the circumstances don't allow the physical aspect to happen right away, so you work with what you can. Anyway, I realized a few months ago that I was in love with AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and the reason why I realized it was, because I couldn't stop thinking about him even though we didn't see each other or talked, even though I meet hundreds of people on line and talk to men in person and go on casual dates etc.
He and I were not talking and we finally made up and when we did, I found out that he had found himself a girlfriend. OF COURSE! but here is the thing, at first when we made up he kept it from me even though I had not told him yet how I felt and then I told him how I felt and I had to pull teeth to get him to answer my question. I feel that he was afraid that if he told me he would loose me again and of course that is exactly what happened. Initially, when he told me I flipped out on him as if me loving him gave me the right to be upset that he found someone to be with, even though we were not even speaking to each other. The reality is that he was just doing what you do in life, you move on. And he told me that he was sorry, that he didn't understand why I was upset because he had met someone and was moving on, when that is what I should of done also. Well, I didn't know I felt this way about him until after it was too late! how is that his problem? I am so confused!
The next day after I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, I woke up and I kept thinking to myself, that I have become rather selfish lately and that if I don't get my way I get all pissed off and cut people off and that isn't very nice. Yes I am in love with him, however, I am not like dying either, like I am in love with him but since I knew him first as a friend, I love him more as a friend and I prefer to keep him in my life as my friend even though I know he is with someone else. I don't think I have ever done that before, but because he and I never had a romantic relationship and we love each other as friends, I can't loose him again, his friendship is so valuable to me, because not many people know me the way he does and not many people do I meet that I can truly say I trust the way I trust him.
So yes, maybe I feel hurt that he has a girlfriend, but I can still be his friend and at least know that now I can randomly check up on him to see how he is doing. I don't want to know much about the girl because honestly I can't be the one he comes to for advice on his love life, because I will honestly not be able to handle hearing about it, but at least I know that I am special to him and that he loves me also and that in each other we have found true friendship something that you don't find everyday.
I know now that what I need to do is move on myself and find myself someone new to give me love too and although I am not one to fall for people easily at least now I know where I stand and I can move forward and try to focus not so much on the fact that I am in love with someone new that due to the circumstances has moved on, but rather focus on the fact that I am capable of loving other people something I honestly thought I couldn't ever do again.
I loved someone for so long thinking that I could never find anyone else to fill my heart with love, that I shut my heart down and didn't give people a chance and because of that, I lost AJ and thinking about that frustrates me, because AJ cared about me and wanted me in a romantic way and because I was so blind by loving someone else I never gave him a fair chance and now someone else has him. Well, it is what it is and this time, I promise journal I will not get stuck on stupid, I have learned from my mistakes and if I meet someone that I genuinely like, I will give myself and that person a chance because I have learned SO MUCH! and the main thing that I have learned is that you HAVE TO KEEP IT MOVING! men do it ALL THE TIME!
I am going to keep it moving because I will not make the same mistakes over and over again! LIVE AND LEARN!
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-am-currently-reading-no-ordinary.html
I am so extremely emotionally drained I almost feel numb. When you feel numb, you just don't feel. A few months ago I began to realize something that I sort of knew but didn't want to admit to myself and that was that I had fallen in love with someone new WOW! AMAZING! the thing about it is, that I had tried so many strategies to try to forget Benjamin Nunez and all along, the best way to forget one person is to just give someone new a chance. I would often send Benjamin emails telling him all my different strategies on how I was trying to forget him, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/omg-my-first-blog-entry.html I had so many that I can write a whole other post just on strategies on moving on from the one you love. In reality however, all it takes is true effort the effort to allow yourself the opportunity to really give someone else a real chance. But only when you are ready to.
A year ago, I met someone on line who I became friends with and well I know that virtual relationships seem strange to people, but when it comes to fulfilling one of our basic human needs which is the need of love and feeling of belonging, if someone is able to fulfill that need than it isn't extremely necessary for you to be next to that person at all times or physical with them. I am not saying that it is not important and that you shouldn't YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD! but what I am saying is that sometimes the circumstances don't allow the physical aspect to happen right away, so you work with what you can. Anyway, I realized a few months ago that I was in love with AJ http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html and the reason why I realized it was, because I couldn't stop thinking about him even though we didn't see each other or talked, even though I meet hundreds of people on line and talk to men in person and go on casual dates etc.
He and I were not talking and we finally made up and when we did, I found out that he had found himself a girlfriend. OF COURSE! but here is the thing, at first when we made up he kept it from me even though I had not told him yet how I felt and then I told him how I felt and I had to pull teeth to get him to answer my question. I feel that he was afraid that if he told me he would loose me again and of course that is exactly what happened. Initially, when he told me I flipped out on him as if me loving him gave me the right to be upset that he found someone to be with, even though we were not even speaking to each other. The reality is that he was just doing what you do in life, you move on. And he told me that he was sorry, that he didn't understand why I was upset because he had met someone and was moving on, when that is what I should of done also. Well, I didn't know I felt this way about him until after it was too late! how is that his problem? I am so confused!
The next day after I told him I didn't want to talk to him again, I woke up and I kept thinking to myself, that I have become rather selfish lately and that if I don't get my way I get all pissed off and cut people off and that isn't very nice. Yes I am in love with him, however, I am not like dying either, like I am in love with him but since I knew him first as a friend, I love him more as a friend and I prefer to keep him in my life as my friend even though I know he is with someone else. I don't think I have ever done that before, but because he and I never had a romantic relationship and we love each other as friends, I can't loose him again, his friendship is so valuable to me, because not many people know me the way he does and not many people do I meet that I can truly say I trust the way I trust him.
So yes, maybe I feel hurt that he has a girlfriend, but I can still be his friend and at least know that now I can randomly check up on him to see how he is doing. I don't want to know much about the girl because honestly I can't be the one he comes to for advice on his love life, because I will honestly not be able to handle hearing about it, but at least I know that I am special to him and that he loves me also and that in each other we have found true friendship something that you don't find everyday.
I know now that what I need to do is move on myself and find myself someone new to give me love too and although I am not one to fall for people easily at least now I know where I stand and I can move forward and try to focus not so much on the fact that I am in love with someone new that due to the circumstances has moved on, but rather focus on the fact that I am capable of loving other people something I honestly thought I couldn't ever do again.
I loved someone for so long thinking that I could never find anyone else to fill my heart with love, that I shut my heart down and didn't give people a chance and because of that, I lost AJ and thinking about that frustrates me, because AJ cared about me and wanted me in a romantic way and because I was so blind by loving someone else I never gave him a fair chance and now someone else has him. Well, it is what it is and this time, I promise journal I will not get stuck on stupid, I have learned from my mistakes and if I meet someone that I genuinely like, I will give myself and that person a chance because I have learned SO MUCH! and the main thing that I have learned is that you HAVE TO KEEP IT MOVING! men do it ALL THE TIME!
I am going to keep it moving because I will not make the same mistakes over and over again! LIVE AND LEARN!
http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/01/i-am-currently-reading-no-ordinary.html
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