My Dearest Journal:
When I wrote almost a letter a day to Benjamin for over two years to no reply, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html I learned two very valuable lessons. The first lesson was, that no matter how much you love someone, or how much effort you put into loving someone or showing them how amazing you think they are, but they don't feel the same way, no effort will ever change the way they may feel about you. Because in reality we can't control who our hearts decides to love no matter how much logic or how hard we try to fight it. So what do you do? well, in my case with Benjamin I just kept trying, not giving up.
In five years, there has not been one day that Benjamin doesn't invade my thoughts, however, in those five years there was one person that began to steal my heart from him. I tried to forget him by doing so many things, I had a million strategies, but it wasn't unit AJ that little by little it felt as the name Benjamin was slowly erasing from my memory and the new name replacing it was his. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I miss him so bad! since I last spoke to him in maybe July there isn't one day that doesn't go by that I don't think of him also and wonder how he is doing. The worst part is that I don't know anyone who knows him, he isn't on any site where I can see how he is doing so all I am left with is the thought that I hope he is well.
Today as I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and thinking of how many times I wished he had been on that bridge with me, just hanging out and talking about all his favorite bands and how much he loves the statue of liberty. I kept wondering what it was about him that had this effect on me, why was it that he was the only man in five years that was capable of slowly erasing Benjamin's name from my thoughts and why was it that I felt that I was slowly falling in love with him? and then I realized why.
The reason why that was, was because AJ gave me back what I would give him. AJ was never afraid to be honest with me about his feelings for me, he wasn't afraid to tell me who I was to him and what I was beginning to mean to him, and the only reason why I had any fear, wasn't because he was doing anything wrong, but simply because of my lack of trust. Yet after I lost him I realized that I really didn't have anything to fear at all and that in reality, he was the one person that was helping me to trust again because I would tell him how I felt and he would give me back the same and it was starting to feel safe.
So there on top of the Brooklyn Bridge as people walked pass me with smiles on their faces while taking pictures of the beautiful bridge and the the breath taking scenery all around us, there I was in deep thought of my AJ and tears began to roll down my face and everyone around me was happy and no one noticed the woman who was walking alone with tears in her eyes. In that moment I was in another world a world called AJ... and I missed AJ so desperately.
So I wonder, is it out of sight out of mind? or is it absence makes the heart grow fonder? and after thinking about him and thinking that there is no way for me to know about him and remembering how he made me feel, I realized that absence definitely has made my heart grow fonder, and that you sure don't know what you have until it's gone! I understand why I am feeling all these things lately. I am going through all these emotions because I constantly meet new people and I always try to stay true to myself and others, yet more and more I realize how people lie and how people play with each other and how people never know what they want. But with AJ, even until the very last time we talked he told me the truth. AJ wasn't afraid to tell me how I made him feel, he was so brave and honest. He told me that he couldn't go through meeting me and how he was so afraid because I had pushed him away once before and how he didn't trust me enough to let his guard down.
Why would he trust me after I had pushed him away and treated him like a suspect? but how was I supposed to know that he was genuine and honest? How can I not have started falling in love with such an amazing guy? I was so blind! and so stupid. How could I have known that he was probably one of if not the only truly genuine guy that I have met in so many years? even more genuine and honest then Benjamin, because Benjamin lied to me, he deceived me for his own selfish reasons.
Anyway, a few months ago I tried calling AJ and his number had been disconnected so I thought he had done it because of me. Today however, I was missing him so much I decided just to dial the number just cause, when I did, his voicemail came on. I was so happy just to hear his voice! and after I heard it I just hung up. I will not call him again or bother him again because I do not want to be that obsessed woman in love like I was with Benjamin. But in the deepest of my heart I wish so bad he would come back to me. If he did I would show him that I can be different, that I can be trusting and that I can be intimate and that I can be loyal and committed. That I am capable of loving him unconditionally because I want to, I want to love him because he is worthy of my love. His birthday is in a few days, what I wouldn't give to be able to share his special day with him! last year around this time the plan was that this year around this time, he would be in NY with me and then the following year I would be in his city with him. His beautiful amazing city surrounded by breath taking mountains and wonderful people.
AJ I miss you so much!
