Dear Journal:
I get yelled at by my mother as if I am a little girl and to be honest, sometimes I feel like one. Really Jazz? you don't know how to act around a man? I went on a date last night and I honestly have to say that I don't know why people bother! UGH! It was sort of not planned and very spontaneous but I should of never went because deep inside I know I am only doing it in an effort to keep it moving to "be out there" to "keep my options open" but if I am doing all these things just to do them, then how am I being true to myself? how am I being honest with people when I am hanging out with them and all along thinking, ok Jazz YOU CAN DO THIS! and then it happened, he leans in and kisses me and I am like WHAT THE FUCK! I kissed him back I mean he is a handsome man and he was very awesome and he was really cool, but I wasn't feeling him that way, I didn't feel romantic toward him, I felt more like ok this is someone really cool that I can talk to. He said that I seemed very nervous and he could tell I didn't date... DUH! NO I DON'T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED!
As the night progressed I felt a warm feeling for him but still not the type of feeling that I want to feel when I am around someone that I am looking to potentially have something special with. Yet I keep thinking that on paper him and I make such an amazing couple! for starters he is a 38 year old 6 foot tall handsome man who is in the process of a divorce just like me. Key word here is 38 which by the way that is the oldest person I have ever kissed. THAT'S JUST PLAIN CRAZY! I'm 41 years old and that's all I should be kissing. Second, he is a professional and let me tell you that he showed me his work and I was completely in awe! like he is really awesome at what he does and he is funny and intelligent and that salt and pepper hair OH MY GOD! no reseeding hair line at all and good body. What part of him is it exactly that I DON'T LIKE??? We started out at a diner and ended up in this really cool lounge that was playing old school hip hop and to my surprise he knew all the songs, that was weird I would never in a million years imagined he would of.
Then there is the fact that he was a great listener and a really good kisser. Additionally, he knows EXACTLY what he wants and guess what he told me??? He told me he wanted ME! HOW CRAZY IS MY LIFE!!! why do these things always happen to me when I am not ready??? but then again, am I going to ever be ready? what part of the fact that he has ran marathons don't I like? he loves running as much as I do, he loves hiking and camping and is just PERFECT! yet I am not feeling it!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM JOURNAL?????
When we walked out of the car to go to the lounge he immediately held my hand... I FREAKED! yes I really seriously did, it felt sooooo awkward! and he could tell and so he said that if I didn't feel comfortable he would let me go, but I told him no and I forced myself to let him continue to hold it without hyperventilating! IT WAS CRAZY! I wasn't nervous about him, I was nervous about the situation, I was nervous about the fact that I was hanging out with someone forcing myself to stay "out there" and to allow the possibility of something special in my life because that's what I should be doing, except I love my freedom, he held my hand and I felt trapped! good god WHO AM I??? and most importantly, WHEN DID I BECOME A ROBOT? This situation has me very sad and very disappointed in myself, how can I not be absolutely ecstatic that I met a wonderful man that is telling me already that he thinks I am amazing and would like to get to know me and share something special with me.
He said all the right things he really did and I felt that he was being genuine, I really did. I don't understand what is happening to me? No wonder my mom yells at me! the reason why I got yelled at by my mother, is because she said that I need to make a decision about what I want and stick to it. What my mom doesn't seem to understand is that I don't want to go out on dates and feel people out, I want MAGIC! and I know that sounds cheesy but I felt magic before, I have felt it with people and I want to feel that. If I don't feel WOW, then I will never be happy I know myself. Yet a huge part of me wants to give this guy a chance because he just fits into my life so nicely, he is really awesome! I'm not even kidding that I have no doubt that he is going to get snatched up by some woman that does know what she wants, that does understand the importance of a meaningful relationship, that does know a good man when she sees one.
I guess maybe I have had so many looser's cross my path, that I don't know what I might be missing out on and this is exactly why I am afraid to try. What if this man shows me what love is really about? how a meaningful rewarding relationship is really supposed to look like? what if I don't give him a chance and loose out on someone amazing? what do I do journal??? I'm so confused but I don't want to lie to someone or myself and I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to. I told him to please not pressure me and that we need to go very slow, he probably thinks that I am just saying that, but I am telling you right now, if he starts to pressure me he is gone! I will not allow someone to pressure me into doing something I do not want. I need my space I need my time I need to be left the hell alone sometimes. I am not desperate for a relationship and I won't give up my freedom just cause my mother is yelling at me about it. How is that even normal that I am allowing my mom to yell at me because I won't commit to one person or because I don't like to date??? but she is and I understand why.
I am who I am however and I like what I like and so maybe when he let's his shadow beard grow in (he says he let's it grow in sometimes) maybe once I see him like that I will feel it! Oh my god! am I THAT SHALLOW??? yet my taste isn't exquisite or anything out of this world. Actually I was the one who reached out to him on a dating site I am on, I just happened to be reading my emails and his picture popped up and I clicked on it and sent him an email which I had actually forgotten all about because I never usually reach out to men, but a few days later he responded and next thing I knew, we were engrossed in the coolest conversation, yet I feel like I was making myself become engrossed by it, like everything I am doing lately is me forcing myself to do it, like I am not being honest with myself.
I want to be left alone! I want to crawl back into my little winter shell and disappear from people and just forget the outside world but I can't continue to do that, it isn't healthy I need to move on I need to move on.........