Brenda Russel - Piano in The Dark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE-0EcyGQYo&feature=related
When I wrote almost a letter a day to Benjamin for over two years to no reply, http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2011/03/letters-to-friend-series-letter-1-my.html I learned two very valuable lessons. The first lesson was, that no matter how much you love someone, or how much effort you put into loving someone or showing them how amazing you think they are, but they don't feel the same way, no effort will ever change the way they may feel about you. Because in reality we can't control who our hearts decides to love no matter how much logic or how hard we try to fight it. So what do you do? well, in my case with Benjamin I just kept trying, not giving up.
In five years, there has not been one day that Benjamin doesn't invade my thoughts, however, in those five years there was one person that began to steal my heart from him. I tried to forget him by doing so many things, I had a million strategies, but it wasn't unit AJ that little by little it felt as the name Benjamin was slowly erasing from my memory and the new name replacing it was his. http://jazzy-jazzysjournal.blogspot.com/2012/06/f-trust-issues.html I miss him so bad! since I last spoke to him in maybe July there isn't one day that doesn't go by that I don't think of him also and wonder how he is doing. The worst part is that I don't know anyone who knows him, he isn't on any site where I can see how he is doing so all I am left with is the thought that I hope he is well.
Today as I was walking across the Brooklyn Bridge and thinking of how many times I wished he had been on that bridge with me, just hanging out and talking about all his favorite bands and how much he loves the statue of liberty. I kept wondering what it was about him that had this effect on me, why was it that he was the only man in five years that was capable of slowly erasing Benjamin's name from my thoughts and why was it that I felt that I was slowly falling in love with him? and then I realized why.
The reason why that was, was because AJ gave me back what I would give him. AJ was never afraid to be honest with me about his feelings for me, he wasn't afraid to tell me who I was to him and what I was beginning to mean to him, and the only reason why I had any fear, wasn't because he was doing anything wrong, but simply because of my lack of trust. Yet after I lost him I realized that I really didn't have anything to fear at all and that in reality, he was the one person that was helping me to trust again because I would tell him how I felt and he would give me back the same and it was starting to feel safe.
So there on top of the Brooklyn Bridge as people walked pass me with smiles on their faces while taking pictures of the beautiful bridge and the the breath taking scenery all around us, there I was in deep thought of my AJ and tears began to roll down my face and everyone around me was happy and no one noticed the woman who was walking alone with tears in her eyes. In that moment I was in another world a world called AJ... and I missed AJ so desperately.
So I wonder, is it out of sight out of mind? or is it absence makes the heart grow fonder? and after thinking about him and thinking that there is no way for me to know about him and remembering how he made me feel, I realized that absence definitely has made my heart grow fonder, and that you sure don't know what you have until it's gone! I understand why I am feeling all these things lately. I am going through all these emotions because I constantly meet new people and I always try to stay true to myself and others, yet more and more I realize how people lie and how people play with each other and how people never know what they want. But with AJ, even until the very last time we talked he told me the truth. AJ wasn't afraid to tell me how I made him feel, he was so brave and honest. He told me that he couldn't go through meeting me and how he was so afraid because I had pushed him away once before and how he didn't trust me enough to let his guard down.
Why would he trust me after I had pushed him away and treated him like a suspect? but how was I supposed to know that he was genuine and honest? How can I not have started falling in love with such an amazing guy? I was so blind! and so stupid. How could I have known that he was probably one of if not the only truly genuine guy that I have met in so many years? even more genuine and honest then Benjamin, because Benjamin lied to me, he deceived me for his own selfish reasons.
Anyway, a few months ago I tried calling AJ and his number had been disconnected so I thought he had done it because of me. Today however, I was missing him so much I decided just to dial the number just cause, when I did, his voicemail came on. I was so happy just to hear his voice! and after I heard it I just hung up. I will not call him again or bother him again because I do not want to be that obsessed woman in love like I was with Benjamin. But in the deepest of my heart I wish so bad he would come back to me. If he did I would show him that I can be different, that I can be trusting and that I can be intimate and that I can be loyal and committed. That I am capable of loving him unconditionally because I want to, I want to love him because he is worthy of my love. His birthday is in a few days, what I wouldn't give to be able to share his special day with him! last year around this time the plan was that this year around this time, he would be in NY with me and then the following year I would be in his city with him. His beautiful amazing city surrounded by breath taking mountains and wonderful people.
AJ I miss you so much!
Brenda Russel - Piano in The Dark
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SE-0EcyGQYo&feature=related
No comments:
Post a Comment