BAD GIRL - Madonna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnCwe7KU6x4
I get yelled at by my mother as if I am a little girl and to be honest, sometimes I feel like one. Really Jazz? you don't know how to act around a man? I went on a date last night and I honestly have to say that I don't know why people bother! UGH! It was sort of not planned and very spontaneous but I should of never went because deep inside I know I am only doing it in an effort to keep it moving to "be out there" to "keep my options open" but if I am doing all these things just to do them, then how am I being true to myself? how am I being honest with people when I am hanging out with them and all along thinking, ok Jazz YOU CAN DO THIS! and then it happened, he leans in and kisses me and I am like WHAT THE FUCK! I kissed him back I mean he is a handsome man and he was very awesome and he was really cool, but I wasn't feeling him that way, I didn't feel romantic toward him, I felt more like ok this is someone really cool that I can talk to. He said that I seemed very nervous and he could tell I didn't date... DUH! NO I DON'T LIKE TO BE BOTHERED!
As the night progressed I felt a warm feeling for him but still not the type of feeling that I want to feel when I am around someone that I am looking to potentially have something special with. Yet I keep thinking that on paper him and I make such an amazing couple! for starters he is a 38 year old 6 foot tall handsome man who is in the process of a divorce just like me. Key word here is 38 which by the way that is the oldest person I have ever kissed. THAT'S JUST PLAIN CRAZY! I'm 41 years old and that's all I should be kissing. Second, he is a professional and let me tell you that he showed me his work and I was completely in awe! like he is really awesome at what he does and he is funny and intelligent and that salt and pepper hair OH MY GOD! no reseeding hair line at all and good body. What part of him is it exactly that I DON'T LIKE??? We started out at a diner and ended up in this really cool lounge that was playing old school hip hop and to my surprise he knew all the songs, that was weird I would never in a million years imagined he would of.
Then there is the fact that he was a great listener and a really good kisser. Additionally, he knows EXACTLY what he wants and guess what he told me??? He told me he wanted ME! HOW CRAZY IS MY LIFE!!! why do these things always happen to me when I am not ready??? but then again, am I going to ever be ready? what part of the fact that he has ran marathons don't I like? he loves running as much as I do, he loves hiking and camping and is just PERFECT! yet I am not feeling it!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM JOURNAL?????
When we walked out of the car to go to the lounge he immediately held my hand... I FREAKED! yes I really seriously did, it felt sooooo awkward! and he could tell and so he said that if I didn't feel comfortable he would let me go, but I told him no and I forced myself to let him continue to hold it without hyperventilating! IT WAS CRAZY! I wasn't nervous about him, I was nervous about the situation, I was nervous about the fact that I was hanging out with someone forcing myself to stay "out there" and to allow the possibility of something special in my life because that's what I should be doing, except I love my freedom, he held my hand and I felt trapped! good god WHO AM I??? and most importantly, WHEN DID I BECOME A ROBOT? This situation has me very sad and very disappointed in myself, how can I not be absolutely ecstatic that I met a wonderful man that is telling me already that he thinks I am amazing and would like to get to know me and share something special with me.
He said all the right things he really did and I felt that he was being genuine, I really did. I don't understand what is happening to me? No wonder my mom yells at me! the reason why I got yelled at by my mother, is because she said that I need to make a decision about what I want and stick to it. What my mom doesn't seem to understand is that I don't want to go out on dates and feel people out, I want MAGIC! and I know that sounds cheesy but I felt magic before, I have felt it with people and I want to feel that. If I don't feel WOW, then I will never be happy I know myself. Yet a huge part of me wants to give this guy a chance because he just fits into my life so nicely, he is really awesome! I'm not even kidding that I have no doubt that he is going to get snatched up by some woman that does know what she wants, that does understand the importance of a meaningful relationship, that does know a good man when she sees one.
I guess maybe I have had so many looser's cross my path, that I don't know what I might be missing out on and this is exactly why I am afraid to try. What if this man shows me what love is really about? how a meaningful rewarding relationship is really supposed to look like? what if I don't give him a chance and loose out on someone amazing? what do I do journal??? I'm so confused but I don't want to lie to someone or myself and I don't want to force myself to do things I don't want to. I told him to please not pressure me and that we need to go very slow, he probably thinks that I am just saying that, but I am telling you right now, if he starts to pressure me he is gone! I will not allow someone to pressure me into doing something I do not want. I need my space I need my time I need to be left the hell alone sometimes. I am not desperate for a relationship and I won't give up my freedom just cause my mother is yelling at me about it. How is that even normal that I am allowing my mom to yell at me because I won't commit to one person or because I don't like to date??? but she is and I understand why.
I am who I am however and I like what I like and so maybe when he let's his shadow beard grow in (he says he let's it grow in sometimes) maybe once I see him like that I will feel it! Oh my god! am I THAT SHALLOW??? yet my taste isn't exquisite or anything out of this world. Actually I was the one who reached out to him on a dating site I am on, I just happened to be reading my emails and his picture popped up and I clicked on it and sent him an email which I had actually forgotten all about because I never usually reach out to men, but a few days later he responded and next thing I knew, we were engrossed in the coolest conversation, yet I feel like I was making myself become engrossed by it, like everything I am doing lately is me forcing myself to do it, like I am not being honest with myself.
I want to be left alone! I want to crawl back into my little winter shell and disappear from people and just forget the outside world but I can't continue to do that, it isn't healthy I need to move on I need to move on.........
BAD GIRL - Madonna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnCwe7KU6x4
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